[camrannie]

Hello, My name is Annie. I am not sure this is where I would post or not. But I am 24, been married for five years to a wonderful person, Greg, 32, recently we made the discion to adopt a baby boy from Guatemala. We are extremely excited as we fill out paperwork, write autobiographies, and try to teach ourselves Spanish from a disk we picked out at Barnes and Noble. We have a name picked out, and a wish list of items that eventually we will be adding to the nursery. We both are very open, and as long as the baby is in need of a home and love, they are perfect for us.
However we have had some comments from family members that have really offended us, and we aren't sure how to responde and thats what we need advise on. We want to nip it in the bud now, so that our child(ren) dont have to deal with this. My great grandma(who has grandkids that are Mexican American and are biological) asked if we can't adopt our own kind. My cousin asked instead of adopting from Guatemala surely there was a Crack Baby in the US that would be cheap. My mom made the comment that because Guatemalians are skinny they wont fit in with the family.

I am not sure how to responde to this, so I try to ignore it but it still is bothersome, I know we are in for more, but I'd like to nip it in the bud with my family now. Any suggestions?

[ripples]

Unfortunately you and your children are likely to continue at times to receive these types of comments from your family and others, including virtual strangers whom you meet. As an international adoptee, I often get weird remarks from strangers and according to the book, "The Colour of Difference", many other international adoptees often face this too. Most of the times I keep my mouth shut when I hear such comments since it's just easier to let it pass by like a smelly smell.

Regarding your family, perhaps you might like to probe more with them as to why they think these issues are important (eg. being too skinny to 'fit in' with the family; why they think that the cheaper price of a crack baby would be the best option)? I think open dialogue might be worthwhile, if you feel comfortable enough. Alternatively, you could respond with humour - eg. "maybe a skinny baby will be a wonderful way for us all to lose weight". If I were in your shoes, I imagine that the hardest thing to deal with would be thinking that perhaps my adoptive child, my spouse and I are not accepted within the family - that something so important for me and my spouse is being frowned upon, not celebrated.

Keep in mind that as is also the case with non-adoptive families, I'm sure that relatives will have a million and one views/biases on 'what's best" (just think of all the families that argue over whether a child should be raised within a particular religious tradition or not) - and that can be annoying at best. What is sometimes harder with adoptive families is the stigma of adoption - eg. I've heard that even some parents of adoptive parents feel sad that their 'biological lineage' will not be continued, etc;

And sometimes in the case of transracial adoption, relatives may have to confront their own racial biases. Here I imagine that there are similar parallels to the challenges of people marrying transculturally (just think of the many parents who've said to their kids, "can't you just marry someone who's the same race/religion/nationality/social class/whatever/ as us?"). Be prepared for the possibility that your relatives, no matter how well-meaning and/or ignorant they may be, may just plain not be keen on transracial/international adoption for a variety of seemingly inappropriate reasons. Sometimes a more open heart-to-heart discussion is helpful. Sometimes it's just easier to accept each others differences. You will know at the time whether you feel it's worthwhile to try to persuade them to think otherwise. In the end, I suggest you do what you feel is right and continue to seek info from others who've travelled this road less travelled.

You might also like to copy this posting to the international adoption section of the web site where a lot of adoptive parents chat to hear how they've dealt with these issues. In the meantime, I highly recommend the book, "Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections". Very practical and sensible info, including info on parenting transracially adopted children.

Good luck! Good for you for seeking out information in advance!

Yours,
Ripples