[CarmJoeMom]

My husband and I have two biological children. We are seriously looking into adopting our third (and final) baby from Guatemala.

I have learned so much through reading, the internet, and speaking with people who have adopted, but have yet to speak with an adoptee themself. I am hoping you can shed some light for me.

I have learned through a few books that I read that some adopted children feel left out because he/she doesn't look like the family. Did you feel that way? Did you feel special because you were different? What about the prejudice that you may have felt from the rest of the world? The stares -- because your family looked different.

All in all how was your experience. Do you advise people to adopt internationally -- and a different race than themselves? How do you get along with your bio siblings?

I know a lot of these questions depend how *I* as the mom treat the situation and all my children. But I am curious to see what others say.

Please help me decide on a very very important decision for my family. Thank you

[InionGrinn]

bumping your thread, Jackie...hoping you'll get some good replies...

Afraid I won't be able to address your question as I look very much like my adoptive mom. But I know there are others here (amoms too) who can give you some insight on the "looking different" thing.

[BrockBaby]

I am an adoptee that was adopted into a family where i am the ONLY blonde, blue-eyed person. And that includes cousins, aunts, and uncles (even those who married into the family have dark hair!) I always loved being the only blonde, with big blue eyes. I got comments all the time on them. It didn't bother me that I looked different, as a matter of fact I got upset when someone said I looked like my parents. Personally, I think it upset me because I knew I didn't look like them, and hated when people said I did....almost like people HAVE to "see" who you look like. And secondly, I think down deep I really liked knowing that my "look" came from my biological family. It was something that no court, no judge, no social worker could take away from me. I liked that even though I didn't know who my family was, or where they were, their blood, their traits, their genetics helped form my look. And the thing is one of the reasons many adoptees give as to why they search is so they can see someone who looks like them. And while this is a reason why many give to search, I don't think it is the REAL reason. If that were the case, then it would be good enough for me that I look like my friend Kim. People ask us all the time if we are mother and daughter..and when we say no...they move to sisters... once again no...lol...so if ALL that mattered was looking like someone then Kim should be "good enough". The truth is, I think many adoptees want to know what I was talking about earlier...WHOSE blood is running through my veins...WHOSE genetics gave me those blue eyes and blonde hair?
All adoptees will have their own opinions. Some will feel similiar to how I felt, others will think I am from outer space, and hey maybe I am! I however think that the most important thing is not looking like someone. I've seen biological families that each child looks completely different...The important thing is that a child is accepted, cherished, and loved for the person they are. That they are celebrated as an individual. That the culture they were adopted from is celebrated and brought out.
I hope this helps you. And best wishes on adopting!

[ripples]

Hi Carmela's Mom,
I highly recommend the book, "The Colour of Difference" - the many adult adoptees share their views on exactly the questions you'd asked. Also, is highly recommended "Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections" (you can probably buy both online). When I attended the Adopted Families of Queensland's International Day, where hundreds of families who'd adopted kids from overseas, both books were widely circulated.

I didn't feel racial prejudice within my own adoptive family, but I hated the stares when we went to China when I was a teenager. Some of the locals thought that I was a Chinese prostitute hustling my adoptive father since he was holding my hand.

Regards,
Ripples