[ripples]

This might sound really weird, but I feel guilty regarding my birth family. Guilty that they had a miserable, poverty-stricken life while I had better conditions (loving adoptive family, educational, travel and career opportunities, etc). While they were struggling to just plain survive and avoid starvation, I was probably off spending my weekly allowance on dolls and comic books. A part of me feels as if it's up to me to make up for their rotten pasts. I feel regret that despite my earlier attempts to track down my birth family, I was unable to - and my birth parents died so young. I wish that I had been able to meet them all sooner, to soothe their pain, to bring a faint ray of sunshine or hope in their miserable, pain-ridden lives.

I'm about to embark on my first return visit to Taiwan since having met some of my birth siblings last November. And I'm really nervous about how I'll fare emotionally - I'm nervous that my pain and guilt will resurface, that my birth sister's envy will rear its ugly head again (when we first met, she expressed about 10 times that I was the luckiest of all of the siblings). My birth sister is one of the most angry, bitter, bossy and envy-ridden people I know of and lashes out in the most unpredictable ways.

While rationally I know that our respective lives were not 'my fault', I still feel so ****ed guilty. I recognise in my head that my b-sister's personality, comments and behaviour are more about her than about me. Nonetheless, I still feel so vulnerable and afraid to meet her. Altho' I'll be in Taiwan again soon, I don't feel ready to take on all the emotional roller coaster with my birth siblings so have not told them yet that I'll be in town. I am aware that in reunion, emotions can run high amongst all family members and that it's best to go as slow as the slowest person. However, my b-siblings just don't seem to think that way and don't exhibit much sensitivity (eg. even 'tho I've told them not to phone me late at night/early in the morning, they still do).

Can anyone relate to my feelings of guilt, regret and intrepidation? How have you dealt with your feelings of guilt? I welcome any advice/sharing of your experiences, particularly as I'll be heading back to Taiwan in a few weeks.

[PetDragon]

Ripples,

Reading your post got me thinking, and while I am very sorry to say I can not relate very well with your feelings of guilt I wanted to reply just the same.

I know very little, but a lot more than others, about my Biological family. I know that my Biological Mother was 39 when I was born, I also know that if her ex-husband had found out she was pregnant with me she would have lost custody of her 7 other children, so I have Biological Siblings out there somewhere. And I also know that 2 months after I was adopted, a young woman called my Mom to ask for information on placing her baby for adoption, she was my biological sister, 16 years old and also requested a picture of me that she could give to my biological mother.

I have to be honest, if I met my bio-siblings I do not feel anything other than curious. No resentment or guilt. And while I do have some curiosity I also realize that due to circumstances my life is different from theirs. I don't believe you have anything to feel guilty for. You lived the life you dd because of circumstances that you had no control over, and they in turn lived their lives they way they did for the same reasons. You should not accept blame nor guilt for that.

If your siblings want contact with you thats great, but if they only want it to make you feel badly, or blame you or worst of all what they can gain from you I really think you should rethink if you honestly want contact with them.

Anyway, thats just my oppinion and I hope very much that you will find a coarse through your circumstances that will bring you happiness. I wish you the very best of luck and remind you that it is ok for your life to be different from anyone elses.