[hanlekb]

I haven't posted in a while - Sorry to all those who like to laugh at dysfunctional situations -

I'm just about to get married on October 7th of '05 and there is one issue left up in the air.

Before I get marriedI had plans to go to Korea, not just to do some stalking of my Birth Ma, but just to see the culture, and see if the horror stories of other Korean Adoptees are true.

My original trip got waylaid because of work, So I'm planning on going over in Sept. for a week.
My fianc`e (what wierd word) really wants to come and spend this monumental or (utter travesty) with me.

I'm very reluctant about this, because it was something I originally wanted to do alone. But she believes since we are "Becomming one unit. and we are stitching our lives together into one tapestry" (her words exactly) that she should be able to come as well.

My reasoning for going over alone, is that I don't want to share this experience with her. For me being adopted was something I always tried to suppress, either using drugs, drinking, or just being a man slut.

But, now after some years of clarity and soberity I realize how important it is to me to find some closure to this issue before I bring kids into this world and raise them with all the dysfunciton that is my life.

I guess my question is, Am I being a complete *** about this, or is thier any credence to my request to do doing this alone. ( I should add that my future spouse is caucasian.)

[Emeraldgems]

This isn't really an answer so I don't blame you if you're thinking "what's the point in posting then?!". I think I understand both of you. I understand what she means, why she feels she should share this with you and even that she may feel hurt and/or disappointed that you want to do this alone.

On the other hand, though it is a big thing in your life and it would be a big thing to share, you don't have to share every moment, not even every big moment with the person you choose to share your life with. I'm having trouble wording this but there is another reason why I on an emotional level think I can understand you.

I have to admit that it's easier for me to understand her but that doesn't make you an ***. This is how you feel about it. Eh...I can't really give good advice because I feel quite the opposite; I'd be quite hurt and disappointed and possibly cancel any plans to meet bfamily if I were to do that and hub said he didn't want to share the experience with me.

Could a compromise be reached? Could you go to a first meeting alone and if it's good, come back with your fiancee? If she mainly feels she wants to support you on such a long journey, could she at least come along but not go to the meeting with bmom at all? Could she accept that?

Maybe I misunderstand the whole dilemma and am asking the wrong questions and giving the wrong advice.