[redraven]

Hello all,

I have adopted a son who was born overseas, but only lived four month of his life in that country. I have been getting all kinds of advice from other parents who have adopted children from this country about his birth places culture. However, I fear that if I spend to much time on birth places culture that it will only make him even more different than the other kids (me and my son are of two different races).

There is no question that his ancestor are Asian, but would sending him to culture classes and cultural camp help or hurt him. On the help side is the issue that he will be more in touch with being Asian since I am not and he will value nowing about his Asian culture. On the other side is the arguement that sending him to a special cultural camp and lesson makes him more isolated from the other kids who are just good old American - that boy scout camp is the place to go - he will know his is Asian every time he looks in mirror.

I am hoping that people who have been adopted could give me some advice. How much of who you are is based on you Bio family's history and how much is based on your adopted family history?

Help help help - I just want to try to do the best thing for my wonderful son.

[Lisa0512]

Redraven,

I think that your son should be raised to know and be proud of both of his heritages...American and Asian. I think that we sometimes try to assimilate our foreign born adopted children too much. Just like you have a right to know about your heritage, so does he.

[sweetnoodle]

My children are bi-racial, as their father is Asian. I don't see anything wrong with you teaching him about his culture, but I think this is something you should do. I think sending him to cultural classes is way overkill. He can choose to do that later if he has a strong pull towards finding out more. So often, people over generalize about adoptees. He may never want to know any more than what you tell him, or feel the need to be anything but an American, after all, he is/will be. I think setting him apart in classes could really be detrimental. JMHO.

Sincerely,

[MichaelM]

Hi, RedRaven.
It is wonderful and right that you should seek to the best for your wonderful son.
I think that you would serve him well, as well as honouring his cultural heritage and your relationship, if YOU study his roots.
It will convey to him a powerful message, if you go to classes related to his background, if you explore and delve deeply into what is local and what is farther away.

Maybe he will not, or not yet be ready to take it on board, but when he is, even if it a long time hence, he will have experienced you being connected to that part of who he is and who he might become.

It may also be that he tells you he doesn't want you to take that amount of interest, even insisting that you back off.
Then he needs to know that you are not doing it for him, but for yourself as a loving mother who is interested in all things pertaining to him.

As for the camp, what about insisting that he goes, but letting him know that he need not stay more than, say, four days? That way, he gets a certain amount of contact and exposure, but still has a degree of freedom.
This, of course, would only be the case if you beleived that it would serve him well.
You cannot possibly know whether that will be the case until you out it in to practice {"One centimetre ahead is darkness" ie/ we never know).

Go well

Michael

[dl]

How much of who you are is based on your Bio family's history and how much is based on your adopted family history?

As an adoptee in a closed adoption, I knew nothing about my bio family's history. The only thing my aparents were told was that they were married. I received my non id information this past October and I'm grateful that I did not know the details of the behaviors that were involved in my "beginnings" when I was an impressionable teenager.

Who I am is based on the teachings of my aparents and the lifestyle they chose to live. As I became a teenager, who I was, was influenced also by my peer group and my view of society and the world I lived in. As an adult, I can see many areas where I "think and do" similar to what my aparents "thought and did".

I was not a different race than my aparents. Only my opinion, but while I think it is important for your son to learn about his heritage and culture, I agree with sweetnoodle "I think sending him to cultural classes is way overkill. He can choose to do that later if he has a strong pull towards finding out more." Also agree that people over generalize about adoptees. While it's obvious that your son is of a different race, I personally would not focus on that and emphasize and remind him "YOUR DIFFERENT". A child needs to feel that they "fit in" and are simply part of a family, a community, their friends etc. This is the world in which your son lives and needs to function in. Would never DENY the past, but focus on living in the present and future. If your son feels he "belongs", is loved and secure - he will become who HE is to be.

[MichaelM]

[quote]Originally posted by dlouis
>> While it's obvious that your son is of a different race, I personally would not focus on that and emphasize and remind him "YOUR DIFFERENT". A child needs to feel that they "fit in" and are simply part of a family, a community, their friends etc. This is the world in which your son lives and needs to function in. <<

dlouis,
I have a different perspective than the one above.

Since it is obvious that this trans-racially adopted person is from a different race, NOT to focus on his obvious difference might, to him and to others, seem like ignoring or discounting the one thing that most glaringly stands out.

He would have to wonder why!

He does not need reminding that he's different because he will see it in every mirror in the house, in every face that is not a reflection of his, in the shape of an eye or the colour of his skin or the types of hair he has.

If, as you imply, a child needs to blend in if he is to 'fit in', how does the obviously different child do that?
And who has the luxury not to notice the obvious? What sense will a child make of not being noticed? How might he interpret his family's feelings about his differences if they choose not to focus on them?

For me, the focus should be on celebrating the differences. To acknowledge how they have enriched the family and the community. To incorporate his heritgae into the families 'norms'. To celebrate the high-days and holy days related to his cultural background, to seek exposure to places, tastes, views that help him to see that his biological past is honoured and respected; he may, after all, one day seek it out himself - and wonder why it had been 'kept hidden'.

The world in which we live is abundant with miracles of love in action. It is peopled with saints and with sinners. With racists, thugs, homophobes and other people who lack compassion, consideration, imagination and generosity of spirit.
When these qualities are lacking, there is no love. A lack of love sows the seeds of despair.
This is made worse when peope claim to love, but show indifference or even hatred for those who are different.
If we are to generate more love and less fear in the world, we need to shout out and glory in our differences, nit whisper like a guilty secret. Adopted people have enough issues to address, and, hopefully, things to celebrate, but there are also specific complications related to identity, 'ghost' parents, possibly abuse, the Primal Wound, Adaptive Grieving, maybe never knowing or never being able to find out their medical history, their genetic links, their family tree.
To add to that anything at all that risks giving the impression that 'differences are not that important' or, worse, to impose on the child what amounts to a silence, or at least a lack of celebration, may feel, to the child, like something far worse.

Maybe not at the time, but every child is an adult in the making, and everything that parents or carers do in the early years determines the extent to which childhood learning will inform adult choices abd decisions.

[debsdone]

Interesting thread. An obvious difference in race is not something that needs to be "focused" on any more than an obvious difference in hair color. (IMO) It is obvious, after all! As parents we must be careful not to overlay what WE would want onto our kids. Some would want to be focused on, others would rather not. Allow him the choice, as it is his heritage.We all need to understand about other cultures, those that we are personally connected to most of all. If your son wants to go to cultural camp, ok. I wouldn't make him under any circumstances. Cultural understanding has it's own way of happening for us, and it isn't when someone tries to MAKE it time. ANY child should have their questions answered when they are asked! I don't believe that "fitting in" is the same as "looking like" I certainly hope not! My kids ask about things at different times, and show interest at different times. Trying to talk to them when it isn't their "time" earns me that BLANK look that I know means they aren't hearing me. Having things in your home that reflect his heritage, as well as any other heritage that is in the home will allow him to be comfortable with things. He'll ask what he needs to. I personally would want to celebrate the difference, but I know, from raising kids, that they MAY have a bit different attitude! Love, Debi

[dl]

Certainly respect your different perspective. I think, when people post a question, the more varied the responses the more helpful to the one that asks the question. It gives them many ideas and thoughts. It also sometimes shows that there is never an absolute right or wrong.

It does seem that we define words differently and just wanted to clarify that TO ME, "NOT to focus" on something does NOT mean to "ignore" or "discount" it, or to "keep it hidden". To "NOT emphasize and remind" someone that they're different, TO ME, does NOT mean giving others "the luxury not to notice the obvious" or to create a situation of "a child not being noticed". I did not mean in any way to advocate "impose on the child what amounts to a silence" or that the difference should be "whisper like a guilty secret". Hope this clarifys for anyone that misinterpreted.

Perhaps you missed this part of my post: "Only my opinion, but while I think it is important for your son to learn about his heritage and culture, I agree with sweetnoodle "I think sending him to cultural classes is way overkill. He can choose to do that later if he has a strong pull towards finding out more."

It seems we must have different definitions of "I think it is important for your son to learn about his heritage and culture" if you interpreted this statment as my saying to keep the culture "hidden".

I am shocked that my post gave you such a negative impression of me.

"people who lack compassion, consideration, imagination and generosity of spirit. When these qualities are lacking, there is no love. A lack of love sows the seeds of despair. This is made worse when peope claim to love, but show indifference or even hatred for those who are different."

I DO NOT in any way feel "indifference or even hatred for those who are different" and I DO NOT feel I convey that attitude in my post.

[FamilyBound]

Originally posted by MichaelM
For me, the focus should be on celebrating the differences. To acknowledge how they have enriched the family and the community. To incorporate his heritgae into the families 'norms'. To celebrate the high-days and holy days related to his cultural background, to seek exposure to places, tastes, views that help him to see that his biological past is honoured and respected; he may, after all, one day seek it out himself - and wonder why it had been 'kept hidden'.

Maybe not at the time, but every child is an adult in the making, and everything that parents or carers do in the early years determines the extent to which childhood learning will inform adult choices abd decisions.

I have to respectfully disagree with these statements and I also agree with sweet noodle.

The "focus" shouldn't be celebrating a child's differences at all. And yes, every child is an adult in the making so why would we want to focus on differences?

My "focus" is to provide lots of love, education and life experiences that will help my son become an upstanding man, a wonderful partner, and a sensitive member of the world community.

He will always know he is adopted because that is something we will never hide, however, it isn't something we are going to 'focus' on because I don't believe in labeling our children more than society already does.

I would NEVER force my child to go to a cultural camp if it isn't something that interests him, especially at a younger age. If when my child is old enough to make a decision like this, and "Russian Heritage Camp" is something that really interests him, I will be the first to look for information to where to send him. If he wants to start incorporating traditions that were a part of his cultural heritage, I will be the first to educate myself on these so we can make these a part of our lives.

That being said, I am also not going to shield my son from his heritage as well. There is a yearly Russian festival that is held about an hour from here that we do attend. Do I do it to expose my son to HIS heritage? Not necessarily. We attend Greek festivals, Spanish festivals and other festivals as well. We do it to teach my son that there are many traditions around that world and different heritages that make up our global community.

It is HIS decision on how much Russian culture he wants to incorporate into our life. I will give him all the resources available to make that decision, and will support any decisions he makes on this. But I will not make the decision for him. I will not force a heritage on him that he may not want to incorporate in his own life.

If YOU want to educate yourself on your child's heritage, then by all means do it. I personally have learned quite a bit of the Russian culture because of our adoption of our son, and I would love to learn more. But I would do it for me. And when my son starts asking questions, then I can share what I know with him.

[MichaelM]

Originally posted by dlouis

>> I am shocked that my post gave you such a negative impression of me. I DO NOT in any way feel "indifference or even hatred for those who are different" and I DO NOT feel I convey that attitude in my post. [/b]

<<<

No, it is for me to apologise.

When I said that I had a different perspective, I did not intend to discount your view (which is why I did not say 'I disagree with you') and I certainly did not 'get' a negative impression of you.

I was basing my observations on over 20 years experience of working with trans-racially adopted people aged from five to 55 years of age. Most of these hundreds of people have been people in their teens, 20s and 30s.
I also run workshops for TRA parentsm helping them to understand what their children feel but are unable to express or explain - not least because they 'know' that their parents don't want to talk about or focus on these issues.
They 'know' this because the meaning of any communication is not what is intended but what is interpreted (as my message being interpreted in ways I did not intend; hence my apology for being so clumsy in expressing a different perspective in such a way that it invited the response it did).

Most of the TRA people have told me how much of their struggle has been based on the kind of thing I said in the message that triggered such a response, which I incorporate into my work with adoption professionals, helping them to understand some of what those trans-racially adopted people have taught me and for that to informa their work.

At the moment, the Department of Health is funding me to create a resource pack for TRA families and a training pack for the professionals who work with those families and I think I should probably express my thoughts on these matters in that work rather than risk upsetting people in cyber-space!

Lastly, but not necessarily leastly, I also speak from direct personal experience as a TR adopted person and an adoptive father.

Go well.

Michael

[bromanchik]

Family Bound Wrote:
"It is HIS decision on how much Russian culture he wants to incorporate into our life. I will give him all the resources available to make that decision, and will support any decisions he makes on this. But I will not make the decision for him. I will not force a heritage on him that he may not want to incorporate in his own life."

Why should it be his decision? I had no "choice" in learning my cultural heritage. It was handed down to me. I am Slovak. I learned all about the food, the culture, the country, from my relatives that were slovak. Your son was born in Russia. He is of Russian heritage. Since his birth relatives are not here to teach him about his heritage it is up to the most important people in his life to do that.... his parents. You can help him do that by taking him to culture camps, etc. As a child I was not always "interested" in learning about my heritage, but I am glad I know now.

Redraven: As far as your Asian son is concerned, it is important to realize that your son will be seen as Asian by the rest of the world no matter how much you do not wish to focus on this difference. You are a trans racial, transcultural family. That is the reality of the situation. he will be different and at times those differences will make a huge impact on his life. I know Asian adoptees who were not able to date people they wanted to because of their race. I know Asian adoptees who have been subject to the stereotypes that are out there about Asian people. You need to educate yourself on this because it is his reality, no matter how you wish it could be otherwise.


I agree with Michael. I think celebrating the differences is important, because the bottem line is that differences are there. Children need to know they are valued for ALL they are, and that includes celebrating where they come from as a part of who they are.

[AdrianLAnderson]

It would help to enroll him in some sort of classes about his culture to help him understand more about where he comes from and his heritage. I know that going to Wanuskewin helps me get in touch with my Native American side. My spirituality is so important to me and my parents know that. I've always been interested in knowing more and more about my culture and I've been able to find ways to do that. Either enroll him in a class or take him to where he was born so he can learn more about the traditions of his culture and be able to get in touch with his inner spirituality.

[MichaelM]

I was just re-reading and reflecting on this thread and realised how - not for the first time in my life - in focusing on the general, I 'forgot' how people might hear or read what I am saying as relating specifically to them.

It is clumsy and careless of me if that happens, and it is good to be reminded.

I know this is another generalisation, but in this case at least, I hope that anyone who takes it personally accepts is as an expression of appreciation.

Go well

Michael M

[lcrowder]

I think you may get a different perspective from other adoptees than from the parents. They may be a good resource for information but it is the adoptees that have experienced the most....especially interracial adoption.

Your child is different......that is the bottom line. He is of Asian ancestry and regardless of what you decide for him, it will always be a struggle to try to find a medium.

I think that your role is to be the best parent that you can but realizing that your child is different and accepting it. It should not be a point of contention but an understanding.

I do not know the entire background of your son, where he currently lives, how old he is etc. These are some major factors that determine if your son has a healthy upbringing. (my opinion)

Does he have friends that are Asian?
Does he understand what it means to be adopted?

First and foremost, I was born in Asia......this is how I identify myself, Asian then American. I love my bfamily beyond belief but it does not change the fact that I am Asian. Imagine being in your son's footsteps...try to see yourself in family pictures, and see what it might feel like for him.

I only recently discovered that there were heritage schools and camps.....I have mixed feelings about them. I wonder if I would have benefited from going to them. My answer is, no. I took my own time to 'come around' and accept my adoption.

I think your son will also have the answer......perhaps you can ask him if he would like to go to the heritage and language schools......ask him if he would like to try it out........

Every situation is different for adoptees. Just remember, you cannot change the fact that he is Asian and also an adoptee......


Hope this was helpful

[kimmy12]

I am a hongkong chinese who was adopted into a caucasen family. I have always been treated by family and friends as just me, not as an adopted child or an asian. As far as I can remember I was different and I supose when I was adopted in1967 my situation was a rareity to most people. My parents were extremley opened minded and they always met and had friends from all different cultures and nationalitys so it became pretty normal and "colour blindness" is how i grew up and is how I have conducted my life ever since. My a parents taught me about every single culture and nationality and how every one was just as important as another, so growing up and learning about my own was very natural.
You may think that this way of doing things is just an ideal and very easy to say but if my parents did it in the late 60s through the 70s, in 2004 it should be a walk in the park.
I am now happily married to a dutch guy and we have a niece who has one Aunt who is asian , one who is african and she thinks this is normal. ( she is a typical blond blue eyed dutch girl )
Every family is different I grew up knowing that I am who I am and my moto is "like me or not just make sure its for who I am not what I am"

Good luck Raven head I hope my experiense helps you and your son and I wish you both a happy life.