[Lori1001]

wow.. and here I thought I was the only one with this scenario.. I am so glad I found all of you!
I have many times wondered to myself.. where did I go wrong with this kid!? But.. all 3 were raised the same way.. and the other 2 have not ever had issues like this one. he does however seem to be doing quite a lot better as far as where he spends his time.. the past 2 weeks have mostly been at home.. I think he is getting more used to being able to be there. and is learing his son now. Since TPR was completed.. he is now allowed with my approval. to be there when ever I say its alright. before that there was a no contact other than supervised visits and the family center once a week. which if I didnt mention before mom lost in Feb. and never regained before being arrested. I had it in my head that he COULD be involved and help if he had the opportunity to be taught.. so I am trying to teach.
Im wondering if anyone read the other thread ( cant remember which category it was in) " addicted to hope".. it is very good..
I feel for you on the issue of the brothers! I have thought before that I am glad there are none of those to deal with on my end. But I have wondered ( as my mind does) about the future.. and how to handle the issues I do have. I truly wish I could just become Mommy to him. Legally I will.. but with Daddy being around how confused would that be to him.. and then.. IF I ever do make a decision on whether to continue the Maternal families involvment.The Im sure Mommy.. will be called that.. Im sure I should just remain " Goddess" LOL.. there is a story to that too.. from when my grandaughter who is 8 now was born.lAnd there is yet another story.. that happened just this weekend.. that I MUST share a bit farther in this.
I am suprised that the other adoptive dad.. doesnt have the same issues with the brother and him wanting to know his siblings.. it really does break your heart to know that there are children faced with such issues.
My newest happening occured saturday.. when Skeletor went to bio gmas for his weekly visit.. now. bear in mind that there has never since his birth been any occasion that he ever went home with his parents.. and never any occasion that there was ever any contact other than the sceduled supervised visits and families first center.. so.. he gets home and hours later I hear a ring.. sounds like a phone.. I track it to his diaper bag that I never put away.. and there was grammas phone..uh oh.. somehow it got in there and now she is looking for where she may have lost it.. I answer.. tell them where it was. and when I ended the call.. her screensaver comes on.. THIS is the bomb... it is a pic of bio mom.. with skeletor.. on a sofa that I had given them ( to make a home for expected family) at her house!!!!! I could tell by the clothes he was wearing.. it was warm out.. Heck.. I know when he got the clothes.. and.. even if he had been naked he has never been to that house.. or never suppose to have been. I can track it down to end o May or first part of June.. which again doesnt matter.. because there has been a no contact order since his release from the hospital.. I let her have it.. so to speak.. well I let her know she had been BUSTED!!!t.. and that it was odd the location of that pic..it seemed as if she was partly oblivious to the point I was making.. or pretending to be , until I pointed out that he has never been there. Im sure that since it is all in the past.. and mom is locked up.. there is nothing that can be done about it now. Or at least that is the route CPS will take. I let CW know about it this morning.. and she was shocked she thougth she could get away with it.. I told her that this is one more example of why I dont trust her at all! I had asked at our last monthly meeting if I HAD to maintain this visitation schedule. thinking she would say.. no.. TPR is done.. none of them have any rights.. but all she said was that was something she and I would have to work out on our own. I only want to know if I would be in any trouble if I told them to get lost. Im sure if mom was still a free person.. then they would take visitation from gramma.. but since that isnt an issue. what? do nothing? Im still waiting on a response regarding what is required of me on that issue. I have mostly just been civil.. keep the peace as much as possible.. so they dont try to make waves. Ive been assured by cw that they wont take baby from me.. but I dont want other gramma to try doing anything that would delay or prolong the process!!! And Im almost sure if she thought she was being cut off.. she would try . Im sure she is scared now.. she already knows I dont mess around ...and speak my mind . just the fact that she was trusted to abide by the rules.. and did this makes me so angry!!!I have been living under those thumpbs.. making sure I dont give anyone any reason to doubt my sincerity or integrity or my commitment to all this.. and here she goes and does something so stupid.
I have told her in the past she is an enabler.. she knows it.. but where to I go with this.. I always thought that I would never want to be punished for things my son has done.. so I wouldnt or shouldnt do that to her.. try to put myself in her shoes.. all that.. but then she doesn something like this .. AGAIN. there have been other things in the beginning and throughout this story that she has tried to do or get away with. I have always caught her and dodged the ball mostly on those.!!
the fact that I just plain dont like any of them.. doesnt help me when I try to be fair. then I feel mean and nasty again.. jeesh!!! I dont want this to be a "THING" for the rest of our lives!!!

[DESOSMAMA]

As far as I'm aware of , after TPR the " birth family" ( I can't think of anything else to call them right now) has no rights at all. Any visitation granted to them is strictly your discretion. After TPR I never gave visitation to any of the bio father's family( they were like a homeless, roaming con artist family) and I didnt give visitation to my husband's bio mom for a long time. Honestly I don't think there is much of anything that they can do to derail the adoption at this point. I pretty sure once the TPR is done, then that's it. I just remember that once the termination was done, I didn't have to really worry about anything else, I just had to wait for 6 months to finalize the adoption. You should check w ur CW though. If it were me and I found that pic it would be over. I'd let her know that unfortunately she can't be trusted to abide by the rules, and that if she wanted to continue visiting him she can come to my house when I am available and if she doesn't like that then, sorry. I have been through this same exact thing with my husband's mom and as of right now we haven't spoken to her in over a year because she simply can't respect our and my daughter's wishes regarding bio mom. It was okay when bio mom was in jail, but as soon as she got out, she was scheming with her mother, having her mother call and ask to take my daughter for the weekend and I would find out through other sources that she was just asking to take her so she could let bio mom visit without us knowing. As far as being mommy to him I would honestly do whatever you are comfortable with. Your son sounds like he's getting better, which is a good thing, but as far as bio mom, she's in jail, and your not just caring for him until she gets it together you know? She might clean up her life and she might not but I wouldn't let the thought of her stop me from being mommy to this little boy. Although I must say Goddess is an new one I haven't heard before, it's awesome! lol. I'm going to read that post you mentioned. Sounds like your doing pretty good, so keep it up!

[Lori1001]

Thanks for that! I thought the same thing after TPR. in regard to bio fam.And I had asked cw just a month ago if any of the previous case plans were still active.. or whatever you want to call it. She asked what I meant. I said that I wondered if I had to abide by this visitation for gma that was set up. she merely said that was something we should work out between the 2 of us. I did say at that time that I hadnt planned on cutting her off but had thought many times of getting off the schedule we were on from the FTM. CPS agreed to that, not a judge btw. Once a week. we were to decide dates and times. I told her I just didnt want to be in trouble if I did change it or limit it. She never really answered any other way than I mentioned. She did assure me though that there was nothing she could do that would make them take him from me, so I canceled the following weekend.
At the TPR hearing ( which the parents finally realized they wouldnt win if they appealed it) they ended up signing volutary TPR. I had told my son long before this point that if it came down to that being a possiblity that he was not to sign anything until she did. even if they were in the room together. I could see him signing and she then changing her mind. As it was.. she was locked up by then. and was conference called in. and he had no choice but to sign.. or I guess he could have tried to put it off.. they had to fax papers to prison.. and then it did end up being somewhat a battle getting her to sign and send back. Quite nervewracking to say the least. Then.. CW says she finds out that TPR was ordered without her signature anyway.. so I am still not sure if it was considered voluntary or involuntary. I believe that since she said this in court and it was recorded.. that was all they needed to get it in the file. so probably still considered voluntary. BUT there has not yet been any mention of any sort of open adoption. the only thing that binds me to anything was that I agreed to let gma. and my ex husband (papa) see him . but really that wasnt an issue at all. he sees him all the time. there also was no mention of when or how often.. or anything like that. so.. Im under the impression that I am bound to some visits.. until this is finalized. then.. I can go against it if I decide to. I have read that even if there is a sigined agreement.. it is hard to enforce if one party goes against it.that plus the fact that was stated in TPR hearing.. not adoption hearing. I just do what I feel I need to , to keep the peace. just to deter her from making waves. But your right on the not being able to trust her.. right now.. mom is locked up and there have only been brief discussions regarding what will happen later. I had originally mentioned that if gma had him.. and mom wanted to be there. fine. under her supervision. but she would not be allowed to be left alone with him.. or take him anywhere or anything like that. who knows what will happen though ya know? I just hate trying to decide if the whole feeling about the issue is due to my feelings. I know the gma loves him. and in her mind.. wouldnt let any harm come to him.. but then her actions this far say alot for her conformity to the rules. I wonder.. is he in danger ?? or am I letting myself wander too far because honestly I wouldnt have had anything to do with the entire family if this all hadnt happened. and I dont want to now either. That makes me feel a bit selfish. They do however seem a bit dliussional when I hear things about how mom wants to be part of his life.. blah blah she keeps writing me letters wanting me to forgive her and how she wants to help take care of him.. alot of things that make me wonder.. "does she think when she gets out of there she is going to be welcome to just come to my house whenever!? which I think to begin with would be all the time..she would tire of it eventually ,that IS NOT going to happen. and then.. just yesterday I got a letter from a coordinator at this prison.. requesting me to bring him there to participate in this hope program. where moms are taking parenting classes and all this crap. I had already said I was NOT taking him to visit when they asked me before!!!! NOW THIS!? I just ignore it all. I am doubting this instructor knows that TPR is done. If they do know that. she has probably filled them with stories about her being there when he gets home to be part of his life.
The whole story you told about sneaking around trying to get your daughter there to see mom.. sounds exactly like what they would do. and that picture!! I was so mad I was shaking. and I really wanted to tell her that she was done!!! But that voice inside my head ( ha ha.. that sounds sane huh?) kept telling me.. let her know she is caught.. and that I am not Happy at all.. and let her stew in her imagination and worry a while!! she can just go crazy with fear and wonder!! see I am so mean!!!
They have tried several sneaky coniving things even when he was still in the hospital thinking they would get the decision on where he was going changed. all that did was get him sent to another foster home.. before me. Because CPS thought we were all fighting about it.

So.. 6 months to finalize is what Im looking at you think?? I have been trying to get an estimate for months already. this is the first answer I have gotten. we have permanency hearing next week.. maybe I can start counting those from there?
OH.. and the goddess thing. TF, you should see the looks we get when we are in target or something.. and she yells "Goddess?" people have this look on their faces like.. did she just call her....goddess? I was only 37 when she was born.. I didnt feel as much like a gramma then!! ha ha.. NOW there are times that I feel like a great gramma!!!

[Lori1001]

[update here.. I was just informed last week that as long as he is a ward of the state. I have to let visitaion continue. It was said "because it was court ordered" I had to tell CW it wasnt.. but she said to allow it. as long as he is a ward .....
I was also told yesterday.. that I was misinformed on any contact with bio's as well. When TPR happened. I was told that if I approved of it.. and supervised I was alright to allow it. But now. they say.. no that was incorrect.. no contact as long as he is a ward of the state. I guess the supervisors staffed the case?? I wonder if this CW I have actually has a clue of what is right or not...?