[Archive]

Originally Posted By Amy

Hi Ladies,
My dh and I are in the beginning stages of adoption. We have our applications filled out, the INS form filled out etc...the only thing we do not know for sure is our country.
My dh feels with every fiber of his heart that India is the country that we need to look at. From the beginning, I have always had it in my head that we would go to Russia- mostly because you can choose your child from what I have gathered.
I am scared of the whole referral process. What if I felt no connection with the child they send us? I dont want to wait for years to keep getting referrals.
How do you get over this fear??
I know this sounds terrible, but I am scared of not being able to pick my child out....

Are there any good sites that I can look at to get an idea of the India orphans? IT seems like everything is so limited with India.

Thanks in advance for any feedback!
Amy

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Karen

You probably will not get to pick out your child with India. Indian children are not allowed to be photolisted. If you are concerned about the bonding with an adopted child...we are working on our third adoption from India and have two biological. There is NO difference in how I feel toward any of my children...adopted or not. Indian children are very beautiful. The reason we picked India was the fact that the children are usually Hindu which strictly forbids alcohol and drugs. I can't say that it never happens but it is very rare. Not the case with Russia. If you would like to "pick" out your child...can I suggest Rainbow Kids. They have a very nice photolisting. Many countries are represented that allow this. Those of us who have adopted from India feel that we definately have adopted children who were worth the wait!! If you want a country that is a little less expensive but you get to pick out your child...check out the site...www.ukrainianangels.com. The person on there can literally talk you through the paperwork for an independent Ukrainian adoption. About half the fee of Russia and you get to pick out your child or adopt two unrelated children at one time. Best Wishes to you....Karen

[Archive]

Originally Posted By JJH

I have been to India and visited an orphanage there. All I would share with you is that the Indian children, and people in general are a beautiful people group. I used to feel the same, a sort of fear, but I now have a new light to it. I feel that if I had a referral, then I wouldn't be the one in control. Looks are the one thing that is good with picking out your own child, but there is so much that is left unknown, and as far as I know, most agencies try to 'match' you up with a child that they see to best fit your family. India is a beautiful country, but you just have to follow where your hearts lead you and your husband together. Best of luck in your adoption process!!!

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Kari

Check out http://www.dillonadopt.com
Dillon has placed many children from India and has discussion list for that country.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Teri

Amy, my husband and I adopted a 3 year old girl from India. She arrived in Jan, 02. She is beautiful, smart and very well adjusted. I HIGHLY recommend using HOLT and requesting a child from the BSSK orphanage. This orphanage did an outstanding job of educating, loving and preparing our daughter for an American family. She has had no adjustment problems and is adored by our 4 bio-sons. They also do an excellent job of keeping medical records and they're very upfront and honest about any medical condition.
Our daughter turned 4 in Feb '02 and it's as though she has always been with us.
Good luck to you. I'll be happy to share more of our experience if you want to email me at brianschultz2@mchsi.com
Teri

[JanK]

Hi Amy,

Sorry for this late reply but I've just found this forum recently. You've gotten some good replies and I agree with everything said whole-heartledly. One more thing though. You should know that you have the opportunity to decline any referral you do not feel comfortable with. In fact, with our agency - it was a formal procedure for us to ACCEPT the referral we were given. We were sent some photos of our daughter, her medical history (as known by the orphanage) and a letter from the director of orphanage describing our daughter. Well, it took about 40 seconds for us to decide YES! but our agency still strongly encouraged us to have her med records looked at by a doctor familiar with international children. We did so and thank God - all was well. We then had to sign and have notarized several forms to officially accept the match. Point is, we could have declined for any reason up until that point. My understanding is that had we, we would have been placed back in the queue with no hard feelings. Feel confident that you will not be forced to do anything you don't feel comfortable with.

As far the bonding issue, it took all of us about 10 hours to completely bond to one another. I agree with the writer who said it feels like his daughter has always been with them. My daughter has been with us for 1 year (last week) and it feels like she's always been here. I can't remember life before. She was 18mos when she arrived in the US; and is now an extremely Americanized 2 1/2 yo. Good Luck !

[Supershorty]

My American parents adopted me from India in 1984. I believe that a child is a child. If you believe in God, you can agree with me in saying that all His children are special people, and that He will place the right child with your family. Don't stress! My parents and some of my friends' parents went through the same feelings and experiences, and everything turned out fine. I'm not saying that everything was easy, but I am glad my parents had the willingness to charge through my red tape as well as that of my little brother's adoption from Mexico.

[Antonia]

Could someone please recommend an agency for Indian adoption. I would be interested which agency the person named 'Jank' worked with. My husband and I are just starting to look into it.
Thank you

[sak9645]

Many people, including me, are not wholly comfortable with choosing their own child.

In my case, if I had been allowed to wander through my daughter's orphanage and pick a child, I doubt that I ever would have selected my daughter. When I met her, she was tiny (17 lb. at 18.5 mo.), pale, lacking in muscle tone, and full of minor "bugs." She was also emotionally shut down from shock and worry, to the point where she was like a little robot. Yet passing over this child would have been the worst mistake of my life. My daughter, now age 7, is very healthy, beautiful, loving and empathic, and quite intelligent and successful at school. She fits into my extended family as if she were born into it. I can't picture loving any child more than I love her; she is truly the child of my dreams.

And the reverse is sometimes true. Many parents know little of medicine. They pick a child who rushes up to them and gives them a hug, not understanding that the child who gives indiscriminate affection may well have a serious attachment disorder. They pick a child with a cute and distinctive face that, alas, has the features that are a dead giveaway for fetal alcohol syndrome. They pick a child without realizing that the medical report indicates he/she is taking a potent anti-seizure drug and, therefore, without knowing why and what the implications are for their ability to parent him/her. They ask about AIDS, but fail to ask about Hepatitis B, which can cause serious liver problems in some cases, and which is not curable at present.

Many parents also pick a child without really thinking through some underlying issues. The baby of Latin/indigenous peoples origin may look light-skinned, for example; however, many such babies darken up substantially as they grow older. Parenting a child who looks different from you is wonderful; I know, as I am Caucasian and my daughter is Asian. However, you really need to recognize how "visible" you will be, how everyone will know how you formed your family, and how you will be asked the most personal of questions in the checkout line at the supermarket. You also need to recognize the racism in our society and, possibly, in your own family, and be prepared to raise a child who can maintain a healthy self-image.

Countries that ask a family to come there and select a child also may not understand the importance of having a family review a child's history in a comfortable and familiar setting, and in a setting where the prospective parents can check out resources in their community for dealing with potential problems. When you travel overseas, you may be jet lagged and stressed, with an unsettled stomach from unfamiliar foods, and so on. You must contact your family, your doctor, your local adoption support group by e-mail or phone, and may not really be able to spend large amounts of time discussing a particular child's situation before making a decision.

Unfortunately, there have also been cases where individuals have gone to a country to select a child, having been assured by a facilitator that they can get a healthy infant. When they get there, they find that only older or special needs kids are available. They face the choice of either going home without a child, having spent thousands of dollars, or agreeing to adopt a child whom they have not been well prepared to parent.

I am a single person, so I don't have personal experience with the family dynamic of choosing a child when you are a married couple. However, I wonder what would happen on an adoption trip if one partner really wanted a certain child and the other had reservations, but finally gave in to the first one. Suppose that, upon arriving home, the child was found to have a significant mental or physical problem. Would there be guilt and recriminations? Would the marriage be strained beyond the strains imposed by having, unexpectedly, a special needs child?

Overall, I would rather work with a country that carefully selects a child, as China does, cognizant of my needs and wishes, and with a highly ethical agency that applies sound social work principles in guiding me to the child that is right for me.

I also understand that bonding is not always instantaneous, even with bio kids. Many a biological Mom has looked at the red, screaming infant she just delivered and thought it looked more like the monkey in the zoo than like her family. Many a biological Mom has looked at her newborn and wondered why the Hell she went through nine tough months of pregnancy.

With bio and adoptive families, kids are "hard-wired" to relate to a parent and parents are "hard-wired" to respond to children. In almost all cases, bonding will occur within days or weeks. And attachment, itself, actually develops over a period of years. The feeling of love for your child that may arise when you first see him/her after birth or adoption, even if very strong, is nothing compared to the feeling that will develop over time.

So a parent shouldn't worry about feeling very little upon a first meeting with a child. It doesn't always happen that way, even in the delivery room. It certainly is less likely to happen when you are overseas, having slept little and worried greatly.

[JanK]

Antonia
I'm sorry but I just saw you request for more information today. If you are still looking for an agency, ours was Maine Adoption Placement Service (MAPS) in Portland, ME. They have a website, please search for them.
Jan