[Indiaadoptee]

Bottom line, the message most adult adoptees try to get across again and again is "Adoption places unfair burdens upon children."

[account4net]

"Adoptees didn't choose their aparents so it is NOT fair to think..."

Yes adoptees don't choose their aparents. Neither do parents choose their bparents. I don't think that this should be made as an argument against treating aparents and parents.

[account4net]

dpen6,

I got busy and so the late reply.

About meeting aparents shouldn't be stopped if the adoptee feels like meeting. I am not an adoptive parent, but I know some. Giving birth is hard but is not and end in itself. Raising children is also big part of parenting and this should not be sidelined

You ask what is the point. Here are few thoughts. aparents as I said before do adopt children to have a family and do treat adoptees as their own children. If they don't then, I would say that it is not a good thing. But if adoptees keep thinking that they are 2nd choice, 3rd choice, result of failed fertility and so own and go into self pity, then this pity is misplaced. I would ask what is the point of thinking like that.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by account4net

dpen6,

I got busy and so the late reply.

About meeting aparents shouldn't be stopped if the adoptee feels like meeting. I am not an adoptive parent, but I know some. Giving birth is hard but is not and end in itself. Raising children is also big part of parenting and this should not be sidelined

You ask what is the point. Here are few thoughts. aparents as I said before do adopt children to have a family and do treat adoptees as their own children. If they don't then, I would say that it is not a good thing. But if adoptees keep thinking that they are 2nd choice, 3rd choice, result of failed fertility and so own and go into self pity, then this pity is misplaced. I would ask what is the point of thinking like that.

Whyats the corralation between an adoptee searching and self pity?

Fact we were 2nd and 3rd choice.

Fact, many people that are infertile(not all) want bio before settling on adoption. Why is that ok but its not ok and its "hurtful" for an adoptee to want to know their biology?

I think, because you are really on the outside of adoption you have those very attiudes that we talk about here. You don't understand how its not so much about the relationships because they are so unpredictable. but its about the knowledge. Its about the fact that the very genes I carry were given to me by my bfamily. As an adult, I can decide wheter or not I want to know...like I have repeatdly said, it is NOT about my aparents, its about me and my children. my parents are my parents, my family is my family...but with a caveat.....I have another family....Like I have siad it is not a competition......it a quest for knowledge for me. It is afact of my life, its a fact that both the sets of parents take on when they decide adoption is right...for them. Has NOTHING to do with whom I love more, or loyality.

It could be said that the aprents and bparents sink into self pity when "their" child wants to confront thereality of their life and that life taking a complete turn based upon the parents needs...because lets face it , in many situauins of adoption its really not about the child at all, it ?

[account4net]

<CORRECTION TO EARLIER POST>
"Adoptees didn't choose their aparents so it is NOT fair to think..."

Yes adoptees don't choose their aparents. Neither do children choose their bparents. I don't think that this should be made as an argument against treating aparents and parents.

[dpen6]

ARe you reaading any of my posts?

How do adoptees treat their aprents and parents?

I am really not understanding your concerns or questions. What is it in your opinion think she should do? Forget we had bparents..foerget we were adopted? Was it it you think we should do?

[Indiaadoptee]

Originally Posted by account4net

<CORRECTION TO EARLIER POST>
I do know and respect adopted people and again need now advice on that. I don't, for a moment look at them different from other non-adopted people. They are not yet adults and I am will know more as they grow.

I would definitely like to know more about, how was the experience and what happened after adopted adults/children met their bparents.

Yes adoptees don't choose their aparents. Neither do children choose their bparents. I don't think that this should be made as an argument against treating aparents and parents.

account4net,
1) You said you "don't, for a moment look at them different from other non-adopted people." Who are you referring to? Adult adoptees? Young adoptees? Because in the next sentence you say they're "not yet adults". IF you're referring to adult adoptees, and don't see them as any different than non-adopted people, it explains why nothing is making any sense.

2) Since you repeated the "treating aparents/parents"twice, it's obvious you either want more insight or have more thoughts to share. Need more. I echo dpen6 in saying, well then, what do you suggest about adoptees treating aparents/parents?

3) You ask "what is the point in thinking adoptees thinking they're a 2nd, or 3rd choice."
The point is: facing the truth. Acknowledging the truth instead of ignoring it. Adoptees are 2nd choice, and just because we come to accept that doesn't mean we're negative about it. It doesn't mean we cry over that, or feel sad about it. It's just the truth, plain and simple.
Look at it this way. How many adults decide to adopt before they find out they are unable to have children of their own? Or, how many adults decide to adopt before they realize they haven't given birth to a boy, or unable to have more than 2 kids? Adoptees ARE 2nd choice, because they are the solution to a problem. They're the next (or last) suggestion of well meaning friends and family. They're most often the "if we can't have children of our own, then we might think about adopting".

[amyfk]

Indiaadoptee,

I have been following this thread as a lurker for a while. I just read yoru most recent post.
Although it is true many folks do come to adoption later on after infertility, health issues, etc.(and this was the case with me), please, please, please do not think of yourself as second best.
Although the road was unexpected to my adoption, I adopted a girl from Russia,and she is the highlight of my life! She is pretty, intelligent, athletic, funny, etc. I will not have any other kids by birth or adoption, but even if I did, she is so perfect I would never consider her second best.
When I was going through my health issues my therapist recommended that I adopt. Truthfully, although I knew of adoptees, it just didnt occur to me. It took me a bit of time to wrap my head around it, but really it was only a month until I realized that is the right choice for me. I do not love my child any less or think of her as a second class citizen because I chose to adopt.
In discussions with my therapist, we talked about bio children vs. adoption. There are some folks who will go through infertility tx after infertilitytreatment just to have their own kid or to experience pregnancy. There are other people who get this big delight in the fact that their son or daughter have "their eyes" or "their wit" etc. In talking with my therapist about it I came to see that many folks are very narrow minded and also narcissistic(sp?) in the fact that they had "their own" child and that their child resembles them.
In the end, I feel love trumps childbirth and family resemblances.
Please do not see yourself as a second class citizen becuase you are not! You are special for who you are. If this continues to bother you you may want to seek out a support group for adoptees. Although some folks come by way of adoption later on doesnt mean they love their kids any less.
Amy K, NJ

[Indiaadoptee]

Originally Posted by amyfk

Indiaadoptee,

please, please, please do not think of yourself as second best.

In the end, I feel love trumps childbirth and family resemblances.

Please do not see yourself as a second class citizen becuase you are not!

I don't feel inferior about being 2nd choice. That's not what I meant. The thing I'm trying to get across is that, like any adoptee, it really helps if aparents respect the truth and say, "YES, you are 2nd choice."
2nd choice isn't any less than 1st, it's just 2nd, the letter b after a, the number 2 after 1. It's just that too many aparents tell their akids that they were their first choice when in reality the kid wasn't. Like dpen6 said, it's just a fact. Aparents who truly respect their akid acknowledges and accepts the truth.

Oh, and you said that love trumphs over childbirth and family resemblence. You're entitled to your opinion, but I just hope you don't think all the love in the world will tip the scale and take away the adoptee's pain or make the trauma go away. Too many aparents already think that, which is unfortunate-but a no brainer-because that's the way adoption is viewed in our society.

[amyfk]

Indiaadoptee,

I dont want to get into a whole debate, but if my kid does ask me later on when she's older, I will be honest with her and tell her that we tried to conceive and when that didnt work out we looked toward adoption. I think honesty is the best policy. Now that we have her though we wouldnt have it any other way.
I also understand that some adoptees may feel trauma or neglect based on the fact that they may feel that they were unloved or unwanted by their firstparents/bioparents. Every person is entitled to his/her feelings. I am not an adoptee so I havent been in those shoes. That being said, I do feel that if someone is having a lot of issues with coping or depression then I would suggest that they get counseling so that they arent carrying around a large burden which the really dont deserve to carry around in the first place.
Cheers,
Amy K. NJ

[amyfk]

ONe other thing, I would never word it to my daughter that she was 2nd choice. I would be honest and tell her that we tried to conceive and later on we chose adoption to build our family. But I dont like the wording to tell anyone they were second choice. I think that's hurtful personally.

Amy K, NJ

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by amyfk

Indiaadoptee,

I dont want to get into a whole debate, but if my kid does ask me later on when she's older, I will be honest with her and tell her that we tried to conceive and when that didnt work out we looked toward adoption. I think honesty is the best policy. Now that we have her though we wouldnt have it any other way.
I also understand that some adoptees may feel trauma or neglect based on the fact that they may feel that they were unloved or unwanted by their firstparents/bioparents. Every person is entitled to his/her feelings. I am not an adoptee so I havent been in those shoes. That being said, I do feel that if someone is having a lot of issues with coping or depression then I would suggest that they get counseling so that they arent carrying around a large burden which the really dont deserve to carry around in the first place.
Cheers,
Amy K. NJ

amy,

the reality is in many cases we were 2nd best....to me it was a fact...just fact of life.I didn't feel truama or neglect...I felt sadness. I wastold the truth and it was all ok.....but it is still sad. there really is nothing to debate. It is what it is. As much as those that did adopt because they could not have a child of their own needs to go throw the phases of grief so do the one that are adopted so a couple can parent. Fact, you could not have a bio .....fact an adoptee can't be raised by bio.....fact..bmom could not raise her bio.....with all that being said It would be prudent to understand that a child JUST may feel it...because it is the truth. Its up to the parents...IOM to help them with that. I know you had good intentions by telling india to not feel that way..I know you said it coming from a place of love but even with the best on tintentions a child(not necessarily yours) may feel it. Because its the truth.

[amyfk]

Dpen, I hear what you are saying but of course it's really hard for me to understand because I am not adopted and I was born after my parents struggled to have kids.
As an adoptive parent, my job is to raise my child to feel as secure and confident as possible(doesnt mean it will happen but I have to try). In my future talks to her I will be honest with her that we tried to conceive. I cannot lie. However I would never use the phrase "second best" because I feel that that could be damaging to her psyche.
Although it may be true that sometimes folks dont start out to adopt initially, most folks who do adopt really have a strong desire to have children and most love their adopted children in the same way as if they had given birth to them. That doesnt negate anyone's feelings(adoptees) just that I know that usually folks who come to adoption usually really really want kids.
While it may be true that I originally set out to conceive please know that I never look at my child on a daily basis and think of her as my second best, I think of her as the child I love.
Not looking to debate, just looking to explain how I see the world through my eyes as an adoptive parent.
Amy K NJ

[dpen6]

No, I would not tell her either that she was 2nd best, and yup its ok to tell her you were unable to ahve a baby the regular way...

I know she will be secure...as secure as any of us in real life are!!!

thats just it I know that my aparents and most of aparents DO love their children as just that...their children...but the knowledge that we were 2nd best is still there. like I said its just one of thoseknown fact that we live with...just a fact...not a huge problem.

Its also a fact that I will nevr go to harvard, its also a faact I will never be a millionare, its all afact that I will never be a runway model(now that one funny),..it just is the truth!

[amyfk]

I hear you dpen. As long as you find you can live with that fact and it doesnt affect your well being or way of life then it's fine. We all have to deal with certain realities of life and be realistic about things.
Thanks for writing and I hope you are well,
Amy K, NJ