[Tawnya]

Thank-you for an interesting forum full of your insights as a person adopted from India by a white American couple into the USA. You probably have a lot in common with those adopted domestically in the USA who have been adopted into families of a different race. Even in India, you will find this with children adopted into families of a different skin color, language, and background. Even the orphanage and the location of birth might not fully explain the ancestry and the birth family due to migration of people within India and South Asia in general.

As I was reading your posts, I also realized that your experience would probably be very different from those who are adopted into Indian (South Asian) American families and different from those who are living the Indian culture within the home and different from those living in higher population areas of South Asians.

While you seemed to have many similar thoughts and feelings as all adoptees have as they go through life, you seemed to struggle with being of a different skin color than your adoptive family, of not being raised in India, and not being immersed into India culture. The irony of it all is that India and South Asia overall is extremely diverse with regards to the languages, ethnicities, religions, and even skin colors so even if you were adopted within India, you still might not have matched the Indian identity of your birth family.

I wanted to tell you that I was sad to read that you found it difficult to keep your Indian name while growing up. I am a white American married to a South Asian with a long last name of 16 characters. I have always worked in public schools and regardless, the students and faculty/staff have always been taught how to pronounce and spell my surname. It's a matter of respect and pride in my husband's name. I encourage you to find a way to keep your Indian name in some way within your current and future life.
Your struggles of growing up as a minority (non-white) in a school and community where there were few like you reminded me of immigrants who come to the USA. The main difference between you and immigrants is that immigrants have an identity and tend to find others like themselves, even in rural areas, so there is a support system. I remember when we lived in a rural area and drove two hours to visit someone from my husband's country who was married to a white American. Some of your struggles may also be similar to other non-white students who were not adopted and not an immigrant, but who are in white dominant areas. You might reach out to these groups for support.

I was sad to read that your adoptive family, although they tried to educate you in a broad Indian culture, that according to what I understood from your posts (so correct me if incorrect), that they themselves did not become Indian. Is that correct in my understanding that their education was more superficial and not integrated into their daily lives within the home culture? I would encourage you to reach out to Indian cultural groups. You may feel overwhelmed when you realize that there are so many out there based on region of India, place of worship or religion (e.g., Christian, Catholic, Hindu, Jain, Sikh, Buddhist, Muslim), ethnicity and language (e.g. Tamil Sangam), in addition to the overall Indian associations. Reach out to these groups. They often offer language classes to adults (I'm working on learning Tamil through our local Tamil Sangam) and they have many cultural activities available to their communities. I know it will be scary at first to reach out because there will be an impression that there is a cultural and language disconnect. Don't let that scare you away. Many of them have lived in the states (USA) for many, many, many years meaning that they speak English exceptionally well and they know the American culture. Interact with them in English and through your own culture and tell them you want to learn. Look for culture brokers - friendly members of the group who want to teach you the language, will interpret for you at functions (as this is one of the few places members get a chance to speak the language), and will introduce you and teach you the culture in all of its nuances.

If you have the opportunity, I also encourage you to take some classes at a local university in South Asian studies and other departments focused on India. It would be a way to further develop your knowledge of your birth country's cultures and people.

Just as a FYI - You are eligible for the OCI and PIO cards through the Indian government. You might think of applying if you are interested one day to live in India and work there. You could do so as an American expatriate. There are US embassies, consulates, and the Department of Homeland Security. USAID is in operation there in India. You could also teach at an international school. Many Americans work abroad and then return back home later.

You might also find it interesting to read on the subject of adult third culture kids and third culture kids. These are terms developed by sociologists to describe people who grew up during some part of their childhood outside their passport country due to the work/employment of their parents. These kids were middle to upper class SES families where the parents worked in the military, diplomatic corp, international corporations, missionaries, or international education (school teachers). These kids have a mixture of cultures based on where they lived while growing up and where they went to school. Many have difficulties repatriating back to their passport countries. The issue of identity is one of interest to adult TCK's. You can find some you tube videos on TCK's.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts and this thread on the international adoption forum. Thank-you for posting.

Tawnya K.

[Momto1human-2furry]

Originally Posted by Sohmakun

Most of the girls are relinquished for adoption because their birth families cannot give away a dowry. Why you ask?... because they are poor.

Also we as Americans cannot point the finger at East Indians for gender preferences. Ask any adoption agency and they can proudly state that nearly 70% of Americans want to adopt a girl. In Eastern Europe boys are severely overrepresented in orphanages making up 75% of the population.

I am sorry but i am kind of confused as to what you mean. But will try and answer anyhow. Do correct me if i misunderstood you.

The girls that are "ABANDONED" are not always abandoned due to poverty. ( i will not use relinquished........as to me the picture of a birth mother contacting an adoption agency, hospital or the Police comes to my mind)......in these cases its not like that at all. In my friends case her child had been found in a Jungle in Punjab with ant marks all over her body and surrounded by coyotes left to die before the villagers found her. Often the reasons are unwed mothers. Its seriously taboo to be discovered you had sex before marriage. I myself feel horrified to say lately i've been reading too many cases of honor killling. I thought it didn't happen too much. But recently a cousin killed his 2 sisters as they had a boyfriend . All in the bleeding name of "Honor". I also read the number of teen pregnancy in my country is increasing and numbers higher than the West. So what do these girls frightened for their life do. They "abandon" and dump their newborn to save their own life.
Also in States like Rajasthan, its a matter of pride to have boys and fewer or no girls as you have to lower your proud head in front of the boy's family during the girls marriage. Therefore its not lack of being able to give that awfull dowry but rather the cultural system we have in place for which girls are so undesired.
As for dowry, its a illegal practise and was rampant more when girls were not given education. Now girls are walking out of marriages and pursuing career when dowry comes in question. So dowry is not such a big trigger for girls being abandoned. Even my uneducated maid knows and wants her daughter to grow up and study to be a nurse rather than throw her in a house with dowry in hand.

Hope i cleared your understanding of the reasons why girls are abandoned in my country.


As for gender preferance why Americans prefer a girl must be same as why i hoped to have a baby girl. Its to dress them in cute clothes and play doll with them or whatever. While gender preferance in India for boys are for very sad reasons 1) He will take my family name forward 2) He will do my last rites during my death 3) I will never have to lower my head in front of a boy's family since girls family are considered second class in relationship hieracy. 4) I might have to give dowry.

[pallavip99]

Originally Posted by Indiaadoptee

Hi!

If any of you are curious how growing up in the U.S. is for an Indian adoptee, let me know. It would be beneficial to hear the other side of the story, one adoptees rarely tell their own adoptive parents.

Hello, yes I would love to hear your story.

[Indiaadoptee]

read it from page 1.

[pallavip99]

HI,

While I feel your pain on discrimination of being brown, in fact I was 1 of 5 indians in my class and back in the 80's ppl thought Indians/Arabs were the same thing. I often got asked if my family rode camels. This discrimination would happen to any Indian, regardless of whether they were adopted or not.
- On the topic of the carriage ride, I think you should address this with your dad.
- You should really try not to care so much what others would think and say. You should be yourself and enjoy the positive aspects of being adopted. My parents migrated to the US in the 70s and I grew up here. Pretty much most of the things you mention can be applied to those not adopted as well. Indian origin parents are often hesitant to show emotions to their kids, especially in public. I have cousins who have little ones..when the little ones come for hugs, they are pushed away and told "dont act like a baby". My gosh, they are only 7 and 8 yrs old. I truly think you should go visit India and you will have a deeper appreciation for being adopted. Hope you dont take this the wrong way but your life is enriched because you have been adopted. Again please dont take this the wrong way, but you have to understand that India is still a 3rd world county who is slowly changing but the poverty level is really bad and girls are sold on the streets for a $1. Being raised here, I truly appreciate the choices my parents made to immigrate to this country where you have many opportunities. You truly will not appreciate this unless you get to know your Indian culture and understand how Indians live and survive.

[pallavip99]

what country are you from? India?

[Indiaadoptee]

As for traveling to India, I'd do it in a heartbeat but it is way too expensive for a college student. Thanks everyone for continuing to read and respond. It's interesting to hear other people's views on certain things.

Note: there's a lot I haven't said about all of this because I know it would be too much for most people to swallow. And what I have shared, most of it has been sugercoated.

[Indiaadoptee]

hey guys, here's a little something. read it, share your thoughts, whatever-i just want to see what you think!

so as you may have already read, my mom died while giving birth to me, and my dad i hope is still alive. here is my latest journal entry. i've been listening to "Wishing You were Somehow Here Again" (from the phantom of the opera with emmy rossum singing) for the past 2 hours. i just finished the journal entry a minute ago. doesn't make much sense grammatically, but who gives a **** cuz it's super early right now! (3:35am, ug)
thought i'd share it, don't know why, probably will regret it later....


How is one supposed to grieve the loss of their mother? Who was separated from them at birth, who never got a chance to say I love you, with the child remembering. How does one go through life without feeling her touch? Hear her voice. See her face. How do they face each day, looking in the mirror, wondering what she looked like? Wishing they had grown up with her standing behind them, brushing their hair, showing them how to do their makeup. Wishing their mom shared their laugh. Shared their love for shopping, their same personality ( less than 1% of the population has same personality as me…kinda lonely), their same love for animals, their same love for books, imagination, rose petals.

How does one grow, from a young child, to an “adult”, without but a fantasy of their mother? How do you, as a child, sit in school, hoping she will suddenly appear, interrupt the instructor, point at you, and say, “that’s my daughter. I’ve come to take her home.” How do you, as a teenager, cry silently every night, for the mother who would understand your anguish.Who would stand by you, assure you as you stare at your pimply face, that this is just a phase, that your face will look like theirs soon. How do you, as a teenager, see not a single soul that looks remotely like you. How do you not feel so utterly alone? How do you, as a young adult, attempt to focus on your college studies, as you gaze out the window, wishing to see her face.

How do you celebrate yet another birthday, another Christmas, another day the sun rises, wondering if your family is out there somewhere. How do you rise in the morning, hoping your father is still alive. How do you survive yet another sleepless night, scared that if you fall asleep, this day might have been his last, and you have not found him. How do you look at families who obviously are biologically related, and not feel robbed of your deepest and most heart wrenching desire-to grow and love and live with your own family.

How do you cope? How do you possibly cope and function for 20 years with these thoughts? These desires? These emotionally exhausting days, months, years-a whole life? How would a non-adoptee even attempt to fathom how it is to live on borrowed existence? To silently cry and scream for your mom? To wish everyday for your dad? To hear the phrase “now that we adopted you, our family is complete” yet to silently add, “but don’t you know if you take one person to complete one family, another family was ripped apart”. To hear the phrase “we love you as our daughter” but silently sob “I love you but I just want my real mom”?. To live a life silenced. To hear someone compliment a friend on how they look just like their mother, and know you will never hear those words. To look at a “family” picture, and immediately see you, the only one without the same eyes, smile, skin color.

it ends abruptly, but i just let it all out, with no corrections, adjustments. and i think it's a good one.

[amyfk]

Your writings are very valid, deep, and thought provoking for a young person. Since you have a lot of questions have you initiated a search for your birth father/family? Although you cannot go back in time you can certainly get some important questions answered.
I wish you luck in 2009. From an adoptive mom who doesnt know the other side firsthand.
Amy K, NJ

[Momto1human-2furry]

Thanks for sharing your private thoughts with us. It made me sad and i would like to share my experience as an Indian in India.

"showing them how to do their makeup. Wishing their mom shared their laugh. Shared their love for shopping, their same personality ( less than 1% of the population has same personality as me…kinda lonely), their same love for animals, their same love for books, imagination, rose petals. "


Children from Indian orphanages mostly come from a family generally for whom Make up, shopping, love for animal and books and time to dream is not a possibility. They have such hard lives, a life an American CAN NOT fathom untill he visits our country. It comes as a shock to most people. My American friend was shocked at the children begging, crapping on the road, camping on the side of the road, eating left overs , some in their mothers arms while they beg,some by the side of the road wearing barely anything while their mother is doing labour work . The American slums is the Indian middle class for us. You have no idea how tough life in India under such circumstances could be. Sure you'd have had your mothers smile and touch but the rest is only a dream. You think those kids who are sleeping on the roads and eating from garbage don't dream of life in a far away place where life is easier ?

Sadly children in the orphanage would be from a family so poor like i described or from an unwed mother(middle or upper class) who would rather die than acknowledge the shame she brought upon her family.OR abandoned due to prejudices of being born a girl. Sadly in Rajasthan and Haryana its common to hear of little babies being strangled or drowned at birth.If they are lucky and not killed they face the worst abuse no American can imagine. example- fed in the end after family eats, beaten, made to work as a young child while the brother goes to school, possibly dumped into marriage to an old man who will not ask for dowry are some ways a girl child are mistreated.

I am sorry to say Americans will get the biggest culture shock if they haven't visited my country.

India is a depressing life for the "have not". Yet they are happy and not suing some one or complaining. Its because we believe in "what ever happens for the best". Not brooding and dreaming of what life could have been. Its not in our culture.

I do wish you peace in 2009 and hope you visit the country of your origin and learn about life here for the have nots ,the unwanted girl child and taboos of unwed pregnancy.

[Indiaadoptee]

"...orphanages mostly come from a family generally for whom Make up, shopping, love for animal and books and time to dream is not a possibility. They have such hard lives, a life an American CAN NOT fathom untill he visits our country. It comes as a shock to most people. My American friend was shocked at the children begging..."

I wasn't born yesterday! I do know how tough life is in other countries. I've traveled to third world countries and have seen the horrible conditions in which people live in. Culture shock is bad enough, but the culture shock when returning to America is worse-because it eventually goes away and you forget.
And as for me talking about my mother and wishes about her, I'm not stupid-I know we would have never shared that in India. I probably would have died before the age of 5 considering where I lived and the circumstances.

and amyfk, I actually have my father's name and address, but have yet to send my letter to him.

[Anu Subramanian]

Indiaadoptee
Thank you for continuing to share your most private thoughts with PAP's and AP's - I think it is really important for us to know what we may (will) deal with and for your suggestions about what we can do to help.
In the midst of your feelings of abandonment and wishes to see/know your birth family, I think we forget to remember that you have said in a post before that you want to 'thank your birth father' when you meet him. So there is a big part of you that acknowledges that your life has been 'better' (that's not the best word, but it's all I could come up with) because of his decision to put you up for adoption.
Also, I have a couple of friends who are adults who were adopted. All of them went through the stage of looking for their birth parents and their attempts were either thwarted or ended on a dead end. One of them was actually able to contact her birthmom, but was told that she did not want any contact. I know that when she was in her 20's, she struggled with all of this a lot more. In her 30's now, with her own family and her life somewhat 'together', she thinks about her birthmom, but is more at ease with her decision. I hope that you find peace in your journey too.
On a weirdly personal note, when I was upset with my parents as a teenager, I tended to wish I was adopted so I would not carry the crazy genes of my parents. Now, of course, I feel bad that I said those things to them. But, I was a horrible teenager.

[amyfk]

At least you have your birthfather's information in case you do choose to contact him at some point. I guess just see how you feel over time. Some folks want to pursue contact others dont, it's an individual thing.
Sadly like mom21human..etc. I have also read that India is a very impoverished country, but that still doesnt take away the longings of an adoptee to know his past/bio family etc. So you will see how you feel as you go along.
Best wishes and happy new year to you,
Amy K, NJ

[Momto1human-2furry]

[quote=IndiaadopteeI wasn't born yesterday! I do know how tough life is in other countries. I've traveled to third world countries and have seen the horrible conditions in which people live in. Culture shock is bad enough, but the culture shock when returning to America is worse-because it eventually goes away and you forget.
And as for me talking about my mother and wishes about her, I'm not stupid-I know we would have never shared that in India. I probably would have died before the age of 5 considering where I lived and the circumstances.

QUOTE]

I am sorry i wasn't saying things to be mean. But travelling to any 3rd world country and India there is a huge "culture " difference and beliefs- religous and cultural so different from many other 3rd world countries that are unique to India that come as a shock. You will understand ONLY by visiting India.

I hope you can contact your birth father and i am sure he will feel peace to see you did grow up in a great enviorment amongst good parents.

Also if i could advise you to lay your hands on the copy of Bhagwad Geeta and understand the Indian beliefs you will get a different persepective of life and learn about India and its culture too. (Unless you know for sure you are not a Hindu by birth so plz forget this advise)

Happy peacefull 2009 to you.

[account4net]

Indiaadoptee,

Parenting is a thankless job. It is a tough job. I don't know at what age you were adopted, but if you were too small, that means lot of sleepless nights too. When the child is hurt or when it is need of support, parents are there. And it takes lots and lots of patience. This holds good for birth as well as a adoptive parents. Bringing up a child is one of the most stressful, sometimes rewarding as well as meaningful thing one would do in life.