[hiloli]

I didnt mention in my first post but I am an adoptee also, the difference is I was born in america so I did not have that challenge to overcome but I do know the feelings you talk about, that need to find your biological family. I am like you, my adoptive parents are wonderful and I love them very much and dont want to hurt them by searching but I know they would understand. I dont actually want to meet my biological family I would like to see what they look like and know what they are like but for now that is all.

[Indiaadoptee]

That is so neat that you have that connection with his family in India, and are considering adoption from there. Your kid will have a lot of cool experiences in both countries. India won't be a far off land to him/her. It will be real and a part of him/her.

[account4net]

I was of the opinion that in an adopted house, the adopted children and the parents would be happy about the experience unless something went wrong. I figured, the parents would get to enjoy with the children which they call as their own and the children would get parents and family which they would call their own. There are many children who need a home and many parents who need children. I think as long as that is understood at a broad level, then things would work very well. Am I missing something.

Thanks for the frank opinions on this forum.

[Momto1human-2furry]

Hi Indiaadoptee,

I enjoyed reading your informative answers. I am an Indian adoptive parent too who has adopted a Hispanic baby while i lived in the U.S. I plan to teach her Spanish so that if she ever finds her birth family she will not have a problem with communication.

My question to you, have you leant "hindi" or whatever native tounge is of your birth family while growing up? Or are you aware of what your language of origin is?

[Indiaadoptee]

Hi account4net,
Yes you are missing something. A lot, actually. But I am glad you wrote this, because so many prospective aparents and current aparents say these exact words. Keep in mind I'm not attacking you personally, just the statements.

"...children would get parents and family which they would call their own." In order to create a "family" the children had to lose their true family. This child will grow up knowing--even if it is completely unsaid--that they are not the same as blood relatives. They will know they are replacements, a living testament to the AP's failed fertility. (By the way, the sappy things aparents love to say to their adoptees like "you're a gift", "you are special, you were chosen", are completely untrue. As an adoptee grows up and thinks about the truth of adoption, they know they weren't a gift. They know they are not the aparents first choice, in some cases, they aren't even the second choice. Truthfully, they are a last resort.)

"many parents who need children." Parents should never "need" children-that isn't healthy. It's unstable and puts way too much responsibility on a child who is grieving the loss of their first family.

"the adopted children...would be happy about the experience" Why would anyone be happy to lose their family, ancestry, identity, and self? Pretty much all adoptees suffer from a combination of the following psychological problems, regardless of how "positive" their adoption: identity issues, low self esteem, depression, abandonment issues, not belonging, loneliness, lack of connection, anxiety, social problems, inattenion, impulsivity, defiance, aggression, attachment difficulties and substance abuse. Even if someone "knows" an adoptee and insists this person is "just fine and perfectly happy about being adopted", they really have no idea. Go read an adult adoptee forum, outside of this adoption.com bubble.

To expect the adoptee to feel "happy" is absurd. And if anyone doesn't believe me, I again urge them to go read any adult adoptee forum. Ask questions.

"Am I missing something." I highly suggest anyone who still thinks along those lines (like a lot of people in our adoption = fairytale culture) to read the books The Primal Wound and Journey of the Adopted Self. They're a big help.

Hope that helps! Thanks for listening.

[Indiaadoptee]

Hi, Momto1human-2furry,
No I haven't learned Hindi. I would like to, but I know I've heard it once before when I was a baby in India. So whenever I do hear it, in Indian movies or wherever, it gives me a huge headache and makes me nervous.

Happy belated birthday to your toddler!

[account4net]

Hi Indiaadoptee,

About 'last resort', I have few comments. Adoption is not always because of failed fertility. There are many who adopt, even after having bio children. Many single mothers or fathers also go for adoption. The reasons for adoption are varied, failure to have bio children is one of them. Why do people have bio children. The reason is they want to raise a family, need someone to talk to, share thoughts and spend time together. The same reasons apply to adopted children. On a tangential note, many parents do think that population in the world is huge and they don't want to add to that, but still want to raise children for the sake of reasons mentioned above. For them adoption is the first choice. I have heard of other reasons for adoption. Some couples have only boys in the family and would like to raise a girl child and vice versa. Now in the case of failed fertility and adoption in this case, it is still a long thought out decision. The decision is to raise children and family.

Separation from the birth family can be many and the adopted family cannot address this. The separation could be because of financial, social issues to untimely demise of birth parents, disasters and so on.

Hope to get your thoughts on these.

I also have a few direct questions and hope to get your thoughts on that.
Is it easier for the adoptee to be of some age at the time adoption?
Is it better for a separated child to be raised by a family or is it better off in an orphanage?
Is it easier for the adoptee if it is adopted from an orphanage where adoption is not the cause of separation from birth family?
Is it easier to be adopted in the same nationality?

Thanks for actively responding.

[dpen6]

Indiaadoptee,

From an old adoptee, white, born in the US i want to say ...YOU GO GIRL...you are doing a fabulous job in your attempt to educate. Keep up the good work!

[dpen6]

I would like to address some of the comments here from the adoptive parents. I am no kid and am probaly loder then most of you.

Some say we should feel grateful for being adopted. WE don't feel grateful just for the very act of being adopted. I think most peole don't "want" to be adopted so why would those of us that were be grateful that we had to be adopted in the first place? We are NOR grateful that we had to be adopted in the first place. No matte what the reasons the parents wanted, or needed to adopt it doesn't change the fact that the adoption happened to the adoptee...no one else. Everyone else is a PART of the adoption but its the adoptee that is adopted. Most children "should" be gratfeul for to good parenting and those of us that are adopted ARE gratful to our parents for handing our adoptions with sensitivity and respect for who we RREALLY are..that is born of one and raised by another. If in fact the reasons for our adoptions were valid and if we had good parenting again with respect to what our true situations were we WILL be graetful and loveing. My parents are my real parents...period...but I did have another mother and not matter how aweful she may have been(she wasn't aweful at all) it is up to me to decide how I feel about heer..no one else. An adopted child can NEVER be "just like our own" in every way. Because its not the truth. We can be real kids, we can love our REAL(doptive) parents as oour real parents and still want to know our bio...its where we came from...its a part of who we are and I feel that if adoptive parents do love their children as they say they need to understand that.

[account4net]

I am wondering if any of the adoptees found birth parents or information about their birth parents and what happened after that.

[Indiaadoptee]

Sorry guys for taking SO LONG for responding! School stuff started piling on.….

So, account4net, here’s my super delayed responses to your other questions:

Is it easier for the adoptee to be of some age at the time of adoption?
Umm…I don’t know. “easier” is an iffy word to use. I’d rather be adopted as a young child, old enough to remember things from my past. Being an infant when adopted, waiting decades later to remember your past is NO fun at all. If I was somewhat older, and had any memory at all, there would be that tiny shred of security and of hope. I’d give anything to remember sounds, or faces, or words, places, even if they were super foggy in my memory.

Is it better for a separated child to be raised by a family or is it better off in an orphanage?
Isn’t that the million dollar question. So many non-adoptees like to trick me with this one. I’ll answer the question this time by saying, I think it is better for other people, other governments to give money to the child’s first parents so they can afford to keep their child, instead of having to make the gut wrenching choice to drop them off at an orphanage. I say overseas adoption should be the last, absolute last choice of adoption from prospective parents. The money shouldn’t be used to take the child OUT of their real country, AWAY from their real family. It should be used to be given to the poor family to keep the child IN their real country, WITH their real family.

but who am i kidding. who in the adoption world, and in the world in general, who wants to hear that? no one...except the adoptee.


Is it easier for the adoptee if it is adopted from an orphanage where adoption is not the cause of separation from birth family?
Huh? Can you rephrase that please. ☺

"Is it easier to be adopted in the same nationality?"
Again, the “easier” word. I don’t speak for all adoptees, but I’d rather not be adopted into the same nationality. Because in addition to juggling being adopted, it would rarely come up ever because everyone would look somewhat similar. If the parents wanted to keep the adoption a secret, it’d just rub more salt into the wound. It could also be cruel, and to me, a sneaky move on the prospective aparents to not have to deal with people asking 24/7 if you’re kid was adopted, or dealing with race issues. I’d think it be more pressure for the adoptee. On the other hand, I guess, there could be positives to it. Can’t think of any right now.


By the way, Dpen6, you ROCK!!

[Indiaadoptee]

Also, keep in mind everyone, my answers are coming from my own experience. other adoptees may have different answers. I don't have any insight on answering from someone who was adopted, say at age 7, or someone who grew up in the same nationality, someone born and adopted in one country, someone adopted in an open adoption, or anything like that.

[Momto1human-2furry]

Originally Posted by Indiaadoptee

I think it is better for other people, other governments to give money to the child’s first parents so they can afford to keep their child, instead of having to make the gut wrenching choice to drop them off at an orphanage. I say overseas adoption should be the last, absolute last choice of adoption from prospective parents.

But do you know there are millions in India that are NOT abandoned because of "poverty" issues ? Yes ,the primary reason is poverty. But being born a "girl" is a reason enough for some to abandon their child. Being an Indian an often reading news reports and even speaking to a few illeterate people and many educated people who refuse to raise "another" girl child if they end up after attempting for that so called wonderfull most coveted gender "boy"!! In my cousins case i believe she was born to a middle class educated family with "too many girls". Their obessesion with a boy child made them give her up and i can lay a bet they must have made more attempts to try for a "boy" after abandoning my cousin who was adopted later in the hospital. Money would have not solved their problem. Only a male child would.
Do you know sex determination in India during pregnancy is banned because Indians in general are obsessed with a boy child. Its a few of those obsessed people irrespective of their financial status who can abandon their baby girl. Money would not work!!


Also do you know another cause of abandonement in India is child out of wedlock?
Pre-marital sex is considered so taboo that a girl can expect to loose her life if not just her status if it was disovered she has had pre-marital sex let alone had a child out of wedlock. A girl would rather die than acknowledge the shame this would bring to her and most importantly her family.
Also do you know a woman in India is often so dependant (not necessarily financially) on a man that if a woman in a new relationship abandons her child from her first marriage/relationship ,it is not unheard of.

I am adding the above reasons ONLY because you gave poverty as the only reasons why children in India are abandoned.
Sad but true money was not the cause why these childrens lost their family.

My question would an adoptee still want a realationship with the birth parents that abandoned them due to their "gender"?

Would an adoptee consider that if born out of wedlock their birth mothers life and all relationships would be at risk if a connection was ever made?

[account4net]

Thank you Indiaadoptee for all the responses. Good insight and thank you Momto1human-2furry for bringing the various other reason for child abandonment.


Is it easier for the adoptee if it is adopted from an orphanage where adoption is not the cause of separation from birth family?
Huh? Can you rephrase that please. ☺

I was thinking of children that are abandoned due to death of the birth parents but didn't want to say it directly in my earlier post, but Momto1human-2furry has listed other reasons as to why children get abandoned.

[Sohmakun]

Originally Posted by Momto1human-2furry

But do you know there are millions in India that are NOT abandoned because of "poverty" issues ? Yes ,the primary reason is poverty. But being born a "girl" is a reason enough for some to abandon their child. Being an Indian an often reading news reports and even speaking to a few illeterate people and many educated people who refuse to raise "another" girl child if they end up after attempting for that so called wonderfull most coveted gender "boy"!!

Most of the girls are relinquished for adoption because their birth families cannot give away a dowry. Why you ask?... because they are poor.

Also we as Americans cannot point the finger at East Indians for gender preferences. Ask any adoption agency and they can proudly state that nearly 70% of Americans want to adopt a girl. In Eastern Europe boys are severely overrepresented in orphanages making up 75% of the population.