[Indiaadoptee]

Dating...In high school, most of the guys in my traditional school had stereotypes about Indian girls. When it was obvious a guy was interested in me and didn't pursue it, I'd ask my guy friends to find out for me. And they'd come back and say the guys thought I was in an arraigned marriage or something. It was ridiculous, but funny at the same time. In college it was different, since I was a rare find among blonds and brunettes. The only irritating thing is, when I do date, my friends immediately want to know what skin color he is, since I'm not white like them, as if that's the only important part. My parents, like you, have raised me to treat everyone with respect regardless of skin color, so of course when people asked me those questions it just disgusted me.Could you clarify the question about being white/racism? I'm not sure what you meant. In aswer to your other question, I was adopted as an infant.
How should you handle something that might be painful and possibly horrifying? It depends on what it is. My advice, at each stage of his growing up, tell him his entire story. When he’s in the elementary/middle school age, I’d obviousely either keep the disturbing part vague or not tell him yet-it depends on the child. Of course, if you chose to tell him about it while he’s young, keep it vague. When he is around 13-15, I’d tell him exactly, down to the painful detail, what happened. That’s what my parents did. Before I was 14, they told me bits and pieces of it, but didn't reveal the really bad part. When I was 14 they laid it all out on the table for me, so to speak, and told me everything they knew about the awful, awful thing that was a part of my adoption. Whatever you do, do not wait till they are older than 15. Telling a 12 year old is a little risky, and waiting till they are old enough to drive will only make them angry for not telling them sooner.
What other topics, events, or milestones in a child’s life are you interested in learning about from an adoptee’s perspective?

[Synesthesia]

Birthdays and holidays...
Did your parents incorporate aspects of Indian culture into your life when they were raising you?

[Indiaadoptee]

Sometimes my mom would cook Indian food, we'd go to Indian restaurants, just the usual stuff. They also enrolled me in an India educational program for indian children adoptees. That was when I was really young. Nothing else stands out-I think as I grew older, past the elementary school years, they saw me more and more as just another kid in the family and the adoption became less significant. Sometimes the thrill of adoption wears off just when the adoptee starts to question their adoption.

[ageetkumar]

Hi India adoptee

I am trying to understand the thoughts / feelings behind your wanting to know more about your bilogical parents. I don't mean to be disrespectful of your feelings. But how does it matter whether your biological parents exist somewhere or not? I mean just because somebody gave birth doesn't make them parents to their child. I think the whole idea of parenting is involved in the process of raising the child with love & care. I know it's not easy, but I am trying to put myself in your shoes & think. To me, the biological parents don't mean anything more than any of the 6 billion odd people in the world.

We too are considering adoption and this very thought is what haunts us as prospective adoptive parents. The thought that at some point in our life our child would start thinking in these lines, which would, to us, imply that we have not been as successful in raising our child as his/her biological parents would have been. That we we have some how failed so much in our capacity to love him/her that he/she is thinking about his/her biological "real" parent. In fact this very concern is what pulls my partner away from the idea.

And you also mentioned not wanting to seem ungrateful. There is no room for gratefulness / ungrgratefulness in such relationships. in fact the parents would be grateful to you for bringing yourself into their lives.

regards,


AKT

Originally Posted by Indiaadoptee

Hi Carro. I'm so glad you are looking to adopt from India!
Yea, the Indian name issue was interesting. I like Indian names, don't get me wrong, but I am not fond of the ones that are hard to pronounce! My last name is Petersen...haha.
Why would your husband fear the child wouldn't accept him? Is there a particular reason?

If the child was adopted as an infant, your husband would be the only father he or she ever knew, so there would be no reason why they wouldn't accept him. That was my case.

My younger brother, on the other hand, who was also adopted from India, came home when he was 3. So he was old enough to know about family names, like mom,dad, brother,etc. In India, my brother lived with a missionary family before my dad arrived. But he didn't have a problem accepting my dad because they introduced my dad as his dad. He finally had someone to call Daddy.

My brother and I are very fortunate to have an amazing dad, so no, it wasn't an issue at all, growing up. Now being in college, it's a whole new thing. I love my dad very much, but it is hard because I know I have a birth father still in India somewhere. It's a huge mental struggle-I want to know more about my birth father, but don't want to seem ungrateful to my adoptive father. And I don't talk to my adoptive parents about it because I don't want them to know how big of a deal it is to me.

Did any of that help? What questions can I answer for you? Any topic you want me to talk about?

[ageetkumar]

Just a quick query to you, India adoptee. Would you yourself consider adopting a child in your life?

regards,

AKT

[Indiaadoptee]

Hi AKT
Wow, from an adoptee's perspective, what an odd but interesting question. It kind of surprised me to read the sentence “…just because somebody gave birth doesn’t make them parents to their child.” Also, it somewhat alarmed me to read the last sentence of the first paragraph. What I interpreted, and correct me if I’m wrong, it seems perfectly logical to assume any person who plucks a kid out of an orphanage is that child’s parent from then on, and therefore it doesn’t matter who the people, particularly the mother who bonded with the child for at least 9 months, were. I actually think it does matter whether or not the birth parents exist. Here's my thoughts.

In answer to your question, it all comes down to identity. The adoptee wants to know where they came from in order to complete their identity. I don’t know, but from reading your first paragraph, I have to assume you have grown up in your biological family. When you look into your family mirror, you can see everything. You can see where your family came from, generations ago, you can see what you might look like when you get older, you can see medical issues that might flare up, you can see what things you may be naturally good at, the list goes on. Your biological family has a lot to do with your identity.

The adoptee, on the other hand, looks into the family mirror and sees nothing. All they see is themselves. There is no one who is the same physically, psychologically or emotionally. And as they grow older, they become even more aware that there is, or were, in fact somebody out there who is the same.

That’s why a lot of adoptees what to search. That’s why I want to search. It is sometime scary and lonely to grow up in a family that is completely different than me. Don't get me wrong, I love my adoptive family-they're awesome, funny, and cool. But both my adoptive family and birth family have a part in forming my identity, so naturally, obviously, I want to know more about my real parents.
And if you do decide to adopt, I hope you encourage the child to learn about their past, including information about their birth parents, no matter how painful it may be for you. It could bring you closer to your child.

[Indiaadoptee]

Oh, and to answer that last little question about adopting. Would I consider one day adopting? To be honest, I don't know. I would like to.
But I would only do it if:
- I knew exactly where the child came from
-I knew who the parents were, even if it was just pictures
-I had specific contact information from the birth family

and, the most important part, only if the birth family would want to see the kid again. As an adult adoptee, I don't think I could handle parenting an adoptee who's birth family didn't want to see their kid again. It'd be too painful for me.

And if I were to adopt, I would be more than willing to let the kid venture out and find their birth family. If the kid wanted to do that, I would do everything in my power to make it happen.

[wannabamom]

IndiaAdoptee,
It's really good to know your experiences and PAPs get an adoptee's view regarding adoption, etc..
I just want to know - I read in your earlier post that your Parents, siblings, etc.. are American. Do you think it'd have lessened your feelings of not belonging or other such issues as you were growing up, had you been adopted by Indians ???
Thanks for answering this,

[Indiaadoptee]

Good question...I guess in some ways it would be easier, with fitting in physically with people, but at the same time even more difficult, because there would be more expectations because I would have Indian parents. I think there would be more pressure, intentional or unintentional, to be like them.

[carro]

Originally Posted by Indiaadoptee

Don't get me wrong, I love my adoptive family-they're awesome, funny, and cool. But both my adoptive family and birth family have a part in forming my identity, so naturally, obviously, I want to know more about my real parents.

I dont mean to be rude or hurt your feelings but, when I read this it sounds like you talk about your parents as if they were your aunt and unkle and not your real parents. Is that how you feel? Did your parents make you feel like you were the odd one out "the adopted one" and not their "real" child?
I can totally understand that you would want to research about your past to understand more about yourself . If my husband and I decside to adopt I would encourage the child to do the same, but I would hope that the child would see us as THE parents not just some couple that raised me....

[JillnChris]

Carro and AKT,
Just wanted to address your questions about the roll of the birth parents and ap's quickly. I understand where you are coming from because when we started this process we had a similar perspective. But this process has completely changed that! I would highly suggest reading some books like "Raising adopted children" and "20 things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents new". Also, signing up with an agency that offers good parenting classes is a huge help in understand the very complicated but beautiful dynamics of adoption.
Growing up as a biological child there was A LOT that I needed to learn about raising an adopted child.

[Indiaadoptee]

Carro-
Don’t worry, I know you mean no offense or anything. I’m glad you’re asking these questions.

I view both my adoptive and biological parents as both my real parents, though at times, like now, I am leaning towards my biological parents.

My feelings toward both sets of parents can be visualized like a see-saw. The end with my adoptive parents goes up a lot because of growing up in the family, but can go down when I go through important milestones (my biological parents weren’t there) or when my adoptive family doesn’t understand me. The other end with my biological parents can go up when I dream about the day I meet them, but can go down when I think of the actual separation of adoption. It is rare when they are completely balanced.
That’s really the tip of the ice berg. I could go on and on. I agree with Jill. You definitely need to read some books! The books she recommended are critical to understanding adopted kids. I also highly recommend “The Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier. That book is very, very insightful. It felt like I was reading myself. There’s some controversy out there whether or not the primal wound actually exists, but I bet the people who say it doesn’t exist are not adopted, and if they are, they are just denying it.

One thing I want to make crystal clear. You can't expect an adopted kid to view their adopted parents as their only parents. That just rubs salt to the wound.

[carro]

Hi Indiaadoptee

I am glad you did not take my post the wrong way. I felt a bit bad after I posted it.I was worried that it might have sounded hurtful.
I definitly will read some books about adoption. Here in Germany you also have to do a course before you adopt, which I think is great.
Also reading what other people are writing on this forum teaches me alot.
especially what you are writing. I think it is so great to hear from someone who has been adopted what they have experienced and gone through. To do the right thing and do your best for the child is what I worry about the most.

I think there is so much emotions around adoption. For everyone involved. The birth parents , the child and the adopting parents.

When I hear comments like : why don't you just adopt!!! That makes me a bit angry because it makes it sound so easy.

[Indiaadoptee]

Yea, books are good! So is what Jill said, getting connected with an agency. I wish more countries would require a course before adopting, because like you said, there is so much emotion for the whole triad.
Yea, I'm not in favor of comments like "why don't you just adopt" either. People need to educate themselves before they say things like that! Adoption is a huge commitment and really it takes a very special person with a big heart to go through with it.

[hiloli]

Hi,

I am american and my hubby is Indian we were married in India in 2005 and then 6 months later he was able to move here with me. We want to adopt from India and the reason is because he will be able to teach him//her about their heritage and also because he still has family in India and also we still have his home in India we will go to India to visit as often as we can and then he/she will be able to actually experience where they came from.

Thanks for your post