[wannabamom]

Indianadoptee,
I think it's just amazing that you decided to post this and are helping so many unanswered questions that we all have!!!!!! I just want to know though, do you ever feel like going and looking for your birth family??? We are adopting, and I am sure, that you would know that most adoptive Parents are scared that the child they adopt, will one day leave them and go looking for their Birth Families. What are your thoughts on this????? I think you have wonderful family that you are very close to, and I wish all the best for your AParents, and your brother.

[Indiaadoptee]

Hi wannabamom,
I’m glad people are reading these posts. Hope these following thoughts will help you out, especially since they deal with adoptive parents!

I would go back to India in a heartbeat if I could. I’ve been thinking about my birth father nearly every day for the past several months. I need to go back someday. Even though I am very grateful for what my adoptive parents have done for me, I would not want them to come with me. I’m sure it would break their hearts that I wouldn't want to include them. But it is a necessary adventure to travel without my adoptive family. I need to know the beginning of my story to go on with my life.

I think adoptive parents need to be aware of the trauma adoptees experience, and the necessary healing adoptees need to undergo in order to get on with their lives. Too many books and websites cater to the adoptive parents and the trauma they may experience at the time they adopt. Too few touch on the adoptees who have to endure growing up in a completely alien environment.
Bottom line, I think adoptive parents should encourage their child to go and find their family.

[wannabamom]

IndianAdoptee,

I really think you are absolutely right. A lot of people and their emotions are involved in an adoption process!!!!!
Ofcourse, an adoptee's feelings of identity, etc.. should be understood. Also, from the view of both the biological and the adoptive families, everyone has gone through so much for the upbringing of a child !!!!! I am not saying that anyone has performed a charity, but still, everyone gets a family when an adoption takes place!!! And I really hope you find what you're looking for and happiness to all your loved ones!!!!!!
Thanks for answering our questions and doubts.

[Anu Subramanian]

As a prospective adoptive mother, I can see myself being a little insecure and unsure of my potential child finding someone (their biological parents) that they care for and 'belong' with more than me. But, I dont know how it is to have a child. I feel that when my child is old enough and makes this choice - his/her happiness will be way more important than my insecurity and I will be happy to do what it takes for my child to feel secure.
Indiaadoptee, I was somewhat surprised by your use of the word 'trauma'. I do believe that all of us have emotional baggage irrespective of our backgrounds - divorced parents, not divorced parents who should have, abuse of some sort, addictions - so many things. As a prospective adoptive parent, I never thought that what I am choosing to do is in any way traumatic for me or the child - do you feel like it was a 'traumatic' experience for you? Or am I just loosing myself in semantics?

[Indiaadoptee]

Hi!
Okay, I am going to try to be as clear as possible. And I hope I didn’t make you hesitate on adopting! It is difficult to talk about this without thinking I might scare away prospective parents. I agree that all of us have emotional baggage. I don’t want to make it seem like adoptees are above anybody else.

‘Trauma’ is a heavy word, I agree. But I have to be honest, and there’s no other word I’d rather use. However, the trauma is different for every adoptee-for some, it affects them deeply. Others, they don’t notice it. It depends on the person. The trauma I am referring to is the separation from the biological family. It can be physically, emotionally, psychologically, on different levels. Please understand, your choice of adopting won’t be as traumatic with the right preparation. By researching and asking these questions, you and others, are taking that extra step. By preparing now, you will be ready to later effectively communicate with and understand your future adopted child.

You asked about my experience. For me, it is tricky. The act of being adopted was not traumatic. I am very fortunate to have an amazing adoptive family. But as I have grown older, I have become more aware of the trauma of never knowing my mother. It is a weird feeling, a loss of never knowing my biological mother. Here’s a few sections from some articles I read, to give you an idea:
“Searching, is not simply an intellectual activity for the adoptee. There is an emotional component as well, and it is my belief that this emotional component is the most important part. If one genuinely wonders why adoptees search, I think that a comprehensive answer must include the following: On one level, adoptees search so they might see, touch, and talk to their biological mother - the search is an effort to make contact with one's biological family. On a different level (the bottom line), it is something more than this. I think that the search is most fundamentally, an expression of the wish to undo the trauma of separation.
“Adoptees either hope (unrealistically, but not necessarily unexpectantly) to relive the life that was lost at the time of the separation, or hope (more realistically) to heal the wound caused by the separation, and therefore provide a more solid base for their lives.”
“Adoptees are faced with a feeling of loss and grief that they are not allowed, by society, to actively mourn. “With adoption, the child experiences a loss (like divorce or death) of an unknown person, and doesn’t know why.” (Adopting Resources, 1995) She is aware that family members are lost to her, but is expected to not mourn the loss of this family member she has never known.”

If people want, I can add the links later. But I have a feeling if prospective parents read them, they may interpret them the wrong way and decide not to adopt. The articles aren't the most cheerful ones out there. They kind of generalize adoptees in a negative way I don’t agree with, but that’s my opinion. But they also give insight in possible problems adopted children may face.

Did any of this help? I hope it did. Looking forward to anybody’s response!

[Anu Subramanian]

Indiaadoptee, thanks for clarifying. Your post did not make me want to re-consider adopting at all - I have always wanted to adopt since I can remember.
What can adoptive parents do to help their children and to reduce the effect of the trauma that you are going through?

[Indiaadoptee]

So you’re asking what adoptive parents could do within their own ability to aid their child? My advice, is don’t wait till your child is a senior in high school to travel back to the country of their birth! A trip to their country will ease the trauma. Everybody starts to experience their quest for their identity in high school. Adoptees have a deeper level, an almost more desperate quest for their identity, and some questions can only be answered by actually traveling to the country of their birth. Before the adoptive family and child take a trip, I would say dig up those adoption documents, make calls or emails to find out specific names or places in the child’s country.
My main thing is, when the hard questions come that are out of the adoptive parent’s reach, encourage the curiosity! Make it a family adventure to find the answers whether through letters, travel, emails, whatever, but be attentive to your child who is in the front seat of the emotional rollercoaster. Think of it as a unique opportunity to grow closer to your child.

Personally, the trauma of separation didn't catch up to me until a few months ago. It's been a lot of years of questions and emotions that are being discovered now, all at the same time. For people like that, therapy! So there's a wide range of options-it all depends on the child.

[JillnChris]

IndiaAdoptee,

I came accross this post by accident today (I am adopting from Guatemala) but I am so glad I did! Please do not be afraid of turning PAP's away by your comments. You have describe your feelings very elequently and in a gentle way. It is so important for us to hear about your experience and what your AP could have done differently. Right now I am reading a book called "Raising adopted children" and "20 things adopted children wish their adoptive parents new." I think that second one might be a good read for your dad. Have you tried talking to him about searching for your birthfather?
Thanks again for your wonderful insights!

[krafmatic]

My husband and I thought that we would take a family trip to Guatemala (we're in process with twin boys there now) when our guys get to be in the 12-14 year old range. We want them to be able to understand the trip but still be earlier enough that it might help them during those wonderful teenage years...does this make sense to you?

We are all (me, my husband, our two bio kids) learning Spanish. We are friends with other families who have adopted from Guatemala so they will know other kids who might be experiencing the same things.

Is there anything else you could recommend that would help?

[Anu Subramanian]

Thank you for those very practical, concrete suggestions. I am sure me and a lot of other parents will learn from you!

[Indiaadoptee]

Jill,

Thanks for the book recommendations! I love to read. The second one sounds really interesting-I'll have to see if the library has it.
I would recommend prospective aparents to watch the movie, the Italian. No, don't mistake it for the the Italian Job. The Italian is a foreign film (complete with English subtitles) and is about a young Russian boy. While he is in an orphanage, he learns he will be adopted. Before his adoptive parents come to take him he learns that his mother is still alive. So he runs away, and the whole movie is about his desperate quest to find his mom. It is an amazing movie. Please, I really recommend it for any person who is serious about adopting.
By the way, Jill, is there a list of the "20 things" somewhere online on a website? Just in case I can't find the book anywhere?

[JillnChris]

This is the list but I really recomend reading it because you get so much more out of the actual book.

1. "I suffered a proufound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible."
2. "I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed."
3. "If I don't grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and others will be hindered."
4."My unresolved grief may surface in anger toward you."
5. "I need your help in grieving my loss. Teach me how to get in touch with my feelings about my adoption and then validate them."
6. "Just because I don't talk about my birth family doesn't mean I don't think about them."
7."I want you to take the initiative in opening converstaions about my birth familiy."
8. "I need to know the truth about my conception, birth, and family history, no matter how painful the details may be."
9. "I am afraid I was 'given away' by my birth mother because I was a bad baby. I need you to help me dump my toxic shame."
10. "I am afraid you will abandon me."
11. "I may appear more 'whole' than I actually am. I need your help to uncover the parts of myself that I keep hidden so I can integrate all the elements of my identity."
12."I need to gain a sense of personal power."
13. "Please don't say I look or act just like you. I need you to acknowledge and celebrate our differences."
14. "Let me be my own person....but don't let me cut mysefl off from you."
15. "Please respect my privacy regarding my adoption. Don't tell other people without my consent."
16. "Birthdays may be difficult for me."
17. "Not knowing my full medical history can be distressing at times."
18. "I'm afraid I will be too much for you to handle."
19. "When I act out my fears in obnoxious ways, please hang in there with me, and respond wisely."
20. "Even if I decide to search for my birth family, I will always want you to be my parents."

[Indiaadoptee]

Thanks for the list. Some of it was true for me, some wasn't. I even made up my own list for my aparents.

I would highly recommend prospective aparents to read the book, The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Verrier. I actually just "bumped" into it at the library yesterday and couldn't stop reading it!

Kathy, I read your post about your children. I think it's a fantastic idea to take them when they are teenagers. You asked for any other recommendations. Are you specifically talking about your family? Or where you just asking in general?

[JillnChris]

I still really recomend reading it though because there is a lot more too it then just reading the list. I have gotten a lot out of it and the titles have a different meaning after I read the actual chapter.
I think it is a great idea that you made your own list!

[Dearonebaby]

Hello,
I think it is awesome that you are sharing with us all how you feel and felt. May I ask.... How is dating for you? I mean, we raise our kids to see NO color, but of course not everyone does that! Is it hard for you to find a person to date because of race difference? We live in a very small town in Colorado and I often wonder how this will work out for our Taiwanese son and any other child we adopt from abroad. I know you said that you thought of yourself as white, is that part of what played into the racism when you got older and to college? What age were you when you were adopted? As far as telling our adopted children their life story... if there is something that may prove trully disturbing to them how should we handle that?
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. You are too cool!