[ashana]

I'm still learning about how the whole process works, and am wondering if anyone has any experience with choosing an older child from a particular language group.

I speak some Hindi (although not fluently) and I have a large number of Gujarati-speaking friends, so I would favor a child who spoke either (or both) of those languages because it seems like the child's initial adjustment would be easier if we could communicate directly or through readily-available interpreters. It would also help the child to feel like they "belonged" if we shared a second language (other than English) and that would be nice.

Does anyone know if choosing the language is an option?

Thanks!
Ashana

[crow]

I cannot answer whether you have the option of choosing a child who speaks a certain language. In fact, I don't even know whether you can always choose the region in India you want to adopt from. In my case, it depended on the childrens' homes my agency used. When I first applied to the agency, I was looking for bio-sibling girls between 5 and 8. At that time I was given examples of waiting girls in Gujarat where the agency had contacts. A year later, when I was ready to be assigned children, those girls were no longer available; and I was told about sisters (6 and 12) from Orissa. I declined these children because the age of one child was higher than I was comfortable with. Weeks later I was told about my daughters who were at the time in a childrens' home in Bangalore. They spoke Kannada and Telegu before coming to the childrens' home. They picked up Tamil while they were there. My girls told me that most of the children and "Ammas" at the childrens' home spoke Tamil, even though they lived in a Kannada speaking state. This proved true. I showed a video of the children at this orphanage to friends last week. The husband is Tamil speaking, and he told us what the children were saying as they played together on the playground. While waiting for the adoption to finish in India, I was given updates on my daughters' progress in school. I was told they read and spoke simple English. So before traveling to pick up my daughters, I spent time trying to learn Telegu from a friend. When I arrived at the childrens' home, I was armed with Telegu phrases written on note cards. After using several of the cards, my oldest daughter said, "Why are you speaking Telegu? We speak English." And they did! From my experience, I would suggest that you find out what states your agency has contacts in. This to a large degree will dictate the languages represented at the home. But, this is not absolute. Telegu speakers live in Tamil, and Malayalem speakers live in Orissa. The second thing I would suggest you find out from your agency is how much English is taught at the home, if any. I was fortunate that my daughters were nearly fluent when they came home at 8 and 9. They were mainstreamed in a private school, and with very little help from me managed to earn a grade average of 96% their first quarter. I was astounded. Now they average 99%. One final note; despite my desire for my daughters to retain their languages, they lost them. I tried my best to have them regularly exposed to people who spoke Tamil, Telegu, and Kannada. Even so, they became English dominant within months. I think it is physiological, though I am no expert. I have talked to young adults who learned Hindi when they were young in school in India and subsequently moved to the U.S. Their home languages were not Hindi, and they lost it. Later, as they were exposed to Hindi again, they quickly regained it, but only to the proficiency level they had learned. I hope this long discourse helps you know what you could anticipate with language issues adopting an older child.

Kathy in SW Washington

[mfrench]

When we first started the process, we wanted a younger child due to what we perceived would be language issues. We ended up adopting the most beautiful 4 1/2 year old little girl from Delhi. We arrived home in mid June, and she already understands everything we say. She is now beginning to speak in English and has started preschool with no problems whatsoever. We do have a 4 1/2 year old son who is extremely well spoken, and she picks up everything he says.

To anyone considering adopting a child, don't worry about language barriers. Children of any age are sponges, and these children want homes with mommies and daddies so desparately that the language barrier is really a non-issue to them. What they want most is someone to put their arms around them each and every day, to love them and protect them and comfort them, and all those things that mommies and daddies do.

For what it is worth, I think older children actually adjust better. They understand what is happening to them. Ally didn't cry once on our 38 hour trip home. She has had no emotional episodes, or anything remotely suggesting adjustment issues. She is home, where she has always belonged, and she knows it. We are mommy and pappa and she has never looked back.

In short, I wouldn't worry in the least about what language the child speaks. The only language that's important is love, and that seems to be universal.

Good luck on your journey, it is more rewarding than you can imagine.

Melanie

[ll_bay]

mfrench, how long has your daughter been home? I ask because sometimes the adjustment issues don't show up till later, sometimes much later (I'm talking months or even over a year). I'm not trying to scare you or anything, but just put a balance on your perspective that older children adapt better. I adopted bio sisters at ages 3 and 6. At first it was easier with the older one, because as you said, she understood better what was happening, but a year and a half later, it is the younger one who is the best adjusted so far while the older one has some seriously rough moments (they are getting fewer and further between though).
As for language, it wasn't a problem for us either. In fact people now tend to think they were adopted much younger. But I know other families where the child did struggle, even with all factors apparently being equal (age and gender of child, same orphanage, length of time in orphanage, etc). There are just no guarantees in international adoption. Thankfully, for us that's part of the excitement and the pleasure of the journey. And of course there are no guarantees with other ways of having children either...

[mfrench]

We arrived in Delhi on June 13th, 2004 met her that day and picked her up from SOS Children's Villages on June 14 and she's been with us ever since. Several people at the US Embassy when we were getting her visa asked how long she had been with us and they couldn't believe it was just one day. Maybe it's her personality rather than her age that has enabled her to intergrate into our family so seamlessly. Even our social worker, who met with us to prepare the three month study, was amazed.

I know we may face some issues down the road, but she has always eaten well for us, responded to us, slept through the night from the very first (though we do have her bed in our bedroom for now). She fights with her brother like they have always been together, and the list goes on and on.

However, the main point I wanted to make was that I really don't think the language has much, if anything, to do with how quickly a child adapts. At SOS, they begin working with the children on their English skills even before they start school. Ally could count to 30, sing her ABC's and sing several songs in English. You should hear her sing Old McDonald, it's the cutest thing I've ever heard. Children are amazing creatures, they absorb everything they hear. I never imagined Ally would communicate with us this well after just 2 1/2 months.

One thing I might add, both kids started preschool earlier this week. This preschool had a little boy start last year that only knew Spanish. Ironically, he's been here almost a year longer than Ally and his English skills are about equivalent to hers. The only difference is that his parents speak Spanish at home and the only English he hears is from school. I am convinced that immersing a child in English, both at home and at school is by far the fastest way to bring them to proficiency in English.

Anyway, for what it's worth, I would totally disregard langage as a variable when deciding to adopt a child.

Melanie

[ashana]

Melanie,

I appreciate your advice and reassurance. I still would like to share my language and culture with my child. Both Hindi and Gujarati are regularly spoken in my home; My home is filled with Hindi books, videos, and music. Language is part of the reason I'm interested in adopting from India, as opposed to anywhere else. I may not have the option of choose a linguistically-compatible child, but I would certainly like to.

You can probably help me. Since you adopted a child from Delhi, perhaps you can tell me what agency you went through and if they regularly work with SOS Children's Village--being aware of which agencies have regular contacts in North India would probably help.

Congratulations, by the way!

Ashana

[ll_bay]

The only US agency I know of that works with SOS is Children's Hope International/Cascade. PM me if you want to know more, as that's where we adopted our daughters from. SOS in Delhi is a FANTASTIC orphanage, as orphanages go. But it depends on which one they're in how much English they learn. I visited two, and one did far more than the other. My kids had only barely had their ABCs whereas the kids in the other were doing the stuff Melanie mentioned. But it really isn't the biggest issue and it was the one I was probably least worried about.

Ashana, I think it is marvelous that you can and want to share your language(s) and culture with your child. I wish so much that I'd learned more Hindi before traveling (I could say only basic words and phrases). While it didn't matter much in the long run it sure would've helped for those first few months. We will be taking Hindi lessons together though, so that will at least give both us and them a chance to connect with their birth culture.

Melanie, I really wasn't trying to upset, offend, or scare you so I hope you didn't take my post that way. For what it's worth, my daughters both are attaching well and give a similar impression of having been with us since forever. My eldest, the one with the bigger, longer-term issues, started school with no problem less than a month after she came to the USA and has done just great there. She does sports and dance and most of the time is fun to be with. And just yesterday someone I've known only a short while commented that she'd just assumed we'd adopted both of them as infants, we seemed so "together." And yet we're going through our biggest turmoil at certain moments; it's just that she feels safe enough with us to do all her acting out at home. And believe me, what a shock that acting out was when it started! Anyway, before I digress too far, I think my point was actually the same as yours in a sense, that language isn't the biggest issue in adjustment.

Best of luck to you, Ashana!