My husband and I have four grown children between us (previous marriages) and we are in the process of adopting from Kaz. We had thought our children would be happy for us - they are all grown, with their own lives, and we see them once or twice a month at best. They have been less than thrilled. Has anyone else had this experience, and if so, how have you handled it?Thanks.

[ashlind]

Wow, you're the first person I've seen write about having adult children and wanting to adopt. I, too, have older children (previous marriage). My daughter is 22 and my son will graduate from high school in 2 and a half months. My son couldn't care less that we're adopting (he's just ready to leave the house), but my daughter is ecstatic. We're looking to adopt a toddler girl from Guatemala and she's begging us to adopt a baby. Do you sometimes think of yourself as being "too old" to adopt at times?

I feel that you really need to do what you feel is best for your husband and yourself. Your children are on their own now and you have your own lives to live.

[hjdeth]

My bio daughter was 17yo the FIRST time I adopted. Having never had to share her Mom, her first response was "No, I don't want siblings".

I gave her a hug, kissed her cheek, and told her..."I love you very much and I understand how you feel. Mom, isn't asking for your permission. No more than I would ask if I were pregnant. I am telling you that you are getting a sibling and hope that you will accept that and love the new children. I can't force you to be their sister, but I know that you will make that choice. What I do need you to understand is that I have loved raising you, even during the difficult times. I don't feel that I am done cherishing children and that we, as a family, have more than enough love to bring more children within the loving circle of our arms and hearts. Do you understand? I am not replacing you, I am expanding on what I have learned from you...how to be a good and loving Mom. Isn't that something you would like to share with a child who has never had anyone?"

The first 6 months were quite a challenge for her. Now, 3 1/2 years and 4 siblings later, she is the one asking when I will be adding more children! And this just a couple days after the birth of her first child.

Give your adult children time to adjust to the idea and then the reality of a new sibling. It is especially difficult on grown children who already have children. While they are not still your babies, there is a little feeling...way in the back of their minds...that somehow this new child will "take away" something from their children. Then they feel guilty about these normal and perfectly natural feelings.

Speak honestly and openly with them about what is happening. Make it very clear that you are not asking for their permission or advice, but you do want their support...just as they have made decisions as adults that you would be expected to be supportive about. Ask if they have any questions and find answers. None of you are mind-readers, so talk openly even about concerns and feelings that are difficult to talk about. Adult children find it very difficult to voice concerns that make them feel guilty or selfish, but it needs to be discussed anyway.

Originally Posted by ashlind

Wow, you're the first person I've seen write about having adult children and wanting to adopt. I, too, have older children (previous marriage). My daughter is 22 and my son will graduate from high school in 2 and a half months. My son couldn't care less that we're adopting (he's just ready to leave the house), but my daughter is ecstatic. We're looking to adopt a toddler girl from Guatemala and she's begging us to adopt a baby. Do you sometimes think of yourself as being "too old" to adopt at times?

I feel that you really need to do what you feel is best for your husband and yourself. Your children are on their own now and you have your own lives to live.

Thanks for your response! Sometimes I feel like the only "older mom" out there too.

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I hope our children will learn to love their new sister. As you said, we wouldn't have asked permission to get pregnant! We are looking forward to having a little one around again, and have more to give as parents. We have some friends who have adopted three little girls, and he is 67 - said nothing keeps him younger than hearing his daughters call him Daddy!