[Con_fused]

I'm very confused and looking for some help not judgement.

I am a mother to 4 kids under 5, i am married but my second child is not my husbands. my second sons father was very abusive and much more i have sole custody of him and his fathers rights were terminated when my son was 18months but i have never been able to bond with him in the same way as i have my other children. Now he is almost 4 and i feel the way i care for him is like a job i give him the basics feed clothe bathe etc but it's different. Part of the issue is he looks just like his father and i known that isn't his fault but it's not fair for him to continue living like this.
other then my husband there is no other fmaily support and so i thought i can ask for help on here
i do love him but it isjust different and it's very hard to explain unless you were in this position

[legal]

Can you please get counseling? I feel bad for him to see him abandoned to adoption at his age because of your feelings, he may never recover IMO.I know you love him, just need some counseling. ((((hugs))))

[crick]

Have you sought out any counseling for yourself? While I sympathize with you and your lack of bond with your child, I don't believe adoption is the answer for him. You say no child deserves to continue living "like this" and I'd agree with you on that. A child needs more than the basic care and if that is all you are doing for him, then no...it's not fair. However, I don't know that adoption is the answer to this issue.

There's a saying especially in older child adoption that a lot of us parents repeat when first meeting and developing a relationship with our kids. It's "Fake it til you Make it". Meaning some might not feel that love and bonding in the beginning but you continue to do activities with the child and have the bonding and love grow through that.

I think if you want to do the best for your child, you will consider getting into therapy so that you can resolve some of your feelings towards his father and your relationship with him. I'm sure it's not an easy position to be in and I hope you are able to find some help.

[RavenSong]

Dear Con_fused,

I am so sorry to hear that things are so rough right now for you. Having four children all under the age of 5 must be pretty stressful. It doesn't exactly give you much time to relax and just cool out, I bet.

Have you ever had any counseling? A good therapist or counselor can help us sort things out when our lives get confusing or out of control. I've been in therapy a few times in my lifetime, and it's always helped me deal with things better.

If you go to church, you might want to talk to your pastor or priest about how you're feeling. Most of them offer pastoral counseling.

If money is a problem, you can always get free or sliding-scale therapy at your local county mental health center. In many counties, they're called "community mental health centers". Most of these centers offer crisis counseling, which might help you get a clearer picture of what's really going on with you.

How does your husband feel about your second son? Does he treat him the same way as he treats the other children? Or does he treat him differently, too?

[portlowski]

I agree that good couseling could help you enormously. I am an adoptive mom. I had some trouble bonding with my child at the beginning. I loved him but I felt like I was going through the motions. What finally helped me was fully accepting that no matter what the circumstances of how he came to be mine...he needed ME.

I know one line in a post isn't going to help solve your problem, but I want you to know that you are now alone, and many parents both biological and adoptive have struggled with these issues at one time or another.

For me, once the bond was made, it became unbreakable. But it took time.

[JustPeachy]

I also would highly recommend counseling, and you may wish to consider both individual counseling and family counseling with your husband.

How does your husband treat this child? And how do the other siblings interact with him?

Is there a particular activity you like to do that your 4 year old also likes, and that maybe you could bond with him over? I realize it must be tough with 4 kids under age 5, but can you set aside a little part of each day to try and give him some individual attention? Even if it's just a little bit of time, I think you need to interact more with this child and see if a bond can develop from the increased interaction with him. There must be something you like about him, some quality you find endearing or some trait that doesn't remind you of his father that you can try to connect with. If nothing else, is there another adult (maybe your husband or a friend) who could give this child some extra-special attention while you try to sort this out?

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be terribly hard to feel you are not bonding with one of your children.

[BethanyB]

I agree with the others in that you should get counseling ASAP. I feel so bad for that little guy. Adoption should be the last resort. I think it's hard enough on kids when their parents have drug issues or are abusive or even just that they don't have the money or living resources to care for them. But to place just one of your children because you don't feel like you love him will be SO hard on him.

I hope you get help soon so that your little boy can feel loved and wanted.

[countrygirl87]

I would also have to agree on the others. Counceling would be a great thing. Try talking to Social Serves' in your county. I know in my county respite foster care, here is a link that descripes what respite foster care is about.

What is Respite Foster Care? « Foster Care Victoria

please let us know that outcome of this all