[BMTexas]

Hello,

I placed my baby daughter for adoption 20 yrs. ago. It is an open adoption. I always knew where she was and who the parents were. I had their phone number and address and I wrote and called over the years.

She will turn 21 in June. I'm so glad I chose adoption instead of abortion. Now she is 20 and I'm about to make contact. I called her parents 2 years ago when she was 18. It didn't go so well. I had a bad attitude . It didn't work. I waited two yrs. and called them again just a few days ago. I had a big long talk w/her mom. Her mom said she would let me talk to her but she wasn't there. We agreed that I could write her a letter so that is what I'm going to do .

I've already written her a letter. I think this is the best way to "break the ice" and open the door for communica-tion. I'm not much of a conversationalist on the phone. I can't think of much to say. But in writing I think I can do much better.

BMTEXAS
bmother to one
mother to five

[sheababy]

A letter sounds like a great way to go. You can get all your feelings out and she can have time to process. Good luck to you

[Rylee45]

I agree that a letter is a good way to go in the beginning. If you're anything like me, you have to read and re-read and revise important letters. I want to make sure they are exactly right (even though most of the time they are still not right). I love the delete button and the back button. lol

I hope you're able to construct a letter that will say what you want to say.

I'm a little confused though. You said it was an open adoption and that you've written and called over the years. I always thought an open adoption meant that you were also involved in your child's life through the years and not just communicating through the adoptive parents.

Maybe I'm not up on exactly what open adoption is. I hope the adoptive parents will actually give your daughter the letter you write and send. I just (due to my own experiences) don't trust any adoptive parent who would have hesitations about your talking to your child.

There shouldn't be any hesitation or anger on their part for your wanting to communicate with your daughter to a point you decided to wait another two years. I would be leary about them after that.

I hope all goes well for you.

Rylee

[rainmon]

I agree with Rylee, it does sound like the a-mom just put you off again. she did not say she will be home at 8:00, Please call her then.... or, I will have her call you back when she gets home....but requested you write a letter ??? your daughter is 21 years old now....why is the a-mom still trying to control the situation? and there is no guarantee that she will give the letter to her really ....is there? how will you know?
so how did the rest of the conversation go??
did it seem like she was happy you are connecting with your daughter again ? was she friendly?
open and helpful? or did she seem gaurded ? what made it fail the last time?
I hope all goes well with your reunion, please let us know how it goes.

[RavenSong]

I'm a little confused here. You say this was an open adoption, and you wrote letters and called on the telephone through the years. Did you talk to your daughter on those phone calls, or was it only the adoptive mom you talked with? Have you ever visited with your daughter before now?

I'm surprised that your daughter's mom didn't tell you to call back at a certain time, or have your daughter return the phone call. Writing a letter is fine, but do you think she'll really get it?

It's so difficult to reunite with young adults, especially if they're still living at home. It's important to stay on good terms with her mom, IMHO. Be respectful, and treat her the way you want to be treated. If your daughter is still indeed dependent upon her parents, and it sounds like she is since she's still living at home, I think you need to continue communicating with her parents. It'll take a while before they see that you're not a threat. Oftentimes reunion can make aparents feel like their world is about to be rocked upside down. You can make it easier on them by including them in your reunion. Just my two cents...

[BMTexas]

[quote=Rylee45]I agree that a letter is a good way to go in the beginning. If you're anything like me, you have to read and re-read and revise important letters. I want to make sure they are exactly right (even though most of the time they are still not right). I love the delete button and the back button. lol

Yea, I know what you mean. I love writing. I can talk up a storm when I write and that is how I want my first contact to go.

I hope you're able to construct a letter that will say what you want to say.
Yea, me too. I think I did o.k. it was about 5 pages long. I didn't say anything about the biological dad; though. If she wants to know I'll help her find him.

I'm a little confused though. You said it was an open adoption and that you've written and called over the years. I always thought an open adoption meant that you were also involved in your child's life through the years and not just communicating through the adoptive parents.

I was allowed to see my bd when she was a baby, but after she turned three the mother used more caution because
she "didn't know how B. would be able to handle it". I was a little dissapointed but I could still call and write letters. and she would return my calls and letters.

After she turned 18 I called the a mom and I was ugly too the mom
and had a bad attitude. My bdaughter was in college and B.'s mom would not give me the name of the school.
She told me it was best to wait until "this girl" was ready and let her be the one who contacts. So I waited 2 more yrs. I called back when she was 20 and this time
had a good attitude. The mom said if B. was there she would let me talk to her. She encouraged me to write her a letter. By now she should have the letter.

I call this open adoption because in a closed adoption there is no contact what so ever, you in most cases don't even know who the parents are. You can't call, you can't write, your not encouraged to contact the daughter/son after they are grown. I just don't know how some one could do that to themselves.

Rhonda


Maybe I'm not up on exactly what open adoption is. I hope the adoptive parents will actually give your daughter the letter you write and send. I just (due to my own experiences) don't trust any adoptive parent who would have hesitations about your talking to your child.

There shouldn't be any hesitation or anger on their part for your wanting to communicate with your daughter to a point you decided to wait another two years. I would be leary about them after that.

The phone call I gave them at first was not a good call.
Like I said before I had a bad attitude. I get on the phone and say right away, "what have you done to her?"
That immediately put her on the defensive and she said,
We raised her , Rhonda, isn't that what you wanted us to do?" I told them also that I was going to find her with
this bad attitude behind it. It just wasn't right the way I talked to them. I was so ugly to them. I ended up hanging up on her.

When I called the second time I had a much better attitude. I and the mom talked for a long time (an hour and a half!) She was open this time to let me talk to B.,
she even suggested it. She even encouraged me to write her a letter. Now I don't know if B. will write me back but at least I got to talk to her. I think eventualy we will be talking together-when she is ready.



I hope all goes well for you.
Thank you, Rylee, I think it will, I just need to have a possitive attitude and keep trying to communicate. Her bday is in June, I'm going to send her a nice bday card with another letter (a small one).

Rhonda

[BMTexas]

[quote=Rylee45]I agree that a letter is a good way to go in the beginning. If you're anything like me, you have to read and re-read and revise important letters. I want to make sure they are exactly right (even though most of the time they are still not right). I love the delete button and the back button. lol

Yea, I know what you mean. I love writing. I can talk up a storm when I write and that is how I want my first contact to go.

I hope you're able to construct a letter that will say what you want to say.
Yea, me too. I think I did o.k. it was about 5 pages long. I didn't say anything about the biological dad; though. If she wants to know I'll help her find him.

I'm a little confused though. You said it was an open adoption and that you've written and called over the years. I always thought an open adoption meant that you were also involved in your child's life through the years and not just communicating through the adoptive parents.

I was allowed to see my bd when she was a baby, but after she turned three the mother used more caution because
she "didn't know how B. would be able to handle it". I was a little dissapointed but I could still call and write letters. and she would return my calls and letters.

After she turned 18 I called the a mom and I was ugly too the mom
and had a bad attitude. My bdaughter was in college and B.'s mom would not give me the name of the school.
She told me it was best to wait until "this girl" was ready and let her be the one who contacts. So I waited 2 more yrs. I called back when she was 20 and this time
had a good attitude. The mom said if B. was there she would let me talk to her. She encouraged me to write her a letter. By now she should have the letter.

I call this open adoption because in a closed adoption there is no contact what so ever, you in most cases don't even know who the parents are. You can't call, you can't write, your not encouraged to contact the daughter/son after they are grown. I just don't know how some one could do that to themselves.

Rhonda


Maybe I'm not up on exactly what open adoption is. I hope the adoptive parents will actually give your daughter the letter you write and send. I just (due to my own experiences) don't trust any adoptive parent who would have hesitations about your talking to your child.

There shouldn't be any hesitation or anger on their part for your wanting to communicate with your daughter to a point you decided to wait another two years. I would be leary about them after that.

The phone call I gave them at first was not a good call.
Like I said before I had a bad attitude. I get on the phone and say right away, "what have you done to her?"
That immediately put her on the defensive and she said,
We raised her , Rhonda, isn't that what you wanted us to do?" I told them also that I was going to find her with
this bad attitude behind it. It just wasn't right the way I talked to them. I was so ugly to them. I ended up hanging up on her.

When I called the second time I had a much better attitude. I and the mom talked for a long time (an hour and a half!) She was open this time to let me talk to B.,
she even suggested it. She even encouraged me to write her a letter. Now I don't know if B. will write me back but at least I got to talk to her. I think eventualy we will be talking together-when she is ready.



I hope all goes well for you.
Thank you, Rylee, I think it will, I just need to have a possitive attitude and keep trying to communicate. Her bday is in June, I'm going to send her a nice bday card with another letter (a small one).

Rhonda

[BMTexas]

Originally Posted by rainmon

I agree with Rylee, it does sound like the a-mom just put you off again. she did not say she will be home at 8:00, Please call her then.... or, I will have her call you back when she gets home....but requested you write a letter ???

I didn't ask if I could talk to my bdaughter, she suggested it but said she was not there. I asked HER if
a letter would be too out of line and she said not at all.
The letter was MY suggestion, not hers.

your daughter is 21 years old now....why is the a-mom still trying to control the situation? and there is no guarantee that she will give the letter to her really ....is there? how will you know?

I think that W. is a little more trustworthy than that. If not, then I would not have chose her to be B.'s mom. I guess I would never KNOW for sure just exactly what happens over there,but I think
I had a good judgement on her character, otherwise she would not have raised my daughter.

so how did the rest of the conversation go??
did it seem like she was happy you are connecting with your daughter again ? was she friendly?
open and helpful? or did she seem gaurded ? what made it fail the last time?
W. was very nice in fact she called me back. I called her and left a message w/her daughter (could have been B. but I didn't ask). Yes, everything went well, we just talked and talked and she acted very possitive about us reuniting. I'm the one who made the conversation fail the last time. I was rude and had a negative attitude.

I hope all goes well with your reunion, please let us know how it goes.

Thank you and I'll keep ya'll updated.

Rhonda

[BMTexas]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

I'm a little confused here. You say this was an open adoption, and you wrote letters and called on the telephone through the years

Did you talk to your daughter on those phone calls, or was it only the adoptive mom you talked with? Have you ever visited with your daughter before now?

You have to get a good idea what adoption is all about.
You have to back off and let them be the parents. If I was always trying to talk to B. it wouldn't have worked as well as it did. When your in any adoption you have to understand that THEY are the parents and we have to back off and let them make the rules and decide exactly what kind of contact they will allow.

I'm surprised that your daughter's mom didn't tell you to call back at a certain time, or have your daughter return the phone call. Writing a letter is fine, but do you think she'll really get it?

I don't think there would have been a problem with her letting me call her back. I decided instead that I would write a letter. That way I can think of things to say more easily. Sure, I think she'll get the letter.

It's so difficult to reunite with young adults, especially if they're still living at home. It's important to stay on good terms with her mom, IMHO. Be respectful, and treat her the way you want to be treated.

exactly


If your daughter is still indeed dependent upon her parents, and it sounds like she is since she's still living at home, I think you need to continue communicating with her parents. It'll take a while before they see that you're not a threat. Oftentimes reunion can make aparents feel like their world is about to be rocked upside down. You can make it easier on them by including them in your reunion. Just my two cents...

Thank you

Rhonda

[deniserod79]

Hi, Rhonda
I had a open adoption 15 years ago next week. I totally know what you are going through. I found my son and his mom on facebook and wrote her to see how my son is doing she wrote back, but she did make it loud and clear that she was not going to give him any information until he graduate High school. Thats okay with me because I will meet him one day. They have to remember that being a birth mother is the hardest JOB to be.

[Teenmom2007]

OH WOW! I placed my baby girl for adption in April 2007 (I had her on easter) to the foster parents I was living with. So I have come to grow and be apart of their family before I decided to place with them. So my adoption is far more open than alot of other girls' I know. I see my daughter all the time, infact she just turned 2.
I'm glad I chose to have her than an abortion, I don't regret this experience for the world! Someone I knew before I went into foster care asked "Why not get an abortion, you will be able to go to college, get hooked up with a guy and party"
I laughed. I knew if I was "grown up" enough at the age of 16 to have sex and get pregnant then I was grown up enough to make better choices and be responcible for my actions. I placed when i was 17.
Today, I am married (I met my husband a few months after I placed) and I have a 9 month old son. We live only an hour from the adoptive couple and go to family parties. I currently am enrolled and start college soon, I met the guy of my dreams, and I don't care for partying unless its with the adoptive family, so I guess I can do everything still as if I didn't have my daughter.
I kept a journal and wrote my thoughts, prayers, personal opinions on things to my daughter while I was pregnant, and sometime after. I'm not sure if I want to give it to her when she's old enough.
She just turned 2 so in a few years she will be able to undersand I'm a birthmom but not her mom (if that makes sense? I'm sure you know what I'm saying)
I think its great to have this connection with the adoptive couple, they say they got two kids out of one situation
I thought about how will I explain that I had gotten married a year later and had another baby and why I didn't keep her, but I'm not worried about it now becase my relationship with the adoptive couple, and my daughter are as strong as ever. She will be shocked when she's older I'm sure, but hopefully she has a good enough life that she will appreciate it and be understanding of why I placed her.

Deniserod79 is right, being a birth mother is the hardest job doesn't matter if you place or keep, the emotional roller coaster ride is there and we're on it
I'm glad to have found this site and to be able to talk to women (and men) who have gone through it.

I call the birth father sometimes and tell him how Christian is, and my husband understands. I also attend a birth mom support group at LDS Family Services on Thursdays which helps even after 2 years of placement