[Proud_Mommy612]

I guess I was wondering if there are any other birth mothers on here that placed a child, already having other children at home.

I just had my daughter on the 21st, so this is still a very fresh pain. I guess I'm just feeling bad because I have two children at home who I am a wonderful mother to. I was 17 went I had my first daughter, and I chose to parent her even though most of the people in my family weren't supportive of that decision.

I work a decent job, live on my own, take care of two children, am married, have one semester of school left. I am great mother, my children are all very advanced for there ages (My 3 year old is starting to learn to read).

I decided to place my daughter Suki because she is not my husbands child. He was upset, and Suki's birth father has been practically non-existent to me since I was 12 weeks. My family was also very upset and non-supportive of me parenting her because my youngest daughter is only 18 months.

My daughter is going to be adopted by my Aunt and my Uncle, and the only reason for me continuing with the adoption and planning on signing my consent tomorrow is the fact that they have had so much money and time invested in her. Adoption is very expensive for adoptive parents, and I feel that if I changed my mind they would hate me forever, all of my family would hate me.

Is it wrong for me to sign the consent feeling like this? My husband now accepts Suki, and told me that if I chose to parent her he would love her like he loves our children. He's been talking about her like she's his daughter for the past month or so. It's just hard because I feel like I'm just going through with this so I don't hurt my Aunt and my Uncle, and so my family won't hate me....

I guess I need some advice... I've been stressed and crying. My oldest daughter is so confused, she doesn't understand why the baby didn't come home. Everytime I try to talk to her about the baby she cries, in the hospital when I told her Suki wasn't coming home she cried and cried. This is so stressful for me...I'm just not sure what to do

[maggie_va]

My advice to you is not to sign. From your post, I can tell that you want to parent your baby and so does your husband.

[Proud_Mommy612]

It's hard for me, I just don't want my family to hate me and disown me.... My Aunt has been at the hotel with the baby since Friday, and she is so happy and so excited, how can I take that away from her? I just don't want to hurt anyone else in my decision to parent.

I talk to my Aunt on the phone a lot, and I know that her and my uncle are great people and exceptional parents. I actually come to them for advice with my girls (especially my oldest because she is very rambunctious). I think tonight I am going to take time and think... by myself. It's hard because I kept Amani when I was 17, when everyone told me that I couldn't do it, I couldn't be a good parent, that my life would be ruined, and I've proved to everyone the exact opposite. I showed them that throughout my pregnancy with her. I just worry about the financial part of adding a third child into our home. We don't struggle right now, we get by... would keeping the baby be too much financially? Would my other girls have to go without because I chose to keep her?

I don't know, I'm just having a hard time...it's confusing...

[JustPeachy]

the only reason for me continuing with the adoption and planning on signing my consent tomorrow is the fact that they have had so much money and time invested in her. Adoption is very expensive for adoptive parents, and I feel that if I changed my mind they would hate me forever, all of my family would hate me.

If the only reason you are continuing with the adoption is because you don't want to hurt the potential aparents, you are, in my opinion, doing this for the wrong reasons. At the very least, I would postpone signing those papers. You say your whole family would hate you, but your husband would support you. You have him and your children. If the whole rest of the family goes against you, that would be a shame, but if you relinquish this child when you really don't want to, you will be facing a greater dilemma. Sure, your aunt/uncle will be disappointed and hurt, but how would they feel if they knew you really didn't want to go through with this, that you really wanted to raise your child? As for other family members, they may be upset about it, but I think in time they will deal with it, and if they cannot be supportive, then I'd write them off (but that's just how I am). The potential adoptive parents should have been prepared for the fact that an expectant mother has the right to change her mind after her baby is born. Now this child is here and YOU are the child's mother unless and until you sign away your rights. So as much as they are wanting your baby, you are not under any obligation to place her for adoption if you really don't want to. Please do not make any hasty decisions, and if you need more time, take as much time as you need.

[Proud_Mommy612]

Thank you for your advice. I think tomorrow I am going to let the lawyer know I am not ready to sign the consent. I know that when I sign it, and the ICPC goes through my Aunt is flying back home (wednesday is when they predicted the ICPC will go through). I only have 10 business days after that to change my mind, and then she will have to fly the baby back. I'm not sure if I'm ready or willing to do this yet.

I've been browsing through the forum here, and I've seen a lot of things that make me wonder about my emotional health if I continue with this with out 100% certainty, and I don't want to suffer the rest of my life wondering if.....or hurting over a decision that I made for the wrong reasons. Thank you...

[quantum]

You need to be true to yourself and your heart!
I know this is hard, but I also know that we have at least one mother here who wanted to raise her child but was forced to relinquish to family and that part of the family refuses to communicate with her. Her son is over 18 and it's just a horrible situation.

I am not saying that would be true in your family! I'm just saying you just never know. Perhaps if you kept your child they might be upset at first, but happy in the long run.

Hang in there, I'm so glad you aren't rushing into things.

[paigeturner]

Proud Mommy,

So many of us chose to relinquish our children because we wanted so badly to be back in our family's good graces. That is the WRONG reason, IMO to place a child. Your family is your husband and your children. The rest, well, they're ancillary.

If you can offer this child a safe, loving and nurturing home, then I would think long and hard before signing away your rights to your child and your daugher's rights to you!

Yes, your Aunt and Uncle will be hurt; but talk to them! Perhaps they can always have a special place in your daughter's life. I wouldn't let it drag out too long.

Whatever you decide, I wish you peace.

[maggie_va]

Originally Posted by Proud_Mommy612

It's hard for me, I just don't want my family to hate me and disown me.... My Aunt has been at the hotel with the baby since Friday, and she is so happy and so excited, how can I take that away from her? I just don't want to hurt anyone else in my decision to parent.

I talk to my Aunt on the phone a lot, and I know that her and my uncle are great people and exceptional parents. I actually come to them for advice with my girls (especially my oldest because she is very rambunctious). I think tonight I am going to take time and think... by myself. It's hard because I kept Amani when I was 17, when everyone told me that I couldn't do it, I couldn't be a good parent, that my life would be ruined, and I've proved to everyone the exact opposite. I showed them that throughout my pregnancy with her. I just worry about the financial part of adding a third child into our home. We don't struggle right now, we get by... would keeping the baby be too much financially? Would my other girls have to go without because I chose to keep her?

I don't know, I'm just having a hard time...it's confusing...

IMHO, I think it's better to have your family disown and hate you (I am not saying this would happen though) then to live with a lifetime of regret of placing your daughter.

Money and having nice things is great but they don't guarantee a happy child or a child who views their life as better.

I wish you the best with making your decision.

[SuddenlySusan]

If I understand, the reason you were going to place your daughter was because your husband did not accept her. Now, he does accept her and supports you. But, placing your baby because you don't want your family to hate you...well, please reconsider.

This is just my opinion, but the way I see it is that your family unit consists of your children and your husband. Your parents and siblings are family, of course, but the family that you need to be concerned about are the ones you live with.

If you placed your daughter, and she reunited with you as an adult, and asked you why you placed her...would you be able to say, "because I was afraid my relatives would hate me..."?

I know that not proceeding with the adoption will upset certain family members, but it will not upset all of them. The ones most important to you...the ones who love you the most...your husband and children...your family...which includes your newborn daughter.

Please, do not put your aunt's happiness in front of your daughter's...it's just not a good reason to place your baby. It sounds like your husband is supportive of you...together you will be able to work your way through the disappointment from some of your relatives.

Please reconsider...

Peace,
Susan

[portlowski]

Hi,

I am an adoptive mom. I wanted a baby more than anything in the world and invested my heart and all of our savings in adoption. And I love my son more than words could ever describe.

Please DO NOT sign those consent forms if your heart says no.

Your aunt and uncle will likely be hurt and your whole family might be mad at you. But I truly believe in the long run they would live to regret it if they forced you into this adoption. In my case, I wasn't able to bond with my adopted son until his birthmother was able to assure me that she believed in her heart that she made the right decision.

I would follow the advice of the others on this board. You might have to shut your entire family out for a while. Take your baby home. See how things go. You can always make the decision later but you can never take it back once you have done it.

[FullQuiverMamma]

go get your baby

It is hard, but not as hard as a lifetime without her. Take a nice bath, relax and do the right thing with all your heart.

[Proud_Mommy612]

Do any of you know if I will have to pay my Aunt and my Uncle back for their costs?

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by Proud_Mommy612

Do any of you know if I will have to pay my Aunt and my Uncle back for their costs?

Do you have a signed agreement stating such? While you may not be legally obligated to pay for the expenses that your aunt and uncle have incurred, if you are able to contribute in some manner it might help the situation. But, please...do not let this be a factor in deciding whether to keep or place your baby.

Peace,
Susan

[bromanchik]

I agree with the others. PLEASE go get your child. You are still the mom.

As far as money is concerned... did they pay anything directly to you? IN OK you would have to pay that back. BTW, any money they paid to lawyers, etc, are tax deductable.

[RavenSong]

I agree with everybody else -- go get your baby. Your aunt and uncle will probably be eligible for the adoption tax credit, which covers failed matches/adoptions. I don't think they can receive the credit for any expenses that you reimburse them for, though.

Good luck, and please let us know how things turn out.