[Birthmom12_10_2008]

I just gave my son up Dec. 10, 2008. Even knowing he is way better off, it still hurts. And still makes me want him back. I'm so thankful for the time I got to spend with him in the hospital and that I have great parents picked out who are not going to shut me completely out of his life. I'll get yearly updates and photos, and I've actually just thought about changing to 6 month updates and photos. I thought I'd be ok with yearly, but I also thought that the parents, who were friends of mine would continue to be my friend on facebook and that I'd be able to see pictures of him whenever I wanted. But they informed me the other night that we should not communicate outside of the yearly update and photo. That was hard to hear, and upset me a lot, but maybe it is better that way. Anyways...

People have kept telling me that with time it doesn't hurt as bad, but it's been the other way around. This past month has been so hard and things have gotten so bad for me. I hardly eat, I'm never hungry & I'm not sleeping well, and starting last night my sorrow entered my dreams. It was so real, the emotions I felt in my dream were those that I feel when I'm awake.

I'm going to therapy, I'm taking anti-depressants and praying and relying on friends to help me get through this. Thank you for listening. I'm so glad I found an outlet.

[BlackSheep]

Birthmom12_10_2008

First of all, welcome to this forum. I am also glad that you have found an outlet and there are so many here that have so much wisdom to offer.

I am sorry that you are feeling so sad right now, but I can relate to that. I was there, only 26 years ago now. I am glad to hear that you are in therapy and have the support of prayer to help you through this time in your life.

Please know that we are here for you.

[-Hillary]

I completely understand what you are feeling... My son was born on December 29th... (I had an open adoption as well) and I am going through the same things... I hardly sleep, I can't eat... I keep staring at the pictures of him from the hospital...
But, Like you, I chose wonderful parents for him, and it gives me comfort to know that he is loved and cared for... and they are doing a much better job than I could have, I'm sure of it.

I'm glad you have friends helping you through this (mine don't like to talk about it much, I think they feel awkward about the situation) and that you're going to therapy. I'm still meeting with my counselor/social worker...

I would also maybe try journaling.? if you're into that kind of thing, it's really helped me.

I'll be praying for you... and know that you aren't alone in what you're feeling.

[laurenm2587]

i put my son up for adoption in june 2007. i as well have an open adoption. you may not believe me right now but i promise it does get easier. it took me a few months but i just reminded myself of why i put him up for adoption and that i knew he was with a wonderful family. i promise girl things WILL get easier. what helped me the most was the first time i recieved pictures and seeing how happy and loved he was. please let me know if there is anything i can do to help. i know your going through a rough time right now and would love to talk.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Mandi, Hi! I'm Janey. Welcome to the forum!

It's sometimes hard for me to reply to the new moms because I want to congratulate them on the birth of their babies but then, of course, the circumstances are so sorrow-filled that it seems mean to say. But I am glad that your son is well and that you came through the delivery well too.

Giving birth is so hard on the body and I think that in the midst of our grief as birthmothers we tend to push aside the physical aspects of labor and delivery. That in itself is tough and causes us to be emotionally stressed.

Then too the grief over the relinquishment of our children.

Such a powerful and sad experience.

I think it's great that you're in therapy and that you have people to lean on.

As Blacksheep said, there are lots of good folk in here who will listen and care. Please continue to post so that we can share our experiences with you and help you through all this.

Wishing you peace today,

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

I'm am overwhelmed by the response and love that you ladies have showed me this far, and I am grateful to hear that things will get better.

I am journaling, I am actually keeping the journal to my son, writing to him, so that when he is ready to meet me he'll have something that he can read and see how much I loved him and what exactly I went through. It helps a lot to write to someone, instead of just writing down stuff.

[JustPeachy]

Dear Birthmom12_10_2008, you just gave birth a few weeks ago, so please know that it will take a bit more time for you to not hurt as badly as you are now. For me, the first year was really the hardest, with hormones all readjusting and on top of that dealing with the real grief of being away from my son. Like you, I felt it was best to place my son, and I also had pictures and letters, usually once a year (sometimes every other--In my day, we didn't have any sort of agreement, and I didn't even get to select my son's family, but I was fortunate in that my son's parents were amenable to sending me updates all throughout his life), and that helped a lot. It would be good if you could get updates every 6 months! And I am sorry you cannot access the facebook account. That must have been hard for you, and I wish you could still have that. Perhaps the aparents will reconsider at some point, especially since you know them as friends.

I think you are doing all the right things. Coming here for support, turning to friends, getting counseling, journaling, etc. Now is the time to take really good care of yourself and don't be afraid to cry or grieve because that is all part of the healing process.

And congratulations on your beautiful baby! Although there is much sadness and pain in relinquishing a child, I was so happy to carry my son and give birth to him and know he was alive and well and thriving. I also got to see him and feed him in the hospital. It's hard not to be acknowledged like any other new mom and I hope you, too, can feel some joy in giving birth to your son, even in the midst of sadness. Remember, even though you are not parenting your child, you are still a mom to him, and no one can take away the love and bond you will always feel in your heart for him as his first mom!

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

Thanks hun, it seems like most of the time all I do is cry. But today is an ok day, but I feel so guilty for that. I don't want to forget him, and I know I won't. I just feel like because I am having and ok day that I might forget him, or that I shouldn't feel ok because he's with someone else and not me. I'm not sure this makes sense, but I'm not sure how else to describe how I feel.

[JustPeachy]

I think if your son was older and you asked him, he would say without a doubt that he would not want you to not have good days.

I used to feel guilty over the years for bettering myself. For instance, when I would write update letters, I was almost afraid to say I had returned to school, got my undergrad as well as an advanced degree, traveled a bit, was having fun, exploring hobbies and interests, etc. I was worried that my son would think "oh, she just gave me up so she could do all these things" and truth be told, although my personal growth was not the reason for my choice to place him, I probably wouldn't have accomplished what I did if I was raising him as a single teenaged mom with very limited resources and support. After awhile, I thought, why should I feel guilty for living a good life, and would he really want me to sit around and be miserable?? I have never forgotten him, even though I did move on in my life, and it's probably better to think in terms of moving FORWARD and making progress, than moving on, since moving on implies forgetting, and that is definitely not the case.

You will have conflicting feelings from time to time, like you are having now, and it is good to bring these issues up in counseling.

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

thank you. i'm sure he would want to know that i moved forward with my life, but i would think at one point it could cause problems with him. like you said, he might think we did it just to better ourself, when my main reason was to give HIM a better life, I never once thought about what I would be able to do until after I had my mind made up.

the only problem with bringing those things up in therapy is that when I do she tells me that I have to stop thinking those things, but yet doesn't give me tools to help me stop. I can't just say to myself stop.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Birthmom12_10_2008

thank you. i'm sure he would want to know that i moved forward with my life, but i would think at one point it could cause problems with him. like you said, he might think we did it just to better ourself, when my main reason was to give HIM a better life, I never once thought about what I would be able to do until after I had my mind made up.

the only problem with bringing those things up in therapy is that when I do she tells me that I have to stop thinking those things, but yet doesn't give me tools to help me stop. I can't just say to myself stop.

Sweetie,

as an adoptee I would never have wanted my mother to be stuck in her grief as to not better herself. I would be proud of a bmom that did. I would feel guilty to think that she was so hurt because of me(my birth) she was unable to help herself.

I totally understand that my placement was in my best interst.

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

Originally Posted by dpen6

Sweetie,

as an adoptee I would never have wanted my mother to be stuck in her grief as to not better herself. I would be proud of a bmom that did. I would feel guilty to think that she was so hurt because of me(my birth) she was unable to help herself.

I totally understand that my placement was in my best interst.

Thank you - that does help, hearing from someone who has been adopted. Since I'm just a BMom I don't know what it is like to be adopted, and I'm not sure what all they go through. I too would probably feel guilty if my bmom didn't better herself either, I never really thought of it that way before. Thank You.

[JustPeachy]

the only problem with bringing those things up in therapy is that when I do she tells me that I have to stop thinking those things, but yet doesn't give me tools to help me stop. I can't just say to myself stop.

It is hard to just stop this kind of thinking, and I would definitely ask her point blank to give you some tools to accomplish this. If she has no answer or ideas, perhaps she is not the best therapist for you. What has worked for me when I have intrusive or negative thoughts that get in the way of me feeling better about myself is to try to catch myself when I am having these thoughts, and imagine a better alternative (for example, you were able to do this when Dpen presented her viewpoint as an adoptee), or just think "It's OK for me to feel good about myself" (or some other positive affirmation), or just say "NO, I'm NOT going there today!" and try to put my focus on something else. I know it sounds a little "cornball" but it has helped me.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Mandi,

I'm just a BMom

No; not "just" that. You are many things; being a birthmother is just one part of you.

I think for a time grief defines us; or perhaps it defines how we perceive ourselves.

But there is always more to us and in what you are doing surely you will find it.

Hugs to you!

[Birthmom12_10_2008]

Thank you for that. I know I am more than just a birthmother, but I was referring to the fact that I only know the birthmother side of adoption.

Let me just tell you ladies that the past two days have been very good. Sure today I didn't get out of bed until nearly 1pm, but I think I needed the sleep, but once I got out of bed and showered I had a pretty good day. Granted I was not hungry most of the day and only ate once, my mood was somewhat pleasant and I think I smiled quite a bit. I think I've hit a turning point in my grieving and I hope that I continue to go in this direction, although I'm sure there are going to be days where I hit rock bottom...It's just so great to feel like ME again.