[leakaye]

Only 16 and pregnant, what a devastating experience for all involved. My father threw me out immediately, and I was forced to live in group home in the city. I was treated with rudeness and disgust from the other girls because I was considering adoption. I was told I should just have an abortion because adoption was like throwing my baby in a garbage can. Luckily the care workers were so kind and my counsellor was the most amazing woman. They kept me strong. Being pregnant was so lovely. I would read to my baby, sing to him, tell him about the world around him. He was all I had.
I stayed for 6 months until when I was 7 months pregnant I was badly hurt by one of the girls in the home. In hospital I laid there considering my future. My baby was unharmed, but I was emotionally and physically torn, damaged and very weak. I knew I had to start looking for parents soon, or my unborn baby would be raised in this kind of environment, possibly in the future suffering like I had done at the hands of an angry adolescent. My family didn't come to see me, I was alone. What would I do with a baby in the city at 16?
My grandparents rescued me from the inner city home and took me to Michigan were I was loved and nurtured. They supported the adoption, but insisted they would not help if I kept the baby. So I searched for parents through several agencies, but found no one I would trust with my baby. I wanted an open adoption. I wanted my son to know who I was his whole life. I wanted the parents to be happy with that and understand that it will be better for him. He won't feel emptiness; he will feel complete, because I was always there for him.
I finally found the parents I was looking for. My aunt by marriage has a cousin who was looking to adopt from the Ukraine. She said she would consider having my baby if I couldn't find anyone.
Our first conversation lasted 2 hours. She is an ER nurse and her husband also in medicine. I loved that because my favourite subject in school was always science. She had two of her own children already, but wanted to give back as she had a forced abortion when she was a teen. I loved her from the beginning, and we shared a very close and personal relationship. I stayed at their house and babysat their kids. Possibly too close.
Both the adoptive parents were present during the 12 hour long labour and birth. I was happy them witnessing the birth of their own son. It was a special day. I must say though, they wanted circumcision, and I did not, but it was their baby so he was circumcised. Already problems were arising.
I stayed with my son for 3 days, I cried and laughed and cried some more. There were so many people there to see the baby. I just wanted to be alone with him.
On the last day I cried for 2 hours holding him in my arms. Explaining my tough decision and we would soon meet again. I loved him, my little pumpkin.
They drove away with him, I was empty.
For the next few years I turned to drugs and alcohol. I moved back in with my mom overseas and I suffered in silence only letting out my tears when I had too much to drink. I never went to counselling, my mom never offered to help. Boyfriends were scared of my emotions and so many guys dumped me. I hated the adoptive parents, I was so jealous. It made it harder because we kept in touch very often and she would tell me things about how he says he loves her. I found that so hard. I wrote her a nasty email when I was feeling very low and have regretted it ever since. We didn't speak for over a year, I thought I lost my son forever.
Then, while at University I met my fiancé, and he changed my life forever. He gave me hope and loved me unconditionally, stretch marks and all. He later gifted me with a baby girl who made me feel whole again. I suddenly felt I needed to contact the adoptive parents and apologise for my rude behaviour and explain the hurt and pain I felt in the past. I understood why they didn't speak to me, because as a mother now myself, I would have wanted to protect my son from a harmful person, just like she did.
I made the long flight over to the States for the first time in 3 years. Now 5 years old my son was so adorable, so smart, and so beautiful. I was a coward and cried a lot, hiding in rooms during their visit, and drank too much wine. When I approached him for the first time, he asked, "Who are you?", I swallowed and held back my tears, I said my name. He said, "oh" and wandered off to play with some toys. I was so hurt, what have I done, in an open adoption the children are meant to know who we are. I was so confused, and I began to hate the adoptive parents again for not showing him my picture. But it was my entire fault, I was ridden with guilt. So hurt and uncomfortable, I even forgot to give him his gift, I had to send it to him the next day. I was swept away with emotion. My fiancé held me close and understood. The visit was the longest 4 hours of my life.
I let the relationship get too close too soon. Now, with things so uncomfortable, it was so hard to deal with. Mixed emotions and confusing body language. I hated it. I am just hoping now for a future with my son. I hope one day I can explain my behaviour and he won't be angry with me for the foolish decisions I have made in the past.
I recently have been going to hypnotherapy sessions to control the anger and guilt from my past. My family abandoned me when I needed them most. It's taken some seriously deep sessions to clear my unconscious of the pain.
Days are better now, and my daughter is so beautiful. I am clean and sober....I owe it all to my fiancé. What a wonderful man. I finally found someone who loves me just the way I am.
I hope my son will in the future, I hope we have a chance to find each other again.