[suzie3309]

Hi

I am writing this as I know how hard it is to have someone understand or even understand ourselves the emotions that come with searching. I am now 29 and this is my story.

I have always known i was adopted and my adoptive parants are fantastic. i was one of four children (the third) and was adopted along with my younger sister. I have an older brother and sister who were sperated, my sister going to another family and my brother never being placed due to behavioural problems. i lost contact with my older sister when i was very young and my brother when i was around 12. I have always been curious about my past, after all just because i was adopted with a new name etc does not mean i didnt exist before that date. I remember missing my brother terribly. My mother has always been supportive of any questions but its not something that was ever really discussed.

I have been looking for answers since i was 16 but my mother always advised me to put it off till i was older. I was under the impression that my parants were young, alcohol was involved and thats why we were removed from their care (or lack there of). little was i to know how wrong i was.

eventually at 26 i decided the time was right. my family did not want any part in it so i did it alone, though keeping my mother informed. just before i was due to go in to discuss and recieve my records i asked one thing. if there is anything they knew to tell me. i dont like suprises but how bad could it be. i was assured there was nothing else. I didnt really feel anything that day just going through the motions.

the woman asked me what i knew i told her and she said this was going to be a shock. she began to tell me a horrifying story of physical abuse and neglect, drugs and alcohol, countless injuries and eventual removal. then onto foster care where she liked to give cold baths as punishment. i sat there unable to speak but remember crying. it felt like my whole world had suddenly been ripped from underneath me. I had no idea. My younger sister wanted nothing to do with it and i guess i fely betrayed at my parants not telling me the truth. it took a long time to realise she couldnt tell me as it was to painful even for her. we have never discussed it again.

the next few weeks were a daze as I tried locating my siblings. First came my older sister whose family had not worked out as well but we struck up a good relationship and hope to meet for the first time next year. (we live in different countries). i was at last thinking something good came out of it. then came news of my brother. he is institutionalised even at 33 with serious mental health problems. All the anger and the guilt that i had a life and he didnt came crashing down. For the first time i was angry and confused and all of those emotions i was not expecting. I am in contact with him and he is very sweet but frustrating. I am now responsible for him and could never walk away even when it sometimes feels overwhelming. I love all my siblings but feel most responsible for him. he is also the one who breaks my heart.

last week on the phone to him he mentioned one of his social workers many years ago telling him our biological fatther was dead. I had not known this and have no way of knowing how or why. Any chance for answers died with him.

As i write this, i relalise i have built up a wall. its like im reading about someone elses life. I have not grieved or can really begin to understand why. This journey has changed me in a way that gives me a sense of who i am and yet still confuses me. I know i should feel something but i am afraid to go any further. i am reminded of the thought i made my bed, i went looking for answers but no one said it was going to be a perfectly happy ending. my mother is still out there but i cant take any more blows. if i search i have to face up to the past and hurt the people im trying to build a relationship. i go from sypathy for her to hate and then eventually back to the WHY?

On a brighter note i have a good relationship with my new found siblings though it brings with it, its own sense of issues but on the whole my brother has a family now.

I struggle to accept that someone would want to hurt us or why. i dont understand why we were not protected by those that should have and i see a little girl i barely recognise as me, that i cant recognise as me. I found myself ashamed of my past not wanting if knowing how to talk about it. i know i have to deal with these feelings sooner or later but one thing is certain, i wish i had been more prepared. there is so much out there on how wonderful reunions can be, and i am sure thats true, but what happens when the truth is maybe something that should have stayed buried. How do you pick up the peices from that?

for anyone out there struggling with these issues. the telling your adoptive family (hard), the not knowing how when or why. I want to pass this message on.

you know when the right time is. And the risk i think should be taken else you could miss out on a wonderful blessing. however, be prepared to know that its not all roses and be prepared for the emotions that come with that. i thought i was prepared for anything i guess i was wrong i didnt get my happy ending and i have to live with that truth. A truth i didnt want.

i only take solace from the fact i believe it happened for a reason to unite parants without children, to children in desperate need of loving parants. for that im thankful every day.

I am interested to know if anyone else has had these issues, there is little others i can talk to without being called ungreatful.

thanks

[loveajax]

Suzie, I don't have any real advice, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going thru this. Do you have a counselor to talk to? Any adoptee support groups in your area?

Reunions are tough tough stuff, imo (my dh is dealing with this now), but I imagine even tougher in your situation. There are so many wonderful adoptees on this forum, and I know they can help and lend an ear too. Hugs!

[ripples]

Hi Suzy,
While I have a different situation from you regarding what I discovered when I finally found my b-siblings, I share with you the fact that what I found was full of disappointment, anguish and confusion. Mental health issues among my b-siblings, dead b-parents, not to mention all the guilt, grief and flood of confusing emotions that I encountered afterwards. I was so ill-prepared for confronting all that I did, even 'tho I'd seen documentary films about reunion.

Luckily, I recognised my emotional reactions as grief/bereavement and sought tons of professional help and support. Still, I was knocked flat for nearly three weeks where I couldn't even go to work (I'm normally a very energetic person).

All I want to say is that I'm sorry you're going through this and that I can relate to how much of a struggle it is. I hope that at least knowing that you're not alone will help offer some comfort as you find your feet.

[evansmum]

I had a similar situation in that my adoptive parents kept a lot of disturbing information from me until I was adament about searching. I totally feel for you and understand the shock, horror and sadness from learning this info...

I went from being given up by a loving mother who was young and wanted better for me, to a child who was removed by protective services for being severely neglected and diagnosed Failure to Thrive, then spending 6 months in foster care before being adopted by my parents. Ouch!

My biological mother doesn't talk to me, my biological father died before I met him (overdose or car accident, depends on which family member I ask), and I just found out about a month ago that I have a brother from my biological father, but haven't started looking for him yet.

[suzie3309]

Thanks.

No unfortunatly being in the most isolated city in the world (perth) there is little in the way of support here and i cant discuss this with my family.

I dont think they will ever understand or i could ever express how im feeling. half the time i dont know what to feel myself. i wish i had never taken this journey the truth i was looking for was not the truth i found and now i dont know anything. the truth my set you free but by god it hurts.

I appreciate the support i am so isolated here and half the time i think my heads going to explode somtimes i wish i could be normal and go through the "why me" stage.

im lucky to have great parants but i dont think i can trust them again and that hurts the most. im afraid to go looking for anymore answers as i dont think i could take it. Thank god for places like this where people dont think your totally crazy!

I was never supposed to be this hard.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by suzie3309

Thanks.

No unfortunately being in the most isolated city in the world (perth) there is little in the way of support here

Have you tried Adoption Jigsaw in Western Australia? Adoption Jigsaw I went to Jigsaw Queensland here in Brisbane, QLD, and they were immensely helpful! If not, the Post-Adoption Resource Centre (PARC) in Sydney Post Adoption Resource Centre - PARC Home might be able to put you in touch with local support orgs in Perth.

Failing that, I do know that the Inter-Country Adoptee Support Network Inter-Country Adoptee Support Network does have a volunteer representative in WA. While you might not be an ICA, they, too, might know of local support services. Also, the Department of Child Protection in WA might know of support groups Department for Child Protection - Adoption

I found that a combo of face-to-face support groups as well as online forums were immensely helpful!

Regards,
Ripples

[suzie3309]

Yes i went through Jigsaw to get my files which were sent to them from England.

The lady I spoke too was very nice and gave me a great leaflet to go home with.

unfortunatly i wirk and study at night and their adoptee meetings are not convienient to get too...i may have another look into it. At least then i would not have to explain the situation again!

thanks x

[ripples]

Glad that you found Jigsaw helpful. If they have open meetings, whereby anyone can attend, they might also be another alternative if you can't get to the adoptee-only meetings. I've found the open meetings very good too. Mainly adoptees and birth mothers attend.

[suzie3309]

Hi Ripples

thanks i found out when the next meeting is i may attend. im terrified of talking about my expirience but it will help to meet others. i dont think i could attend an open meeting i still have too much anger and am biased by my own issues.

adoptees are just fine by me though. ,maybe when im less angry

its funny nearly all the stories i have read is about young mothers giving up their children..there is little on here about abusive homes and taken away as a place of saftey.

maybe i should start a thread?

Thanks for all your help have you been to one of these meetings before..what can i expect?