[sls217]

This is my first post in any adoption forum, because I didn't know I was adopted until yesterday. I was going through some old family files looking for a particular item and I found a file labeled "Personal" with my dads initials. That's where I found the papers. I am floored.

The kicker? I am 42 years old. Obviously my parents never planned on telling me, and my mom died 5 years ago keeping the secret. To be truthful there were times I wondered -- no pictures of my mom pregnant, no early baby pictures, a birth certificate that did not list the parents names -- its a Canadian cert so they gave me some story of why it was like that which I believed, no answers to specific questions (asked of my mom & dad when I was pregnant with my first child.) I remember point blank asking my parents if was adopted when I was around 18, they laughed & said I was being ridiculous & why would I think that? (I thought that because I don't look anything like either of them) So they had the opportunity to tell me -- I was old enough to handle it--but they didn't.

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, I feel as if my entire life has been based on lies and secrecy, I am completely numb. I keep looking back at the papers I found to make sure it's real.

I have a special needs child (my 4 yo son who has autism) and my life has been difficult since his diagnosis. I am already seeing a psychiatrist because of the stress involved in raising him, so I am fortunate to have support and access to a doctor I trust. I have not told any of my family or friends yet -- the first one will be my husband but I am afraid at what he is going to think or say. We have been married over 15 years and our relationship has been a little rocky lately, mainly due to the stress of caring for an autistic child. I am just afraid that he will say something like "it doesnt change anything" or "your parents are still your parents because they are all you've ever known". Maybe I am just being paranoid, but I have no idea what he is going to say or think. It scares me.

My head is reeling right now with a million questions... why? (a lot of those), are my birth parents still living , do I have brothers & sisters (I have always been an only child), more why's...

I am angry that my parents didn't have enough respect for me to be honest with me.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help myself deal with this? I can't even look at my dad right now (he has lived with me ever since my mom died). He has heart problems and I am afraid I would give him a heart attack if I told him that I knew. But I don't think I can keep it in. Help?!?!

[Monster]

Hello im sorry to hear what you are going threw, im a bmother so i can not relate just want to send some love and support, talk to them you need the closer and as for your son im sorry i have friend who has autisum its hard but it will be ok. INMO i think your husband loves you rocky or not its been 15 years you have already had the ups and downs in life this is just another obstical in life you two will battle together, dont stress as much on how your father and husband will react take care of you and your needs its ok to. good luck i wish you the best

[JustPeachy]

Another birthmom chiming in. Hopefully, some other late discovery adoptees will address your post, as they have direct experience with this, but I just wanted to say I am sorry you found out this way and wish your parents would have not kept this from you. I know you say your dad is not well, but I think I would try to approach him and let him know you discovered this. Could you talk to his doctor and find out if, indeed, this would put him in danger healthwise if you had this discussion? I think it would be hard to keep this all in and not let him know that you know the truth (finally!). Maybe if you approached him calmly (as calmly as you can!), he could give you more info about your background and could try to explain why this was kept from you, though I can't think of any reasons that are justifiable. The only thing I can say is back in the day when you were adopted, the parents were told to keep it secret and raise the child as if he or she was their own. Apparently, your parents took this advice to heart and once the secret was so ingrained, they saw no way to undo it. I wish they could have at least told you when you were questioning it at 18. It would have been difficult then, too, but I don't think as much as it is now. You can only move forward from here, though, and can't really look back on what could have been, etc. Can you get some counseling around this issue?? I also think it will be hard to keep from your husband. I know it's rough right now and your marriage is strained, but you keeping it to yourself is only continuing the big secret. I would take a bit of time to process this in yourself, and maybe seek out a counselor to help you disclose this to your husband, and possibly your dad, and go from there. I think you need your husband's support, and he may not know what to say, but it would be so hard to keep this to yourself and not share it with your spouse of 15 years.

[bakerjw]

I am 44 year old adoptee that has always known that he was adopted. I can't address the feelings of betrayal that you are feeling but I can certainly understand how strong they must be.

It seems that a lot the adoptive parents of children from the generation where you I come from were very protective of their adopted children. I think that if my mom could have gotten away with never telling me that I was adopted, she would have tried. My adoption was just something that I was supposed to accept and never question and a search for my birth mother was totally taboo.

Although you have every right to be angry, it will pass and the sooner the better. I've learned to let things go even though it is very hard because if I don't I am only hurting myself in the long run.

I would certainly talk to your dad about what you found. It may be a relief to him that you know. Living with as large of a lie as that does take its toll. Don't make it a big deal as things tend to get out of control if too much of an element of drama comes into play. I'd say something like "Dad, I will always love you but I know now that I was adopted and I'd like to talk about it sometime." Then go find something else to do for a while. Let the waters calm down a bit. You are hurting and very angry, but he is one person that can answer a lot of your questions.

I would also tell your husband. You will get the "They've been your parents... " line from someone some day. I think that all adoptees get that one. Even my wife who has come to learn how sensitive the nature of my adoption is has pointed that out in a nice way.

But now there is an unknown out there for you. Only when you get things out in the open on the home front and know where everyone stands will you be able to evaluate what to do next.

There are many people here for you.
Best wishes.

[Dickons]

I'm sorry you were not told...finding out now as an adult...I cannot imagine the pain.

1. Talk to your Dad's doctor before you talk to your Dad.

2. Tell your doctor and your childs doctor that your medical history is false, this is very important.

3. Educate yourself on what it was like in the 60's...it was unbelieveable the way society worked. Anne Fessler's The Girls Who Went Away is an excellent book to read to understand the mind set of secrecy etc.

4. Know you are not alone, we are here and you are welcome here.

5. Take time to be kind to yourself, even spoil yourself, you deserve it after a shock like this.

6. Understand that you can search or not search, each person is different and has different needs.

Take care,
Dickons

[Jackiejdajda]

Are You Adopted? Are You Sure?

Late Discovery - Home

Ron is a good man.. and I know he can connect you with others that are going through what you are going through..

I am so sorry this happened to you..

Jackie

[white_elephant]

sks217,

My heartfelt EMPATHY for you and all of your family at this time. I too received confrimation this past June, and am 43, and also have the Canadian BC with no parents names on it.

You have receieved some sound advice already. Certainly you are welcome here, and I have found this site a warm comfort with great insight since June. I have been dealing with this issue for more than five years, and my "parents" still will not tell me the truth sadly enough. They are both still living however many miles away.

The anger is intense, overwhelming, and completely unbearable at times. There are no words adequate enough to describe what goes on inside us at this point. It does subside over time, but go through it. Try not to worry about what others will say, and seek support from those who have been through it, and or professionals with much experience. While our family and friends sure do mean well, please realize it is little comfort and at times I have been completely inconsolable. I try to keep those moments between myself and the Lord, however, there are times when the pain and grief simply from the betrayal are too much. Know you will get THROUGH it, not over it, but through it!

We are here for you, even though complete strangers, we are at heart very much connected. Please pm me anytime you would like.

I have tried the above suggested link to Ron Morgan although I did not get anywhere. The site seems to be as of a couple of years ago. There are some great personal experience stories on there though, no two the same....but the mind set and the emotions, just the same, we all just word them a bit different at times.

I started praying for you yesterday when I read this, I have thought on it before posting. Not so much good with advice, just would like you to know I am here, and share a similar story. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

Lots of warm regards,

Marilyn

[sls217]

Thanks to all who have responded to my post. It is always comforting to get insight from others who have gone through this. I decided to talk to my husband last night, and although there were a few tense moments in the beginning, we both calmed down enough to have a conversation about it. It helped me to get some of my feelings out, let out some steam and some tears. He cannot know how I feel, and he acknowledges this, but I think he is slowly realizing how complex and life-changing this is for me.

I also met with my doctor today, and he encouraged me to talk with my dad asap, because if something were to happen to him, I would never get all the answers I need. He is totally right, but it sure is going to be hard to get those first words out. My dad has a history of running when the conversation gets serious, so I hope he will give me the answers I need. I am feeling a little better, although the stress has been manifesting itself physically - my chest is tight, my stomach hurts, I am exhausted. I hope that will resolve soon, because I have 2 little boys to take care of!

Again thank you to all who have responded, and thanks for the links. I'll take all the prayers I can get!

[Jensboys]

Amom here, and I can't say I have a clue as to why your parents chose to do what they did (other than, I hope, they did so with the best of intentions)

its a Canadian cert so they gave me some story of why it was like that which I believed,

In regards to this part however, I can tell you that yes in fact the "short form" Canadian birth certificate (it fits in your wallet) does NOT list parents. I have given birth twice here, and neither short form certificate have my name listed, and my own birth certificate from the 70's is exactly the same. If you wish to order your birth certificate (long form) you can. The fee is I believe $75 and very easy to process. Also, depending on what province you were born in (and adopted from) your adoption records might also be available easily and cheaply. Many Canadian provinces now have mandatory open records.

Best of luck processing this all. And I am so sorry your parents kept this information from you.

[sls217]

Yes I have discovered that there are 2 types of Canadian birth certificates. I would like to get a copy of the long form, but when I went on the site, it asked for the names of my parents. I do not have the names... the only name I do have is the name given to me when I was born, so there is a last name there, and I am not sure if it my mothers or my fathers last name.

I was born in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, ans I haven't found info yet on whether is is an open-record province. Does anyone have a link to a website that may be able to direct me to that information.

I am very thankful I found this community...thanks to all for your support and suggestions.

[Jensboys]

No the names on your birth certificate would be your adoptive parents ... when you are adopted, your birth certificate is changed. AFTER you have your birth certificate you can apply for your adoption records.

[volkswagonvw]

WOW...finding out at 42 is awful for you. I was 16 and discovered by accident. It was one of the most earth shattering days in my life. I so feel your anger and frustration. Boy do I ever.
I have to say, though, that I've learned over the years (am 43 now) that we can't be angry with the parents who withheld the information. They had reasons, ie..religion, ethnicity, fear fear fear, insecurity. It isn't right...not by any stretch of the imagination but it is a reality that we adoptees have to face. They didn't tell us to protect us from one thing or another. It was done because they loved/love us not because of some conspiracy to leave us in the dark.
If you are able to get past the anger and see the whole picture from afar...give yourself the time to do that and to put your parents lives in perspective. If they are gone now, then perhaps you can find a way to forgive them. That will unload a terrible burden from your shoulders.
Thoughts are with you...good luck on the next stage of this amazingly scary and new process.

[ttwst1]

I can sorta feel your pain and feeling of betrayal. I was 16 years old when I found out I was adopted. I was visiting what I thought was my aunts house, but after snooping through my cousin's (so I thought) diary, I found out that she was actually my sister and had known the whole time.
When I found this out, my puzzle started to fall into place. When I was adopted, my adopting parents were told that they could not have children due to female problems w/ my MOTHER. Four months after I was adopted, my MOTHER found out she was pregnant.
My MOTHER had three children of her own, all girls, yeah. I went from being an only child to a discarded child quickly. All of my dreams and aspirations when I was a child was met with great resistance from my MOTHER. My sister's, on the other hand, had to mutter a slight interest in something and the whole kit and kaboodle of tools or materials for such wants would be granted immedietly.
I know this sounds like a prelude to a "pity party", but the happenings are facts. When it was thought that my adopted parents could not have children of their own, I was a perfect option for them to have a family. But when the tides changed, I feel as if I were washed out to sea with the following cycle.
I have great respect for my adopted parents. They did take very good care of me, physically. When it came to the mental stability a child needs to be socially and individually functional, I had no shoulder to lean on or someone to dry my tears. I was always told that I was a martyr and that I would not amount to much more than a ditch-digger. My sisters were never put down or disregarded as I. They were my MOTHER's blood.
Now on to my biological MOM. She's a real piece of work too. I have contact w/her, but she is always trying to make me feel guilty. Why should I. I am 38 years old and have had my share of partners, but I remember all of their names. You do not lie down with someone for bedroom relations unless you have some sort of connection, and not just the same feeling of wanting some and never seeing each other again.
I am bothered most by my MOM because she can not remember the guy's name. How stuck am I? Luckily I have contact with a lady that grew up and hung out with my MOM during the late 60's-early 70's. She just so happened to know the guy's name, but she is not sure how to spell it. Just another rung on this endless ladder.
My whole problem w/the lack of knowledge as to who my biological father is one for medical reasons. I would like to know my origins also. I have no want to mentally connect w/the man because I already have a dad that I wouldn't trade for the world. He wasn't there for me much as a child, but has not been ashamed to admit his wrong-doings. I have great admiration for anyone who can admit their faults and actively try to change them.
As I was saying, I have known I was adopted now for 22 years, and I still have a hard time w/it. Maybe one day the fact will not bother me anymore, but until then I just hope I can keep it together.

[cetalley]

To the OP, I am sorry you are dealing with such a shock, that you feel so totally upended. I cannot imagine what that feels like. I can however relate to the sick painful tight feelings you have in your gut. I call them my deep gutteral ache. As a firstmom, I wish fro nothing more than to find my twin sons...just to know they are alive safe and healthy. I relinquished my twins 22 yrs ago, and my life has NEVER been complete since. I have a STRONG belief, that as parents " WE" have a responsibilty to our children, to always be open and hones...ESPECIALLY when specifically asked to do so....I of course do not know the WHYS of your parents, for each of us have our reasons, there are just NO good reasons to lie to your child...even if WE are told to do so! As adults our instincts and values TELL us differently. You have done the right thing by being HONEST to your husband...lies BREED mor lies. I feel you MUST approach your Dad, (of course lovingly) and have a heart to heart. Tell him how much you love him and how he and your mom were and are GREAT parents, but you must NOW know the truth, who knows since your mom passed on, he may feel now is a good time to tell you...he may have just GONE ALONG with her out of respect for her desire to be a mom! I pray my twins' parents have always abided by the honest and morral code of being truthful. I hope you get all you seek, for no matter the outcome, we ALL have a RIGHT to know WHO we are...GOOD or BAD...plain and simple. Please keep us posted, we are all in this triad world together, like it or not, we will listen!

[cetalley]

JUST A QUICK FOLLOW UP. I NEEDED TO TELL YOU WHAT A CONSTANT SAYING MY FATHER HAD...ALL WHILE I GREW UP. He used to tell us from the time I can remember on, "I am your Dad, As your Parent, I owe it to you to always be honest with you kids(all 10 of us), A child MAY never have ANY body in their lives they can trust, but you will always have me to come to and tell you the truth." This is the reason he told us every year right from the get go, that there was no such thing as SANTA CLAUS...This may seem cruel to some, but he felt we should not be lied to by the only ones we could always trust, especially over a ficticious character, on such an important holiday, the birth of our SAVIOR. Sorry for my rant, just an idea of how important it is to have trust....