[sls217]

Thanks to all who have posted with their stories & support. It has been a few weeks now and I guess I have started to settle in with this new information. I talked to my father. He didnt have much (good) to say. His first comment was "Oh I thought we had told you about that" but the immediate look on his face told a different story. That was such a BS comment as far as I was concerned. Yet another cop out, and trying to pin it on my mom who is not here to explain anything. There was no apology, no empathy, no nothing, just me talking & him making excuses. No looking me in the eye, no hug, and in the end, no closer to understanding anything than before I told him. At one point he told said to me "well at least you weren't aborted". That comment stunned me. Now I am sure this makes my dad look like the meanest and most unfeeling man alive, but I've never felt that way about him -- I always felt as if he loved me, but now I am not so sure he really knows what real love is. I am beginning to understand why I am the way I am, and possibly why I have so many problems with my relationships. So if anything good has come of this, it is a deeper undertanding of my own issues. I have also applied to receive all the info that exists regarding my adoption, except for the names of my birth parents of course. The post-adoption services in Canada will try to contact my parents to see if there is interest in connecting, and if so they will mediate the entire process. So maybe getting more info will make all this more real to me. It still feels very surreal...and I am still unsure how and what to think. Sometimes my lack of emotion about all this surprises me, but then I think about my dad's response and it makes sense. I just hope it doesnt all come crashing down on me one day...

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by sls217

Thanks to all who have posted with their stories & support. It has been a few weeks now and I guess I have started to settle in with this new information. I talked to my father. He didnt have much (good) to say. His first comment was "Oh I thought we had told you about that" but the immediate look on his face told a different story. That was such a BS comment as far as I was concerned. Yet another cop out, and trying to pin it on my mom who is not here to explain anything. There was no apology, no empathy, no nothing, just me talking & him making excuses. No looking me in the eye, no hug, and in the end, no closer to understanding anything than before I told him. At one point he told said to me "well at least you weren't aborted". That comment stunned me. Now I am sure this makes my dad look like the meanest and most unfeeling man alive, but I've never felt that way about him --

I am beginning to understand why I am the way I am, and possibly why I have so many problems with my relationships. So if anything good has come of this, it is a deeper undertanding of my own issues. I have also applied to receive all the info that exists regarding my adoption, except for the names of my birth parents of course. The post-adoption services in Canada will try to contact my parents to see if there is interest in connecting, and if so they will mediate the entire process. So maybe getting more info will make all this more real to me. It still feels very surreal...and I am still unsure how and what to think. Sometimes my lack of emotion about all this surprises me, but then I think about my dad's response and it makes sense. I just hope it doesnt all come crashing down on me one day...

SLS217, I am happy you talked to your father. I will always be a fan of truth, lies breed more lies. I know you still do, and always will LOVE your Dad. You must remember he comes of a different time. He does love you and you know deep inside this will never change...he IS the man whom raised, cared, and loved you. I think you will do just fine, have lots of patience, and continue your search. Letting your Dad know this is not going away, and even though you love him, YOU will find the truth, you would just much rather it came from him...the man you admire, and love as afather. Regardless you will know, just be prepared for ALL aspects of this journey. If I could have had a.com when I relinquished in 1986...or even an unbiased counselor, I would have never relinquished. So now as you are, I am searching, and will not stop until i know they are happy safe and healthy. I pray each day they (my twin sons) know about me, and will indeed wish to learn of their heritage. It is truly mind-boggling what 1 act of LOVE can and will do to so many people, when all we ever wanted was to be able to love! Please keep us posted, even if you just need to come vent...we are here..Blessings !

[fractalgirl]

Wow - I can't imagine finding out so late in life. Just remember that in the 60s, birth moms were often labelled as whores and uncaring, while the adoptive parents were usually schooled in the mentality that they were saving the adopted child. In reality, it's not the case much of the time, however.

Originally Posted by sls217

I was born in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, ans I haven't found info yet on whether is is an open-record province. Does anyone have a link to a website that may be able to direct me to that information.

I'm in Saskatchewan too!
Post-Adoption - Social Services
You can request your adoption order which will have your birth name which can help with a search. And, they may have some family traits and health info on record. They say that the wait time for an active search is two years, but I spoke to someone in the office and they told me that these days the wait is closer to 4 years . Also, given your son's illness, you may even qualify for a medical info request which could be processed more quickly.

Good luck!

[cksmom]

SLS,

HUGE hugs!!!! I'm sorry your dad was so cold and said the worst things possible. I'm sure you caught him completely off guard and inside he was freaking out.

My son is 5 and has autism. If you need another ASD mom to chat with about it or being an adoptee, please PM me any time.

(((((((MORE HUGS))))))))

[Foundoutat50]

It takes a while to come to terms with the shock of finding out that you were adopted and that, even as an adult, your parents continued to keep a secret. It starts out throwing you upside down, then the shock waves continue. I remember wondering what else I didn't know. Was my birthday really the date I'd always celebrated? Were there other secrets? (Yes, actually) Did everyone know and was everyone in on the secret? What was really true? Several times I'd been confronted by strangers who had mistaken me for someone else so, did I have a twin? Was anyone 'looking' for me? Of all of the family tales I'd heard over the years, what was real and what was made up? I asked my Mom twice for family history information for medical reasons and both times she gave me her history and Dad's. I understand that it would have been hard to tell me the truth by the time I was 43 but I was dealing with an illness and the specialist was truly puzzled trying to make a diagnosis because there was no history of that illness in my family!

I'm sorry your talk with your Dad turned out the way it did. Remember that 42 years ago in most circles there was a stigma to being illegitimate and adoptive parents were advised not to tell their children about the adoption for the child's sake. It's that generation - they hold their secrets very close. I had one remaining aunt when I found out and asked her daughter to "probe" for me. My aunt's comment: "it's best not to talk about those things".

Good luck with your search and with the outcome. Pressing for information for medical reasons (your son? concerns about the health problems that might be faced by any other child you have?) will fast-track your search.