[white_elephant]

I am wondering if I am the only one struggling with obstinate "adoptive/kin/parents" who refuse to tell me the facts of my birth, and still claim they are my parents. Yet they will not confirm nor do they deny my now writtnen and verbal belief to them that I know that who they convinced me was my big brother was indeed my birth father, and my birth mother was indeed one of his ex wives. I knew them both, have their names, do not know birth mom's last name presently. I tried a search angel, no luck there. NONE OF THE FAMILY IS IN CONTACT WITH ME PRESENTLY. All refuse to speak to me - all of them. I am not allowed to ask them any questions at all, they hang up on me, or they pretend I am not talking, or they address some esoterical issue with me. I have stopped communicating with them, because trying to find out something this important, and thier evasion towards me is so degrading that I can't explain it. I feel like I am doing something "wrong" by not calling and chit chatting with them. I am trying to silently kindly prove to them that if they aren't going to get things straight with me and have an honest conversation about it, just once, then I don't owe them any more polite chit chat of nothingness. In which my adad likes to give big fat hints and clues about the reality, but won't ever tell me it out in the open. It just drives me crazy what he says, and I can't ever figure it out, nor can I ask him a direct question and get a direct answer. I mean literally it drove me crazy a couple of times. I really thought that "adad" would tell me the truth if no one else would. I was way wrong, he is one of the worst ones at manipulating the truth, and leaving out the "rest of the story" so that it sounds like he has answered you, but when you think about it, he hasn't said anything at all. Much like a politician does!

This is not just since he is older, (late 80's, but still very sharp), but has been going on all of my life with him and her and my "brothers"! In other words they like to play some game with me where they "say it without ever saying it" but we all know what they are talking about at the end, and they feel justified that they didn't bold face lie, however they manipulated the truth so badly that it can only be thier truth in context with an underlying meaning, and they aren't open for anyone questioning them. If I do ask them something they just say they don't know or they don't remember. It's just disgusting and very mind boggling. Anyone know what I am talking about? It's like having a double or duel conversation while you think you are talking about one meaning they are talking about two or three meanings to it. when you figure out what they realPlus they do it jokingly, and it hurts even worse because they are laughing at the fact that I didn't get it what they were saying for real.

I wonder if anyone has had confronted their adoptive or kin parents (in my case grandparents or great Aunt and Uncle) and in the beginning refuse to tell but then later, before they pass on end up telling you the truth, or there after? Ir encourntered people of this nature before. They seem to have made a vow or a promise and will not ever tell me while alive. I have heard "amom" say on many occasion that when she is gone she doesn't care who knows, she won't be around to deal with it, she'll be in heaven! I find that really disturbing!!!

I find this all so sad that I have told them I KNOW, I named my birth parents names, and they refuse to speak to me about it. They just remain neutral, neither confrim nor deny, they'll just tell me a story. I know I can't be the only one going through this.

To make matters worse, they claim they are Christian people and have faithfully attended church for more than 55 years. I find it to be so horribly opposite of what they are doing. I understand what the concept was in the 60's, and that parents thought they were doing the best of the child. This is 2008, right? I have to ask, I have trouble with reality and fantasy, anyone wonder why? lol. I know it's 2008.


i guess I just want to know if anyone has ever confronted their adoptive parents be they kin or not and later on they changed their minds and told them before they passed on or after.

I just want to know if I am missing something , or is this just something that was, is and will always remain as their choice and I can do nothing more about it but leave the door open, pray for them, and suffer? How do I stop grieving over the fact that they refuse to be honest with me? How do I stop grieving over all of this. I have no family. How could this have been the best thing for me like they say? I love my children and I am honest with them, that protects them, and keeps them safe, even if it's not always what they like or want to hear.

OK, this got way longer than I intended, but I'll submit it this time instead of erasing it and keeping it to myself like I usually do!

I just need some perspective, it's really hard for those that haven't experienced anything like this to understand.

Thank you for your considerate, kind replies in advance.

[bakerjw]

ouch. That is a very tough spot to be and not one that I am familiar. That kind of treatment is deplorable and not the way anyone should be treated. So many of us adoptees get similar treatment by the system that allows the dangling of carrots in front of us knowing that we will rarely be able to grab one with their method. To have it come from a "Christian" family makes it even worse.

Although it hurts you to not have contact, I'd say write them off unless they decide to treat you right. Don't respond to letters, e-mails, phone calls, etc... until any of them are ready to be rational and deal with your needs on your terms. You are not a play toy to be jerked around and had fun with. It sounds like this behavior has been the norm and isn't going to change soon.

Focus on your children and yourself. You can still look for your bmother in the interim but again you open yourself up to a new world of emotional turmoil.

My best hopes and wishes for you.

[akcskye]

Why don't you come up with some huge story, that is your worst nightmare times 1000 that will be much worse than what the truth probably is, and tell them that this is what you think had to have happened with the level of secrecy your family is still trying to achieve...and that anything "less" than that would be a GOD SEND of relief in your heart.

The imagination IS worse than the reality most of the time, so maybe by making them think you're believing that "most horrible story" you'll make up, they'll be conned into telling you the "truth" to put your mind at ease, because you think it's so much worse.

That would be the tactic I would take in your shoes.

[MamaS]

What about enlisting the aid of their pastor? If they are as "Christian" as they claim, perhaps he could show them the error of their thinking. The Bible is clear about the right ways to treat a child, and "mental cruelty" is forbidden. If they claim you as their child, then they owe you honest answers.

[Dickons]

Here are a couple of ideas...

1. Explain to them that for medical reasons with how far medical science has come in the last few years you now need to have accurate info to protect you. It is primarily the 1st and 2nd degree relatives that show your risk level of getting a hereditary disease and if you do not have the info the chance of a wrong diagnosis and delay in treatment can be life threatening.

2. Tell them that in order to put this to bed you are going to order a dna test for the three of you. If they agree then do it. If they don't agree then you could test with your 'sibling'. If it is a no-go then you could do it without their permission but that is a very slippery slope to go down and not sure if it would be worth it in the long run...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[cetalley]

As firstmoms, there really are CRISTIANS we allow to adopt our children, that behave in this manner! This is truly sad, I have no wise answeres, just know that we are here for you when you feel a need to scream and yell. I wish you all that you seek.

[zxczxcasdasd]

This is deplorable. People of faith should honor truth, not obsure and distort it. I'm so sorry they are behaving this way.

[jp4ga]

I feel so bad for everyone in your position. Why can people not just be honest. When we were completing paperwork for adoption the SW asked us if we would tell the child. I did not understand why this question would be asked. Of, course we will tell her. We hope to be able to tell her all about her family, we hope to be in contact with her family. We hope her biofamily will want to meet her one day. I can not believe that this kind of stuff still happens. Everyone has a right to know who they are and where they came from.

[white_elephant]

I've tried the DNA and the medical history route, it doesn't go any where. They just use, the "I'm too old to be bothered with this." thing! But thanks, Dickons for the suggestion, I enjoy your posts and replies very much. As well as bakerjw, I gain much needed insight from your replies too. You have helped me out on more than you know. thank you.

MamaS - I also thought about contacting their Pastor. They have that avenue close up as well. "Adad" is "best friends" with the Pastor. Was a deacon for more than 15 years, and a staunch financial supporter for more than 35 years. Not the person the Pastor of a small congregation is going to confront. Even if he did, they have a belief that goes like this, "We will agree to disagree." And that settles it all for them.

i.e.
Whoever won't agree that they have a right to their privacy, that is whomever's problem, not thiers, and that is the way it is. In other words, if they can justify it that their intentions were and are good, then they owe no man anything else at all. That is kind of how they are in a nutshell. I appreciate your concern and thoughtful reply. I sure wish it were a church that had some hope of really being a truthful loving one, but not so. ANyone that would push this issue with them, they would walk away from anyway. They do what they want to do, then pull Bible verses out and make them fit what their situation is, not the other way around.

I am glad that others can see this for what it is. It helps me to see it for what it is, and while it's not what I want to know, it is the truth and I will continue in it regardless of who else will or will not. All of this is sinking in for me, and it's a been a whirlwind of emotions for a long, long time.

I have left htem with my phonse number, my DH's phone number and they have my DD's phone number also. He calls and leaves strange voice mails on mine every so often. She, "amom" hasn't bothered to get on the phone in over a year's time! I really feel the love!

thanks for your replies so far... so very needed!!!

[delly]

You are not alone, i am going trough the same thing! sometime i just want to scream!! when i was 14 my adoptive mom told me right out that i was adopted, then she replied that she was only joking, i was shocked and those words stayed with me until i was 45 years old, then i began to search for evidence. My adopted mom does the same thing, she lies and says that she is my real mom, she even made up a fabulous story about how she gave birth to me, its all a big fat lie, i found out that she is my aunt and her baby sister is my biological mom, everyone is playing games with me like i made this all up, i found out through bith records that it is true. But they say that its a mistake. i am on a mission to bust this case wide open if it takes me the rest of my life, everyone thinks that i am crazy but those papers didn't lie. I even look like my real mom, she has alot of explaining to do so she is keeping everything a secret. i am now 51 and i am still waiting for the truth. Goodluck!

[halcottmama]

Hi, I just read your post. I know exactly what you are going thru. I use to hear my amom and adad argue almost every night over something I done when I was a kid. And they use to say I was going to end up just like "her". Well, at 8y.o. I put 2 and 2 together and figured out I was adopted. And I knew somehow, I was never to bring it up. There was only a very few I ever told. Finally in 1992, I found my bfamily. And I found them with the help of my adad's brother, whom I only remember ever seeing once or twice in my whole life. My aaunt even told me that my bmom and amom were, get this, "best friends". And my amom brought me home from the hospital when I was born. I could go on and on, but my full brother, (I also have 2 half sisters,) even knew that I lived in Tn and FL over the years, and I also found out after finding them, we lived within 5 - 10 miles of each other back in the '70's, and my brother, who is now deceased, worked for the City of Schenectady, collecting garbage in the '70's and he even picked up my garbage. Ironic, huh? A few years ago my amom passed away, and the way I found out was online reading the obits. So I called my adad and told him I wanted my adoption papers. He said he would send them and hung up on me. They even turned my oldest son against me. I have 2 granddaughters that I have never seen and probably never will.
Sorry this got so long.

[my2sons]

As an adult adoptee my Aparents also wanted to give me no information. All i was told was a first name. Every thing had to be hush hush. they didnt even want me to tell my children that i was adopted. I am now looking for my birth family. Let your adopted parents know that you love them no matter what and they are still your parents. Thank them for choosing you and loving you and for giving you a great life, just explain to them that you need closure and they are still number 1.

[lovemy6]

How hearbreaking to lose your family over not having the truth

I can't imagine what you're going through. As an adoptive mom, let me tell you that stories like yours help me to understand how important the truth is to adoptees. Even if nothing comes of your situation, know that sharing it is helping other people!

[MamaS]

Okay. What about paying them a visit, stealing their toothbrushes and having a DNA test done yourself? It would tell you whether they were -- or were not -- your parents or if you were a close relative (i.e. grandchild)?

[Manoleus]

White Elephant,
I am so, SO sorry. I thought I was the only one dealing with totally insensitive CHRISTIAN parents that withheld information from me, lied to me, and have acted like my adoption and my feelings are totally irrelevant. I found out I was adopted in September of 2006 after I graduated high school and started college. I had a hunch and started doing some super sleuthing. Long story short, I cornered my adoptive mom and hit her with the fact that I already knew and that I wanted answers. She lied and lied. Told me no one knew. The story then changed. It was such a tragedy. My dad didn't even have the decency to come home that night and even see how I was. I ended up getting kicked out of the house (to this day I have no idea why, and they deny that they "kicked me out") I'm 21 now and it's terrible the amount of insensitivity that I receive. I just came off of a horrible Mother's Day, one of the three depressing days of the year for most adoptees, and I still wonder how it's possible for people to be so uninterested in the fact that we're hurting everyday about this. They've said terrible things to me "You should be grateful!" "The only reason that you're here is because of me!" "Go find your real parents and see if they'll support you!" My adoptive aunt even said to my sister at one point that I was just "A product of their good will" I really feel your pain and I know how terribly frustrating it is to see such acts of insensitivity and down right cruelty upfront everyday. It's okay though. I've become extremely self-sufficient ( a defense mechanism, most likely) and as much as it pains me to deal with this alone, I do. My girlfriend is so supportive, but the effects of adoption are very deep and having people that don't even show interest in you is even more devastating. I really hope you can find it to confide in yourself more and find solid, positive help. I firmly believe that adopted adults that have had poor experiences with foster parents absolutely have the right to remove the negative influences and pick and choose people to be around us that will encourage healing. I hope that you can find this. I'd love to hear more about your situation and i wish you well. Don't explode over there! You're not alone...

Best Wishes,
Manoleus