[tjp70]

At the age of 35 I found out that I am adopted. Only after becoming curious for the first time in my life. It was the most heartbreaking experience I have ever encountered. A year later my AM died from cancer. My AM & AF were never going to tell me. For selfish reasons of course. I am quoting my AF here, "You were mine", "I didn't think of you as adopted." Such crap!!!! Adults can be sooooooo id. oriented

Now before I knew I was adopted I had an experience that really does not help me understand the Adoptive parents side. I have guardianship of three of my adoptive family members. One of these children had no idea who his BF was. His mother nor anyone else would tell him, sooooooooo I had to tell a 13 year old boy who his BF was. Yes, it was devastating for both of us, of course for him more than me, but I did it "because he had a right to know and it was the right thing to do, period." That was three years before I found out about my adoption. So I can't wrap my head around this selfishness that people seem to have.

I started my search for my BP six months after I found out. It took a little over a year for Child & Family Services to locate them. Once they were located my birth mother gave medical info, but explicitly said that she did not want contact.

Now let me tell you about my birthparents and how I came to be.
My birthmom is caucasiun was 27 @ the time of my birth My BF is black was 37 @ the time of my birth. She was single, he was married. So she had me and gave me up for adoption.This was 1970.
1973 they married each other.

8 months after my birthmom initially said NO Contact, she and my BF changed their mind. They contacted the social worker, gave her their contact info and asked to pass it on to me. The social worker emailed me. I called her and thus that was the beginning of our reunion.
Well it is 4 months later and now they have decided that they no longer want any communication. Why you might ask? In my opinion, it hurts to much for them, to realize and face their own demons.

They wanted to know me without my past.Meaning- I guess they wanted to believe that the stork raised me, I didn't have a family and friends, and a life. A pretty good life @ that. That is impossible, and I said so, sooooo they have written me two really mean, hurtful, letters in the past week. They no longer want contact, I'm quoting them "we are only the DNA that made you." "Things that seemed important before are no longer important." "There will be no more personal information forth coming." And those are the nice parts. They attacked my Adoptive parents, family and my husband. Oh.... and then @ the end they had the nerve to say they were sorry for any pain they caused me in the past for months.
You mighfeel my hurt and anger through this email, I am devasted @ their actions. Its been 38 years and they still don't get it.
By the way, the two of them are educated: Penn State (birthmom)and the Warden Schoool of business.(BF) Intelligence doesn't equate common sense.
I do not believe this is the end, but I don't know. I will finish this later.
Thanks for allowing me to vent.

[txrnr]

I am so sorry tip70. It can't be easy for you, and I hope you find support and understanding here!

[tjp70]

Thanks TXRNR. I'm hoping that I can at least find some understanding here, even if I don't get agreement. Right now I feel really alone, and akward talking about this to others who have not been adopted or part of the triad.

[rainmon]

Wow! TJ... that is so sad.... are you saying they did not want to get to know your other family members etc.. or acknowledge that they even exist.... and that is the reason for this big rift?
Have you all had a f2f yet... if so...what happened with that? did they all meet and just not get along....is there some kind of rivalry going on between families... or have they not even met each other yet?
Do you think the reunion has maybe moved too fast?

[Tazer]

Hi TJP! Welcome aboard. All I can say after reading your post is wow! I am a B-mom and I've been in reunion for just over 3 years with my daughter. She wasn't told by her parents that she was adopted either and she discovered it only after I made contact with her. Like your parents she was also told they never felt she wasn't theirs so they never felt the need to disclose this info to her.
I don't have any advice but there are so many great adoptees here that offer awesome feedback so stay tuned. I am glad you're here. Tracy

[CaddoRose]

While I'm not within the triad of people you are hoping will respond, I just wanted to let you know that from your story, it seems as though you have done nothing wrong. Unfortunately you have to be the one recieving the actions of those that you nor anyone else can control. Remember that. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this and that they are responding in such a hurtful and selfish way. You deserve better.

[kathigary]

I'm so sorry. Try to remember that it is their loss to not know you. They have no idea what their missing!!!

Hang in there.

Kathi

[bprice215]

I am so sorry you were never told of your adoption. I'm so sorry that the people you trusted most can be so shallow thick and slow when it comes to your well being. You have every right being here, if venting is what you need to do then please vent on. Vent until you get it out of your system, that is one of the reason we are all here as you shall see. We all here to lend our support towards you in your time of need because that's what we do best here at adoption dot com. Please keep posting and let us know how your healing goes.
Best of luck to you.

bprice215

[Lexi73]

I cannot begin to imagine everything you are going through, so I can only wish you strength. It breaks my heart to hear stories like yours. No words, really.

[white_elephant]

tjp70,

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!

My story is similar, "late discovery" because I was compelled to find the truth and why things just didn't make sense over the course of my life in my "family"! So, I found out all right. At 42, I'm still calming down and trying to let the reality of it all sink in before I pursue my bmom's current info. (I have her name, etc.) not her contact info., yet. Don't even want it right now, it's been a long six years!

There really isn't words to describe what we are talking about when it comes to the "late discovery" part and the betrayal. While others are dealing with reunion and rejection, I"m still trying to comprehend the same things you are.

Each of us is in a little different place in this whole thing, but the pain and the sorrow is the same. The emotions are the same. I wish I had all the answers too, but people are people.......

If you'd like to PM me please feel free to. I know it gets hard at times to get by when no one you are around really gets it when it comes to this. I am very sorry about your recent issues with your birth parents. You'll find that in time you'll deal with that nasty rejection much more easily than you will the betrayal of the "aparents". At least that's what I found when my Bfather "opted out" on me as well a couple months ago. My "history" is very twisted up, so I can't really explain in a post about it. He was known to me as also my "brother" - no so.

It really doesnt' get much more painful than the shock effect of finding out when you are 35 or 42 or 13 or 18 that you aren't in your birth family! It's just a bit different emotions and thoughts when it comes to the actual outright rejection, especially when it's particulary cruel, as was yours. The betrayal thing is what gets me though. . If my bmother rejects me as well... so be it, not want I hope for of course, but I would rather have her do that than play "let's get together" and then not really be wanting to, so for the sake of not hurting my feelings she plays along! Now that would be awful to me. BTDT. Know what I mean? NOt that I'm saying rejection up front is better either. I would just rather know, then deal with it than go through some of the agony I hear the adoptees going through with their reunions, and not knowing really where they stand in the thing. I have to keep things very real in my relationships for obvious reasons, and most find that "aggressive" or too much for them to deal with right from the start, so they back off. I guess in that way I get to the point much quicker.

I just wanted to drop you a note and let you know you can PM me if you want. I'm pretty secluded with people to talk to about this. We are a bit of a unique group, even here. I'm kind of new here too.

God bless you, and hope to hear from you, but if not... stay in touch here, it is good to speak about it all. After years of secrecy, you need a voice! We also need to feel heard and accepted too. It's a big problem with me anyway.

I do have an awesome husband and 2 great young adult children and 2 grandbabies of my own, so I'm not lonely or unloved, and my life is going well right now. I still deal with these things though, they aren't going to just remove themselves magically, they have to be dealt with.

Take care....stay in touch.

[conn]

I'm surprised there are still so many "late discoveries" out there. I figured I was only one of a few. I found out at age 40,by myself with the help of genetics info and a med student friend. My adoptive mother was too ill in the hospital to confront at the time,but there was no doubt. Reunion with birth mother was special and my birth sis and I have formed a bond. Birth mom died last year so am happy to have had the short time with her.

[BrockBaby]

Welcome to the forums. I hope you find yourself at home among those "touched" by adoption. (personally I think the term "touched by adoption" is pretty silly..but don't know what else to say.)

It was horrible to have to find out so late! You have every right to feel whatever you want to feel...and vent all you need. Know that you will get those who understand, those who have been there, and you will also get responses of people trying to help you see other sides of things. Take what helps you, leave what doesn't. Don't take things too personally if someone doesn't agree with you. This is an awesome place to find support from people who "get it". We also have a chat room, where there are some awesome people that chat in the evenings a lot. Come join us sometime! It is a great way to get "instant gratification"! LOL

I am soooooooooo sorry that your bparents have decided not to work through their issues and make it about you. It is not your fault, nor is it anything you did wrong. It really hurts to have "the people who you'd THINK would want to know you and accept you" be nasty, mean and vidicitive. I know. My bmom is that way. Hang in there! And know that you are who you are suppose to be, and that is good enough!!

Hugs!

[Jennasmom1990]

Did your birthparents ever have anymore children? If not then you are a reminder of what they missed. If so then they may have never told their other children.

Patience is what you need right now. I know...I know...A LOT easier said than done.

In the meantime pray that they will come around.

Take care

[dlb003]

tjp70 - My heart goes out to you.

Sometimes the cruelty of people amazes me.

One of your bparents changed their mind. One of your bparents had second thoughts on re- establishing contact. Who talked the other out of it I wonder? Can two people be so cruel or is one listening to the other instead of listening to their heart. Just a thought.

I cannot even begin to imagine what you are and have been going through in this ordeal. Your identity is shaken to the core, of that I am sure. Your life is your own and while these people did contribute to your birth - they obviously hold no value in the rest of your life.

Let it go and find peace with your adad while he is here on earth. While it was an extremely selfish thing your aparents did by keeping this from you - obviously your adad loves you very much. He needs to feel and understand how this has affected your very soul.

I am of the opinion that the secrecy surrounding adoption is a generational thing. In 1970 the remnants of that taboo illegitimacy was ingrained into their heads by their parents. Perhaps your aparents thought they were protecting you.This may have been the only way they were equipped to handle it. Doesnt make it right, just and fair ... but it is what it is now and you will have to be the adult and the one to forgive and let it go. It takes to much energy to hold on to it.

Please keep us posted and I wish the very best for you.

[NJNative]

Originally Posted by conn

I'm surprised there are still so many "late discoveries" out there. I figured I was only one of a few. I found out at age 40,by myself with the help of genetics info and a med student friend. My adoptive mother was too ill in the hospital to confront at the time,but there was no doubt. Reunion with birth mother was special and my birth sis and I have formed a bond. Birth mom died last year so am happy to have had the short time with her.

I am surprised, too. Two of my cousins are 42 and 40 and both were always aware they were adopted. Even my grandmother -- who was born in 1908 -- knew she was adopted. She met her birthmother and half siblings in the 1950s!

And of course, my now almost 18 yo son has always known.