[rsummitt]

When I was about 8 yrs. old, my older 'sister' & I got into a fight, when she yelled at me "I wish I never picked you out!"
Needless to say, that's when our family all sat down and adoption was explained to me the best that they could..especially since I was still very young...
I was chosen---wanted---therefore in my opinion, that makes me very lucky....
and grateful that my Bmom knew she couldn't take care of me, so she gave me to a couple who could...I'm lucky!! chosen!!
how many can honestly say that? so people shouldn't whine -- they should be glad that they didn't wind up in a trash dumpster somewhere...or even worse-dead.
I'm grateful to be here!! thank you, Bmom, whereever you are!!

[andraya]

Originally Posted by rsummitt

When I was about 8 yrs. old, my older 'sister' & I got into a fight, when she yelled at me "I wish I never picked you out!"
Needless to say, that's when our family all sat down and adoption was explained to me the best that they could..especially since I was still very young...
I was chosen---wanted---therefore in my opinion, that makes me very lucky....
and grateful that my Bmom knew she couldn't take care of me, so she gave me to a couple who could...I'm lucky!! chosen!!
how many can honestly say that? so people shouldn't whine -- they should be glad that they didn't wind up in a trash dumpster somewhere...or even worse-dead.
I'm grateful to be here!! thank you, Bmom, whereever you are!!

I'm going to be as gentle as I can here... We are not chosen or picked, as bumblebeeskies already pointed out, most likely your aparents (and mine as well) were on a list and when you were born their name was at the top of that list. Were we wanted? Yes, very much so, as are many bio kids myself included. Yeah that is right, my first mom wanted me, to raise and love. Unfortunately coercion and societal pressure won out and I was adopted instead. Do you know your first mom? Can you say with 100% honesty that you weren't wanted?

Here is the real kicker though... Women who abandon and/or kill thier newborn children almost never think of adoption as an option. They are in great distress and usually hide their pregnancies from everyone around them, often denying it to themselves until they are in labour. They commit infanticide or abandon their children in order to get rid of the evidence of their pregnancy. I seriously doubt that any first mother who relinquished would EVER, even for a second, have thought of murder as an option. As a first mother myself I find your statement cold, cruel, ignorant and blind.

As previously mentioned I think you need to look deeper into adoption and stop the thought process that has led you to believe that first mom's choose between adoption and murder... it simply isn't true.

[amyadoptee]

I actually disagree with the statement of being grateful that I wasn''t dumped or aborted. The two other statements are correct. Our parents were on a waiting list.

I also know that abortion wasn't an option for regular folks prior to 1972 in the United States. It was too dangerous for a woman. It either killed her or left her sterilized for life.

If you were born before the Roe vs. Wade decision, more than likely your mother's choices were marriage or adoption. That was dependent on her parents. If they liked your father, they got married. If they didn't, guess what - she relinquished. It also depended on your father's parents as well. More often than not, your father and his parents kicked your mother to the curb to "handle" the situation.

I suggest reading "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler to get a real good idea on how your mother was treated.

I personally could not ever be grateful. Neither my adoptive mother nor my natural mother want it from me. They just want me happy.

[kelceesmom]

This discussion can continue but verbal attacks should not be stated. If the discussion can not be done with tact then this thread will be closed. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and should state their opinion but in a respectful manner.

[Mei Ling]

I was chosen---wanted---therefore in my opinion, that makes me very lucky....

So what about biological parents who kept their biological children? Why shouldn't they feel "lucky" that their parents wanted to give birth to them and raise them?

Why is it always adoptees who "should" feel grateful?

Any child should be wanted. It's not a privilege.


Note: I would not have ended up in the dumpster.

[MamaS]

I am an adoptive mother and yes, I did get to "choose" my baby. In fact, I turned down the first placement offered to me (for many reasons) and the second baby was the "right one". She has been a joy for 25 years. I hope she feels as lucky as I do.
I am glad that you had a good life and feel you were lucky. It gives us all hope that we have done the right thing!

[kakuehl]

I am a birthmom who placed my first born. I was not coerced in any way. Right or wrong, it was my own choice. In part, I made my choice because I firmly believe that a child deserves to be wanted... at the time of birth. I wanted him to have parents who were ready to be parents. I loved D then, as I have always loved him, but my mother (who was married when I was born) had a habit of telling me "I loved you, but I didn't want you". That hurt deeply, and I NEVER wanted to say it to a child of mine. I rejoice that he had parents who deeply wanted and loved him and were ready to parent. Did they do a better job than I would have? I don't know.

My other two bio children were planned. I could say, I don't know WHY I wanted you, but I could never say to them, "I didn't want you."

Rsummitt, please continue to honor both your aparents and your bmom. As you say, your bmom chose life for you and you aparents chose to be your parents.

All of us need to remember that each of our stories is just a little different. And that we think differently about our part in adoption depending where we are in our life's journey right now. There are great joys within my own story and great sorrows too. Somedays I focus on the joys, other days on the sorrows. Our feelings are our own! Telling me I shouldn't feel a certain way, doesn't mean I stop feeling that way, just makes me feel angry at you or hurt because you have devalued me. The strength of the forums lies in the fact that so often we can hear other viewpoint and learn from them.

[rsummitt]

I am so sorry to those I offended. I just wanted to put something positive out there--I'll admit..I was hoping for the off-chance that someone might take notice and know that I am alright with being adopted...and my aparents made me feel special and sure that I was one of the family...and not the odd man out, so to speak...
I am so sorry what I said was taken the wrong way--I won't speak again unless I know all the facts, ok? (which will be impossible, since every story/fact is different) again, I apologize...it hurts so sorry

[rsummitt]

Thank you for completely understanding, Mama S, what I was trying to say. I'm so glad someone understood the good I was trying to say. Thank You!

[JustPeachy]

Originally Posted by rsummitt

I am so sorry to those I offended. I just wanted to put something positive out there--I'll admit..I was hoping for the off-chance that someone might take notice and know that I am alright with being adopted...and my aparents made me feel special and sure that I was one of the family...and not the odd man out, so to speak...
I am so sorry what I said was taken the wrong way--I won't speak again unless I know all the facts, ok? (which will be impossible, since every story/fact is different) again, I apologize...it hurts so sorry

No need to apologize, for me at least. I took your post to mean that you were feeling positive about your experience, and as you say "alright with being adopted."

I know for many people the idea of being grateful is a hot button issue, and I can understand the reasons why. However, for those who truly do feel grateful, why shouldn't they be allowed to express that?

[TxMom65]

I'm glad you feel happy with your adoption. It is my goal, as an adoptive parent, for my daughter to feel as loved as if I had given birth to her.

I also juggle wanting her to feel free to talk about her feelings of adoption, being able to honor her birth family and trying to make up for a few years lost to foster care.

She was chosen. I met her at the school where I teach and she was in foster care. We worked hard to adopt her but I don't want her to feel 'saved' or rescued. I feel like I've seen a miracle in her and all in all, we just want to be a normal family. I come here to help find that balance.

[crick]

I've deleted a few posts on here.

Whether anyone agrees or supports someone's personal feelings or opinions or not, responses MUST be respectful.

Rude and sarcastic responses will continue to be deleted and it's not going to be tolerated here at all. So if anyone lurking here decides to post, please be sure your post is in line with our rules of respect.

[andraya]

Originally Posted by rsummitt

I am so sorry to those I offended. I just wanted to put something positive out there--I'll admit..I was hoping for the off-chance that someone might take notice and know that I am alright with being adopted...and my aparents made me feel special and sure that I was one of the family...and not the odd man out, so to speak...
I am so sorry what I said was taken the wrong way--I won't speak again unless I know all the facts, ok? (which will be impossible, since every story/fact is different) again, I apologize...it hurts so sorry

For the most part I am ok with being adopted. I can't change it, what's done is done. My amom was an amazing person and more than made up for my adad and his abusive ways. It isn't the fact that adoptions can, and do, turn out wonderfully for those involved, it is the propaganda and lies spewed out by the industry that bugs me. The notion that ALL children are better off being raised by two parent families and that young mothers can't be good parents. Young and single parents can and are amazing parents all the time. Just because we are adopted doesn't mean that our first moms wouldn't have been good parents. IMHO it more often means that they succumbed to the pressures placed on them. That is doubled when you are talking about adoptees from the baby scoop era. Today with open adoption, more adoptive family resources and better understanding of adoptee loss adoption is somewhat better. Yet the stigma behind it continues, the lies and assumptions continue. That is what gets to me.

As well, it isn't a matter of not speaking up. It is a matter of accepting that the vast majority of first moms wouldn't have done a half bad job given the opportunity. Not so long ago I was stuck in the fog of adoption-land, thinking that if I hadn't been adopted my life would have been crap. Deep down I always hoped that my first mom would turn out to be a warm, caring and wonderful woman but I didn't allow myself to reason out what it could have been like for her. Once we reunited I saw that woman I had hoped and longed for, the good mother, the good parent, the good person. Seeing that I started to understand that all the crud I had been fed; bad blood, didn't want me, couldn't raise me etc, was nothing but horse feathers fed to me by ignorant people who didn't want to accept that, YES!, young mothers can be all those wonderful things. For me it has been a decade long journey of realizations and healing.

Seriously, if you haven't already done so, read "The Girls Who Went Away" and "The Primal Wound". One will leave you with a better idea of what our first moms had to endure so we could go to that "better family and better life", the other will leave you with understanding about adoptee loss and how we mask the pain, sometimes without even seeing we are doing so..

[gigglessa]

just wondering, are you in reunion?
I always felt grateful for my afamily, even if it was almost like a foster care situation. Not a good situation at all.
Then I reunited with my mother and all my feelings were out the window. It changed alot in me. I was happy sad, mad, etc.
Things change with reunion, at least for me.
I am so glad you had a great family.
Good Luck,
linda

[D28Bob]

I agree completely with Andraya, especially on her book recommendations; they may not be the FIRST books adoptees should read, but they are the most important ones.

As far as feeling chosen - my aparents never tried to lay that on me, but when I asked why I was adopted they said that they had tried to have children and it was not going to happen, so they chose to adopt.

Although I understand today that it is a special grace to love and raise a child not connected to you genetically, to me as a child my only thought was that I was their second choice - that had they had children naturally, I would either not exist or be in a completely different family. Just the way I saw it at the time. But I have to wonder what today's adoptees feel when their parents explain the years and costs of fertility treatment before they finally give up and adopt?