[greendragonfly1028]

Hi,

A little background...


My husband and I started our dating relationship while I was pregnant. He has been a part of my daughter's life since before she was born. He adopted her when she was 2; he is the only daddy she knows. I am in contact with her biological grandmother. Her father just had another child. I am trying to figure out if I should tell my daughter that her daddy is not her father or not. I found out at 18 the man that I thought was my father was not. It was one of the most devestating things that has ever happened to me. I don't want my daughter to ever feel that kind of hurt or anger. My daughter is now 5 1/2. Please help.

[susieloo]

its time to tell her...no time will be easy, but the younger the easier. Secrets and lies just don't work. You will be fine, and so will she when honesty prevails.
Good luck
susie

[majicka414]

I have to agree, I'd tell her now. I couldn't imagine how devestating it would have been to my life to find out when I was older that I was adopted.

[hrisme]

I agree as well, tell her in a developmentally appropriate way. "X is your daddy, he loves you and took care of you since you were a baby, but Y helped me to make you." This, of course, may lead into a talk on the birds and the bees--but at this age she is likely ready for simple explanations. I wouldn't make a big deal of it, more than likely she won't care for much information--but at least it is out in the open & she knows it is okay to ask questions when she has them.

[MagicBlueDragon]

Here's our story... a little different, but a little the same...

My husband and I have been together for over 11 years now and he came into my daughter's life when she was 2. He has never formally adopted her, but he is "Daddy" for sure! Biodad lives less than 20 miles from us, and though he has expressed interest in seeing our daughter, he's almost never gotten around to doing so. He's had a dozen visits in as many years, if even that. We called him "Daddy Nick" when she was younger, though my daughter has demoted him to just "Nick" nowadays. My husband was, and still is, just "Daddy"

Since my daughter's 13 now, she can rationalize and make sense of why her dad's a deadbeat. Even when she was 8 though, and what teachers called "mature" for her age, she had a hard time understanding why her biodad didn't want to see or spend time with her. She asked me "Why doesn't Daddy Nick want to see me? Does he not like me?" *gulp* I remember how palpable the rejection was in her voice, and how big the lump in my throat was when I tried to explain it to her.

So, for that reason, I might wait a few years or until she asks the "where did I come from?" question. I was about 5 or 6 when I found out I was adopted, but that was because I asked. (Precocious little me thought I "knew" all babies came from their Mommy's tummy, so I was sure I knew the answer already...) Boy, was it a shock when Mom said I didn't come from her tummy!! LOL

I think honesty is the best policy, of course, but if she doesn't ask, there's no reason to push the issue. It sounds as though she knows who her true Daddy is, and that's what counts most for a girl of any age.

[Sylvan]

I'm really not sure what is the *correct* age to learn about being adopted.

I too was precocious and asked the magic question "am i adopted" when i was about 7. My parents used that as the pivot point for telling both me and my younger sister who was 5 1/2 at the time.

For some reason we had very different reactions. I was excited by the knowledge and wanted to know as much as i could, but readily accepted it and it really didn't change anything for me. I did always wonder if i was a princess and someday my first mother would find me and i'd know more, but it was more of a daydream than an obsession. I never even attempted a search until i was in my 30s.

My younger sister reacted very badly. She began using phrases like "you're not my real mother" and "my real mother wouldn't do that" To this day (she's 43 now) she is very angry about being adopted and seems ashamed as well. She has not told her own children about it and refuses to discuss it with anyone.

I do wonder sometimes if she might have been too young when she found out - but who knows.

It is discouraging that the one person in my life who i should be able to talk to about being adopted is a closed book and doesn't even want to acknowledge my recent reunion