[Elsa Marie]

how would anyone know that they were adopted? My stepson will be joining the service and he doesn't know that he is adopted. His adoptive parents have their own reasons for not telling him and, even though I have made my own feelings known to my darling husband, I do not feel that it is my place to tell their son the truth. He is an inter-family adoption so his original birth certificate has his original first and last names (those were never changed). He was adopted at least 6-12 months after his birth (my husband doesn't remember his exact age because he has always lived with them).

From what I have read it is very difficult for a person to see their original birth certificate so how would any other agency be able to find out if someone has been adopted? If my stepson applied for a passport, he would present his adoptive birth certificate, so how would the passport office know if he was adopted? He wants to go into a particular branch of the service which might require a security check, so how would they know that he is adopted if he doesn't know?

[paigeturner]

None of the situations you've listed will reveal the truth to your step son. Tell your husband to rest easy. He can continue the lies indefinitely.

[RavenSong]

If your stepson undergoes a security clearance, they might very well find out that he is adopted if they run his birth certificate's registration number in the state's birth database. A lot of states, including my own state of California, use the same registration number for the amended birth certificate that was issued for the original birth certificate. If he was born in a state that uses the same registration numbers for both birth certificates, the database will show he was issued 2 BCs.

[BrandyHagz]

My state, Texas, had some stupid format for their BC's that made it impossible for an adopted person to clear Homeland Security and get a Passport. When you apply, they send you a letter saying, "You're Birth Certificate has been Amended and requires the additional information". Then you have to call the State of Texas and speak to their "Adoptions Unit" and get it fixed.

How said that you're husband can't see that he's doing more harm than good.

He'll find out - if not before they die, most certainly after they die...these kinds of things have a way of making their self known. As an adopted adult, I feel sad that he's been lied to all his life by the one set of people he's supposed to be able to trust...

[Elsa Marie]

Is Oklahoma like Texas? Would his adoption birth certificate have the same number as his original birth certificate?

[Elsa Marie]

I agree Brandy. It was my argument to my husband. That he should be told by the ones who love him. The problem is that they are afraid of what his reaction to the news will be. I believe that they would rather deal with it when and if it happens in their lifetime.

[paigeturner]

Elsa,

You're sort of in a tough position aren't you. I don't envy you or your husband, but as time goes on it's just gonna get worse. Good luck to you and your family.

[rcwilcox]

Depending on the level of security clearance, you may be required to provide a case number if you are adopted. I knew I was adopted and provided the number. Not sure if I had not checked the 'adopted' box (if I had not known) if the application would have bounced back for BC ammended reasons.

[Drywall]

Elsa Marie...amended birth certificates carry some type of coding so that they can go back to the original.

The info will come out at some time, so it is a matter of who tells him. Someone who loves him or a stranger who gets the information through some form of government security.

No one knows a story better than those who are living through it, but I would suggest, ( for your evaluation) that the family get together and pick a time to tell him...get as many family members involved as are appropriate to the situation...that way he will hear what's said by all the family members and he can believe that they all have his best interest at heart. When he is told it will be a time for the family to demonstrate that there is love, and caring for him.

I wish you the best.

[imprttuner2]

I hold a Top Secret Clearance, Speant 5 years Active Duty and Did background checks for the Army. There is absolutely no reason that being adopted will ever come up. There will never be any information disclosed during or after the clearance screening. It is a sealed record. Even if he was in some way able to look, there would be no mention of it. Adoption is a null issue. They will not go back thru medica records prior to the age of 10-14 depending on how old your step son is. You have nothing to worry about.

[KittyMay]

In Illinois, when I went years ago to get a birth certificate I they had to mail it to me because it was somehow "flagged". Now had I not known I was adopted, I would have investigated it further and found out. Then I would have been horribly disappointed to know that the secret was kept from me. What about instances where there is a big secret and then someone needs a kidney, bone marrow, etc? Do you just go through all that testing knowing there is no hope of a match or what? It's his right to know. I'm not envious of you and I wish you the best.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by Elsa Marie

His adoptive parents have their own reasons for not telling him and, even though I have made my own feelings known to my darling husband, I do not feel that it is my place to tell their son the truth.

Dear Elsa Marie,
What a tough bind you're in! It's a shame that your hubbie and his relatives are too gutless to stop the lies. May I suggest that you get a copy of one of the adoption books about how to break the news of adoption to a family member, read it and then give it to your husband for discussion?

If I were in your shoes, I'd feel absolutely awful that I was being implicated in a collusion of silence and a 'passing the buck' scenario. And I recognise that being a stepparent has its own challenges of boundaries of intervention. However, for the sake of the adopted person, I would still say to my hubbie that if he and his relatives won't break the news to your stepson, then I would. Adoption should be about the best interests of the child/adopted person. Your stepson's needs come first. And since you're all adults - I'd broach the topic as simply one caring adult to another. I'm sure that your stepson will feel angry that he's not hearing it from his father, so perhaps you can also add that for whatever reason, it is a difficult topic for his father to discuss.

I know it's ultimately not really your responsibility to tell your stepson - it's your hubbie's. But in the absence of ANYONE having the guts to act in the interests of the child, perhaps you might want to do so.

In the end, your stepson will eventually find out anyway - and do you want to be implicated in this paralysis and collusion of silence?

[Amandak249]

In the end, your stepson will eventually find out anyway - and do you want to be implicated in this paralysis and collusion of silence?

I agree to an extent. It angers me that your husband and the rest of the people originally and directly involved in the adoption have opted to take the route of secrecy- but I don't think its your place.

As others have posted it seems that the probability of your stepson finding out in the fashion you are suggesting is very small.

Your stepson has a right to know, and I think you should do everything in your power to facilitate your husband and family in telling him the truth. but i think you personally should stay out of it. This secret will run it's course, and it most likely will be found out. In my opinion this is not your battle to fight. Many people are suggesting that your stepson may be very angry with you when/if he finds out that you kept this secret from him as well- but what if he ISN'T happy to know? You'll instantly become the bad guy, whereas if he does find out on his own and is angry that no one ever told him- he will most likely be angriest with his parents- the ones who were SUPPOSED to tell him all his life.

Just my 2 cents.

[dpen6]

I know somone that this happened to.

Granted, he was not legally adopted, he was just handed over to friends without any legel documents. He tried to go into the service and lo and behold thers was no such person as him. Thats when he found out he was "adopted". He eventually cleared it up but he went through hell to clear it up. He wasaslo hurt for therest of his life...he hated his adoptive parents they were neglectful, abusive and alcoholics he ran away at 16. Whyen he found out that he was adopted he found his bparents and they were just as bad as his adoptive parents. SAD....

The b certificate may be ok to join the service, by abrother was in the army years ago and therewas never any trouble....but he could eventually find out....

Poor kid...

[bakerjw]

Thump your husband on the head for not telling him. Finding out that you were adopted that late in life is bad enough. People finding out that late in life know that their adopted parents have been deceiving them for all of those years. Then imagine the extra level of emotional turmoil that can be created by finding out that their biological parents were complicit in the deception.

When, not a matter of if, he finds out he is probably going to be PO'd big time at both his adopted and biological parents. But then again sometimes the most illogical emotions come in to play and it may be no big deal. In this case I'd put my money on the PO'd response.

I get frustrated to no end that people do these things to adoptees.
Sorry to rant but he should be told. It is the right thing to do.