[blue37]

Hello everyone,
Since I don't know for what he is going Through his feelings and thoughts, your experience may help me to help him.
I have been married for 4 years, yesterday I told my husband that I knew he was adopted and he needed to know about that. He is in such pain and now I feel so sad and kind of guilty for that. I took me to long to decide if I should tell him or not...I spoke with his adoptive mother ( I really think she hates me) to please talk to him and put that in the open...she didn't and I felt it was my duty/obligation as a wife to let him know about that. his adoptive father passed away couple years ago and nothing happened back then. I was afraida that his amother could die and she never told him. anyway.. Now my husband knows and he is really hurt, he told me that sometimes is better to be blissfully ignorant, it wasn't my thing to tell... my mother in law doesn't know that I told him.

so now what.....
if there is anyone who can help us, I love my husband and I want to support him but I don't know how.

[curiositykitten]

The situation that you are in is very difficult. It's not good to keep secrets like that for so many years. However your husband may be going through a landmind field of feelings right now, hurt, anger, betrayal and more.

As far as it not being your thing to tell I think that's very subjective. If you felt that this was necessary for him to know, and no one else was going to tell him, then I think you did what you felt was the right thing.

Just know that this was probably a huge shock for him and he'll be doing through a range of emotions about this and the best thing you can do is try to support him through it all.

[Susshy]

I don't think it was your place to tell him. Why on earth would you want to hurt him like that?

[Howdy]

Originally Posted by blue37

.. I was afraida that his amother could die and she never told him. anyway.. Now my husband knows and he is really hurt, he told me that sometimes is better to be blissfully ignorant, it wasn't my thing to tell... my mother in law doesn't know that I told him...

Oh that sounds awkward, is your mother-in-law likely to give you a hard time? I'd be quaking, but I am a wimpy person about confrontation!

I think you did the right thing by telling, because he could just as easily have felt betrayed if he found out eventually and then found out you knew but didn't tell him.

It will take him some time (maybe quite a bit of time) to psychologically digest the information. All of a sudden he isn't exactly who he thought he was.

[curiositykitten]

Originally Posted by Susshy

I don't think it was your place to tell him. Why on earth would you want to hurt him like that?

Just some food for thought...

What if she didn't tell him and he found out that she knew already and kept it from him?

I don't know what the -ultimate- right thing to do in a situation like that would be but I think that could 'hurt' him just as badly as he's hurting right now if he felt like he was the last to know.

[Oceans]

Susshy - That was my knee jerk reaction as well but then I thought, if my spouse knew something like that about me and DIDN'T tell...... OUCH!! and that would be my minimal response.

I think it's good, that if they never told, he didn't grow up suspecting - or never had reason to suspect. That is to his parents credit altho I think it was very wrong they never told. I don't know how old he is but it could be just a product of the times.

I agree you were put in an impossible situation and did the right thing if his parents were not going to tell. It will take time to adjust but he will get there. This is a great place to find support and learn about the effects of adoption. I am glad you found it! Best of luck to you!

[meghann]

Originally Posted by Susshy

I don't think it was your place to tell him. Why on earth would you want to hurt him like that?

She didn't hurt him. His parents did, by keeping it from him for so long.

It's not the telling that hurts, it's that it was a secret in the first place.

[sarah16]

I want to know what's wrong with the MIL that she told the wife but not her son that he was adopted? Did she just not want to be the one to tell him but really wanted him to know?

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Do you mind me asking how YOU were able to find this out but not him?

I think I would not have told him, but would have said, "Your mother is keeping something from you that she needs to tell you herself and I think you should go and speak to her today."

His mother has a right to defend her reasons for keeping quiet (even if it was wrong).

I think if he has not spoken to his mother, you need to bite the bullet and let her know that you told him. Yes, she will be mad but there can't be any healing until he and she talk.

Kim

[chickymum]

I would hate to think that my husband knew something so huge about me and kept it from me. I think it was right for you to tell him. You are his wife and there should not be secrets between you.
I would imagine a of lot his pain is coming from feeling a certain amount of betrayal. It is good that you are not being a part of that. And if he is feeling a little upset towards you then I am sure he will see the big picture in the end and appreciate that you did what you had to do.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by meghann

She didn't hurt him. His parents did, by keeping it from him for so long.

It's not the telling that hurts, it's that it was a secret in the first place.

Thank you. Beautifully put.

[blue37]

Thank you all of you for your responses. Thank you for your support. I am in pain too. I know I hurt him really bad but telling him something that it wasn't my thing to do, but I said before my mother in law wasn't going to tell him. I spoke to her several times and she was giving me excuses. Her adp. father died probably 3 years ago and she did not say anithyng to him. She is been keeping this so secret that she keeps his birth certification papers and passport and everithig so he doesn'k know. What I was supusso to do, I knew this real information and I was supussed to pretend to be blind and not being loyal to him.... ? how he could trust me in the future...? and if we had kids in the future just pretend about genetics...no I couldn't go like that anymore. it was afecting me. her secrets and manipulations were efecting us, our marriage.
I don't know if we are going to be together anymore and it took courage to do it. we might not be together or maybe we are going to be together.

But I just want to let you know that it wasn't easy At ALL....

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

That's what I figured when I asked how you found out. If she was willing to spill the beans to you, but then could not (would not) tell her son....it sounds like to me that she wanted YOU to do her dirty work. And then she put you in a position that forced you to.

I hope your husband is beginning to digest some of this. Was he able to go to work today? He may need to seek some counseling, but I think he and his mother will both need to go (and you as well if you feel it necessary).

Has he spoken to his mother yet or have you told her that he knows?

I am so sorry that you were put into this situation. It was her place to tell, but it sounds to me like she would have taken it to her grave as well.

Kim

[meghann]

blue37:

I've never been in your position, but I really feel like you did the right thing by telling him. Whether it was your place to tell, or whether your MIL should have told is irrelevant to me - the important thing is that you had critical information about your husband's origins & you could not in good conscience keep it from him once you knew about it. He had to know - he *deserved* to know - and if his MIL wasn't going to tell him, then you had to. Please don't second-guess yourself about that.

Secrets are a bad thing - that is one thing about your situation that I do know, from the bottom of my heart. And I think you were right to get this secret out into the open.

All you can do now is try to support your husband however he needs you to as he works through everything in his head & comes to grips with this newfound reality. Listen to him, talk to him, give him a hug - let him know you're there for him. I imagine his sense of security has been rocked pretty hard by such a huge revelation, and he needs to know that at least *you* are something solid he can lean on for a while.

I wish you the best of luck with it all.

[loveajax]

I just wanted to echo what Meghann said. Your MIL is a real piece of work and should be ashamed of herself for A) never telling your DH and B) putting you in that position. I think you definitely did the right thing. Hang in there!