[jenniferm.bailey]

Originally Posted by meghann

She didn't hurt him. His parents did, by keeping it from him for so long.

It's not the telling that hurts, it's that it was a secret in the first place.

ABSOLUTELY!!! thank you for your response!!

The husband/wife relationship is a sacred thing. I would be DEVESTATED knowing my husband knew such an life altering secret from me..

Please understand your husband is going through HUGE processing of this. His truth as he understood has been FOREVER changed. It will take a while (maybe even years) to process everthing. Would your husband be willing to talk to a therapist to help him process these feelings?

I wish people understood before making snap judgements that there IS NOT textbook procedures for adoption issues. Sure there are general and broad procedures, but EVERY case is indivdual with it's own special cirumstances..

Best of luck to you, please keep us updated.

Jennifer

[EZ2Luv]

I been where your DH is, not about not being told I was adopted, but about who my bmom was. It SUX! Affter finding out who my Bmom was at 48yrs old, it seems that EVERYBDY else knew who she was except me. Good that you told him. To this day I wonder who my real friends are who knew all along and never said a word. Although I CAN understad it no being their place to tell.
I find that the longer lies remain lies the harder it is to finallycome clean with the truth.

EZ

[quilliam]

I feel that you did the right thing by telling him. It was best coming from you (OR your MIL telling him), than someone else, especially if someone else knew. Your relationship would of been based on a lie, as you knew something that was so major about himself.

I say this in good intention and not anything against you....Just stating that it's best to come from a loved one. In High School I remember hearing about another student, telling a girl she was Adopted...she never knew before! She never knew that her Aunt was really her BMother and her AMother was really her Aunt. She took it very hard and went from being a nice girl to a "bad girl." Getting wild with the boys and turned into an entirely different person. I wonder what the outcome would had been if her AMother would of told her the TRUTH directly?

My fiancee' was to never know that he was Adopted and didn't find out until he was ten years old, after his Adopted Father died. His Adad never wanted them (he and his NON-Bio Asister) to know. Then when he finally asked his AMom about his Adoption, when he was 53 now he's 54, she told him, nothing but fairy tales surrounding his Adoption, as she never wanted him to find out who his Bio Mother/Family were. He ended up finding his BMom, just four days before his AMom died.

I could of never held a secret like this in my relationship, as I certainly couldn't live with myself. I don't understand why your husband never needed any of his important papers like a Birth Certificate before, for like a Driver's License and other such things, where he has never had access to it before?
I certainly hope that you still have a relationship with your husband and that he doesn't hold it against you for telling. As time passes, he may be grateful that you did tell but in the meantime, as earlier stated, he is going to need alot of comfort, love, support and know that you are there for him.

[BBChurch]

Hi Blue,

I think your mother-in-law put you in a very terrible position in the first place. She tried to make you a hostage to her secret. You know, your husband's adoption impacts not only him, but you and your children, should you choose to have any. I have a dear friend whose father was adopted and never told. His wife knew, her mother-in-law told him shortly after they were married. He found out when he was 73, and was broken-hearted that every one he loved in his life knew but didn't tell him. I imagine that this is true in your husband's life too, everyone who loves him has lied to him.

Be strong for him. Telling him his truth is the most loving thing you could do for him.

(I found out I was adopted when I was 36, after my parents died. My whole family knew.)

Originally Posted by blue37

Hello everyone,
Since I don't know for what he is going Through his feelings and thoughts, your experience may help me to help him.
I have been married for 4 years, yesterday I told my husband that I knew he was adopted and he needed to know about that. He is in such pain and now I feel so sad and kind of guilty for that. I took me to long to decide if I should tell him or not...I spoke with his adoptive mother ( I really think she hates me) to please talk to him and put that in the open...she didn't and I felt it was my duty/obligation as a wife to let him know about that. his adoptive father passed away couple years ago and nothing happened back then. I was afraida that his amother could die and she never told him. anyway.. Now my husband knows and he is really hurt, he told me that sometimes is better to be blissfully ignorant, it wasn't my thing to tell... my mother in law doesn't know that I told him.

so now what.....
if there is anyone who can help us, I love my husband and I want to support him but I don't know how.

[i_love_lorelai]

IMO his mom wouldn't have told you if she didn't want him to know. My guess is that she knew you'd do the dirty work for her. Not only would you tell her you'd become a scape goat for blame.

You did the right thing.

All he needs now is to process things and for you to be there for him.

[CaddoRose]

I think you did the right thing by telling him because the MIL was manipulating you to her own ends. She should have told him, but since she involved you, told you and then wanted you to lie to your husband, she is the one at fault. Hopefully your DH will come to understand that the MIL was using you against him and that by telling, you effectively removed her advantage and that you ARE THE HONEST ONE. Secrets kill relationships. It was obvisouly killing you. Please seek professional counseling for both of you.

[Susshy]

Originally Posted by meghann

She didn't hurt him. His parents did, by keeping it from him for so long.

It's not the telling that hurts, it's that it was a secret in the first place.

Actually even as his wife it was not her place to tell him. Nor were his parents wrong for not telling him. The problem has risen in this new age when everyone thinks that kids should be told.

[specialk4b]

Now that you've told him, he needs your support. Your husband's whole world and identity has been shaken. He feels betrayed, lost and angry. He will need to know that your love for him didn't and doesn't hang on whether he was adopted. He may wonder about his birthmother and the circumstances surrounding his relinquishment. He may wonder if he was unwanted and unloved.

At least that's how I would feel if I just found out.

[BrandyHagz]

The problem has risen in this new age when everyone thinks that kids should be told.

Interesting comment - I wonder how we got to this 'new age'? Maybe we learned the 'old way' wasn't working?

Remember, adoption wasn't always the 'old way' - it wasn't until the 40's, 50's and 60's that adoption became a secret...prior to that, adoption was much as it was today (open and non-secret) - and it changed because one lady, who changed adoption from a social welfare practice to a lucrative business practice, needed a way to keep families from finding the children she'd illegally kidnapped and sold to adoptive families for what would now be in excess of $50K.

Clearly, that didn’t work and there are many social studies that support it. I am not talking about open adoption - I am talking about honesty in adoption.

[babsie]

I found out when I was 27 - one of those OH ****! moments. I was 3000 miles from home at my cousins' in Long Beach. My adoptive dad's niece thought I had been told long before - I already had had my daughter. How did I feel? Weird, to say the least. Angry is a good word. Angry that I hadn't been told, angry that now WHO AM I? And most of all WHY didn't anyone tell me before this?? The one person I wasn't angry with was my cousin, who told me. To her I was grateful. It all came up in a conversation and she just figured I knew. When I got home I checked in with my mom and dad and mentioned to my mom that her niece said something about my being adopted. I knew I was being unfair, and in a way I felt she deserved a jolt of reality. My dad had always wanted to tell me.
Now what do you do? You let him ask questions, get mad and upset but be there to support him. Help him search, if he wants to. Suggest to him to speak with someone - his adoptive mom, a minister/rabbi/priest;etc. The more he finds out about the circumstances the better he'll feel. It's a long process. Be patient. I was glad I found out as an adult because I could handle it - or rationalize it - better. I am 56 now and both my adoptive parents are gone. I loved them very much prior too and afterward. They were my folks; nothing will ever take that away. Don't blame yourself. There is a silver lining there. You have to go from now. I still resent some things, some stories told, but I have never resented the person(s). I have reunited with my birth family (though my mother and father are dead, too). My mother is buried at Arlington National Cemetery and I visit her there when I'm back home in DC. It all becomes a tale of sorts, a search for his personal history. Just let him know you're willing to journey with him, the paths you can.
Good luck to you both.

[ocracoke]

Originally Posted by Susshy

Actually even as his wife it was not her place to tell him. Nor were his parents wrong for not telling him. The problem has risen in this new age when everyone thinks that kids should be told.

Just a friendly reminder that in this particular case he was not a "kid" that was being told. He was an adult. And while people may have their individual reasons for telling or not at some point that adoptive "kid" becomes an adult and should be treated as such. As an adoptee I think Blue did the right thing -- no matter how hard it is to get through it. And as an adoptive mom I think Blue's husband's adoptive mom did the wrong thing. Adoptive parents need to build their relationships on honesty -- just like any other parent. You can't expect to lie to your child all of their life and not hurt them when the truth comes out.

JMO,
Samantha

[bprice215]

What's right and wrong is hard to say, but you did the only thing you could have done. You proved your love by telling him, you never once betrayed him, his parents did. Support him, be there for him, love him. It'll all work out in the end, as devestating as this must be for him, you did the only thing you could have done. You are a great wife, let no one deny that to you.
bprice215

[MixedBliss]

Originally Posted by Susshy

Actually even as his wife it was not her place to tell him. Nor were his parents wrong for not telling him. The problem has risen in this new age when everyone thinks that kids should be told.

Ah, wonderful. Another person who just doesn't get it.

[snuffie]

Ohh, I agree with Mixed Bliss. I felt my tummy knot as I read what Susshy said.
I do not agree at all that this is a "new age" thing. To me knowing heritage etc. is a timeless thing. Secrets are a huge detriment to our very souls. How can the game of "pretend" that adoption is be healthy for anyone if we are not at some point let in on the "secret"? Without knowing we won't have a knowledge that our aparents medical history is not our own for one thing. I read another article on the hereditary factor in certain cancers. Should we remain clueless and therefore not have the proper screening or "watchful" eye on our health? Health info. has been a case of life and death in my situation.

And why should everyone else know but not us something that is an intricate part of us? Why should other arelatives etc. know something intimate about us and we not have a clue?

I could go on and on!

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by snuffie

Ohh, I agree with Mixed Bliss. I felt my tummy knot as I read what Susshy said.
I do not agree at all that this is a "new age" thing. To me knowing heritage etc. is a timeless thing. Secrets are a huge detriment to our very souls. How can the game of "pretend" that adoption is be healthy for anyone if we are not at some point let in on the "secret"? Without knowing we won't have a knowledge that our aparents medical history is not our own for one thing. I read another article on the hereditary factor in certain cancers. Should we remain clueless and therefore not have the proper screening or "watchful" eye on our health? Health info. has been a case of life and death in my situation.

And why should everyone else know but not us something that is an intricate part of us? Why should other arelatives etc. know something intimate about us and we not have a clue?

I could go on and on!

snuffie,

I felt the same as you but realized that comment was so "out there" I just blew it off.

What cracks me up is the total lack of respect given to us , based on comments like that for adopted people. I really think that the common misconception about adopted people is that we need to be told how to feel as we are incapable of "understanding" how it really is after all the whole world knows better then us and our needs are to threatneing for some people. GEESH..how did I make to the age of 50, actually growing up, married for 26 years, 5 children, and a profession! But really am incapable of understanding what adoption and the needs of the child might be.

And I consider my adoption a "success".

mixedblessings....yup another one!