[face2faceintime]

I recently received a call form a young man who said he was my son. The name he gave me was not the name I thought 'my son' had...(another long story) but hey, I had been waiting for this call for 22 years and the joy I had in that instant was immeasurable. Documents he had in front of him as he spoke clearly identified me as his bmom. We talked for nearly 40 minutes, as we shared clif note versions of our lives. We made plans to meet the next week and bring pictures. The next day he was ALL I thought about. What a gift! My son's adoption was "closed," but in Kansas, the adoptee can go find a bparent after they're 18. The only thing that was weird was that the name I thought my son had was actually on this young man's paperwork as well. That raised some questions. Well, to make a long story short, 2 days after the phone call, this young man and I sat across a table from each other looking over his paperwork to try and make sense of it all...and we did. He had the same sir name as mine and someone in the department of C and F Services "overlapped" (as they put it) his information with my son's. I cannot describe the grief. Here was this vulnerable young man sitting before me with a hole in is heart and here I was, realizing for the first time since I walked away from my baby in the hospital, how deep the pain and longing still is after all these years. Of course I think of my son frequently, but when the possibility of connection became a reality, I realized I had been stuffing more emotion over the loss than I was aware of. Now the wait for my son is so painful. I don't know if he even wants to find me. And then this young man...he's faced with another journey, another phone call, and what if she doesn't want to be found or can't be?? It's so unbelievable!

[lakewoman5822]

wow. that's stinks i'm really so sorry this happened. you guys must both be in a topsy-turvey hell of a place.

so, if i understand correctly, you had not been searching before? either way, do you plan to now?

xoxo

[face2faceintime]

When you're in a closed adoption, a notice of the hearing is sent anyway (usually) and although I waived my right to be there, the name of the county he would be living in was named. Because I am very familiar with that county, and based on the general info I got from my attorney about the adopting family, I was able to deduce what town he was in. Then, 9 months later, I was in a nursing home in that town and...this is so cool and soooo long, anyway, and a woman was showing pictures she'd recieved from her various friends, and I know this sounds crazy, but there was my son. The woman described the family in almost exactly the same way my attorney had almost a year earlier, only adding "and their newly adopted son..." I was in shock. I went into the hallway to collect myself and this nurse came up to see if I was OK. I just spilled everything about who I was. I told her I NEVER wanted them to know I found out b/c I didn't want them to worry that I would breach our agreement. She seemed to understand and preceeded to tell me how happy he was and that she knew them personally and how great they were. I took that as God's little gift to me, letting me know my son was OK. Then, 15 years later, when I was in a completely different city, I met a young man at my church, who was also from that town. I couldn't resist asking if he knew the family and not only did he know them...his younger, adopted brother was best friends with my son! So then I got another gift...how he was, what his interests were. It was so great, and b/c this young man was well acquainted with the adoption process, he respected the need to keep this revelation confidential. I was so thankful to have such a peace about my son's life. Now, obviously, it was so possible that I was wrong. It could all be a coincidence, and there could be another boy of the same age in the same county with parents in the same careers and sibilings fitting the exact descriptions....but so doubtful, as this community was so small. So when you fast forward to last week, and "the wrong son" shows up with MY paperwork...everything was confirmed. My son is exactly who I thought he was, living exactly where I thought he was. I wrote my attorney b/c I want to make sure that MY son has access to the correct information if/when he decides to find me, but other than that, I doubt if I do anything. I'm just thinking that if he was/ is interested in connecting with me then he will make a move, and if not, then I don't want to bother him. My hope upon hope is of course that he will. I wrote him a letter right before he was born indicating my desire to see him always, and I was told by my attorney that his parents would give it to him when he was ready to understand his situation. So, I pretty sure he knows I want to see him when he's ready.

[lakewoman5822]

wow! you were really lucky!!!! ny concern, which is baed on personal experience, is that he will feel the famous "second rejection" if he finds out you aren't looking. also, there was the same set up originally with my real mother. to give the info. yeah....right. never happened. he verrrrrrry likely does NOT NOT NOT have the info to find you.

[face2faceintime]

I'm hoping my attorney can clear that up. Quite honestly, the person who kinda screwed all this up in the first place feels so badly that I'm sure she would look up the files for me if I asked...as opposed to waiting for my son to contact them. However, I'll wait to hear from my attorney before I call the department that handled/screwed all this.

[face2faceintime]

also, am I allowed to "look" since it was closed? Obviously, i don't have to look hard.

[Jackiejdajda]

face2faceintime wrote

also, am I allowed to "look" since it was closed? Obviously, i don't have to look hard.

He is 22.. and I believe you are allowed to look.. Heck even just to say you have some medical information and here is your contact if you want it..
No blame there..
You wrote in your first post that a lot of your issues are coming front and center when you met that adoptee searching..
We talk about that here.. a lot..
We help each other.. and knowing you are not alone in this helps.. IMO

So welcome to the forums..

Jackie

[doinit4me]

Dear Face2face,
I can't begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling right now! To have the hopes of both you and the adoptee dashed so profoundly because of a mistake that should have been avoidable...my heart goes out to you both!

I really hope that everything works out for you and that you can have the reunion that you're hoping for. (And I really hope the young man that you met has some sort of suport system. It's hard enough to do it the first time, much less having to go through first contact a second time.)

Again, good luck!
Lori

[riarecht]

Dear face2faceintime,
My heart goes out to you as well. When I met my bmother for the first time I was emotional, but as a mother I imagined her pain to be deeper than mine. i had been raised by very loving good people so some of my emptiness had been filled, though this was her first chance to see her natural born daughter, her only child. again, as a mother the pain of coming so close can be more traumatic than an aactual reunion. the state laws where you reside are much more lenient than where I live, so I'm sure you'll find eachother one day.

[face2faceintime]

Thank you...I'm so glad I found this site and that you all are so responsive and encouraging. Having others to share with, that know exactly what all this feels like is amazing! As for "looking," I guess I'm nervous that I might be stepping in unwanted. I guess I've hung on to the thought that he would contact me when he was ready for soooo long, that since he hasn't, he must not want to. I'm making a HUGE assumption here that 1) his parents gave him the letter that i wrote so long ago, and 2) that he hasn't already tried and received the wrong contact info. Hopefully my attorney can clear up the latter. It's hard to be patient. Did I tell you I looked him up online and saw a recent picture?? It's amazing! The last picture I have is when he was 4 days old, and then boom, 22. I'll take it as another gift.

[face2faceintime]

Thank you, Lori, for sharing such encouragement. I plan to contact the young man who called last week. His birthday is Monday and I already bought him a card. One of the things I had written in my journal about him was that I would have liked meeting him under any circumstance, as he was so genuine and thoughtful and kind. I will tell him that in his birthday card, and hope we stay in touch, as I too hope like crazy that his experience in finding his bmom is a good one.

[face2faceintime]

Thank you...and I'm praying you are right. One of the most exciting things for me will be to jump back on this web site one day and share an incrdible story of reunion with you all!!

[cherilynn68]

wow
how sad for both of you!

I wish you both a quick end to your searching

[jrainbow]

Thank you, Lori, for sharing such encouragement. I plan to contact the young man who called last week. His birthday is Monday and I already bought him a card. One of the things I had written in my journal about him was that I would have liked meeting him under any circumstance, as he was so genuine and thoughtful and kind. I will tell him that in his birthday card, and hope we stay in touch, as I too hope like crazy that his experience in finding his bmom is a good one.

I am so sorry this happened to both of you. You must be an amazing person to think of him while you still must be hurting. Sometimes people are brought together in strange ways and for strange reasons. What a giving thing to do to recognize his birthday.

Good luck to both of you.

[MrsHoot]

Originally Posted by face2faceintime

....I doubt if I do anything. I'm just thinking that if he was/ is interested in connecting with me then he will make a move, and if not, then I don't want to bother him. My hope upon hope is of course that he will. I wrote him a letter right before he was born indicating my desire to see him always, and I was told by my attorney that his parents would give it to him when he was ready to understand his situation. So, I pretty sure he knows I want to see him when he's ready.

My first thought when I read this part was - he may not have the information you think he does. You see, I could have written this part word for word...In my case, my daughters parents did NOT give her the letter, they never mentioned it and she never knew it existed until I mentioned it when trying to confirm her identity.

She told me – “if I had that letter in my possession I would have looked for you years ago!” I was devastated to learn that her parents had withheld this key piece of her history away from her...but they did. She was 22.

IMO: If you want to connect with your son, do so, don’t wait – don’t wait for any reason.

I also wanted to give you (((HUGS))), just for being such a loving soul to the young man lovingly called “the wrong son”. It’s a lovely thing you are doing for him.

Wishing you much peace, love and joy!
C.