[mymotherssacrifice]

As long as I could remember I have always felt different, throughout my life I had pushed the subject with my mother and was always told no you were not adopted. There were lots of red flags like: I look part African American when my family all looks white, I never felt like my mom bonded with me, my little sister who I knew was bio child was very close with our mother, my father would call me the "N" word when I was a teenager (he was an abusive alcoholic), my parents had left me with family friends when I was 3 months old and went to Hawaii for 2 weeks (as a mother I know that no mother could under normal circumstances leave a newborn). I never felt like I had a race or a cultural identity but now that I am pregnant with twins it became apparent to me that I needed to know the truth for medical reasons. My adoptive father has a debilitating degenerative brain disorder and has been in a nursing home since he was 42. It seems to be hereditary since he is the 3rd generation to have a serious brain illness. I am 27 and in my heart knew I was adopted but felt that by some weird chance I wasn't now that I was about to have my 2nd and 3rd child that I had too many responsibilities to just leave my health to fate that once and for all I needed to know if I was going to be crazy in a few years.

So I put a lot of pressure on my mother via email and started pressing her on all the things that didn't add up making me think I was adopted. She only defended or didn't achknowledge things and told me I wasn't adopted. I told her I was sending for test results and in 4-6 weeks would know if I was adopted, still nothing from her, I told her that I hoped she would be honest with me and that if I found out she lied I didn't see how we could continue to have a relationship. I then ordered my preadoption birth record, I didn't know for sure if one would be found, so it was 8 weeks of just checking the mail, either to get a letter saying that one didn't exist or one telling me who I was.

On December 14 my husband checked the mail and there it was. My birth mother's name, father space blank, and a signature as an informant for birth mother that was my adopted mother's signature and her relationship to child listed as Aunt. My biological mother's name was one I had never even heard, I didn't know she existed, though in theory I could have been raised believing she was my aunt. So I called my adopted mother and said I know I was adopted and that Kimberly is my mother. She is reluctant to tell me anything but then she tells me a pretty crazy story. My grandmother had gotten the measels when she was 6 weeks pregnant and that caused the baby to be messed up. Kimberly was born deaf, mute, and blind and never developed beyond that of a 6 month old. She spent her life institutionalized and when she was 18 she was raped by someone that we can assume was a minority and probably a care taker at her facility. She became pregnant with me. My adoptive mother says that no one wanted her to keep me and her family shunned her for adopting me. That Kimberly carried me and then they did a cesarean and I was born. My adoptive mother said that her and my adoptive dad could have sued the home and been millionares but they chose not to to not drag me through the media. My adoptive mother said that Kimberly died a few years after I was born but that she didn't know how.

The shock wore off and I was left with the realization that my mother was an invalid and my father was a rapist. I am still searching for more collaborating evidence, but so far what I have found does support this bizarre story. There is only one thing that doesn't match up, there isn't a death record for my bio mom, and I found an address matching up to her that belongs to a disability service center. I am building up courage right now to call, I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. I felt so much relief finding out I was adopted, it made my life make sense. I hope she is alive, I'd love to meet her and just hold her hand and let her know that I am alright. I feel so grateful to her, and so much sadness when I think of what she must have endured between being raped and carrying me and having me ripped from her body. My adopted mother says that Kimberly didn't feel anything, but I find it hard to believe even if she was super low functioning that she couldn't feel pain. I just want to thank her, in a way I feel like her whole life was just so I could be here and have mine. I mean you can't argue that my bio parents were destined to met, I wasn't an accidental love child by any means but the lust child of a very sick man, and my grandmother was told to abort Kimberly, and I'm sure there were those that thought I should have been aborted, but I'm here, she sacrificed what little humantiy she had, and her body to an extent so that I could be here, so that is why I chose the name my mother's sacrifice.

I am still looking for the truth, I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story and how they dealt with it. I hope to maybe someday write a book about my mothers and my life, I joke about putting my Dad away based on my DNA, hard to prove an invalid was a willing participant. I am a very well grounded spiritual person, happily married, due with my 2nd and 3rd son this April. I am new to my healing process but for me this makes me make sense, it's not my adopted mother's dirty secret, it's where I came from, not who I am. I hope someday I can do something to help others through my experience. My adoptive mother claims she was advised by the courts and doctors to never tell me, but after finding out the hard part has not been my birth story it was the betrayal and lies of my adoptive mother refusing to tell me that hurt the most. She never even had the decency to call and ask how I was doing, and has made me feel like I wanted to know so now I can deal. My adoptive mother and mines relationship had been strained for a while, but through this I have lost all the "family" that I thought I had. Please feel free to share your thoughts.

Amanda (It means worthy of love, I grew up knowing that but it is one of the only thoughtful things that my adopted parents did do for me.)

[jrainbow]

Sacrifice,
I really have nothing to add but sympathy from one adoptee to another. It sounds like you have dealt with a very hard beginning with maturity and courage. I wish you peace and grace in the future.

[PaPAdoptee]

Wow Amanda!

Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm giving you a big hug for your courage to continue getting the truth. I think you're definitely doing the right thing by trying to find your birth mother. You and your husband have created a new standard for the meaning of love and family, which more than makes up for the loss of your a-family. You have a great spirit! (I'm an occupational therapist, so if you have any questions re: the degenerative disease, feel free to ask. I think I know what it is from what you've described.)

[sstuart]

WOW Amanda that is quite a story and you should definitely write a book. I think that you should try to see if the Kimberly is the one you are looking for, she may need someone in her life for "family" as well. And just to have someone there to talk to her and touch her would make her life better. I hope that all goes well for you in your journey. Stacy

[Mrs_Tammy94]

You are looking at it in a very spiritual way. Someone is with you... You were a plan from the beginning. He knows every hair on your head. One thing that I have learned over the years is that before I am a mother, aunt, wife, sister etc.... I am a child of GOD first. I have had my share of disfunction in my family that is for sure.
Anyhow, A friend had told me to read this book...GRACE WALK. I hope you find comfort from it.

[mymotherssacrifice]

Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement. I have not found out anything new yet, but once I do I will post it. Good luck to all of you, and I will have to look into that book.

Amanda

[curiousinmo]

What an inspiration you are Amanda! I'm still pretty new so I'm catching up on these posts. You have an amazing attitude for such a traumatic story (and being pregnant too). I wish you lots of luck, on finding Kimberly and with the new babies!

[RavenSong]

Wow, I don't know how in the world I missed this thread! Amanda, you have a truly amazing story to tell the world. I really think you should write a book!

Like the other posters, I think you should definitely find out if the Kimberly at the disability center is your birthmother. As you said, it would be so wonderful if you could just hold her hand, and tell her you're alright. There's so much we don't know about the human spirit and mind. Even if she doesn't know you, she'll know someone cares about her.

Good luck in whatever you decide, and please let us know how you're doing. God bless...

[dpen6]

Amanda,

have you found out any more information? This story really is something and proof positive how strong the human spirit is, no matter how the people contracted to love us fail miserably.

Please keep us posted.

[mymotherssacrifice]

Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement. I’m glad that others were able to read my story and coincidently bring it back to life when I was due to add an update. Not much had changed until a little over two weeks ago when by chance a friend had felt compelled to buy a newspaper that had an article that made her think about my situation in it. The article was about a man named Jeff, when he was 6 and his little sister was only 3 she was placed into an institution due to having mild retardation, after she disappeared one day his parents told him to never even mention her name and it wasn’t until 47 years later after both of his parents passed that he began his search for his sister. Jeff and his wife, Cindy went on to make a documentary that is extremely well made and touching and also to pass legislature in Oregon to assist people in finding family members that were institutionalized (Their website is wheresmolly.net).

My friend gave me the article in the middle of the night on February 3rd since we were working graveyard and at around 4 am I went on Jeff’s website and emailed him an interest in finding a family member that may have been institutionalized. His wife Cindy emailed me back with the information. I emailed back more details of who I was, and then that Tuesday I got an email from her to call her.

I called her and she told me that she had found someone that remembered my birth mother being pregnant and me, and that if it was okay with me the person would call me that night. So that night I get a call from a woman that remembered my mother because she had been at the same institution as Jeff’s sister, and unbelievably the woman even reported that when I was very small my adoptive mother used to bring me there to see my birth mother. The woman told me that my birth mother was blind and mute and she wasn’t sure if she was deaf or not. She told me that the care givers at the institution were very concerned about my birth mother and very protective of her during her pregnancy and that the man that did this was prosecuted and that he was African American. And then the saddest but most exciting thing she told me was that he had impregnated another disabled woman at the same time and that somewhere out there I have a half sister that is only a few months younger than me.

As you can imagine I was feeling pretty overwhelmed after talking to this woman, and honestly I was still a little bit in disbelief and unsure if I was really who she thought I was. So after that I turned in the paperwork to disability services that was part of the process Jeff and his wife Cindy created so that I could find my birth mother. On Monday the 11th I get a call that they got my paperwork and were able to locate my birth mother, that she is alive and that I am just waiting on her case worker/group home administrator to make a decision. I call the decision makers explaining my situation being that at the time I was 33 weeks pregnant with twins and was hoping for a speedy decision. On Tuesday the group home administrator calls and says that it will take a while because all interested parties need to have a face to face meeting.

I was upset knowing this could take weeks and Cindy called the group home administrator and gave her a peace of her mind since they had specifically made the rules in a way to avoid unnecessary delays in reuniting family members. Then on Wednesday I get a message from the group home administrator that she called all the interested parties and that there were not any objections and that I was welcome to come visit my birth mother.

So I pack my bags, on Thursday the 14th my 22 month old son and I made the 4 hour drive to Portland and then Friday morning Jeff and Cindy met me at my hotel. Jeff was kind enough to offer to video tape the reunion for me and Cindy was going to help me with my son, plus they had been through a similar situation with his sister and were such a source of strength going through this. A little after 11 am we show up at my birth mother’s group home. I walk inside and there is this little tiny woman sitting in a chair. She is blind and due to my grandmother’s illness her eyes are marbleized, she has no way to vocalize, and the home reports she has partial hearing but it is hard to tell because she is so low developmentally that they don’t think she really understands much. I would compare her to maybe a 9 month old. She can walk with assistance but does have to wear depends. She is 47 years old.

I sat down next to her, I held her hand and I rubbed her back since she does like to be touched and I talked softly to her. She was so small and only wears size 1 shoes. It breaks my heart thinking of what my father did to her, and I can’t imagine how she was able to carry me but somehow she did, one of the caregivers told me that they had seen her cesarean scar. Due to her birth defects her body was distorted to the left so it was hard to tell, and I am bigger boned so I’m guessing I got that from my biological father but I could see some of my features in her. We have the same nose and ears, and when I looked at a picture of me at 6 then I could see the similarities even more. She was tired so I didn’t get to visit very long, but now I have peace.

It’s still tough to really accept that mentally my mother is a person that cannot even comprehend who I am, let alone have a real relationship with me. But I am now on her emergency contact list, and will make every effort I can to be a part of her life. At best I hope some day to become familiar to her that to a degree she will recognize me, and I do want my children to grow up knowing who she is.

Now my next step is trying to locate my birth father not to form a relationship but just to know more about his heritage and genetics and possibly to find my half sister if there is any way. I wish you all the best in your own searches and reunions!!!

[TxMom65]

My first thought in reading this is that you must have been a miracle baby. I'm glad that you found her and she has you now.

[mymotherssacrifice]

Thank you. I definitely believe that God's purpose for my life is a lot bigger than I thought, since it has only been two months that I even had confirmation that I was adopted and since then through chance have found out so much and my birth mother. I by no means think God caused this to happen, but I do strongly believe that he was able to turn this tragedy into something positive through me.

Amanda

[alynp]

I admire your strength. This is such an amazing life you have had. I am reminded of a quote, but I can't recall where it came from:

From much adversity comes much strength.

Peace to you and your family.

[dpen6]

Amanda,

I am very glad that you were able to find your bmother. In as much that there is so much sadness to this story there is also so much hope for the human compassion that is exhibited from the people that helped you and from the workers and obvisiouly you. In the beginning of this story the most vunerable were treated horribly, but in the end hopefully love and compassion are what prevail. It does give this somtime cynical mind some hope!

It makes you wonder that even tho' she has the mental capicity of a 9 mo old if she is on some level able to feel your love and have a medicoum of understanding of who you are....

keep us posted on the search foryour half sister.

[sstuart]

Amanda,
I