[BethAF]

Hi,

I've never come on this board before but I thought that adult adoptees would be the best group of people to ask because of your collective experiences.

My husband and I are officially adopting my son next week. He's been with us since he was 2 months old and is now 9 months. We plan on telling him that he's adopted as soon as he can understand and we already read him some adoption books.

My question is... how much do we tell him? It is a closed adoption by his birthmother's choice. We know her first name, medical information, and some other basic info about her. She was given the opportunity to both pick his adoptive family and visit with him in the fosterhome before she relinquished her rights. She chose to do neither.
His birthfather completely denied even being with his birthmother. He was served papers to show up to court to either contest the adoption or voluntarily relinquish his rights. He didn't even show to court. His rights were terminated. (We found out other info that has led us to believe that this man is the birthfather).

I know as our son gets older, his questions about adoption will get more in depth and tougher to answer. I would never want to lie to him. But, at the same time, the truth just seems so harsh. Obviously, I don't know the true feelings and thoughts of his birthparents. But when you look at the circumstances, it really looks as if they just didn't want him.

So, do I tell him that info when he asks? If so, around what age? It's something I think about a lot even though he's only a baby.

Any opinions, thoughts and feelings will be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,

[Juliana13]

Originally Posted by BethAF

Obviously, I don't know the true feelings and thoughts of his birthparents. But when you look at the circumstances, it really looks as if they just didn't want him.

Not an adoptee here - an adoptive mother. Just wanted to interject a thought I had while reading your post. You are right that we obviously don't know the true feelings of his birthparents. It would be nice to have a letter or some type of communication to share with your child, but you don't. But be careful to not put your feelings (or what you think/assume are the birthparent thoughts) into your explanations to your son. Just because she didn't want to see her child, or because she doesn't want contact now (or ever), or chose not to choose the family who would raise them, doesn't mean she didn't/doesn't love him. Some birthmothers seem to want to let go and move on fast (some too fast in my opinion) - but that's their choice. Some however, just can't deal with it. It is too painful. As you browse the forums here, you can learn of posters who loved their child deeply, but chose not to see or hold them in the hospital because that's how they chose to deal with the pain. One even was a "Safe Haven" birthmother - chose safe haven over meeting and choosing the family, but it is VERY obvious how much she loves her child and thinks about her.

As for the birthfather - yeah, it looks like he just didn't want to deal with it - didn't want to acknowledge him. But you can't be sure. My son's birthfather did not acknowledge - but that was because he was married (separated, but married) and acknowledging would have made his divorce messy - and put his custody of his other children in jeopardy - since his wife could prove he cheated. May not be anything like your situation, but you just can't be sure what's going on with them. He could have been scared of legal recourse, and knew that the adoption could go forward with or without his acknowledgement.

Just tell your son that they weren't ready to be parents at the time he was born, and leave out the details that they didn't want to see him. Because maybe they DID want to, just couldn't because of various reasons.

And you can start telling him now, even though he's too young to understand. It makes it easier if it's just been told all along. As I held my infants, I would tell them how lucky I felt that we got to adopt them, and how glad I was that I got to be their mother. Stuff like that. They won't really get it until they are three or so - until they get that babies grow in mom's tummies and you explain that he didn't grow in yours, but in another special woman's. etc. Anyway, those are a few of my thoughts - Good luck, and congratulations!!

[jrainbow]

I am an adult adoptee and I agree with everything that Juliana said. I always knew I was adopted and chosen and, instead of the "birth story" - Mom and Dad told me my adoption story. It is all the same thing - how we became a family and how much they loved me from the moment they saw me. And that is the most important thing for your son to know. That someone loved him enough to give him to you - parents who love him and can raise him. The details aren't important until he asks, and even then, in the best possible light.

Have fun and enjoy him.

[Longtimewaiting]

As a birthmother who was told to move on and not think about your child and we did not receive any counseling in those days (1975), options were not given to us. I would like to say that if there is ANY way that you can find out her last name, do so. You never know, in 15 years, she might want to have contact and then at least you do have her full name. My family never asked me about my feelings, and we never discussed my daughter until my mother was on her deathbed from breast cancer. Thats when she apologized for forcing me into the adoption and telling me that maybe I would have been a happier person if I had kept her. I have suffered undiagnosed depression for years and the only reason that I did not commit suicide before I had my other 2 children, was that I didnt want my firstborn to think that I was nuts. Let her meet me and decide for herself...lol. But the pain that some of us bmothers go thru is so intense, we have lost a child, and we really cannot talk about it. We have no outlet, we hold it all in.

[ReOcB42008]

Beth - THANK YOU! Thank you for caring enough to ask about how to help your son, thank you for actually LOVING him! I am an adult adoptee and your post touched me deeply. My adoptive parents adopted for all the wrong reasons but they DID do one thing right. Like Julianna said that she does, my aparents let me grow up knowing I was adopted - through stories when I was younger to showing me my paperwork (hospital bill, adoption papers, both birth certificates, etc) when I started to ask ?s. They were abusive every other way but I DO thank them for letting me know right away that I was adopted. It turned out that one of my cousins threw it in my face when I was 13.B4 the cousin "informed" me, being adopted to me was just like having brown eyes - just something that was part of me!Then during an arguement my acousin said that I wasn't HER cousin, I was ADOPTED! She made it sound like it was a horrible thing! It was traumatic enough for me without it possibly being a surprise! Please do me a favor though - stress to your son that he IS loved and was very wanted by you. My amother admits she just adopted me to look normal, she told me that I was my fathers idea to adopt - she didn't want someone else's "brat" (her own words) and I think my afather just wanted a picture of the ideal family. They never wanted ME. Your son is a very lucky boy and I think if you let the adoption just be the way he joined your life, not a big "deal", AND love him as you have already shown you do, he will be fine! Hugs- MJ

[Traci-K]

Tell him from the beginning. Let him know how much you love him. My parents(as you can see from the story I posted) didn't really tell me much. So at 5 I was hit with the realization that someone didn't want me, not that someone did. I was scared of being bad and my mom and dad not loving me anymore and not wanting me anymore, that they would get tired of me and give me away too. It wasn't until I was 12 that I kept on and on asking about my birthfather that the whole story came out, which hurt more. They were never reluctant to talk about my birthmother, but would never say who my birthfather was, so I figured (given my birthmother's history) that my bfather was some loser she met in a bar one night. I finally got the real story when my mom and dad sat me down and let me know that my dad WAS my birthfather. He had an affair with my birthmother and instead of the woman I call mom leaving him for doing such a thing, she decided to stay and adopt me as her own, since my bmother could not take care of me, let alone herself and her child she already had. The hardest thing for me to cope with after that conclusion was that I was this big fat mistake my father made with another woman and that my mom, who i love dearly, who had been my rock for so many years, she had to look at me everyday. I know that's not how she felt. In fact she called me her miracle baby from the beginning, because she had two children from her first husband and wanted a child with dad, but they were having problems. So I came along at the perfect moment for her. But the fact that I look just like my birthmother always made me feel guilty.
It is my opinion that you make sure your child knows the truth about both his parents from the beginning as well. Don't tell him half truth like my parents did. Because it causes more pain later on. I don't want any other child to feel the guilt and fear that I did.
I will say I do not blame my parents though, adoption is now even more open and not seen as strange or sad. I'm not that old, only 22, but growing up I never heard of too many adoption stories, but now you hear them on the television, in the newspapers, etc. I know they just wanted me to feel loved and I did, but at 5 that's something hard to take in. At that age you know there's wrong and right, no gray areas. So to me if they took me then they could get rid of me just like that.
I'm sorry for rambling so much, but it's a very personal issue that I've dealt with for years and am still dealing with. I just want to let you know how some adopted people may feel and that it does become a big part of your life, whether you've known all along or are told at 18.

[BradB]

I say be totally honest when he can handle it. But as stated before, do not interject your assumptions or feelings. As far as his bmother not seeing him, I think you should tell him and if he asks why she didn't it is ok to say 'I don't know'. Trust me, he will have plenty of unknowns. I encourage you to tell him about being adopted before he can congintively embrace it- This way, he can just say he has always known, and not have the tramatic day where he found out.

[Dickons]

I would simply tell him each time you love him that you are so happy that you were able to adopt him and you would do it over again in a heart beat. Of course you can shorten it or change the words but the knowledge is there with the love and when he is ready or it raises questions in his mind then answer them honestly.

Kind regards,
Dickons
(adopted at 2 months by the best parents ever)

[krybaby]

I think as an adoptee that if you chose to tell him he will have that question in the back of his mind for the rest of his life. As i do. If you do tell him he will be great full that you chose him and you will always be his parents. It is only him to figure out what he wants to do. Everyone feels different about what they want to do. Maybe this helps a little. I wish you luck. I hope you get more help on this board then i have.

[DebsW]

Beth, I am an adult adoptee, age 38. I have been in reunion with my birth family for almost 2 years.

My suggestion, answer your son's questions as they come, don't add more and don't provide less. Of course it is delicate and you will know what to say, but don't spin it, sugar coat it or mislead him.

You don't know where his birth parents will be by the time he is an adult. My birth mom never got to see me or hold me. When I asked her she said she stared at the clock on the wall when they took me away. She remembered the time I was born down to the minute.

If I had been able to know something about them growing up I would have wanted to know. I think it is all in the delivery of the info.

DebsW

[sstuart]

I am a birth mother and I want you to know that what you have been told may not be the whole truth. It may have just been too painful for the birthmom to come to see him. I was told I could not go see my DD because it would "not be a good idea" Did her parents get told I made no attempt to see her "one last time?"

It was not because I didn't try. I wanted to and was denied.
I do not know the circumstances of your son's bmom. But if you do not know for sure, please do not paint any pictures for him that aren't accurate.

[DebsW]

sstuart makes a very good point. I had not thought of that. My Amom once told me that my caseworker said that my bmom thought that my bdad would marry her. It almost sounded like I was not an "accident" if that makes sense. I have never had the courage to ask my bmom if I was or not. But the implication was there that she got pregnant on purpose. If that was the case I would have a very difficult time swallowing the fact that I was a "gamble" and it did not pay off. But knowing my bmom now I don't think she would have done that.

DebsW

[Dmommab]

First let me preface with a little history.
We have legal custody of Harley (she is 8). I've known both her parents since she was born and we hear from them every year or so.
We have adopted Shawn (7) and Shilo (5). I am familiar with bio mom & dad and dad's parents & family. We met while they were in foster care with us & maintain contact with them all. Contact is ALL initiated by bio family so it's when they want it, which is fine with me at this point.
Zackery, who is 4, came to live with us at 2 days of age. He was marijuana & cocaine positive at birth. His mom (who was a self proclaimed prostitute & drug addict) left the hospital 2 days after delivery & NEVER tried to have contact with him in any way. Dad is unknown.
OK - the other night I was laying in bed with Zack reading him a story & he said "Mommy, whose belly was I in?". I said, "Her name was _____." That was it!! He didn't ask any more questions & went right to sleep. I started to elaborate a little but decided since he only asked one question & didn't seem interested in knowing more I would keep my mouth shut FOR NOW. He will know that his mom really did do a wonderful thing by not trying to raise him if she wasn't able but I do worry about him "wondering" about his mom & even more so his dad because I just don't have information to give him & what I do know isn't pleasant. I suggest you just make sure he always knows he is adopted & that you love him very much. Let him know that his bio parents love him too - whether they are involved or not. GOOD LUCK!!

[kune]

All good advice given. I'd like to add that years will pass until your son will legally be able to find his birthparents. In the interim it's possible they will mature into caring adults who change their lifestyle and become responsible people. (I too was totally irresponsible in my 20's but 10 years later was married with 2 children, a mortgage, well educated and a business). I agree with the above posts.....answer what you know - forget any assumptions, and read on these forums how important it is to talk with your adopted kids about feelings and their place in the family.

Ann

[mariarippy]

Originally Posted by BethAF

Hi,

I've never come on this board before but I thought that adult adoptees would be the best group of people to ask because of your collective experiences.

My husband and I are officially adopting my son next week. He's been with us since he was 2 months old and is now 9 months. We plan on telling him that he's adopted as soon as he can understand and we already read him some adoption books.

My question is... how much do we tell him? It is a closed adoption by his birthmother's choice. We know her first name, medical information, and some other basic info about her. She was given the opportunity to both pick his adoptive family and visit with him in the fosterhome before she relinquished her rights. She chose to do neither.
His birthfather completely denied even being with his birthmother. He was served papers to show up to court to either contest the adoption or voluntarily relinquish his rights. He didn't even show to court. His rights were terminated. (We found out other info that has led us to believe that this man is the birthfather).

I know as our son gets older, his questions about adoption will get more in depth and tougher to answer. I would never want to lie to him. But, at the same time, the truth just seems so harsh. Obviously, I don't know the true feelings and thoughts of his birthparents. But when you look at the circumstances, it really looks as if they just didn't want him.

So, do I tell him that info when he asks? If so, around what age? It's something I think about a lot even though he's only a baby.

Any opinions, thoughts and feelings will be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,

Ever since i can remember i've been told my adoptive parents couldn't have children so i was adopted. Felt a bit second rate, when I was almost 18... I asked my doctor about my natural(birth) mother. My natural mother agreed to come across the united states to meet me(1992). When I saw her, I knew her. I remember a prior fleeting moment with her. I held this fleeting moment to myself for years ...she was sixteen the day my eyes met hers...My gram jumped up and helped mom's arm to a pen. Which I feel surprised my mother a bit after all her mom(my gram) had 10 children. But I may be wrong. My mom's left arm hit that doctor's desk to sign the relinquishment papers. Thump! I was cradled in her right arm. For me its as if it were yesterday. Well, Years after my mother and I reunited I had my first child... I asked her if she ever held me. My mother answered she had not ever held me. Does the moment in my mind not really exsist? Did i make it up because of emotional disorder? Did I make it up!? Can I believe her?

I need to forget ever being told I was adopted! Can't....I feel I need to go back to before I met her in 1992... erase the episode of her holding me... Can't... I want to erase emotional distance created with my adoptive family for seeking out mom...Can't... I need to erase the constant threat of arguement with friends and my husband over loyalty/love/respect...Can't...

Who needs that in their heart/head everyday of their life? ...I don't...
I've been blessed having four children...not me... and maybe not other adoptees...

Wait to tell your boy...save my story...keep him informed about all the possible circumstances if he seeks them out later...God Bless...