[chickwithvision]

Hi Beth,
I was adopted at 3 weeks old and have always known. My parents never sat me done and told me, but introduced the concept through bedtime stories about a princess who was adopted by king and queen who loved her so much. Then as I got older I wanted more details - how to share that is really what you need to think about. The truth of my adoption was not disclosed until I was fifteen, and now at 42 I have felt a sense of betrayal for not been told the truth earlier. Be as candid as you can at the level of development of your son. Kids can always sense when something is 'not quite right'. Enlisting the help of support organisations such as jigsaw may also help down the track. Always know that even if he wants to seek his origins later, he loves you very much.
All the best for your family...
Krish

[jenniferm.bailey]

Originally Posted by BradB

I say be totally honest when he can handle it. But as stated before, do not interject your assumptions or feelings. As far as his bmother not seeing him, I think you should tell him and if he asks why she didn't it is ok to say 'I don't know'. Trust me, he will have plenty of unknowns. I encourage you to tell him about being adopted before he can congintively embrace it- This way, he can just say he has always known, and not have the tramatic day where he found out.

I totally agree with Brad, as an adult adoptee, my parents have [i]always[i] told me & my brother we were adopted. There are so [i]great[i] children's books about adoption. They explain things in age appropriate ways.. I.e.. you grew in your mommy's heart, not in her tummy, etc.. If you want I will compile a list of these books for you... My parents told me whatever they knew, and offered me to look at my own files {i didn't see those until I was about 10, and really curious**, but whenever I had questions, comments, feelings (and they were probably at some random times - you know how kids are), but they would talk about it, let me express my feelings, and encourage me with words of love, and plenty of affection.. I always knew I was adopted, but I didn't really understand it until I was about 1st or 2nd grade.. Also, my parents joined a support group that gathered several times a year, so we could be with other kids that were adopted. I knew that there were other kids out there like me.. I know what a special heart you must have, tell him, in age appropriate terms. Focus on the story of when you got him, what did you do that day? How did you find out you were going to be a mommy? What did your husband say/do when you told him (if you are married, if you arenot I apologize).
HTH.
Jennifer,

[jenniferm.bailey]

Hi Beth,
I would leave the details of his birthparents as factual, and not situational.. Just let your son know that when that decision was made, it made your family complete.

[LaurieAnn]

Hi,
I felt a need to reply to your message, and hope that it will help in your decision to tell your child he is adopted.

I am the ex-wife of an adult adoptee, and the main reason that our family has fallen apart is because my in-laws never told my husband he was adopted. I was making a scrapbook for my husband's surprise 40th birthday party when an Aunt of his blurted out to me that his deceased grandfather wasn't related to "Billy" (my husband) anyway! Then she proceeded to tell me about how his parents couldn't have children and he was adopted-it was a secret that most of his family and some friends knew-he was NEVER told! So, I debated on what to do with this info. for a few days before telling my husband what I was confronted with...his initial reaction was disbelief, then anger with his parents, and he tried to talk to them. He was told that it was NEVER to be discussed again, and I (his wife) was to blame for this whole mess. We had a great relationship up until this point and TRUST ME-I never asked to be plopped in the middle of this! After a few years of his overwhelming depression and anger about the situation he decided that the money he was going to inherit from his elderly parents meant more to him than his wife and child. So, my son and I moved out and my husband is now a lonely and very bitter person. In my opinion, adoption is a wonderful, beautiful event and should be described that way to your child as soon as they would understand and be able to process the information. I would LOVE to adopt a child should I ever get married again, and I will know just what to say!

[finallyamom0310]

LaurieAnn, I am sorry that you were in that position. I just felt the need to respond to you on your post as I am an AMom and have been on the site for a few months now. There are quite a few mothers on the site and IRL that are single and have adopted. If you truly want to adopt, please don't let your marital status influence your decision (that is unles there are other reasons, then I am sorry).

As for the rest of this thread, our DD is just over 16 months old and we have been talking about adoption since the begining. I have read so many posts here on a.com that suggest to make sure she knows right up front, always in age appropriater terms, and that when questions are asked, make sure to encourage exploration of those feelings. I have also found the book "20 Things Adoptive kids wish their Adoptive parents knew" to be very enlightening and suggest that you read it. I know DD is too small to really ask questions, but I feel the same way you do in that it is best to answer those questions when they come.

[white_elephant]

Oh please be honest! Age appropriately, of course.

I was lied to for 40+ years - and they are still at it - even though I offered them to bow out gracefully, they will take the lie to their grave! How utterly sad! Now I have NO family. There are not words to put to it!

Please be honest! You will never regret being truthful. The truth bonds us together. Lies destroy and separate lives.

God bless you in your parenting!

I have the upmost respect for your concerns. Thanks for posting!

[bprice215]

I'm so sorry but I can't give you an age to start telling him, you as his parent can only decide the best time and the best way to tell him. I agree I think it best if you got the bmom last name to give your baby should he ever want to contact his bparents. Best of luck to two caring parents that are trying to do what is right by their son.
bprice215

[chickwithvision]

Please - no lies! I have always known I was adopted, but at 15 was told the truth that my aunt was my biological mother (mum was really my aunt). Now at 42, the repurcussions of being lied to for 15 years are hard not to resent - especially as I had yearned to seek my natural mum. Although there was only good intentions, the betrayal is devestating. This type of betrayal has a negitive impact on all kinds of relationships throughout life and a severe impact on the ability to trust. Even a child can sense when someone is lying.

[lisa138]

Originally Posted by Dmommab

First let me preface with a little history.
We have legal custody of Harley (she is 8). I've known both her parents since she was born and we hear from them every year or so.
We have adopted Shawn (7) and Shilo (5). I am familiar with bio mom & dad and dad's parents & family. We met while they were in foster care with us & maintain contact with them all. Contact is ALL initiated by bio family so it's when they want it, which is fine with me at this point.
Zackery, who is 4, came to live with us at 2 days of age. He was marijuana & cocaine positive at birth. His mom (who was a self proclaimed prostitute & drug addict) left the hospital 2 days after delivery & NEVER tried to have contact with him in any way. Dad is unknown.
OK - the other night I was laying in bed with Zack reading him a story & he said "Mommy, whose belly was I in?". I said, "Her name was _____." That was it!! He didn't ask any more questions & went right to sleep. I started to elaborate a little but decided since he only asked one question & didn't seem interested in knowing more I would keep my mouth shut FOR NOW. He will know that his mom really did do a wonderful thing by not trying to raise him if she wasn't able but I do worry about him "wondering" about his mom & even more so his dad because I just don't have information to give him & what I do know isn't pleasant. I suggest you just make sure he always knows he is adopted & that you love him very much. Let him know that his bio parents love him too - whether they are involved or not. GOOD LUCK!!

YOU ARE A WONDERFUL WOMAN,HERE YOU HAVE OLDER CHILDREN AND YOU STILL REACH OUT TO OTHERS...THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU FOR DOING WHAT YOU DO.....

[Dmommab]

Lisa. Believe it or not your thank you means more to me than you could ever know. We just sent 2 foster kids home last week that we had for 27 months!!! It was a very difficult thing to do & unfortunately their mom is still "mad" at us for "taking her children away from her". She just doesn't get it! Anyway, I am missing them terribly.

[mariakw]

Hi Beth. I'm an adopted adult (36 y.o.), and I've always known that I was adopted. In addition to my personal experience, I've become interested in researching the process of adoption disclosure. I've read a lot about it and even did a research project in which I interviewed a bunch of adopted individuals to learn about how they found out and how they felt about the way that they learned. By and far the most positive experiences were from people who said that they "always knew" and whose parents made it a celebrated and special part of their story that they were adopted. Don't wait until your son can "understand," but instead make it a part of his story -- kind of like how parents will tell the story of their child's birth. That way it becomes a natural part of your lives and also of his identity that can be slowly integrated into his sense of who he is. The things that other adoptees I've talked to have most appreciated were books that their parents read to them about being adopted or stories that were told over time about how they came to be part of their families. You don't have to tell him the whole story all at once and all the details of how his birth parents decided to place him for adoption. Some things can wait until he wants more information or is ready to hear it. But the most important thing to tell him is how he came to be a part of your lives and how much he was wanted and loved. Families come together in all sorts of ways. One way is when birth parents want the best life for their child and know they can't provide it. So out of love, they decide to find the best possible mom and dad they can. And that mom and dad love the baby so much and are so happy that they get to welcome him into their family. Tell him about the day you found out he'd be your son and how happy you were. Tell him what it was like when you first saw him and what is was like to bring him home to the space you got all set up for him. Just tell him all the everyday details that you remember about when you knew he was your son and how you got everything ready for him. Tell him how you announced it to all your loved ones that your little boy was on his way. Tell him about the drive to go get him. About how excited and nervous you were to see him. Tell him how your heart swelled with love and pride when you looked into his eyes for the first time and said, here he is, this is our son. Tell him how you picked his name. How you decided what color to paint his room. And in the simple act of telling him all the details of his story and all the joy he'll see in your telling of it of it he'll learn that you love and cherish him and that he is an integral and vital part of your family. The rest of the details can come later. When he's older you can ask him if he has any questions about his birth parents and you can share whatever you know and tell him that you'll always try to answer his questions and support him in learning more if he wants to. But you don't have to tell him his dad was MIA. The basic message, when he's ready, is that his birth parents wanted the best possible mom and dad for him and that's what you guys are. When he's older and asks for specifics you can give them to him. But for know, to have his own story of how he came to be with you will be just what he needs.

[yehudit]

Hello,
I am also an aparent with a situation similar to Beth's. In our case, the bdad is lierally unknown. If our daughter wants to know she will have to get a DNA test. I sometimes lurk in this section to see what experiences other have had and what I can do to make things easier for our daughter when she is old enough to ask questions. She's only 4 months right now.

I want to thank you all for your responses, especially the last one ("early and often"). I hope my daughter will know how much we love her but your posts have made me realize that as an aparent love is not enough. Communication is key as with any relationship, and I will remember that moving forward with both my kids. I won't wait until she asks but open the dialogue well before.

Thanks again,

[babyjsmom]

I am a mom of 3, one bio son who is 8 and two adopted, one son 7.5 and a daughter who is 6.

My son was adopted at 3.5 he is now 7.5 and my daughter at 2. She is now 6. I tell my little ones all the time that they are adopted. We speak about Guatemala as a very poor country but a beautiful place because it is where they were born. They ask if they were in my belly and I tell them that they were brought to me by a big airplane. I tell them a story of how their birth Mom wasn't able to care for them and I was searching and searching for my special little boy/girl and finally found them. I then say how happy I was and that at first they were nervous (and they remember meeting me, well my 3.5 yr old did anyway) but then we loved each other forever and ever. I know of certian foods they used to eat with their foster families and I cook them for them often, I buy them special cookies they remember and we speak about Guatemala often. Not specifically about their birth Mom's but about traditions. They both definitely know they are adopted. My daughter who is now 6 denies it and says "Mommy we have the same hair, I came out of your belly" I correct her all the time and say, no you didn't, you came to Mommy on the big airplane from Guatemala like your brother.

I hope I am doing the right thing by telling them so soon, I do not want them to ever resent me. The very little info I have on their Birth Moms I plan on sharing with them, I guess when the time is right.

Am I doing the right thing???? I do not know but it feels right. They have never asked questions so I assume they are ok with what I have told them so far. I want to be 100% honest always.

My son doesn't speak too much about it, but he has vivid memories of being in Guatemala and being very poor, he will at times tell me there was not enough food and the "foster brothers used to take his toys" I think he blocks out the memories because they were not good ones. But I believe he was very attached to his foster Mom. He has an enourmous heart and he had no problem attaching to me early on. My daughter was passed from Foster home to home. she had a hard life her first two years. Her BioMom was very poor and she was very ill. My daughter had a horrific case of scabies and was very malnurished. just 20 lbs at 2 years old. She has no memories because she was younger.

Again, any advise is valued, I hope I am doing the right thing by talking openly about it...

I wish you all luck! and promise!!!

jenn :-)

[MissDixie]

I am so happy to have found this thread and have learned a lot. Thank you for sharing. I do have a question though...I understand that telling them early is best and this is our plan...what I'm not sure about is the "often" part. How often is often? I'm just wondering if saying it constantly would lead my child to wonder why I am constantly telling her. Any insight to this would be greatly appreciated!

[xemtrockstarx]

My parents were always honest (I'm half black, both my parents are white so it's not been a big secret lol) and told us age orientated details.