[tikiboo33]

Hi everyone. Let me introduce myself as i am new to this board.
I am 33 years old and only a few years ago i found out i was adopted.
My "parents" were great parents and i grew up in NY being an only child. For some reason I never felt like i was part of the family. I didnt look like anyone and always wondered why everyone else was overweight while i was stick thin. Why they had different medical problems (high blood pressure, Diabetes) Where did my ability for art come from? Or my ability to dance extremely well to latin music.
They divorced when i was 7 and i lived with my "mom" till i was 25. i always thought we were close. as i got older our relationship got more and more difficult. she didnt want to let me go and we would fight constantly.
My "Family" was jewish but they never instilled any jewish faith in me nor did they really explain to me why i am jewish and what it means. I have grown up my whole life not really feeling part of any religion and alwasy wondered why i didnt have a Christmas tree like all of my friends.
When i was 27 my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She went through the whole thing. surgery, chemo, radiation. We thought she was going to make it. But she didnt. she didnt take care of herself and NEVER went to the OBGYN for check ups. I dont know why. She would not talk about it.
When there was nothing more the doctors could do she as moved to hospice care and all we could do was wait for her to pass. We never talked about a will, or what would happen if she passed away. Those were things not to talk about and she kept it very hush hush.
Well i knew my mother had a safe deposit box and i knew where the key was. I didnt know what was inside the box though. I got the key and since i had Power Of Attorney i was able to go in and clean it out. I thought there might be a will in there. There was no will. But there were adoption papers. For ME!
The only thing i can say is the shock i felt was nothing like i have every felt in my life. I could not believe she didnt tell me. I ran home crying to my finace. He was as shocked and surprised as i was. Althought he did start putting pieces together. I didnt look anything like my "parents" i always felt like i didnt really "belong" with them. i was VERY different then anyone in my family not in just the way i looked but my tallents and way of thinking and personality. and the worst thing. They always seemed very distant from me.
After mom passed and the whole "family" got over everything basically everyone abandoned me. Aunts, uncles, cousins. Even moms close friends. no one seemed to want anything to do with me anymore.. Sort of like the secret was out and mom was gone so they didnt need to pretend to be my "family" anymore. It was a horrible feeling and i still feel totally abandoned by the people who should have been there for me in my time of need. Not only did my mother pass right before my wedding but i found out this news as well. An "uncle" of mine was also very annoyed that i was awarded everything mom had and that she had secret accounts stashed away that no one knew about. i also was awarded her co-op which this "uncle" purchased for her but beleived was truly his.
This all happened a few years ago and there is allot more to the story with court battles and lawyers. But just recently i have decided i needed to find out my true heritage and what happened all those years ago. I dont have much info. Just the adoptions papers, an old check to a lawyer and the non identifying info the state sent me. My parents were 25 and 24 catholic and protastant and could not care for a child. and i know my last name was Hernandez. So apparently i am latin. at least half. I dont look full latin. but being Hernandez in NY is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
So we will see where it gets me. I am doing some searching. My "father" is still alive and i am going to be talking to him to see what more he knows about this and maybe i can get some answers from him. Since my mother has passed and i never got to share this news with her. I just want to understand why they didnt tell me? ?????

[heidibay66]

Don't feel bad. I started a new site and had an adoptee ask me to post her adoption search. She is 62 yrs old and just recently found out. It is hard to know how to respond at any age. But just remember, if you found out at 5 yrs old like me, 62 yrs old like another adoptee, or any age, we are all in this together, along with the ones who never found out or find out, we are all family.

[jrainbow]

I'm so sorry that all this has happened to you ... and so young. Everybody deserves the truth from their parents. And deserves support from their family. When your parents adopted you, they promised to treat you as their own. That should also include all your extended family and it is unfair that it didn't.

Good luck with your search. I have no wisdom to share in that regard except register everywhere on the net. Miracles do happen and it is ok to believe in them.

[sal]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. I lost both of my aparents in 2004 and know how alone I felt when they died. My mother was an only child with no close relatives and my father's family was scattered across the US..and my abrother on the east coast..(I'm in the midwest)...so I didn't have any family support other than my husband and daughters..and some wonderful friends. It was funny to feel like an "orphan" at age 50. I encourage you to see what you can find in your search. I, fortunately, searched for, located and reunited with my bfamily a few years before losing my parents...I can't tell you how wonderful having THAT support was for me!!! I found my "missing pieces"... the information that I was told I'd never have...VERY empowering stuff when you're wading through deep grief. A book that I found very enlightening for me is Journey of the Adopted Self by Bette Jean Lifton...I needed Kleenex nearby...it was the first thing that I read that addressed feelings that I had...but never realized I wasn't alone in feeling them! I found ALOT of support here in the forums and in the chatroom...although lately the chatroom is hit or miss.. some nights it's full.. and sometimes no one is there.. When people ARE there... it's wonderfully supportive... Good luck in your journey.. sal

[tikiboo33]

Thank you all for your help. Sal i am going to try that book you wrote about. Ive been doing nothing but research and trying to hook up with people who can help me search and talk to others so i dont feel so alone. Its great to know there are supportive people out there and that i am not alone...This has been very hard for me lately. Thanks tons!

[PaPAdoptee]

My heart goes out to you Tikiboo33!

I too "discovered" I was adopted later in life (right before my 21st b-day). I agree with HeidiBay - know that you have fellow adoptee cyber-siblings who GET how you feel. I am sending you tons of positive energy and support!

[mymotherssacrifice]

I recently found out also about my adoption and like you it just didn't make sense to me of why it needed to be this big secret. I look part-African American and my family all looks white, so why they thought I would never wonder is beyond me. My mother refused to tell me, lied up and down, and would have rather had me believe I would inherit a degenerative brain disorder that left my adopted father at 42 in a nursing home. Luckily I live in a state where preadoption birth records can be unsealed or I know my mother never would have told me. She claims because of my birth story being pretty horrific that doctors told her that she should never tell me. Since finding out she has been especially mean and pretty much feels that I wanted to know so now I can deal and be on my own. I think sometimes people just decide that they don't want to deal with something and refuse to at all costs. My adoptive mother is a total beep and tells me I should be grateful and that she saved me in one breath, but then in the other says she doesn't want this to change anything, in my case I almost feel like now that she knows I know she feels like her obligation is over and she doesn't have to pretend to be my "real" mom anymore. As selfish as it is, and I can totally relate to all your feelings of not belonging and being different, I truly think that they think they are doing the right thing by not telling is. I don't think your mom didn't tell you to be hurtful, I think she just misunderstood the adoption thing, we don't become their biological children just because they don't want us to be adopted. And my mom doesn't get that the issue is not that I was adopted, I think adoption can be great and will probably adopt someday myself, the issue is that I feel betrayed by her for lying and turning my life into a dirty little secret, instead of just loving me unconditionally and accepting that I am different.

[tikiboo33]

aw.. thanks guys.. i havent been on here in a long time.... im sorry to hear all of these other stories... its just too sad. the lies, the crap we have to deal with. its not fair.. i have been doing nothing but investigating all of this stuff about myself and i am getting closer to possibly knowing at least my parents last names. i went to the public library and looked up my birth which confirmed that i was born on the day i have been celebrating for the past 33 years.. which is good.. also that i was born in brooklyn not somewhere else.. so i have a start. and i found out my mothers madien name.. so im getting there.. plus having allot of support from new friends on these chat sites and some search angels who have been helping me.. people are wonderful..were all like a little family.. in this together... its nice to know i have some others who understand and who can relate and i can share my feelings with.. thanks you!!

[PaPAdoptee]

That's great news!! It's also good that the information is trickling in piece by piece, so it's not too overwhelming.

Mymotherssacrifice, I had the same experience where I found out (by actually finding my adoption papers) and after I got enough courage to let my parents know that i new, my a-mom responded by telling me that I could've been a poor kid on the street (in Haiti) had it not been for her. I finished reading the book Adoption Healing, and it made a pt that just rang soo true. Some a-moms treat adoption as a cure for their infertility, however the issues of infertility should be resolved before adopting. Otherwise, you have a-moms who live in fabricated world where adoption isn't talked about, it doesn't exist. It reminds them of the pain caused by infertility. I get that. I don't get lying to your child for decades! I did a few family trees and autobiographies in school, and everytime I asked my mom, she lied and made up a story. I didn't even know I wasn't born in the states, and when I went to get naturalized after I found out I was adopted, I had the hardest time convincing INS that I wasn't a refugee who'd overstayed my VISA :O( That was very selfish. I'm sorry yours had you believe you could have a serious illness.

[tikiboo33]

Originally Posted by PaPAdoptee

That's great news!! It's also good that the information is trickling in piece by piece, so it's not too overwhelming.

Mymotherssacrifice, I had the same experience where I found out (by actually finding my adoption papers) and after I got enough courage to let my parents know that i new, my a-mom responded by telling me that I could've been a poor kid on the street (in Haiti) had it not been for her. I finished reading the book Adoption Healing, and it made a pt that just rang soo true. Some a-moms treat adoption as a cure for their infertility, however the issues of infertility should be resolved before adopting. Otherwise, you have a-moms who live in fabricated world where adoption isn't talked about, it doesn't exist. It reminds them of the pain caused by infertility. I get that. I don't get lying to your child for decades! I did a few family trees and autobiographies in school, and everytime I asked my mom, she lied and made up a story. I didn't even know I wasn't born in the states, and when I went to get naturalized after I found out I was adopted, I had the hardest time convincing INS that I wasn't a refugee who'd overstayed my VISA :O( That was very selfish. I'm sorry yours had you believe you could have a serious illness.

awful.. it sounds like my amother who kept it from me cause SHE was afraid id leave HER.. talk about selfish. i dont think these aparents think when they do this stuff they are only thinking about their needs and not whats best for kids.. horrible...

[MrsHoot]

I’m so sorry your families have lied to y’all and kept your adoptions a secret and I agree that adoption is generally about the adults, not the children involved.

IMHO: Around the time you were born it was the “the closed era”......as birthmother we were told to pretend like it never happened...adoptive parents were told pretend like this baby is yours...this is what we were told was “best for everyone”....this is what we did at the time...I’ve since learned better, so now I do better.

Hoping you find all the loved ones y’all are searching for!

Much Love,
C.