[belovedone]

I just found out that I was adopted a couple of months ago...July 17 to be exact...the day before my "father " died. My adopted parents had no intention of ever telling me and had in fact gone through great pains to insure that I not find out...including securing a birth certificate for me that named them as my parents. I was adopted within 36 hours of my birth.
I found out when my sister, brother, and I were looking through my father's papers for his dd214...long story in itself...and my brother came across a letter to my grandparents from my mother about me. He didn't read it all the way through but thought I might get a kick out of it and handed it to me to read. There on the bottom of the second page my mom had noted to them the details of my adoption to be published in the local newspaper. I couldn't move or think for a second or two...then I looked up at my sister and brother...both of whom were still busily looking through old pictures and papers...and said "uh..I'm adopted." They both looked up at me at the same time waiting for the punchline I guess. Then there was dead silence for a few minutes as we all absorbed the information together. I knew that they were both biologically my parents' children because I recalled my mother's pregnancy and their births. Finally my sister broke the silence and said "are you going to call mom?"
I did...right then...with my brother and sister standing by waiting to see what she would say. I spent a couple of seconds with the usual pleasantries then just blurted out that I had found a letter saying I was adopted and was I? Dead silence on the other end. I said "I take it that's a yes?" and she finally said yes. Every one who is older than me in my whole "family"... knew but lied to me or never told me. The only people not in on the deception were my brother and sister. I'm still in shock. My mother still doesn't really want to discuss it with me and I don't seem to really want to discuss it either..except with people not related to me...I guess that means everyone though...haha .
The next day my father died without waking up from his breif coma...no closure...no chance to confront him or ask him anything. I arranged and spoke at his memorial service...I have a portion of his remains in an urn on my mantel...I don't know why...
There I was surrounded by all these people whom I had spent my whole life thinking were my family...alone in this crowd of people who had actively deceived me my whole life...I was too numb to react, to do anything but those things that i would have done if I had not found out...but inside of me a part of me was screaming and shaking and utterly confused at the whole macabre situation.
My childhood was fine. My "parents" loved me and protected me and never laid a hand on me. My childhood was probably better than 80% of the world's. I always felt that I didn't fit in with them...especially at family picture time...but the one time that I asked point blank if I was adopted, my mother lied to my face.
I'm lost...
My only blood relative...my daughter...now what?

[jrainbow]

Oh my, I'm so sorry that you had to find out at that emotional time that you had been lied to. But even though you aren't related by blood, your family that raised you, loved you, and cared for you, is still your family. Your parents made a terrible mistake in not telling you from the beginning but I'm sure they did so out of love for you and a false sense of protecting you or protecting themselves.

You had a good childhood - this is not a lie. You have a brother and sister that love you and that is not a lie. You had parents who cared for you and that is not a lie. It is a shock that you only have one person actually blood related to you but it doesn't mean you only have 1 person who loves and cares for you as family.

I have always known that I was adopted and I'm recently reunited with my birthparents. Although I'm thrilled to have answers and I'm in a relationship with them, they are not Mom and Dad. The reunion had no effect on my family - and extended family. My brother and sister are still my siblings and always will be. Mom and Dad (although passed away) are still Mom and Dad.

I wish you peace as you deal with the double emotional shock of your Dad's death and discovering that you were adopted. These forums are very good for getting your feelings out. There are alot of people out there that have been in your situation. And there are many members of adoption triads that are very supportive. You might also want to look at counseling as you sort out all these emotions.

Jill

[txrnr]

I am sorry for the loss of your Dad. That's tough. I completely understand your need to vent, and to be angry. I don't blame you, and I think it's healthy. I can't imagine finding out so late in life.

If it helps any, your parents were most likely doing what they thought they had to do to protect you. Adoptions back then were closed, and everyone involved were told to move on, and forget the adoption part. Birthmothers were told to forget, and they'd never have contact. Adoptive parents didn't want other people looking at their child thinking they were different, and wouldn't be able to answer questions you may have had because they had no info themselves. While I think your parents made the wrong choice to keep it a secret, it sounds like they did it for all the right reasons. I'm sure you already know this, but sometimes it helps to hear other people confirm it.

Every memory you have of your life is still real. There were just parts you didn't know. I think everyone has those, adopted or not.

Good luck to you. Vent all you want here.

[sal]

I'm so sorry for your loss AND for your major life altering surprise. I grew up knowing that I was adopted... and longed for my biological connections from as early as I can remember. Being reunited now I can say that I really had been where I was supposed to be with the family that I grew up with... and I am supposed to be with my bfamily now. I lost both of my aparents in 2004...3 years after I located and reunited with my bfamily. I believe that things happen for a reason... and I am now not alone..because of my search. You are entitled to feel the rage, betrayal, bewilderment, fury, disbelief, surprise, etc that you might be feeling. You may want to find someone to talk to that can help you sort through and wade through all of them. I wish you luck... vent here or in the chatroom... alot of good cyber ears and shoulders to rely on! ..........sal

[Ahyupsgrl]

I can only imagine what a betrayed feeling you have right now. In my opinion.....this IS your family. The only family you have ever known....and even tho you were adopted, they never treated you other than one of the family. You're biological mother and father were only the ***** ***** *** *********. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. It's hard for a girl to lose her father. Take the time to mourn THIS loss...and not the loss of your family. For your family is still all around you. Treasure the memories of family traditions, gatherings, happy and sad moments all shared as a "family" You were nothing less to them.

[belovedone]

Thank you so much for your supportive comments. I came and checked this site as soon as I got up this morning just ot see what people who shared my experiences to some degree would say. My sister and my husband think I should be enraged and marvel that I still speak to my mom everyday...just as I always have. I guess I do have some anger...maybe more than I realize yet...but I have no desire to throw away my whole childhood and all the wonderful memories.
It helps to know that others think that I should treasure those memories and release the anger too.
Maybe it's weird hoping to have others tell you how you should feel...but I'm still at a loss on how to feel for myself. Thank you for your replies. I needed them and still do. And thank you for allowing me a place to vent where there is no emotional backlash and no one I can really hurt with my anger and confusion.

[belovedone]

How did your mom feel when you decided to seek your biological family? I have a stirring of desire to do so but I am quite sure that my mom will be devastated and feel that I don't love her.

[fauxgina]

You sound remarkably calm and together after such a momentous discovery. I think that could be a person's worst nightmare--finding out as an adult that they are adopted. I am so sorry that your parents and all your adult relatives kept such a vital part of your identiy from you... but you really seem to be taking it well. It would be so easy to cut off contact with your mom now, yet you manage to be upset and still understand that she--not any other woman--is your mother. I admire your strength of heart and character! Your parents obviously raised you very well, even if they (or at least one of them) lied openly to you about your adoption.

My heart goes out to you during such a difficult time. I hope that you and your whole family can heal from the loss of your father and the hiccup in your identity. You seem level-headed and rational, but please know that whatever deeper feelings and thoughts you have are all normal and more than acceptable. This may sound morbid, but perhaps the timing of your discovery will benefit you--maybe you can mourn your father's passing and your past ignorance (for lack of a better word) at the same time.

[Sun8]

Belovedone,
I am so glad you found our forum as this IS the place that you cant vent, run ideas around and not feel out of place or judged for your emotions. Im sorry for the loss of your Dad and the closure that wasn't possible.
I also agree with the other posters about your Mom. As a mother and an adoptee over the years thought about what if my kids were adopted... when would I tell them?
I cannot think of a single time that I thought it would have been a good time. Adoptive parents are in a tuff position when it comes to timing and all the questions that wil ensue that they cannot answer. As far as your birth certificate.... it is called an amended birth certificate and it is done for all adoptees. Your parents didnt go to any great lengths to secure one, it is automatically done. What they did go to great length's to do was adopt you. Adoption is not an easy or cheap thing to do, emotionally or financially. They really wanted you to be family.
There was a post to adoptees a while ago to answer a question...who do you feel is your Real Mom?
My answer was an easy one...... the one who chose tobe present in my life and for me to be present in hers. Not the one who chose for me to not be in her life or her in mine.
There have been many times I wished I didnt know I was adopted. Life would have been easier. No wondering, not being reminded everytime i filled out medical papers that i was adopted as i couldnt answer any family medical questions. When others I knew did a family tree and asked me if i was doing one ( they forgot i was adopted) and i reminded them that i was. Little comment's by family members that are meant to make me feel biologically like them, but make me feel like I am not. They mean no harm, they love me. When adoption or adopted isnt mentioned...they all forget, we are just part of the family.
This will be a tuff emotional time for you, your family and your Mom. She has 2 losses to deal with. A child finding out they are adopted is an emotional roller coaster for the adopted parents. I am sure she wished that you were part of her and came natural to the family and life has gone along as if that was true.
She will wory about how you feel, will you still love her, she will ask herself a millions times most likley..when should I have told her, was there a "right time" and I missed it? and she wont have the person who was there for the decisions all those years, her life partner ( your Dad) that she discussed things with and who decided things with her, her sounding board and the persdon she vented to.
Take care of yourself be easy on you and your mom for a bit and remember you are loved
Just my 2 cents

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by belovedone

I just found out that I was adopted a couple of months ago...July 17 to be exact...the day before my "father " died. My adopted parents had no intention of ever telling me and had in fact gone through great pains to insure that I not find out...including securing a birth certificate for me that named them as my parents. I was adopted within 36 hours of my birth.
I found out when my sister, brother, and I were looking through my father's papers for his dd214...long story in itself...and my brother came across a letter to my grandparents from my mother about me. He didn't read it all the way through but thought I might get a kick out of it and handed it to me to read. There on the bottom of the second page my mom had noted to them the details of my adoption to be published in the local newspaper. I couldn't move or think for a second or two...then I looked up at my sister and brother...both of whom were still busily looking through old pictures and papers...and said "uh..I'm adopted." They both looked up at me at the same time waiting for the punchline I guess. Then there was dead silence for a few minutes as we all absorbed the information together. I knew that they were both biologically my parents' children because I recalled my mother's pregnancy and their births. Finally my sister broke the silence and said "are you going to call mom?"
I did...right then...with my brother and sister standing by waiting to see what she would say. I spent a couple of seconds with the usual pleasantries then just blurted out that I had found a letter saying I was adopted and was I? Dead silence on the other end. I said "I take it that's a yes?" and she finally said yes. Every one who is older than me in my whole "family"... knew but lied to me or never told me. The only people not in on the deception were my brother and sister. I'm still in shock. My mother still doesn't really want to discuss it with me and I don't seem to really want to discuss it either..except with people not related to me...I guess that means everyone though...haha .
The next day my father died without waking up from his breif coma...no closure...no chance to confront him or ask him anything. I arranged and spoke at his memorial service...I have a portion of his remains in an urn on my mantel...I don't know why...
There I was surrounded by all these people whom I had spent my whole life thinking were my family...alone in this crowd of people who had actively deceived me my whole life...I was too numb to react, to do anything but those things that i would have done if I had not found out...but inside of me a part of me was screaming and shaking and utterly confused at the whole macabre situation.
My childhood was fine. My "parents" loved me and protected me and never laid a hand on me. My childhood was probably better than 80% of the world's. I always felt that I didn't fit in with them...especially at family picture time...but the one time that I asked point blank if I was adopted, my mother lied to my face.
I'm lost...
My only blood relative...my daughter...now what?

send a letter to the below people. It is free, though they will accept a donation, but not required.

Ask your mom for any documents she may have, or at least if it was private or agency. if agency contact them and see if there is a letter in your file from you bmom allowing contact.

It may be hard on your mom, but this is a secret she has been keeping for a long time, and she may be ready to give it up.

She is the adult, the parent, and she is not a child to be pampered in this. It was her and your fathers choice to withhold this information. But they may have been told to withhold it too.

To be honest, keeping the letter was done on purpose, if they never wanted you to find out, they would have destroyed it. Ask your mom if you can go though all her legal papers, she may still have it all.


Ask her if yours was a in-family adoption, or if she met the bmom.
find out the state the adoption was handled in,

write to the county and see if they have non idea information about either or both of your birthparents

if nothing else it will give you something to do.

It will give you some control of this situation that you feel you have no control over right now.

Being adopted doesn't mean you bmom didn't want you.
------------
The International Soundex Reunion Registry is the world's largest reunion registry and is a free service. Get your registration form by sending a Self- Addressed Stamped Envelope to:

I.S.R.R.
P.O. Box 2312
Carson City, Nevada
89702-2312
You can reach them by phone at (775) 882-7755
You can also print a registration form online at online at ISRR.net

To Read: ISRR praised in DEAR ABBY * Volunteer for RegDay! - Meet other local people touched by adoption and help people learn how to reconnect through ISRR! *

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by txrnr

I am sorry for the loss of your Dad. That's tough. I completely understand your need to vent, and to be angry. I don't blame you, and I think it's healthy. I can't imagine finding out so late in life.

If it helps any, your parents were most likely doing what they thought they had to do to protect you. Adoptions back then were closed, and everyone involved were told to move on, and forget the adoption part. Birthmothers were told to forget, and they'd never have contact. Adoptive parents didn't want other people looking at their child thinking they were different, and wouldn't be able to answer questions you may have had because they had no info themselves. While I think your parents made the wrong choice to keep it a secret, it sounds like they did it for all the right reasons. I'm sure you already know this, but sometimes it helps to hear other people confirm it.

Every memory you have of your life is still real. There were just parts you didn't know. I think everyone has those, adopted or not.

Good luck to you. Vent all you want here.

In the old days being a bastard was something to be dreaded. That was why they closed adoptions. Not to protect birthmothers, but to remove the stigma of bastard child. Very old orginal birthcert actually had bastard on them.

But you are right, many were told to lie, to pretend they had given birth when pretty much everyone knew the truth.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by belovedone

Thank you so much for your supportive comments. I came and checked this site as soon as I got up this morning just ot see what people who shared my experiences to some degree would say. My sister and my husband think I should be enraged and marvel that I still speak to my mom everyday...just as I always have. I guess I do have some anger...maybe more than I realize yet...but I have no desire to throw away my whole childhood and all the wonderful memories.
It helps to know that others think that I should treasure those memories and release the anger too.
Maybe it's weird hoping to have others tell you how you should feel...but I'm still at a loss on how to feel for myself. Thank you for your replies. I needed them and still do. And thank you for allowing me a place to vent where there is no emotional backlash and no one I can really hurt with my anger and confusion.

Your family will always be your family, no one, except you can change that.

Even if you find you birthfamily, your love for your family will never change. It may even be stronger.

And, you may just be lucky and get more family to love.

[jrainbow]

First of all, I am very impressed with your common sense and your empathy with your Mom during this time. The easy thing would be to be angry with your Mom and Dad but that would probably not be the best thing in the long run for you. I'm sure your Mom is doing all the beating up of herself without any help from you.

In most cases, it is very difficult for an adoptive mother when her child wants to search for her birthparents. For your mom, it is probably doubly hard since it may be something she worried about if you found out the "secret". From this forum, it is very clear that almost all adoptees who discover they are adopted late in life want to search - so your desire is totally natural and normal. I'm not sure if there is any way to reassure your Mom, but your "real" family is the family you grew up with. Finding your bparents is marvelous in some cases, answers questions usually, and sometimes is a nightmare but, from what I have seen, the Mom and Dad who raised you (if you had a good childhood) are still Mom and Dad.

My sister, who is also adopted, did her search in private - she never lied to my parents but she knew that the fact that she searched and found her bmom would hurt them and didn't want to do that. Of course, my brother and I both knew. It isn't the best way but it did work for her. As adults, we have the right to do what is best for us but the responsibility to do it in a way that doesn't hurt others unnecessarily.

Good luck

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Sun8

Belovedone,
As far as your birth certificate.... it is called an amended birth certificate and it is done for all adoptees. Your parents didnt go to any great lengths to secure one, it is automatically done. There was a post to adoptees a while ago to answer a question...who do you feel is your Real Mom?

There have been many times I wished I didnt know I was adopted. Life would have been easier. No wondering, not being reminded everytime i filled out medical papers that i was adopted as i couldnt answer any family medical questions. When others I knew did a family tree and asked me if i was doing one ( they forgot i was adopted) and i reminded them that i was. Little comment's by family members that are meant to make me feel biologically like them, but make me feel like I am not. They mean no harm, they love me. When adoption or adopted isnt mentioned...they all forget, we are just part of the family.
Take care of yourself be easy on you and your mom for a bit and remember you are loved
Just my 2 cents

Not knowing your medical history could kill you, not having true medical information could lead to wrong treatment.

As some adoptees know there are different types of family trees, genentic trees where only blood relatives are list and general family trees where everyone is listed.

I think everyone should be listed and notations made.

For some blood line is important in a family tree, for others it is only a little important. Family being the key word.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by Scarlet Moon 13

In the old days being a bastard was something to be dreaded. That was why they closed adoptions. Not to protect birthmothers, but to remove the stigma of bastard child. Very old orginal birthcert actually had bastard on them.

But you are right, many were told to lie, to pretend they had given birth when pretty much everyone knew the truth.

Dear belovedone,

As the others have said, your parents are your parents. Discovering at 36 that you are adopted, doesn't change that fact. They are legally your parents as well as emotionally, etc. You have been family, virtually since your birth. That hasn't changed.

What has changed is your understanding both of who you are and who your parents are. Not only have you discovered you are not related by blood, you've also discovered that they lied to you by what they said and what they didn't say. Your understanding of them and who they are as parents and as people has been affected. Now you have to grieve not only the death of your Dad but also your understanding both of who he was and who you are.

Anger is a part of grief. So is blaming. Perhaps caring for your mom as she deals with her grief over your Dad (and the loss of your innocence about your adoption[!]) Perhaps as she discovers you are still there, still loving her, she will be able to open up and tell you about your origins and why they felt it was necessary to hide them from you.

My birthson is a year younger than you are, he has always known he was adopted. (That was one thing the agency promised that actually happened.) He grew up believing that I didn't want him or care about him and with a lot of anger (directed at me, I think.) even though he had a good life and was (and) is loved and cherished by his (a)parents.

These forums are a special place where you can come to share, vent, ask questions, find (and give) support. Welcome.