[belovedone]

I don't know if I'm ready to know my birth parents but I do want to know about my ethnicity...am I Italian? Native American? German? and I want to know about my family medical history. But I don't really want to meet them afterall..."who needs more people to resent?" (a very poignant and relevant quote I found from another adoptee's essay). Do you suppose I can have just the pieces of the puzzle that I want or is that unlikely to be the case?

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by belovedone

I don't know if I'm ready to know my birth parents but I do want to know about my ethnicity...am I Italian? Native American? German? and I want to know about my family medical history. But I don't really want to meet them afterall..."who needs more people to resent?" (a very poignant and relevant quote I found from another adoptee's essay). Do you suppose I can have just the pieces of the puzzle that I want or is that unlikely to be the case?

your birth parents may not want to meet you either,

or, they may have been waiting for the day you would be ready to meet them.

Either way, it is hard.

If my bson whom I loved all his life had said medical info then good bye, I don't know what I would have done.

I would have been devasted.

Or if he had died before I had a chance to tell him how much I loved him, how much I had wanted him.

Reunions are hard.

Yes, you could be opening up a can of spoiled worms
OR
you could find one or more wonderful people EXACTLY like you to love and be loved by.

I am sure if you ask your mom, you will do it in the best way possible, so that she knows you will always love her.
Give her time, she may have always wanted to tell you and fears you will leave her now that you do know.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by belovedone

I don't know if I'm ready to know my birth parents but I do want to know about my ethnicity...am I Italian? Native American? German? and I want to know about my family medical history. But I don't really want to meet them afterall..."who needs more people to resent?" (a very poignant and relevant quote I found from another adoptee's essay). Do you suppose I can have just the pieces of the puzzle that I want or is that unlikely to be the case?

Unfortunately, no one can tell you the answer to your questions ahead of time. One of the first questions D had for me was the one of nationality. Another of course, was the question of medical history. He also looked up my church webpage as soon as his parents gave him the info and seemed pleased to discover that there actually was someone he looked like. Had he chosen not to actually be in contact with me... I could have lived with that. I would at least have known that he was alive and well, which is more than I knew for over 32 years. Instead, I have had the joy of getting to know him as an adult. I don't think he resents me at this point (at least I truly hope not.).

You will also have read repeatedly the advice to take reunion slowly. Should this woman prove to be your birth mother, the questions you are rasing are a good way to start. You can decide at each step if you want to move forward. You also don't know at this point what the bmom hopes will happen with the reunion.

[txrnr]

That's the information I was (am) looking for. I started by petitioning the state (IN) for my non-id, and there wasn't much, but I did finally know time of birth, and the actual city I was born in. Then I requested non-id from my agency and found out more including a great deal of medical. There are options if you don't want contact. Of course, not all non-id has as much info as mine did.

Originally Posted by belovedone

I don't know if I'm ready to know my birth parents but I do want to know about my ethnicity...am I Italian? Native American? German? and I want to know about my family medical history. But I don't really want to meet them afterall..."who needs more people to resent?" (a very poignant and relevant quote I found from another adoptee's essay). Do you suppose I can have just the pieces of the puzzle that I want or is that unlikely to be the case?

[belovedone]

Well I used this forum as a launching pad to talk to my mom about how I feel. I thought if she read some of the replies and some of the stories on this site she might gain insight into why this discovery has thrown me for such a loop. I don't think she understands still but she did tell me that if I want to try to find my birth parents she will understand, not be angry, and help me. She also told me that if I needed to go to counseling over the matter she would pay for it and even go with me if that was what I wanted...I am soo lucky to have her. I don't think I'm going to need counseling thank goodness but still...
I guess I just wanted to share that little tidbit in case anyone else was having trouble talking to their adopted parents about their feelings after finding out late in life. Maybe showing them this site can help you explain too. I know that the last thing I wanted to do was hurt mom after she has given me so much and raised me well my whole life. Thanks again for all of your replies as I am sure they helped my mom to get a clue about how this has affected others too.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by belovedone

Well I used this forum as a launching pad to talk to my mom about how I feel. I thought if she read some of the replies and some of the stories on this site she might gain insight into why this discovery has thrown me for such a loop. I don't think she understands still but she did tell me that if I want to try to find my birth parents she will understand, not be angry, and help me. She also told me that if I needed to go to counseling over the matter she would pay for it and even go with me if that was what I wanted...I am soo lucky to have her. I don't think I'm going to need counseling thank goodness but still...
I guess I just wanted to share that little tidbit in case anyone else was having trouble talking to their adopted parents about their feelings after finding out late in life. Maybe showing them this site can help you explain too. I know that the last thing I wanted to do was hurt mom after she has given me so much and raised me well my whole life. Thanks again for all of your replies as I am sure they helped my mom to get a clue about how this has affected others too.

YOU do have a great mom. See has thought about it, and she told that she was ok with your searching.

If you do, don't though away the gift she has given you, don't wait until she is dead. She needs to know that by searching and possibly finding, that is showing her you forgive her for keeping it a secret.

I mean by this, she could have said, go search but don't tell me, I don't want to know. But she didn't. She said she would help.

To say this, may have been hard. But if she didn't mean it, she wouldn't have said it.

Hugs

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by belovedone

. I don't think I'm going to need counseling thank goodness but still...
.... I know that the last thing I wanted to do was hurt mom after she has given me so much and raised me well my whole life.

I agree with a comment already made, that if you search for your bparents in order to find medical information, I think that would have ripped my heart open. I can't imagine what a shock it must have been at your age to find out that you were adopted. However, I do feel that if you amom can get her head around that any contact you make with your bparents is about identity and nothing to do with how "good" a mother she's been, then it may help allay her fears.

I would respectfully suggest that you will need counselling. There will be much suppressed anger which has shown a little in your thread and it will need to come out. Preferably through a skilled counsellor and please make sure it is someone who is skilled in adoption issues. An counsellor for any other subject just won't do it. Sorry.

I think possibly it may not be a good time at the minute to pursue your bparents for info whilst you are still grieving your adad. Thats just a thought. I just feel that reunion or ANY contact will set off emotions you never thought possible. I know when my son and I met our first face to face, it was great, but afterward he was bowled over by his emotions. He described them to me, he just wasn't prepared for how it would affect him.

If you can get counselling, great. I would suggest you talk through your hopes, fears, objectives, anger, love, the whole lot. It does help I found. Also, this website is second to none and indeed gives a variety of answers that may strike home as to how you are feeling and put across others thoughts (respectfully, one of the best parts of the forums, is it is so WELL moderated. I've been on other websites and its full of bitter diatribes going nowhere).

So life has a whole lot of doors before you. Which ones you choose to open depends on you. But do get prepared first. Read more answers on this forum as to how adoptive and birth parents feel, fear, wish, hope. Get insight into the whole scene. Then whatever you decide will be based on knowledge rather than just a feeling and you will then do what's right for you.

The following book is quite good and I wished I'd gotten hold of it earlier. "The adoption reunion survival guide - preparing yourself for the search, reunion and beyond" by Julie Bailey & Lynn Giddens. I've seen its just a few dollars on a famous internet book site that is named after a famous south american river!!! or you can order it through your local library.

[Lucia65]

Originally Posted by belovedone

I just found out that I was adopted a couple of months ago...July 17 to be exact...the day before my "father " died. My adopted parents had no intention of ever telling me and had in fact gone through great pains to insure that I not find out...including securing a birth certificate for me that named them as my parents. I was adopted within 36 hours of my birth.
I found out when my sister, brother, and I were looking through my father's papers for his dd214...long story in itself...and my brother came across a letter to my grandparents from my mother about me. He didn't read it all the way through but thought I might get a kick out of it and handed it to me to read. There on the bottom of the second page my mom had noted to them the details of my adoption to be published in the local newspaper. I couldn't move or think for a second or two...then I looked up at my sister and brother...both of whom were still busily looking through old pictures and papers...and said "uh..I'm adopted." They both looked up at me at the same time waiting for the punchline I guess. Then there was dead silence for a few minutes as we all absorbed the information together. I knew that they were both biologically my parents' children because I recalled my mother's pregnancy and their births. Finally my sister broke the silence and said "are you going to call mom?"
I did...right then...with my brother and sister standing by waiting to see what she would say. I spent a couple of seconds with the usual pleasantries then just blurted out that I had found a letter saying I was adopted and was I? Dead silence on the other end. I said "I take it that's a yes?" and she finally said yes. Every one who is older than me in my whole "family"... knew but lied to me or never told me. The only people not in on the deception were my brother and sister. I'm still in shock. My mother still doesn't really want to discuss it with me and I don't seem to really want to discuss it either..except with people not related to me...I guess that means everyone though...haha .
The next day my father died without waking up from his breif coma...no closure...no chance to confront him or ask him anything. I arranged and spoke at his memorial service...I have a portion of his remains in an urn on my mantel...I don't know why...
There I was surrounded by all these people whom I had spent my whole life thinking were my family...alone in this crowd of people who had actively deceived me my whole life...I was too numb to react, to do anything but those things that i would have done if I had not found out...but inside of me a part of me was screaming and shaking and utterly confused at the whole macabre situation.
My childhood was fine. My "parents" loved me and protected me and never laid a hand on me. My childhood was probably better than 80% of the world's. I always felt that I didn't fit in with them...especially at family picture time...but the one time that I asked point blank if I was adopted, my mother lied to my face.
I'm lost...
My only blood relative...my daughter...now what?

Don't feel bad. My Mom died in 2000 and in 20003 outside the local post office I ran into one of her long ago neighbors....she stopped in her tracks when I said hello to her.....and then she said "I have something to tell you and I think you should know because I would want too....you were adopted!" I wasn't too shocked because I always felt growing up something wasn't right, some big secret....plus I overheard my Mom saying something to a schoolmates Mother on the front porch one day that just didn't sound right. I must've been about 10 years ago and I remember is so clearly. When I found out I was adopted I was 39 years old. I searched for my birth mother and found her, too bad she doesn't want to pull out the past skeletons from her closet and has chosen to play like I don't exist. But I do have a great relationship with her sister, my Aunt. So you win some you lose some. But I know how it feels because there are days when I go around thinking this would've been something great to share with my mother, so many unanswered questions that I will never know the answer too, but oh well ! I guess my Mother tried to protect me from the truth for her own reasons. Whatever ! lol.

[Gwen Berndt]

Hi Beloved One,
I'm glad to hear you talked with your Mom about being interested in your birthfamily. What a shock, to find out you're adopted at 36 (which, incidentally, is my age, too). I've always known I'm adopted, and I'm still having a hard time sorting through the emotions involved in it.

It might really help you to do some research at this point. Someone suggested reading the "Adoption Reunion Survival Guide", which is absolutely a good book and should be read before you go making contact. Other good books that you should really check out are:

"The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler, which is a series of interviews with birthmothers from the pre-Roe-Vs-Wade era - in other words, our birthmothers' group. It's a real eye-opener as to what they had to deal with in the society of the times. It's also quite sad, so pick a quiet time to read it and have a box of Kleenex handy. It's totally worth the tears...

"The Primal Wound" by Nancy Newton Verrier. I just finished reading this one, and saw so much of myself in there (although, certainly, not all of it applied to me). It will help you understand the psychological impact of adoption on adoptees - even if you just found out you were adopted. Not terribly sad, but really pretty eye-opening.

And, well, I read a ton of other books, too, but those are really the best. Since this is still all very new to you, the more reading you do (in books or on this website) the better it will help you understand your situation.

As for your birthmother, you may actually decide at some point that you want more than just your ethnic and medical backgrounds - and that's really okay.

The one thing I've kept saying to my Mom and Dad (adopted parents) is that I love them very much and I'm not looking to replace them. They know about my search and they're supportive, but I can tell when they start feeling uncomfortable, and that's when I repeat this to them. I'm glad to hear that your Mom is being supportive - just make sure you keep telling her you love her and you're not looking for another Mom. It will help. Hang in there, and good luck to you.

Peace,

[Lucia65]

Thanks for the information it is appreciated. Its hard to get through the thoughts sometimes, but as the years have passed I find it much easier to deal with. I don't have anyone to talk too about my adoption, or to answer my questions since both of my adoptive-parents are long gone. I still hope for the day my Mother can face me, but from what her sister says it might not be too soon. Oh well ! In a sense its her loss. I have to keep on going with my life instead of feel sorry for myself. Besides, life was pretty good and my adoptive parents had to have been some special people to accept a new baby into their home, especially since I wasn't born from either one of them. I guess I cannot imagine finding that bond with a child that wasn't born from your womb, but somehow the love of a child is so strong...it doesn't matter in the long run Life goes on in so many ways....and it was perfectly fine for me to find out that all along I had 2 Mom's in my life, but one isn't here anymore, and she was the BEST !

[StarryNights™]

I can tell you first hand getting the news that you are adopted at 35 is not an easy thing to swallow. I am now 41 and I still have days where my anger level hits an all time high over having found out so late in life. I am reunited unfortunately. (long story)

Learning so late in life causes a roller coaster ride in of itself. As if being adopted wasn't enough to handle. It is a life of lies and coverups. I do not know how many times I spent feeling like I was beating my head up against a wall trying to accept that my relatives (adad's family) were really not my biological family.

If you want to talk and need a sounding board... By all means feel free to contact me. I will be glad to listen and relate.