[idaho]

Hi! I'm new to this forum, and I'm not an adoptee. I (and the guy who knocked me up) put a baby up for adoption 21 years ago. It was an open adoption and the birth father and I always hoped for info about him as he grew up. Well, he and I just found out that the adoptive parents never even told the kid that he was adopted. He doesn't have any siblings. If I had even thought that maybe they would keep that from him, I would never have picked them as parents. I am astounded that you could keep that from someone for so long (the parents also moved about five times in the last 21 years). I am also livid, as it was a verbal agreement between the parents and us that they would tell him.

I'm wondering what you guys think about this. Is it inevitable that he find out? Is it better to leave him in the dark and let him live out his life? Do I have a right to contact him? He's 21, sort of wallowing, trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life (according to the adoptive dad). I found his myspace page. This is so contrary to the values I have. But I also don't want to do the wrong thing by him.

Anyone?

[bumblebeeskies]

Secrets are always found out. It makes me sick that some adoptive parents do this. I think a warning letter to the aparents is needed in this kind of situation. I would write something like this...
Dear XYZ and ABC,

My name is " " and as you probably remember, I am " "'s birth mom. I have recently found out that " " does not know about his adoption. I am confused by this, as you had agreed that " " would always know that he was adopted. Since he is 21 now, I would like to correspond and possibly meet " ". However, I know that I am not the person who should tell him the truth. I am planning on contacting him on "10/10/2007" and hope that he has been told by then. I am not trying to interrupt your lives, but I believe that " " has the right to know.
Sincerely,
XXX


This gives them the responsibility of telling him. Once the date you give them rolls around, you have every right to contact him. Do not feel guilty. It's no surprise that he is in turmoil. He probably knows that "something" isn't quite right.

Originally Posted by idaho

Hi! I'm new to this forum, and I'm not an adoptee. I (and the guy who knocked me up) put a baby up for adoption 21 years ago. It was an open adoption and the birth father and I always hoped for info about him as he grew up. Well, he and I just found out that the adoptive parents never even told the kid that he was adopted. He doesn't have any siblings. If I had even thought that maybe they would keep that from him, I would never have picked them as parents. I am astounded that you could keep that from someone for so long (the parents also moved about five times in the last 21 years). I am also livid, as it was a verbal agreement between the parents and us that they would tell him.

I'm wondering what you guys think about this. Is it inevitable that he find out? Is it better to leave him in the dark and let him live out his life? Do I have a right to contact him? He's 21, sort of wallowing, trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life (according to the adoptive dad). I found his myspace page. This is so contrary to the values I have. But I also don't want to do the wrong thing by him.

Anyone?

[fauxgina]

Idaho, I'm so sorry your hopes for your child have been dashed by secretive adoptive parents. I think bumblebee has offered some good advice, and I agree wholeheartedly that your son almost certainly suspects that he doesn't quite "fit" in his adoptive family. He knows he is adopted, even if he doesn't know it.

While bumblebee's advice is good, I find myself balking a little bit at the idea of telling the aparents that you intend on contacting your/their son at a certain time regardless of what they have or have not told him. Perhaps leave that for a second or third letter, if they don't tell him. My only reason for this is that, if and when they do tell him, he will be terribly hurt, upset, confused, and lost. While this may seem the ideal time to try to swoop in to save him, he may need some time to regain his bearings after being thrown into a tailspin. His identity will at once be confirmed and demolished, and while it is no one's express fault (remember his aparents may have broken their verbal contract with you, but they--like you--feel they have their reasons for doing what they've done), he may not be emotionally available to being contacted by you right away. Perhaps include in the letter to his aparents a message to him: that you have always thought about him, that you didn't try contacting him for fear of "intruding" on the better life you hoped you had given him, and that you are open to being contacted by him whenever he is ready. Chances are he will be up for it, especially if the only parents he's known prove to be untrustworthy. Whatever happens, it will be an incredibly tumultuous time for everyone in the triad, so please just step carefully among the land mines.

I hope you can reach a decision that you feel comfortable with and works for your particular, unfortunate situation.

Best wishes,
Gina

[jrainbow]

It sounds like you are in contact with his aparents. Although I agree that sending a letter to the adoptive parents is a good idea, I think that sending an ultimatum is the wrong way to begin a relationship with your son that you want to last a very long time. Maybe something not as confrontational and more concerned will get your message across and also make it easier for the aparents to act. If you think that you can discuss this with the aparents verbally better, that would be ok ... but you don't want it to let a conversation disintegrate into an argument.

I don't know how you found out that he doesn't know that he is adopted. But, if you know for sure that he doesn't know, then maybe you could express concern that he is giving the wrong medical history information to doctors. Also, you can express your concern that this information if discovered by surprise, it can harm him. The adoption secret has a tendency of coming to light - too many people know the "secret".

Also, even though the aparents didn't do all you believed they would, they still raised your son as their own. Lots of boys at 21 are "sort of wallowing, trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life" This is nothing unusual. Working together with his parents on a longer timeline, I think, would be better for him. Although 21 is technically an adult, it is still very young. Time is on your side and making this discovery a positive experience eventually for your son is just another gift you can give him. You have already given him so much.

[StarryNights™]

Idaho,

Let me tell you after having found out I was adopted at 35 the odds are in his favor he will find out but in some way he really wished he didn't. Meaning an accident, disease, or in my case getting my passport.) One of my biggest issues is the fact that probably close to 15 people KNEW I was adopted but never breathed a word of it. I felt so betrayed by these people and still do! They felt it was not their responsibility to tell me. That is like keeping a huge secret from your best friend only to find out from someone else what the secret is. You never fully trust those people again... Wondering what they are always hiding. It's called lying by obmission. From my point of view, I would make contact. Upset that applecart. My question to you is, can you live with yourself for keeping that secret going? Just a thought.

[greencat]

Hi~ Im a birthmom in sort of the same situation. I found my daughter earlier this year on myspace. I put all the info I could, without details and names On myspace, then sent her an email, It asked her to check out my page and add me as a friend if she wished. I figured, at best, she would know who I was, at worst, she would figure me for some nut or something. So, she replies, and adds me... Im extatic... a few days go by, and then she reads my page. I get a question in the next email... are you my mom. OK, now Im blown away. I thought she knew. Turns out her parents "never mentioned" her being adopted. So, with that, she confronts her parents, who continue to lie for almost another month. During this time, we emailed back and forth. I faced the same question posed above, what was I to do, continue the lie??? I couldn't do that, I had to follow my heart. I cherish those emails now. Her last email to me stated that she finally knew the truth, I was a drug addicted , for lack of a better word sl*t, that abandoned her and her family, and her parents just kept the secret to protect her.Mind you, this is not the truth. Oh, yeah, in that letter, she also said she never wanted contact with me again. I think I forgot to mention, she's 19, and all this has happened over the last year. I have tried to find info on adoptees who find out late, but theres not much out there. And, moost of what I can find are from adoptees that were older (30-50) when they found out. I have had no futher contact with her. Anyway, even knowing what I know now, I would do it all over again. She deserved to know the truth. I hope she truly is at peace with the whole situation. If she is happy, I am happy. Anyway~ I wish you the very best of luck. There are no rule books, you just have to follow your heart <3

[julie23]

it is perhaps the most heartbreaking thing... when adoptive parents don't keep their word... don't do what they promised.... and then act like birthmom is the enemy...

how strange.

something i cannot comprehend. birthmom entrusted her most precious newborn baby to them....

i wonder how many of us wish we had picked different adoptive parents... i know that if i had the opportunity to meet the adoptive mom, i never would have picked them.... not in a million years.... but i didn't have that luxury all those years ago....

and now i have to live with that mistake....

j

[idaho]

Hey Greencat -- eternal optimist that I am (hence my desire to contact the kid), at some point your daughter (or whatever the term is here) is going to realize that if her a-rents had been lying to her for 19 years about who she was, then they can just as easily be lying about who you are. She'll come around. Don't know how long it will take, but she will. Keep up that myspace page -- I'm guessing she'll be looking at it from time to time.

But thanks for pointing out potential pitfalls.

So what I don't understand with a-rents keeping this info from their kids, what do they tell the kids when the kid asks what it was like in the hospital? What time was I born? Was I a hard labor? I just don't get it.

[greencat]

My daughter said she always wondered how come her mother had sono's and details of her brothers birth, but not even pictures of her until she was 18 months. She just trusted her mother. Sad for everyone involved.

[idaho]

She'll figure it out. Time stews all inconsistencies.

I'm a bit concerned about my [kid] though. I figured since the a-rents were gonna be raising the kid, they might as well have the sonogram I had while I was pregnant. I wonder if she [the mom] tried to pass it off as her own. But he has no siblings so maybe it never came up.

[greencat]

I just can't figure it out either, I mean, how do you keep a lie like that from anyone??? I honestly dont understand, but then again, Im honest to a fault, really, it has gotten me into trouble, my frank honesty. The flip side to that is friends will come to me for opinions, because they know I will tell them how I really feel. They asked didn't they ??? My thought was my daughter and her mother at the doctors office for a school sports physical, and I see the doc look to her mother and ask for family medical history. Then I wonder what she said, evidently, some type of lie, her mother has no idea about my, or my families health history. Then I wonder how she lived with herself. I mean, how would she feel if the situation was reversed? Not to mention, this was an in family adoption (paternal aunt) So not only did mom and dad lie, but the whole family knew. Im not sure how she is really handling it. Im sure, that like all of us, she is doing what ever it takes to cope. I hope she is glad she finally has the truth, but Im not even sure about that, and Im also sure that there are days that she wishes she didn't.I was in here the other night and found a quote that really helped me. It was something like," since we can never get into some one elses head, the best we can do is pray that everything turns out good for everyone else, no matter which path they choose" Right now, thats about all I can do. And you have been waiting as long as I have, so... what do I do??? Continue to deal, like always In your situation...My guess is if they have'nt told him by now, they never intend to. Like I said, for almost a month after I made contact with my daughter, her mother continued to deny. If I were you, I would definitely make contact. What do you have to lose? He is not in your life now, so... all you have to lose is the dream of what might be. He deserves to know. Whether he chooses to continue a relationship with you, or not.I know what you want, but it can't be about you. He still deserves the truth and the ability to make that decision by himself. I know all about the verbal agreements too. I was told she would always know, and that I would get pictures. Not only did niether happen, but the mother denied this as well. I know the truth, and so does God... In time, you are right, all things come to light. Good luck with whatever you decide <3

[ranoutofnames]

Idaho - it is a real shame that his parents didn't tell him about being adopted. From what you posted it sounds like he's going through a tough time just being a 21yr old man. Do you know exactly what is going on with him to be sort of wallowing?

What would be your goal in telling him now? What do you want to happen when he's told?

If you tell him without his parents being supportive you are opening a box that can NEVER be closed and doing so without his parents input. For 21yrs they have been caring for him and went through the ups and downs of his life. They are more likely to know what he's capable of handling emotionally.

I'm NOT saying that they did the right thing in not telling him or that he should always be kept in the dark, but what I am saying is that this sort of thing coming out at a time where he isn't stable in his life could throw him in to a direction in his life no one could anticipate.

Putting the parents on a deadline could put them in a situation where they don't handle telling him as well as they should or could. You sound like the type of person who would prefer the parents paint you in a positive light that the young man would be open to you being in his life. If they don't handle telling him well he could be so angry he won't let anyone help him through... and they could say terrible things about you.

You do have something to loose by opening up something you are not being asked to open nor are you necessarily in the position to be the one to clean up the mess. If things aren't handled appropriately at this late stage of the game he might not want contact with you and you loose a future. He could turn to destructive behaviors and you loose the dream of him having a good life.

Is there a chance you could enter into his life in a non-threatening role first?

I had a boyfriend that was 22yrs old when he located his bmom. He was sort of "searching" to find himself, not really sure about his direction in life so he thought finding out about his birth family would help. He'd always been told a specific story about his conception that was very sad and "understandable". When he did make contact she sent back a letter stating his conception was the result of a violent date rape. She wanted no contact with him. A box was opened that day and his emotionally indifferent parents were unprepared to help him deal with the pain of finding out what they had always been told was a lie. I wish I could claim a happy ending... I can't. What he had always been lead to believe was a lie and he was told at a time when he was not prepared to deal with the emotional consequences. Now at 37yrs old I've heard he still hasn't come to grips.

Like I mentioned, it's unfortunate your son wasn't told sooner and although I think he needs to know the truth I'm just questioning whether right now is the right time.

My best wishes.