[Elsa Marie]

I posted a similar message in the "interfamily adoption" site but wanted to find out if any older adoptives might be able to answer my question.

My husband and his ex adopted their daughter's son when he was approximately a year old. They plan on telling him next year on his 21st birthday. They know that they should have told him alot sooner then this.

What happens to the family dynamics when a child is older? Does the child consider his bio parent as a bio parent or continue to treat the bio parent as whatever they grew up thinking they were? Will my husband son continue to look at his bio mother as his sister or mom? Will he feel comfortable telling his friends that his adoptive parents are also his grandparents, that his adoptive sister is his bio mother, that his adoptive brother is really his uncle and that he is not only the uncle to his nieces but a cousin as well? Will he consider his bio mom's bio father (who terminated his rights to get out of paying child support but remains in his adult children's lives) as his grandfather?

Aside from obvious trust issues, what likely is to happen?

Thank you

[sal]

First of all... I think he should be told AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!! There is no reason to wait until he is 21 in my opinion. I'm an adoptee who would have been FURIOUS to find out about something as personal as an adoption that had been kept from me. Everyone is different... so there is no way to predict how he may feel or react. I'd be prepared for a possible HUGE TSUNAMI of emotions from him...which may include betrayal, grief, anger, disbelief... etc. I hope that this is NOT sprung on him on his 21st birthday... he needs to know this NOW! I grew up knowing that I was adopted...went to kindergarten knowing... there are many late discovery adoptees that frequent these forums...I hope that they will be able to give you their insight.... sal

[bromanchik]

The real question here is "How will the secrets and lies of omission effect this adoptee?" They should not wait another moment.

[tulley_lt]

It will change some..........it all depends on the adoptee and how they handle it.Me,in my case,I was furious when I found out............it has taken me awhile to calm down,but the hurt is still there and at times I still get fired up.I can't change what happened and life goes on.