[Smile_Forever]

Ok so ive been on this for like 10minutes but thought id post my story . I found out pretty straight forward, my mum sat me down when i was about 11, she told me she wasnt my real mum and showed me a bit of paper that told me about my date of birth, weight, my mother and my "supposed" father pretty basic and that was it, im now 19 and it has never once been talked about or discussed. I feel like its a taboo subject.

I never really understood at 11, i think i was to young to really register but as the years have gone on ive felt this pain and hollowness like im in the wrong family, ive felt lied to and i feel like i cant do anything about it. Ive always felt like there is something being hidden from me maybe not something major but something im not supposed to know or they dont want me to know. I know people say adoption is about love but i dont see that I hate it, i hate being adopted. The way my parents handled it and they still do just makes it worse for me, it was like a story read once never again i know its stupid due to what some others have gone through but it just hurts, i feel like a bit part.

[WaitingMommy26]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that! I think it is the right of all adoptees to know the truth about who they are and where they come from and they should feel comfortable to ask questions and talk openly about it. So I am so sorry that your aparents didn't do that for you. But all aparents aren't that way, some know the importance of making sure the child feels comfortable to talk about it. Please don't feel like you hate adoption, just dislike the way it was handled.

I myself had a rough childhood dealing with abuse and neglect and I often wished that someone would adopt me and give me a loving home. Adoption in itself is a very loving thing. It's just sad that sometimes aparents (as well as bio parents) do what's in their best interest and not what's in the best interest of their child.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you!

[krielly]

Sorry to hear that you are hurting.........
You said that it was never talked about after you were told at age 11. Did you ask your mom about it at all since then? If not, perhaps she doesn't realize you need to talk about it..........Maybe she assumes if you haven't brought up the subject, then you are "ok" with things............. Just a thought..................

K

[gemini678]

Hi Smile_Forever
I can understand your anger towards adoption. I agree, I don't care for it either. I will have a life full of anger and hurt and fear of abandonment b/c of the way I was given away. As a child, I thought I would grow up and take every orphan in but as an adult(and still sorting through emotional trauma ) I can't put somebody through this.
I hear of other adoptees 'happy endings' and I wonder if they're exaggerating. I wonder if they really don't question anything about being given away. Maybe I'm exaggerating my pain. I wasn't legally adopted, no family fought to get me, I was left behind. So to me, I'm more like the unwanted kid. Even though I find it comforting to find others that share my grief, I hate the fact that so many are going through the same emotional pain that I am going through. I wish some of these hurts would be thought of when bparents contemplate taking the easy road. In my situation, it was easier to give me away than to roll up some sleeves and take care of me. No excuse, things could have, should have been done differently!!

[workingclassryan]

i agree with that feeling 100%. im 28 and have known my whole life but nothing can make you feel better. knowing youre not alone is it. i felt it was a taboo subject growing up as well. everyone knew you were adopted but no one discussed it.
whenever i get out any adoption paperwork and look through it its not uncommon for me break down over it. its ridiculous but there is deep hatred because of this. my wife understands and has been good about talking whenever i need it but nothing helps the empty feeling.
unfortunately the only thing that really helped me was to come to reality and accept my birth mom did not want me and still dosent. she was very young but that is no excuse leaving someone in the world not knowing who they are. my wife made a mention the other day that my boys are the one who will carry on my last name. what good is it to be proud of who you are when you dont know.

[gemini678]

Hi Ryan,
I have my bfamily's last name. Since I wasn't legally adopted, my name never changed. I always run into others with my last name and have to catch myself before I ask where their family is from. If they ask me, I don't know.
I think the one thing that added to my anger or made the situation worse is that SHE still doesn't want anything to do with me. At first, SHE pretended as if SHE did. Once I got caught up in the whole thing, all of a sudden, SHE began to brush me off. I didn't feel I deserve that. I realized I was being treated that way b/c SHE didn't want to be bothered with me anymore. Right now, I'm getting messages from others stating SHE's been asking for my number. I cannot open myself up for that hurt again. I'm not over the way she treated me the last time.
It's good that your wife is willing to listen when you need to talk. How did you get to the point where you can trust someone else?? I ask that b/c I cannot. I haven't had a successful relationship, I feel, b/c of the abandonment issues. I don't believe anyone would be there always.
I wish you the best with the anger, you are not alone. Unfortunately, there are a lot of us adoptees who feel the same pain.

[workingclassryan]

I was with my wife for a long time before i got the courage to tell her. she was the one who got my non identifying information for me because i was to scared to know the truth of my conception and she broke it to me straight.my birth mom was 14 and my birthfather was 42. she and other teenage runaways would stay with him and his wife and they would rape them. I think the worst is the feeling of what kind of man is in my blood. I beleive everyone is in control of their own destiny, and i have no will to turn into that, however i will never be able to escape the hurt and anger i feel everyday.

[Smile_Forever]

I know what you mean ryan, recently ive found myself breaking down a lot, its kind of weird some days i dont even think about it and others its all that goes through my head and i can only talk to my best friend about it she supports me but i dont think she'll truly understand what i feel. I dont have any paperwork or anything because i tried to forget about it, i decided to try move on but in the last month something inside of me has torn it just hurts i dont know why but it has and it took a lot of courage for me to even talk to my friend about it and we share practically everything. You say u should be proud of who u are and i often wish i was sometimes i am but others i dont i think its because i dont feel proud to be part of my family as horrible as that sounds i feel like and outsider and have done for years. I dont think that can be fixed due to the way my familty is that to much time has passed, i know im only 19 but the word adoption doesnt exist in my house.

[Smile_Forever]

If you knew my mum you would know i cant. My family try to create this perfect image and this would cause so much tension and hurt it would shatter it. Id have to tell my mum i dont feel part of the family and that would break her. I think she can sometimes sense how i feel but she acts so normally about it, do u really think a child wants to talk about being rejected or a mother that her daughter feels more like a lodger

[ladybug2007]

I know exactly how u feel. I was adopted by force. My adopted father wanted me but my adopted mother did not-but she signed the papers because she loved my father. I have know that I was adopted from a very early age. And for as long as I can remember my adopted mother abused me in anyway she could. I felt like she hated me for so long. My parents adopted 4 children and mother treated my brothers like they were gold. When I had my children my mother told me that i did not have the right to be a mother, I was not capable, and she tried to take them both away from me. I repeatedly asked about my bmom while i was growing up, but i only got yelled at. "She gave you away!!" "If she wanted you she would not have gotton rid of you!!" -- these are things that I heard from my adopted mother when I asked. Now that I am 40, I still feel empty and still searching for my bmom or her family.

[workingclassryan]

I am fortunate i never had to hear that growing up. it was just an unspoke subject. me and my adoptive father were very close. i have taken parenting classes for my foster kids and we learned about nature verus nurture. i see myself as my adoptive father. the older i get the more of his traits i get. i also see it in my 7 year old son. i could make a list of compulses that only he would understand even though me and my bio-son are not blood related to my adoptive father.

[RainStorm]

I’m sorry your parents approached your adoption in that manner. Have you talked to your parents about your adoption? Perhaps they feel that if you don’t say anything you’re not having problems with it. My parents rarely talked about my adoption but it wasn’t because they were against it or it was a taboo subject. They let it be on my terms if I wanted to talk about it, fine and honestly most of the time I didn’t.


If you don’t feel you can talk to your parent’s maybe you should seek counseling it might help you some.

[SallyLF]

When I was very young I would ask my amom or adad questions about their past, their families, their heritage. THen, as a way of bringing up the adoption issue, I would say "I wish I knew things like that about myself." That way they never felt threatened by my adoption questions, never had to take them personally. The subject was never taboo but I had a fear of hurting them, or putting them on the defensive, and bringing it up this way put it out there in a very understandable way. Eventually there would be times they'd look at me and wonder about things in my genetic make up. Questions about adoption were about curiousity as opposed to dissatisfaction with my life or thier inadequacies as parents. Still, it wasn't spoken of all that much.

I feel so sad for those of you who are living with an emptiness inside, or unresolved anger. I agree that counseling can be very helpful, or even just adoption support groups where you meet different members of the triad, hear their views, can express yours uncensored. It's worth a try if it might help.