[Braunns]

I am forty years old and have a little girl that is getting ready to turn 13 years old in June. Three years ago, my daughters father faked his death and stopped his relationship with his daughter forever. My daughter had always known that I was adopted and that I found out when I was twelve years old. I had always chose not to look though for fear of what I might find out. The story was sketchy and painted a painful story of my 6 1/2 years in an orphanage before finally being adopted out to a good family. There was suspicion of abuse though and I was very afraid of people. I sufferred nightmares for quite a while. My daughter decided after the traumatic seperation with her father that I should start trying to find my birth family. We had talked about it off and on and how I had to be curious about where I had come from. My daughter wanted to know if there was more family out there so she would have someone if anything ever happened to me. Since I am a single mother, it is a realistic fear that she should worry. A few weeks ago, I started the search. I called the courthouse and realized that since my adoption took place in 1972, there would be no real fast way of getting through the court system. I contacted an adoption angel. I truly didn't expect much or anything really. I felt at this time in my life I was emotionally set to find out whatever might be out there waiting. A couple of weeks ago the adoption angel emailed me. She found out the location of three siblings. Two blood brothers and a half sister. Tragically, one of my brothers died in Iraq last year. It was two days after my daughters birthday. He was in the military and got out but decided to go back over to help do clean up. He was killed by a bomb and cremated. This is something that I have had a hard time with. He was just a year older than I am. I will never get to know him after 40 years of waiting. My other brother and sister have talked over the phone. We live in seperate parts of the country and are not sure yet when we will see each other. My sister is 46, the other brother is 44 and I am 40. We have waited a lifetime and in fact I knew that I had other siblings, but they did not. It has come as a shock to say the least. I have had trouble sleeping at night since I found out. Trying to deal with the past is not always easy. My daughter keeps saying it will be ok mom and I hope that she is right. Her and I have been alone most of her life and she is elated to know that there is an aunt and uncle out there in the world. Also, she is very proud of the uncle that she will never know. She knows that he is looking down from heaven above now. The sad thing is that he had started looking for his family in 2005 and never got the chance to know any of us. Emotionally, I never knew that finding what I lost would be so hard. I am trying to come to grips with what I have learned. I do not have the finanical means to get to my brother and sister but hope that one day we all meet. For my almost 13 year old daughter, it has brought back memories of what her father has done to her. We talk openly about our pain and hope that we are both strong enough to handle the future.

[evildishrag]

Please do not burden or involve your 12 year old daughter with adult business. She is not one of your girlfriends, she is your daughter. She is a child, not a therapist.

[kakuehl]

Recognise that you are grieving. The grief process can be very intense. You may want to talk with a counselor about the grief both you and your daught are going through. Finding family can bring to the front of your life all the emotions, memories, hopes, and dreams that you have buried deeply for years. Your daughter as well has lots of grieving to do for the father she never had as well as for the father who has walked out of her life. Let her knoe that it's ok to feel bad. It's like a wound that has to heal. Some people heal quickly, others tak a long time.