[StarryNights™]

Hello all, I decided to post this so the people who do not know my story could understand me a bit better on how I found out I was adopted.

Now for my life... I guess this all started when I went to enlist in the Navy back in 89. I needed my birth certificate and the hospital did not have a record of it. However, they did have a file with my name on it that said person must call Lansing to get certificate. The woman did tell me that they only do that with adoptions. I was like ok; uh huh I am NOT adopted. Stupid hospital! (Long history of suits it did not shock me they would screw this up too.) So I called Lansing, and sent them $. They sent me back a birth certificate with Administrator Use Only on it in big bold letters in the background. So I called back to ask them why it said that, they declined to answer. Oh well I just needed it to get enlisted anyway. I promptly gave it to my recruiter. Who then asked me to get AFFIDAVITS of who I was, along with baptism records. Dazed and confused I got required items and enlisted in July of 89. Still at that point, I believe my adoptive mother was my birth mom and that these people were crazy. Later I learned the woman who was my then godmother and signed one of those affidavits knew all along I was adopted.

Many years later, I wanted to go on a vacation to England. (2003.) I went through a company to get my passport expedited and paid a hefty sum. Not to mention paying for my airline tickets in advance. Well I waited and waited. Finally, I heard from the company who then told me, I needed to send in more information, baptism, school records etc. So I FED-EX'd them over. Only to have Washington DC call me, and tell me unless I get an affidavit from my mother they will not give me my passport. UGH! <mutters Okay, so at that point I was running ragged, aggravated and stressed out, I told my mother this information. In tears, she wrote out "I (amom's name) was present for the birth of (my name) on October 9, 1966 at 9:23am in Niles, MI." What looks odd to you about that? She was PRESENT for my birth. Not that she had me or anything else close. Then came those famous words, "You need to sit down we need to talk." She had no choice but to tell me. I said in the calmest of voices, "I have known for a long time." (Just was in denial.) She looked stunned and asked how did I know? I told her; then quietly got in my car and drove up to my favorite beach and sat there until the wee hours of the morning. A million and one thoughts ran through my mind. Years of lies! I looked like relatives, and acted like her first husband and her were just a few thoughts that would hit me on the plane trip.

[color=black]My last 36 years of my past were ALOT of LIES! I was furious! <still am I can tell you for many years I have strived not to be like the cold, money oriented, constantly complaining woman that is my so called adoptive mother. I had my wish come true the day she told me I was not biologically related. If I ever find my birth mom, I want to thank her for the fact I am not related to my adoptive mother.

Ironically, the U.S. government would let me enlist to serve them but did not want to let me go on vacation for almost two weeks! How screwed up is that?

BTW, I did find her and did tell her thanks for me not being biologically related to my mom.

[babygirlCA]

I too joined the Army in 1989, August. How has reunion been for you?

[Scarlet Moon 13]

My birthson was in the Marines, he was one of the young Marine guards at the White house for 3 years. He said one of the young Marines was denied the postion because he didn't say he was adopted when he enlisted. That young kid didn't know. For security reasons they check back on family to make sure you don't have any crazies that might come looking for you or to just get into the White House.

[Wizard298]

how did you end up finding your birth mom did your adoptive mom tell you? considering she was there when you were born she had to of known some information!

I hate lies, I have hated them even more when we very first tarted our search to find my birth mother, the lies that were told and hidden agendas made me furious!
I could not even relate to how you felt
That was horrible they hid that from you all that time!

Did you find how why you were put up for adoption?

[NYLIadoptee]

I too found out in my 30's. I cannot say though that I knew I was adopted for a fact. Always felt different than my parents and brother. I did not feel the rage that Starrynights related to. I have always had an on and off relationship with amom. She is a decent person but hard to take. Dont know if that has anything to do with the fact that I am adopted. Frankly it was a relief in a way to find out. Now I have searched and know a bit about bmom but have yet to take that next step at contact. Since several of yoy on this list are in reunion maybe you can advise. Thanks Rich

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by NYLIadoptee

I too found out in my 30's. I cannot say though that I knew I was adopted for a fact. Always felt different than my parents and brother. I did not feel the rage that Starrynights related to. I have always had an on and off relationship with amom. She is a decent person but hard to take. Dont know if that has anything to do with the fact that I am adopted. Frankly it was a relief in a way to find out. Now I have searched and know a bit about bmom but have yet to take that next step at contact. Since several of yoy on this list are in reunion maybe you can advise. Thanks Rich

There are very good books out about how to go about reunion, and there is great information on the Bastard Nation web site. Don't let the name put you off, they are great people.

This information goes for both sides, bfamily, adoptee..

She may need time to adjust when you contact her. She may not have felt she had the right to search for you and/or she may be searching too.

She may have told all those in her family, she may not. She may need time to tell them.

She may still carry the baggage from the loss of you, then again, she may have already gone though some kind of therapy.

my story

One day I found myself crying over a reunion show "Sally Jessy" I couldn't watch anymore. Then one day I was screaming at the radio when the talk show host went off that teenage girls should not be allowed to keep their babies.

I thought, I had "put" all that emotion away. But all I had done was build a wall around it. My walls were crumbling.

I started going to a birth mother support group, paid a searcher, and attended a triad support group.

I spent a lot of time screaming at my mother,(who was dead) a lot of time crying over stuff I didn't know I needed to cry about. I found out how much I had been lied too. I got my doctors records, my hospital records, my son's orginal birthcertificate.

I did some searching on my own. It took 9 months to find him.

I spoke to him on Wed, and was holding him in my arms on Saturday. I had no pictures to pick him out at the airport. I just looked for someone who looked as scared as me.

I saw a man across the alsie, he looked a little like my brother and had my youngest son's smile. He in turn was talking to his wife, and told her, "there she is, I would know her anywhere, she looks just like you."

There is a lot of emotion in reunion, good and scary, but it does get normal after a while.

[1mommy23]

I was reading all of the posts trying desperately to find someone who could relate to my husband's story and then I found yours!! I was shocked....the stories are earily similar. He is 34 and found out 5 months ago that his "mother" isn't his actual birthmom! Back about 7 years ago, we were trying to prepare to get married and we went to get a copy of his bcertificate at the clerks office. He gave his name and told them where he was born and they said,"We're sorry but we have no record of you ever being born." He was shocked but figured that it was just another error with our government and that they must have messed something up. He called his parents and his mother immediately panicked and put his dad on the phone (we thought that was strange but were still in denial and completely blind to the truth). His father just said, "yes, there must be a mistake. I'll get your bcertificate for you." His father brought us a copy of "his bcertificate" and it looked legitimate so we put all of our concern behind us and went on with life, still with some weird feelings in the back of our minds that something was strange but it was just TOO inconceivable to imagine that his parents weren't his real parents. Fast forward to 5 months ago....My husband and I were preparing to fly to Brazil for our first vacation together and again, we ran into a brick wall because the government required that we show an original sealed certificate in order to obtain a passport. Since we didn't have one, we just sent in what ID we did have and of course, it was denied and they told us that we NEEDED a stamped bcertificate. We called his parents and told them that we were driving to Illinois to get the bcertificate from them and asked that they have it ready. When we got there, his mother was nowhere to be found. This is a woman who, in 10 years, I've NEVER seen her leave her house...she doesn't even have a drivers license. RED FLAGS went up everywhere!! We asked his father for the bcertificate and he said the same phrase that you heard..."we have to talk." He pulled my husband outside for a private talk and the next thing I knew, our whole world was turned upside down. His father told him about how, when they were first married, his father had an affair and my husband was the result! His "mother" wasn't actually his birth mother! My husband was devastated! He was told that he bmother raised him on her own for the first year of his life, which was devastating to my husband because he'd always pictured his "mother" cradling him with love and singing him to sleep and giving birth to him and now, none of that was the case at all. After a year of trying to raise him on her own, his bmother couldn't do it anymore and when she realized that my husband's bfather wasn't going to leave his wife, the bmother brought him to their house and told them that she was either going to have to put him into foster care or she would give him to them. My husband "mother" and father already had his older sister at the time (she was born before the affair) but they agreed to raise him as their own as well and they did. He had 4 more siblings born after him and he loved his family more than life and still does. They are a very close family but my husband always seemed different to me than his siblings and I could never put my finger on it. The day he found out was the worst day of our lives (a bit different spin than in your story) and he's not the same person anymore. He's withdrawn and sad...he's always been my rock and now I'm finding myself trying desperately to keep him above water. He went through a stage of feeling suicidal and then withdrew from our 3 beautiful daughters and now he's at a new phase and I don't know how to handle it. He called me out of the blue 3 days ago and asked me to try and find his bmother! I was shocked because before, he would just say,"It doesn't matter that my dad had an affair. She is my mother!! I love her and I don't want another mother ever in my life" but when he called and asked me to try and find his bmother 3 days ago, I did just that because I wanted to do whatever it took to give him peace. Surprisingly, after only an hour or so of research, I tracked down a family member of his bmother and left our phone number. 10 minutes later, my phone rang and it was HER...the bmother! We were shocked and unprepared. They spoke for 2 whole hours as if they'd known each other forever...it was so "honeymoonish". She was very kind and also spoke so highly of his parents that raised him. My husband never was adopted though..it was all done under the table with falsified records and everything so his nmother was so shocked that he was just now finding out. She wanted to meet him. She heard my children in the background and said, "I have grandbabies!!" Then she said the words that my husband regrets hearing "I WANT TO MEET YOU. I WANT TO START A RELATIONSHIP." At the time, my husband was so excited to hear her and to be speaking with her that he just agreed but it wasn't until the next day that reality hit and he said, "I don't want to talk to her again. I'm not ready for this. I already have a mom." Part of me was relieved for him but another part of me felt CRUSHED for this poor woman who had just had all of these hopes and dreams come true and now they are going to be ripped out of her hands...again. I felt like he lead her on and that he owed her the truth but he just said that he didn't want to talk to her. She called our house the next night becuase, before coming to reality, my husband had given her permission to call us the next night. When she called, he wouldn't answer. The same happened the next night but that time, she left a message...filled with saddness and sorrow. My heart broke for her and for my husband because now, 2 people were suffering again. This was last night. This morning, I called her in private and told her what my husband was going through and how this was all too much for him to handle at once and that he just wanted space and time to regain control and that his main intention for wanting to talk to her to begin with was to simply tell her "Thank you for giving me life and for sacrificing for my happiness and wellbeing". She said that she understood and would respect his wishes but that her heart felt empty again. I feel so sad for both of them and I know that there has to be a better way. A big part of why my husband changed his mind about reuniting with her is because our children don't know about her or about the situation. They only know Grandma and Grandpa and his siblings (all but his older sister, who he told) don't know either. My husband said that he's afraid that if he reunites, the truth will have to come out and it will change his family forever. He also doesn't want to "betray" his mother who raised him. I don't know how to help him or how he can possibly have it both ways. I know that part of him really wants to meet her but he won't do it if he thinks he will hurt his family in any way. He'd rather suffer than do that but we are all suffering now. Any advice on how to fix this?? Is it possible to have it both ways?

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by 1mommy23

I was reading all of the posts trying desperately to find someone who could relate to my husband's story and then I found yours!! I was shocked....the stories are earily similar. He is 34 and found out 5 months ago that his "mother" isn't his actual birthmom! Back about 7 years ago, we were trying to prepare to get married and we went to get a copy of his bcertificate at the clerks office. He gave his name and told them where he was born and they said,"We're sorry but we have no record of you ever being born." He was shocked but figured that it was just another error with our government and that they must have messed something up. He called his parents and his mother immediately panicked and put his dad on the phone (we thought that was strange but were still in denial and completely blind to the truth). His father just said, "yes, there must be a mistake. I'll get your bcertificate for you." His father brought us a copy of "his bcertificate" and it looked legitimate so we put all of our concern behind us and went on with life, still with some weird feelings in the back of our minds that something was strange but it was just TOO inconceivable to imagine that his parents weren't his real parents. Fast forward to 5 months ago....My husband and I were preparing to fly to Brazil for our first vacation together and again, we ran into a brick wall because the government required that we show an original sealed certificate in order to obtain a passport. Since we didn't have one, we just sent in what ID we did have and of course, it was denied and they told us that we NEEDED a stamped bcertificate. We called his parents and told them that we were driving to Illinois to get the bcertificate from them and asked that they have it ready. When we got there, his mother was nowhere to be found. This is a woman who, in 10 years, I've NEVER seen her leave her house...she doesn't even have a drivers license. RED FLAGS went up everywhere!! We asked his father for the bcertificate and he said the same phrase that you heard..."we have to talk." He pulled my husband outside for a private talk and the next thing I knew, our whole world was turned upside down. His father told him about how, when they were first married, his father had an affair and my husband was the result! His "mother" wasn't actually his birth mother! My husband was devastated! He was told that he bmother raised him on her own for the first year of his life, which was devastating to my husband because he'd always pictured his "mother" cradling him with love and singing him to sleep and giving birth to him and now, none of that was the case at all. After a year of trying to raise him on her own, his bmother couldn't do it anymore and when she realized that my husband's bfather wasn't going to leave his wife, the bmother brought him to their house and told them that she was either going to have to put him into foster care or she would give him to them. My husband "mother" and father already had his older sister at the time (she was born before the affair) but they agreed to raise him as their own as well and they did. He had 4 more siblings born after him and he loved his family more than life and still does. They are a very close family but my husband always seemed different to me than his siblings and I could never put my finger on it. The day he found out was the worst day of our lives (a bit different spin than in your story) and he's not the same person anymore. He's withdrawn and sad...he's always been my rock and now I'm finding myself trying desperately to keep him above water. He went through a stage of feeling suicidal and then withdrew from our 3 beautiful daughters and now he's at a new phase and I don't know how to handle it. He called me out of the blue 3 days ago and asked me to try and find his bmother! I was shocked because before, he would just say,"It doesn't matter that my dad had an affair. She is my mother!! I love her and I don't want another mother ever in my life" but when he called and asked me to try and find his bmother 3 days ago, I did just that because I wanted to do whatever it took to give him peace. Surprisingly, after only an hour or so of research, I tracked down a family member of his bmother and left our phone number. 10 minutes later, my phone rang and it was HER...the bmother! We were shocked and unprepared. They spoke for 2 whole hours as if they'd known each other forever...it was so "honeymoonish". She was very kind and also spoke so highly of his parents that raised him. My husband never was adopted though..it was all done under the table with falsified records and everything so his nmother was so shocked that he was just now finding out. She wanted to meet him. She heard my children in the background and said, "I have grandbabies!!" Then she said the words that my husband regrets hearing "I WANT TO MEET YOU. I WANT TO START A RELATIONSHIP." At the time, my husband was so excited to hear her and to be speaking with her that he just agreed but it wasn't until the next day that reality hit and he said, "I don't want to talk to her again. I'm not ready for this. I already have a mom." Part of me was relieved for him but another part of me felt CRUSHED for this poor woman who had just had all of these hopes and dreams come true and now they are going to be ripped out of her hands...again. I felt like he lead her on and that he owed her the truth but he just said that he didn't want to talk to her. She called our house the next night becuase, before coming to reality, my husband had given her permission to call us the next night. When she called, he wouldn't answer. The same happened the next night but that time, she left a message...filled with saddness and sorrow. My heart broke for her and for my husband because now, 2 people were suffering again. This was last night. This morning, I called her in private and told her what my husband was going through and how this was all too much for him to handle at once and that he just wanted space and time to regain control and that his main intention for wanting to talk to her to begin with was to simply tell her "Thank you for giving me life and for sacrificing for my happiness and wellbeing". She said that she understood and would respect his wishes but that her heart felt empty again. I feel so sad for both of them and I know that there has to be a better way. A big part of why my husband changed his mind about reuniting with her is because our children don't know about her or about the situation. They only know Grandma and Grandpa and his siblings (all but his older sister, who he told) don't know either. My husband said that he's afraid that if he reunites, the truth will have to come out and it will change his family forever. He also doesn't want to "betray" his mother who raised him. I don't know how to help him or how he can possibly have it both ways. I know that part of him really wants to meet her but he won't do it if he thinks he will hurt his family in any way. He'd rather suffer than do that but we are all suffering now. Any advice on how to fix this?? Is it possible to have it both ways?

So his father is his bio father? He didn't pay support so the mother (father's girlfirend) gave him the baby, because she couldn't support thier child on her own? Then they never told him? So the wife raise's the mistress' child, wow, she is one forgiving wife.. one heck of a woman to take the child... and one heck of a mom too..

Your hubby needs counseling. Fast.. look for adoption counselors in the phone book..

Good luck.. if I got that wrong please tell me..... it is late, and I am tried... even with 3 readings this is what I understood..

[kune]

1mommy23
I agree with Scarlet, re counsellor. Someone who understands but is not involved. I think you are his Godsend - correographing a delicate dance, allowing bmom to hope, and hubby time to work everything out.

From what you posted, I think he really wants to know his firstmother but is frightened for all his other family members. At this point of time, your husband's needs are paramount. He is the innocent here. If he needs to have contact with his firstmother, he can do it without involving your children or his family. Most reunions start off with both parties swapping letters and e-mails, progress up to phone calls and then, after a "getting to know you" period, a meeting.

AND.....The reunions that work well are also those that go slowly - real slow - like months instead of weeks. There's time for everyone to settle down and really think about how this news impacts on the families.

I feel for your husband. I feel for you, and for his birthmother and his Mom. Like Scarlet I think his Mom is one heck of a woman.
Ann

[kune]

Rich

You asked for advice about contact - and I am presuming you have the name and address????

You can wonder and wonder about what she is like, whether she will want a relationship, if you have half-siblings etc......but you will never know the answer until you send a letter (or contact by other means) and find some answers.

I often suggest that you are your firstmother's child with possibly the same genetic personality. If you are open and empathetic, chances are she is too. I say take a leap of faith and make that first move. It doesn't mean you are committed to a full-on relationship for life. It may be everything you hope for, or maybe just a short liason with someone who you consider a significant other, but without that contact....you will never know.

PM me if you want a birthmother's thoughts and feelings on being contacted. I can offer you my experience. And you can share a male adoptees point of view - there is always something I can learn from.

Cheers - Ann

[1mommy23]

Thanks for your advice and encouragement. I love my husband so much and I hate seeing him in pain and confused. He still isn't ready to talk to his bmother again and said that he'd feel better if I just talked to her for a while until he was ready. He said that he doesn't want to hurt her but he just can't talk to her again yet. I've since spoken with her on numerous occasions and my husband gave me permission to email her and send her pictures of us and our children. She REALLY loved the pictures and she is very respectful and understanding of his space so I think this will eventually help in my husband making that decision to proceed because she is handling this with such a sense of respect toward him. He still hasn't even told his mom that he has been in contact with his bmother and that is really the hardest thing that he is struggling with because he really is SO close to his mom and he just adores her so much, especially since finding out all that she sacrificied for him. His bmother is a very nice woman and I know that she really wants to meet him and the children but she has been a gem through all of this and I just think that she is a very brave and strong woman. I'll just continue praying for God's hand in this and that's all that any of us can really do. I've spoken to my hubby about counseling and he says that the only person he trusts is a pastor at our church so I think he plans to speak with him. I'm going to continue to encourage him to do so but he is very stubborn so I don't know how long it will take for him to come around but I'm just going to allow him to go at his own pace. It was really nice hearing things from the bmother's perspective when hearing from you. I can't imagine the pain that comes with not having your son want to see you or talk to you....I really feel for his bmom but I also know how difficult this has been for my husband. He just feels so torn emotionally. I wish that there was a clear answer to all of this where everyone would be happy and content...my husband's worst fear is hurting these 2 women. I think that's why he just avoids it all together because he sees both of their perspectives and feels for both of them and doesn't want to hurt either of them. I'm trying to stay positive through all of this and to stay strong for him. I hope that I've done the right thing.

Keara

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by 1mommy23

Thanks for your advice and encouragement. I love my husband so much and I hate seeing him in pain and confused. He still isn't ready to talk to his bmother again and said that he'd feel better if I just talked to her for a while until he was ready. He said that he doesn't want to hurt her but he just can't talk to her again yet. I've since spoken with her on numerous occasions and my husband gave me permission to email her and send her pictures of us and our children. She REALLY loved the pictures and she is very respectful and understanding of his space so I think this will eventually help in my husband making that decision to proceed because she is handling this with such a sense of respect toward him. He still hasn't even told his mom that he has been in contact with his bmother and that is really the hardest thing that he is struggling with because he really is SO close to his mom and he just adores her so much, especially since finding out all that she sacrificied for him. His bmother is a very nice woman and I know that she really wants to meet him and the children but she has been a gem through all of this and I just think that she is a very brave and strong woman. I'll just continue praying for God's hand in this and that's all that any of us can really do. I've spoken to my hubby about counseling and he says that the only person he trusts is a pastor at our church so I think he plans to speak with him. I'm going to continue to encourage him to do so but he is very stubborn so I don't know how long it will take for him to come around but I'm just going to allow him to go at his own pace. It was really nice hearing things from the bmother's perspective when hearing from you. I can't imagine the pain that comes with not having your son want to see you or talk to you....I really feel for his bmom but I also know how difficult this has been for my husband. He just feels so torn emotionally. I wish that there was a clear answer to all of this where everyone would be happy and content...my husband's worst fear is hurting these 2 women. I think that's why he just avoids it all together because he sees both of their perspectives and feels for both of them and doesn't want to hurt either of them. I'm trying to stay positive through all of this and to stay strong for him. I hope that I've done the right thing.

Keara

No matter how much your husband trusts your pastor, he is the wrong person to talk to. Look in your phone book for adoption agencies and call and ask if they have group support meetings for adoptees.. or reunion couseling Or look for adoption relation therapist.


Many regular therapists have no experince with adoption issues.

Please try.

Or even look for books on line about reunion..

good luck