[NANASOOP]

Hello all...i am a 59 yr old female...just found out that the dad who raised me...is not my bdad...he adopted me...i was raised with three other siblings that were his...i found out recently by accident....i am not happy about it....i feel i should have been told years ago...after all i have a right and so do my children and grands...to know my real heritage and medical issues...i am very angry with my adoptive dad and my bmom...he is now in a nursing home with dementia...so no answers there..and mom is mad at me cause i found out...she thinks i am being silly...and the two siblings i was raised with wont talk to me either....how childish of them....how would they like it if it was them....i feel sooooo disconnected...and mad and crazy sometimes...i also had a bbrother...but he died very young....i did find out where he was buried tho...and now as word is getting around that i know about being adopted....seems a lot of my relatives knew it all these years....WHY on earth didnt they tell me???? it isnt right...they have a lot of nerve being mad at me cause i found out...after all...i didnt do anything wrong....i'm not the one who lied all these yrs...i feel like my whole life has been a big lie!!...seems mom threw out my adoption papers...cause "she" didnt need them!!! hmmmm....well now i have to go thru all kinds of stuff to get them....she told me my bdad is dead...but there is no death record that i can find....i'm hoping to at least find "someone" from my bfamily...that can tell me what they know....any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.....God Bless all of you!!

[jenn_e_ritter]

I am so sorry that happened to you like that. I think no matter how old you are it still hits you. I found out when I was ten and ever since my world has been crushed with fear of rejection. No matter what time it may be someone is always on this website. Someone will always been willing to help you. Let me know if there is ever a time you would like to talk.

[cnb1099]

Nansoop- I cannot even imagine how you are feeling right now. I was always told I was adopted and I agree withyou that although your mother may have felt that she was "protecting" you or doing what she thought was "right" that it really was your right to know.

I am infuriated that your family is angry with YOU for finding out.. It seems to me that they should be looking somewhere within themselves at this point to wonder why noone ever felt the need to come forward and talk with you about this, if not as a child at least when you became an adult and given you the opportunity to use the information in whatever way was right for YOU!

Most in this site understand the need to know where you came from, your heritage, your medical history. I am so sorry that you have been placed in the position that you are in and I wish you the best of luck in finding your bfamily. There are wonderful people here that have lots of helpful information.

Be blessed-


cnb

[NANASOOP]

jenn and cnb...thank you for your kind words and thoughts....as crushed as i am now....i am soooo glad i found this site...it is nice to know that i am not alone...sometimes people get mad at anything that is different....i'm assuming that is why my siblings feel the way they do...perhaps they are angry and afraid too...i cant imagine knowing since i was young...dont know how i might have handled it...although...at least i might have gotten the chance to know my bfamily...and then be able to move on...as it stands now they may all be gone...in which case .....i dont know...how do you accept and move on...when you always feel this void...wondering...what if...or who they are....anyways...thank you so much....for caring and understanding....God Bless

[cnb1099]

nansoop- I really hope that there are members of your birth family still aroud..I got so upset about your mom but I forget that those were different times and being single and pregnant or alone and having a small child was looked upon so much differently.

The adult in me looks at things differently than the empathizer in me that looks at it from an adoptee point of view that everyone should have the right to know where they came from. Then there is the bparents point of view that they made their choice and they do not want to be found. Its so hard to always see all sides, and you are so right your siblings may also be afraid of what they do not know and will never be able to fully understand.

I truelly hope that you find all the answers that you are looking for, and if you cannot, remember that not finding htem does not define who you are. You are a mom and a sister and a grandmother and those people knwo you and love you for being who you are and that is, in my opinion, the most imprtant thing you can ever take with you.

[jenn_e_ritter]

If you need anything, I am here to help. Just know that you are not alone.

[thiscitygirl]

Know that you are not a lone I found out at 30 for some reason the adoptee knowing the family secret that the family has known for years causes a lot of anger for others. I was raised with four siblings ( I thought) upon my being told by a sister in-law that I was adopted The family fell apart. Seven years latter I only speak to one of them and my adoption mom. My adoption Dad died 6 years prior to my learning I was adopted. Although I spun out of control like a car on ice. I had felt like you that my life had been a lie I did a lot of crying and then determined that my life was up to me. I had always looked to others for approval and for the first time I stopped caring I started doing what I wanted to do. I took control of myself. I slowed down to find time to take care of me. It took some time but I am a better person to myself than I was before the secert was out.
I have not contacted my birth mother and my information listed no name for my birth father. Although many questions are left still unanswered I have decided at this time I am better off focusing on me because I do not feel I could handle the rejection I might face in opening that door. I wish you the best and hope you find what you need. Your not alone
God Bless

[NANASOOP]

citygirl...thank you so much for your kind words of help and inspiration...i too have done a lot of crying...and feeling guilty because i havent talked to my bmom...or gone to visit my adopted dad...in a few months...but i am not the one who lied ...and right now i am just not ready to forgive them...i dont doubt that they loved me...and thought they were doing the right thing...but good grief...i am going to be 60 soon...and as time goes by...i keep finding out that all of my "relatives" knew all along too...it doesnt feel good...i pray that God will show me the right way...my sibs that i was raised with...dont speak to me...like i did something wrong...well...that is their issue...not mine...i have a wonderful husband and beautiful children and grandchildren....and for now...that will be enough...and if God wants me to find my bfamily...then it will be...He brought me to this...and He will bring me the rest of the way...thank you again..and may God bless you always...

[jenn_e_ritter]

I was reading an article. It was about a early 70 year old woman. It was a stormy night. She was looking through some papers and stumbled on letters. One was that she was adopted. Her aparents were dead and she lived alone. I can not imagine what went through her head. Knowing is better than never knowing.

I have cry almost every night. I missed the mom I never knew for 12 years. That pain never goes away. Knowing that you are adopted can be a curse and a blessing. Knowing gives you the chance to search for your birth family. Knowing gives you a to reclaim what is yours, your birth right.

[Foundoutat50]

Hi:
I found out at 50 - it's a surprise you don't expect at this point in life, isn't it? After a lot of emotion, I've got to the point that it really doesn't change who I've become over the years. I've met some bio relatives on my bmother's side - her siblings knew about me. My aparents' siblings all knew but none of my cousins did and no one ever let the secret slip! There wasn't a bfather named on the birth certificate so that's a dead end.

You must know that being illegitimate back when we were born (I'm now 57) was quite a stigma. I realize that my bmother gave me a much better chance being the child of a married couple than I would have had if she'd kept me. She died by the time I learned her name but I did meet the man she married after I was born (she hadn't told him about me). He was nice enough to me but I strongly feel he would have always made the distinction between the illegitimate daughter (me) and his own flesh-and-blood daughter born during their marriage. So, if I try the "what if" outlook, I'd have carried the illegitimate label or been second best to a step-father. Instead I had two parents who loved me and never wanted me to feel the hurt of being given up, so they never told me the truth. That was wrong, but in those days, adopting couples were told to NEVER tell the child about the adoption. In fact, my amom criticized me when she realized I'd told my daughter that we had adopted her, saying adopted children should never be told. Even when I told her that I would never let anyone drop a bomb like that on my unsuspecting child, she still kept her secret and took it to the grave.
I've been angry, I've cried, I've tried to find out information but in the end, you are who you are. You may have the DNA of strangers but you had parents and family to grow up with and you have the life you've built. Focus on that and count the many blessings you do have. Once you get over the shock, don't let this spoil the life you have.
Best wishes

[NANASOOP]

Hello...and thank you for some great inspiration....i know i am truly blessed with who i am and the family i have raised and loved...its just that this is all so mind boggling..to say the least...i AM angry right now...and hurt that i was never told...and now to find out....a LOT of my family knew too....its just so unfair and wrong to me...and the frosting on the cake is that...my afamily are mad that i found out!!! i dont know....i try every day to put it all aside...and go on...but i just cant seem to get past wanting to know from SOMEONE from my bfamily...what their take is on all of this...i am still searching...and praying that God will take me to it...some days i am fine...and other days i wake up...and ask....what happened...i know back when we were adopted....it was a "tabu' thing...dont tell..dont answer....now the answers i get are."i dont remember"....great!! so with the kind words or all the wonderful people on this site....i know i can get thru this...i am so grateful to have found all that understand....its amazing...i thank you so much...God Bless...

[dmca]

Years ago, when you were born, society wasn't like it is today. There was a terrible stigma attached to having " illegitimate children" . The Natal Mothers were , if a person was kind, one step above a prostitute. ( fallen women).
The stigma of the situation often fell not just on the Natal Mother but on the child , even though that child was perfect and innocent.
I offer these facts as an explanation on why you weren't told and how people in ALL of society, not just your parents felt about it all.
Some of us got over the stigma, some did not, some partially did ( me). Nobody is at fault in this. We can't blame society because it is a huge amount of people, not a person or two to try to reason with.
I'm sure your family did not tell you about it, out of love for you, believing what they grew up with. ( i.e. the sociatal factor).
I wish you success on your search,
dmca

[hcforbes]

How do you begin to search for birth parents? I was adopted from a private facility in NC. Non-identifying health information is all I am able to get from them.

[jamesbandido]

59 ... you're still young ...

i went back to the orphanage where i came from and met a guy trying to find his roots ...

to my shock i found out he was almost 72 and already had grandchildren ...

he said he just found out while clearing up some old stuff in their old house ...

[snuffie]

I've always known that I am adopted. So I can only imagine how much of a shock it must be to find out at 59
I think its important to remember that you are who you've always been because it is so easy to get caught up in the what ifs. Finding out you are adopted doesn't change you only the "perception" of who you are.

Once the shock lessens, then the questions start. Questions that all of we adoptees have. Why was I placed for adoption. Who are my bparents? Do I have any siblings? What about health history? Who do I look like?

If you'd like to "chat" please pm me! Maybe I can help give some insight into being "adopted". I've lived with it all of my life! I am reunited now but I still remember all of the feelings I had.

Hugs
Snuffie