[jesse3992]

My daughter was taken from me 48 years ago. I did not start my search for her until she was 18, when I was told she would be able to have contact with me if she wanted. I searched for her diligently for 30 years and finally found her 4 months ago. (The state lost the adoption records and I found her with the help of an internet "search angel"). The saddest part for me is that she does not want contact with me. I respect her wishes and will certainly leave her alone and the hole in my heart is a bit smaller now just knowing she is alive and well. Getting this information from my daughter, through an intermediary, was like losing her all over again and brought back all the original pain of losing her. When I found her I wrote her a letter and expressed that I had no intention of intruding into her life, that I had great respect for her relationship with her adoptive parents, but that I would love to just see her face, hear about her life, and share my family history, medical and otherwise, with her. She does not want even that.
I was aware that she might not have even known she was adopted and that my letter could have been a huge blow to her. I also understand that some adoptees feel that any contact with their birth mother would be a betrayal to the adoptive parents. But my daughter is now 48.
Will some of the adoptees out there please tell me what fears you have or had about contact with your birth mother that would prevent your wanting contact with her? Maybe she feels that I rejected her at birth (I didn't) and now she can reject me. I would feel some relief if I just knew why she didn't want contact with me. Any insight would be helpful. Thanks.

[Amy2U]

Hi,
I don't know why your bio. daughter would feel this way, but honestly, I would write her back.

In the letter I would tell her EVERYTHING FROM THE BEGINNING, how she was conceived, where, her birth father's name, etc. as much info as you can, and the reason for her relinquishment.

I would tell her why you have tried to find her and for how long.

I would send her a picture of yourself and any other biolgical relatives, like your parents, and your siblings.

I would ask her WHY she does not want contact.

I would ask just for ONE meeting or one letter with a picture to see what she looks like now.

I would ask how her life was and how it is now.

If her life was not good, apologize for that kind of upbringing, that that is not what you hoped for her, that's why you relinquished her to have a better life, not worse.

If she had a great life, tell her your thankful for that.

POUR OUT YOUR HEART TO HER, let her hear and see your feelings on paper. Or, video tape yourself too! Put all your emotion into one more correspondence and pray that the barriers will be broken down and you'll have a sweet reunion, because she'll see your heart.

Ask your intermediary to send the letter, with a return receipt to make sure she signs for it, to know that she got the letter.

Hope that helps.

[silk]

My 2 siblings and I are all adopted. I have found my birth parents and have a good relationship with them.

However neither my sister or brother have any interest in their birth parents at all.

It maybe issues with the whole abandonment thing that holds them back, maybe it is that with my sister. But my brother just has no interest. He isnt bitter, nor is he protecting our parents, he just doesnt really care.

It's his right to control his life how he sees fit.

I really feel for you.

[sunnyfromNY]

I'm sorry your daughter wants no contact. Realize that sometimes people change their minds.. and sometimes they don't. There are stories here on this forum from all kinds of reunions so come back and look around... you may get some comfort from talking to others in your same situation.

Both Amy2U and Silk gave you helpful information. If you do what Amy suggests, include the book "The Girls Who Went Away"... it will help to explain your story to her if she reads it.

I'd say keep in touch with her - an occasional card or note maybe on her birthday - and good luck.

[Toolate]

Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear about the response from your daughter. I'm your daughters age, and I would give anything to know if my mom felt the same way about me, as you do about her. The pain you feel must be overwhelming with the loss itself, re-intensified after all these years. Not all adoptees have fears of reunion and I believe most would welcome a reunion with open arms. I would like to think that any feelings of rejection could be dealt with in other ways, especially with the promise of a reunion. To carry out an act like that would just prove to hurt herself even more. I truly hope your daughter changes her mind. She has the power to realize what most of us can only dream about. My thoughts are with you.
Bob

[Foundoutat50]

I worked with a woman who had been adopted. She had absolutely no interest in finding any birth relatives. It wasn't a negative thing, she just felt complete with the family she had and didn't want anything to change the dynamics or complicate things.

It's easy to take this as a slap in the face, but perhaps you have to try to look at it in the sense that her life with her family was all you might have wished for her. Her genes are from you but obviously she doesn't have any questions about that ... her history is with them and she is happy with that.

You said "When I found her I wrote her a letter and expressed that I had no intention of intruding into her life, that I had great respect for her relationship with her adoptive parents, but that I would love to just see her face, hear about her life, and share my family history, medical and otherwise, with her. She does not want even that." My daughter's bmom said in a letter that she didn't want to change the family dynamics and I appreciate that she hasn't ... but she has told daughter she finds it painful to see her with us and wishes daughter would think of her as family, too. Well, that has put stress on my daughter - perhaps your daughter foresees something like this and just wants to avoid potential problems.

Be glad for her ... perhaps you could send a brief recap of family medical history and country of origin going back one or two generations and tell her that if she ever changes her mind about meeting, to send you a note. As an adoptee, I'd have to say that an over-eager bmom would have scared me off.

Best wishes

[bowser1952]

as an adoptee, maybe i can relate to your bio - daughters feelings, coz not very long ago i felt the kinda the same way, til my lil wife explained to me that the may had been a good reason and the reason may not had been my b/moms actions and maybe not even her fault, i am 53 yrs old, my wife told me she wanted me to know that i have a b/family so there fore i got more intersted as my wife started the search rather i wanted it or not, she flat told me she would find my b/family and suddenly i think i woke up and knowing my wife maybe she right ! what if i have a sibiling out there , the what if's starting going through my mind like crazy, and too i have 2 yrs of my life missing and have no idea what hosptial i was born nor where i was before i was adopted at age2. anyway to get make to feelings, i always felt i wasn't wanted they just threw me away and if they wanted me why would they give me up ?? yep i was just like that til recently and i have always known i was adopted.... my wife told me i was depressed and asked me severial times did i want to know who i really was, but i kept denying , i was in denial, i am still a bit afraid of what the outcome might be, but i really now want to know if i have any living b/family and if so will they want to see or hear from me.... so don't be so hard on yourself , trust me someday your daughter will want to get to know you, maybe not now and of course have you thought about maybe what your daughter might had been told about you ??? think about that, was it good or bad ??? just leave her a letter in her adoption file and when she is ready you will know that you left the letter for her.... denial and reject for an adoptee is extremely hard, and i know for b/parents it can be just as bad.... i do hope your daughter will someday soon want to be with you, and maybe she just needs time for it to all soak in , i think many of us adoptees are angry at first, for me i just want to know before my time is up, i am still searching for mine.... you know maybe if she has a husband or grown child maybe you can talk to them and maybe they can help your daughter cope and come to terms with the knowledge of knowing her b/mom has found her and wants a relationship,,, i do hope the best for your relationship to work out ... god bless you to all b/parents out there in search and in reunion...

[irisheyes33]

As tough as it is, I would, for now, give you daughter just what she is asking for - space. Like you said, you don't know what her circumstances are and it all could be just too overwhelming right now. A bit of time can be your ally right now. I guarantee your daughter is thinking about you every day, despite her response, and coming to terms with her feelings.

My birthmother initially rejected ANY kind of contact from me - no pictures, no letters, no nothing. Three years later, we are over a year into reunion and I am very, very close to her and all of my birthfamily. The whole initial contact thing was a tremendous shock. Plus, she was worried about my parents. She also, I think, was afraid I would extract the information I wanted from her and throw her away. Different scenario, I realize, but the time she had to digest the situation ultimately made her change her mind - and we were able to form a happy, healthy relationship.

Don't give up yet. I'm sure this is a very dark time for you. I hope things turn out in a way that is satisfying for both you and your daughter

[NJNative]

It occured to me that the reason your birth daughter may not want contact has less to do with you than it does with what may be going on in her life. I am 51, so roughly the same age as your birthdaughter. Right now I am dealing with elderly, ill parents and a teenager at the same time. I work full time and have a house to manage and a husband who travels.

Your birthdaughter may just have all she can handle on her plate right now. My friends, cousins, etc. are all about the same age as me and your birthdaughter and it's a busy time of life. Kids heading off to college, needier parents, weddings to plan, menopause, you name it.

[dmca]

Jesse,
As one older natal mother to another, I give you my complete sympathy.
I knew when my daughter and I first contacted, she may just want medical information and before that I knew there was a possibility that she wouldn't want anything to do with me. I accepted that and to know that she was alive and healthy would have been my joy.
Things change, and most often do. That's what we can count on in life. Wait for a while, being happy that she is alive and well, IMO. Never know what the future may bring. She could change her mind.
Until then, BIG BIG HUGS
dmca

[hideyho]

I am 30 and just now thinking of starting a search for bparents. Some of the concerns I have are: what if they lied to me and I wasn't really adopted, or what if my bparents are family members I already know (My afamily isn't mentally stable, but I recognize a few features and I really want to think that I came from someone with enough maturity to make the best decision they could regardless of their own pain. Don't get me wrong, I do love my afamily just am glad not to share the same gene pool), what if my bfamily is even more messed up -yikes!! I worry about long distance, finances in finding them only to be rejected, or discover that they have passed away. What if I upset their lives, or they think that I am as mental as the family that raised me. What if I can't take it when they agree to meet and its wonderful but they say, ok go on with your life now, you met us now go!

I think in your case most of my worries don't apply. I would tell you to love yourself enough to let her go and smile knowing that she might one day change her mind. Patience is hard, but she may feel overwhelmed even by a slight nudge. Just make sure she always knows how to get ahold of you and that she is welcome anytime.

[Lopo805]

I am an adoptee who has recently been reunited with my birth mom. When I was first contacted by her about possibly meeting, I was very scared and felt very alone. Honestly, I have never had a harder decision to make in my life. When I trying to decide if I wanted to be in contact with my birthparents, I had alot of guilt and felt like I was betraying my adoptive parents who have loved and raised me my whole life. I also had the guilt of my sister, who is also adopted, and knows nothing about her birthparents. When deciding to meet or not, I think adoptees have alot of things on their minds. For me, the contact brought back all the feelings of betrayal and the feelings of being not good enough and unwanted as a baby. This may be some of what your birthdaughter is dealing with. It is a very hard thing to do....talking and reuniting with bparents.....because, at least I feel, like I am hurting the ones who have always loved me in order to get to know someone who betrayed me when I was born. She may come around someday and want to meet you, but as you probablly know, this may be a very emotional subject for her, and she may decide not to be in contact with you. Sometimes I regret being in contact with my bmom because many of the bad feelings of being adopted have come back. I hope this helps a little, and I wish you the best.

[pg13209]

Hi,
I am a reunited adoptee. I wanted to find my bmom however there are several adoptees out there that are perfectly fine with not having contact with the bfamily. You need to understand that our entire lives we have thought about our bfamily( that is if we were told) we have made up numerous scenarios in our heads. If your actual situation did not match up to one of her scenarios it would have been a huge blow. give her her space and some time. I know it will be difficult but I like what Amy said to do except I would add to send it certified this way you know she was the one that recieved the pertinant information. Then sit back and wait. At least this way you know in your heart that you gave her everything that you could and now it is not in your hands anymore.

[ritzham]

Originally Posted by jesse3992

My daughter was taken from me 48 years ago. I did not start my search for her until she was 18, when I was told she would be able to have contact with me if she wanted. I searched for her diligently for 30 years and finally found her 4 months ago. (The state lost the adoption records and I found her with the help of an internet "search angel"). The saddest part for me is that she does not want contact with me. I respect her wishes and will certainly leave her alone and the hole in my heart is a bit smaller now just knowing she is alive and well. Getting this information from my daughter, through an intermediary, was like losing her all over again and brought back all the original pain of losing her. When I found her I wrote her a letter and expressed that I had no intention of intruding into her life, that I had great respect for her relationship with her adoptive parents, but that I would love to just see her face, hear about her life, and share my family history, medical and otherwise, with her. She does not want even that.
I was aware that she might not have even known she was adopted and that my letter could have been a huge blow to her. I also understand that some adoptees feel that any contact with their birth mother would be a betrayal to the adoptive parents. But my daughter is now 48.
Will some of the adoptees out there please tell me what fears you have or had about contact with your birth mother that would prevent your wanting contact with her? Maybe she feels that I rejected her at birth (I didn't) and now she can reject me. I would feel some relief if I just knew why she didn't want contact with me. Any insight would be helpful. Thanks.

don't think my reason for not trying to find my mother will halp you. I was told when I at last confronted my foster mother that my mother was the sister of two priests and that my existence would be an embarrassment. I felt she proably had her own family by now and if I found or contacted her it would only cause her pain and trouble.

[hello&goodbye]

You need to leave it alone right now. The only thing you can do is write to her explaining her medical background. I feel bad that you have pinned your hopes on a reunion with her, but you must understand not all adoptees feel the burning desire to re connect with the biological relations. She does not know you, and going into a reunion, even for "one" meeting is a huge step for someone, even one who has been searching. Step back and reevaluate your situation. You may have to re define what type of relationship you were looking for in the first place, and understand that it may never happen, and how you are going to deal with that. I was in a semi reunion with my b mother, and expectations got to be too much for me. My pace did not sit well, I needed to take things very slowly, but in the end I know I have done more damage then good, and have now backed away. While I believe she to be very open minded about the situation, in the end feelings got hurt, and I will regret that.
Leave the ball in your daughters court for now, she cannot heal you,. only you can do that.