[Isabo]

It is heartbreaking to me as a first mother to repeatedly hear that it was "God's plan" that MY child be taken from me in order for a stranger to become a mother. God blessed me with my child. I believe that Man took him away from me, a young girl who's only sin was to be 2 months away from adulthood. I believe that Man - NOT God - also gave my son to and blessed the adoptive parents with my child. The God I believe in would never have used me so heartlessly to fulfill another woman’s desire to become a mother. I lay the credit for that cruel act completely at the feet of Man.

Isabo

[lovemine77]

Originally Posted by Isabo

It is heartbreaking to me as a first mother to repeatedly hear that it was "God's plan" that MY child be taken from me in order for a stranger to become a mother. God blessed me with my child. I believe that Man took him away from me, a young girl who's only sin was to be 2 months away from adulthood. I believe that Man - NOT God - also gave my son to and blessed the adoptive parents with my child. The God I believe in would never have used me so heartlessly to fulfill another woman’s desire to become a mother. I lay the credit for that cruel act completely at the feet of Man.

Isabo

That is really a sad statement. I think God has a plan for all of us, and unfortunatley sometimes we have to travel down a path the requires us to deal with some pain. If we KNEW everything that was going to happen in our lives, what fun would it be? How boring it would be to know the plans God has for us. I believe God blessed me with my son, and I also believe he knew I would be making someone else very happy, and giving them a blessing. It is our choice to sign the adoption papers, but it is Gods plan all along. I am sending prayers and hugs your way.

[mom2behappy]

this is for isabo : wow you have anlot of anger, but in the end you must realize that you are responsible for your own actions. regardless of age, unless you were raped. there were other options and im not talking about abortion either. dont blame the adoptive family because it takes a special kind of person to be able to take in another persons child and raise them. i hope you find some peace within yourself

[mom2behappy]

your mom did a wonderful job raising you. god bless her soul, she must be very proud of whom you have become, so should your bmom.

[sarcastickisses]

my mother always told me the same thing. i've always known i was adopted and she has always said "God created you for us" i truly believe that. I look just like my parents and to me, they are the only parents i have. My "birth parents" are just my genes!

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by lovemine77

That is really a sad statement. I think God has a plan for all of us, and unfortunatley sometimes we have to travel down a path the requires us to deal with some pain. If we KNEW everything that was going to happen in our lives, what fun would it be? How boring it would be to know the plans God has for us. I believe God blessed me with my son, and I also believe he knew I would be making someone else very happy, and giving them a blessing. It is our choice to sign the adoption papers, but it is Gods plan all along. I am sending prayers and hugs your way.

Lovemine77,
I believe in free will. That is the lesson that Genesis teaches in the Adam and Eve story. God does NOT have every moment of our life planned out, and he certainly doesn't sacrifice one person to benefit another. That is "christian" justification for adoption, and it is a story woven by those in power to disenfranchise those who have no power. Choice involves options. When you have no options, then you have no choice. Choice also requires a lack of coercion. In my son's adoption, there was both No real choice provided to me AND there WAS coercion and clear fraud committed by both the adoption agency AND the adoptive parents. It was not God's plan, but rather Satan's, to separate me from my son. Please don't pray for me; I have made my peace with the situation and with God. My peace comes from knowledge and understanding of what happened in my life to unjustly separate me from my only child. My peace also comes from my relationship with my son, who acknowledges me as his one and only true mother.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by mom2behappy

this is for isabo : wow you have anlot of anger, but in the end you must realize that you are responsible for your own actions. regardless of age, unless you were raped. there were other options and im not talking about abortion either. dont blame the adoptive family because it takes a special kind of person to be able to take in another persons child and raise them. i hope you find some peace within yourself

Mom2behappy,
Yes, I have a lot of anger. You would be angry to if you were defrauded and coerced out of your only child. You would be angry if you had to listen to people tell you it was "God's plan" that you lose your only child. Adoption was MAN'S PLAN or SATAN'S PLAN - call it what you will - for my son. It was not God's.

I find it interesting that you want to lecture me on responsibility. I take 100% responsibility for ALL of my actions. I AM THE ONLY ONE IN THE SITUATION WHO DOES. I was the only person who acted with grace in the situation. I am the only reason that my son survived to be born on this earth. I am the only one who acted with good faith in the adoption proces. No one else did, not my son's father or his parents, not the adoption agency, and certainly not the adoptive parents. And I am the only one who has had to live with the devastating loss of my only child, while all others have benefited from my loss.

I wish my son's aparents were "special." They treated him as less than their bioson. They denied him medical and dental care. They deprived him of an education, while their bioson got all of these things. They wanted a child so badly that they lied and committed fraud to get him. THEY ARE NOT SPECIAL.

And yes, I was date raped, as if it was any of your business. Thank you for reminding me that I need to take responsibility ... as if I haven't.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by sarcastickisses

my mother always told me the same thing. i've always known i was adopted and she has always said "God created you for us" i truly believe that. I look just like my parents and to me, they are the only parents i have. My "birth parents" are just my genes!

Sarcastickisses,
I am sorry that your mother did not also tell you that your first mother loved you, and that you were made especially for her by God, but that she was unable to keep you and be blessed with your presence. I wish your mother had told you how your first mother's sacrifice had allowed her to be a mother, rather than relegating your first mother to the role of a mere vessel. I find that to be so very sad and lacking in compassion for the woman who made her a mother. I hope that as you get older, you find love and compassion in your heart for the woman who gave you life and cared for you and protected you when your life depended only on her. She is much more than your genes. She is your other mother.

[BrandyHagz]

Isabo,

I am a little concerned about your generalizations.

I am sorry that your mother did not also tell you that your first mother loved you, and that you were made especially for her by God, but that she was unable to keep you and be blessed with your presence.

This may have been the case in your situation - but that doesn't make it one size fits all. Not all birthparents feel the same way - and to tell someone how someone you've never met, felt, is wrong...and its out of line.

It'd be better, I think, if you could own your statements a bit more - speak about your own situation, if you are going to use your own feelings...etc.

I don't know if you realize how much potential damage you could be doing by making such general statements...but I hope you'll think about it...imagine how you'd feel if a birthmother who didn't share your feelings, told your child their feelings and said that you felt the same way.

[Isabo]

Brandy,

I am sorry that I was not more clear in my statements. In closed adoptions, I believe that most aparents are faced with having to weave a story for their adopted children that helps them to understand their adoption experience. What I was trying to say was that I was sorry that the story the poster was told did not seem to leave room for any place for her first mother. Being told that God made her just for the aparents seems to me to eliminate the role of the first mother completely. I was trying to say that I wish that she had been raised to see her first mother as having a role in her life other than as a mere genetic donor. I was not trying to say that her first mother actually loved her - which I hope that she did - but that I wish she had been raised to believe that (unless there is clear evidence to the contrary). I cannot imagine what harm it would do to a child to be raised to believe their first mother loved them and played a role in their life that was greater than as a donor of genetic material (again, unless there is clear evidence to the contrary). If the adult adoptee finds out differently, then I am truly sad about that, but as an adult they will be able to process and deal with that information. As children, wouldn't it be less damaging to believe that their mother loved them, especially if there is no evidence to the contrary? The mere fact of relinquishment in no way establishes that they were not loved.

I was and am talking about what I believe and what I wish would happen or would have happened. I guess I need to start every sentences that way to make sure that the intent of my sentences is clear. I will try to keep that in mind. I was not trying to tell the poster how her first mother actually felt.

Again, I am sorry that I was not more clear.

[manni28]

I wish your mother had told you how your first mother's sacrifice had allowed her to be a mother,

Isabo:

while I agree with everyone on this thread I really can't agree with this quote.

I'm adoptee and the way I see it, my bmom was unable to parent me so she Needed someone else (amom) to do the job. I don't think bmom's sacrifice; a lot of them weren't given the support they needed so adoption was the only way.

The aparents were able to do the job because they were ready and able to be parents

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by manni28

Isabo:

while I agree with everyone on this thread I really can't agree with this quote.

I'm adoptee and the way I see it, my bmom was unable to parent me so she Needed someone else (amom) to do the job. I don't think bmom's sacrifice; a lot of them weren't given the support they needed so adoption was the only way.

The aparents were able to do the job because they were ready and able to be parents

Bmom's don't sacrifice?! Um, okay, yeah...whatever.


*I am not trying to generalize here, while I realize that placement and relinquishment isn't a sacrifice for some birthmoms, but I do believe that for most bmoms it was a huge sacrifice*

[cnb1099]

Originally Posted by manni28

Isabo:

while I agree with everyone on this thread I really can't agree with this quote.

I'm adoptee and the way I see it, my bmom was unable to parent me so she Needed someone else (amom) to do the job. I don't think bmom's sacrifice;

I also am not trying to generalize, however I must say that I can see where many people will be offended by your comment. I am an adoptee too and I have to say that I personally, in my own experience, with my birthmother, must 100 percent disagree with you. I think that J sacrificed so much..down to who she was as a person because she had to keep things from the people she loved the most (her family) because she felt that society would look upon her or her family badly for being 20, pregnant and single. She sacrificed the opportunity to have any other children, by relinquishing the only child she would ever carry to another family to love and raise.

As far as being able to parent me? Well she was working and raising her 16 year old brother at the time, living on her own and my bfather as soon as he found out she was pregnant chose to have nothing to do with her ever again. So no she did not have any support system, and was already overwhelmed and made the choice to want something MORE for me...

I never compare that with the sacrifices my parents made in raising me because that is comparing apples to oranges IMHO but it was a sacrifice in my eyes just the same..and both done out of love for me. And I appreciate both equally.

[manni28]

I think that J sacrificed so much..down to who she was as a person because she had to keep things from the people she loved the most (her family) because she felt that society would look upon her or her family badly for being 20, pregnant and single. She sacrificed the opportunity to have any other children, by relinquishing the only child she would ever carry to another family to love and raise.

As far as being able to parent me? Well she was working and raising her 16 year old brother at the time, living on her own and my bfather as soon as he found out she was pregnant chose to have nothing to do with her ever again. So no she did not have any support system, and was already overwhelmed and made the choice to want something MORE for me...

Maybe what I wrote was read wrong?

What I meant was, most bmoms didn't just one day decide to have a child for another couple and "sacrifice" their happiness to make someone else's life complete.

Most bmoms weren't able to take care of their children and needed someone else to be parents to the child.

Is it not true? Adoption is when the bparents aren't able to provide for the child and transfer parental rights to someone who is able, willing and ready to care for a child?

It's not like she (bmom) purposely sacrificed her happiness to make someone else a mother.

[taramayrn]

Certainly - for a while, yes I sacrificed my happiness. I was not happy the first year of my son's life. Yes, while I was in need and my son's adoptive parents had a need to parent, that doesn't mean I didn't sacrifice. This exchange isn't as simplistic as you'd like to make it out to be.