[mallory4]

I hope this is okay to post here, but I thought it would be best to come to the people who have actually lived it.

We are adopting a 2 year old little boy who was placed into foster care voluntarily by his birthmom when he was born. She was young and already had one child she was raising.
His father did not voluntarily give up his parental rights, but neither did he do anything required by the county to obtain custody or parent the baby. In fact, he never even came to see him. Neither did his parents, who were also aware of the baby's birth and placement into foster care.

We realize that it is not appropriate to lie in any way, and we also realize it would be pretty hurtful to a child to be told that his mom placed him for adoption but kept earlier and subsequent kids, and that his dad had not done what was required to parent him or even visit him. So, we are hoping to avoid sharing those parts of the story until he is old enough to understand some of the socioeconomic and other factors which influenced his bparents' decisions.

I am looking for advice not about when to tell him he is adopted--we will tell him that from the beginning--but about how best to share or perhaps avoid sharing the hurtful stuff until he is an older teen? An adult?

Any insight or advice you all can offer will be much appreciated.

[NJNative]

My son's history prior to adoption was a painful one. He was ultimately abandoned and had been neglected. We also told him of his adoption since he was a baby (we adopted him at 10 months), and have numerous pictures of him in the courthouse, with our lawyer, etc. etc. As a small child he loved to hear the "day we adopted you" story which includes several hilarious episodes.

Some of the other details I have slowly let out over the years. I couched them in as nice a tone as I could (your birth mother tried to take care of you, but realized she wasn't doing a very good job of it, etc.) And "Your birth father was very young, had no job, didn't really have much involvement in your life."

The bottom line is that by now -- age 15 -- he pretty much figured out the jist of it himself. I don't ever plan on telling him the uglier details -- and some of them were pretty darned ugly. If he ever decides to search, I plan on giving him the initial doctor's report that details some of his background (and the neglect), and will make certain he is prepared for whatever he might find.

I guess the key is to see exactly how interested he is -- or isn't -- when your son is older. My son used to ask me questions from time to time, which I always answered. Now he very rarely does, since we talked about what he had deduced for himself one day.

Robin

[breenoelle85]

Hi. I read your story, and thought you might be interested in an opinion from another point of view. You see, I am an adoptee, not a birthparent. All I can say is, whatever you do, do not tell a flat out lie. My adoptive mother lied to me (not about my birthparents, but about some things dealing with my adoptive family) . . . and it was years before I trusted her again. The bad news never hurt so bad as knowing that she hadn't told me the truth. . . . The truth almost always comes out in the end.

Other than that, I would have to agree with NJNative about going on how interested he is. I am glad you plan on telling him he was adopted. That is what my adoptive mother did, and by age 6 or 7 I really could have cared less. I remember being more interested in who she was and where I had come from and *why* they had wanted to adopt me, than the details of the adoption. It wasn't until I hit my teenage years than I began bugging her for more information.

I do not think there is any harm in waiting until he is old enough to handle the more gruesome details, so long as you make sure he knows he was adopted and that YOU *wanted* him. In the end, I think that will be more important to him than why his birthparents *didn't* want him (or couldn't take care of him...whichever the case may be).

I think I was. . . 15 or 16 when I finally cornered my Mom and got her to tell me what it was she wasn't telling me about the adoption. She was so afraid that I would be upset, and gently explained that my birthfather was one of 2 people....either a 25 year old she had been dating (we think...) or else she was raped by my birth grandfather . . . . I looked her right in the face and told her, "If she had *intended* to give birth to me, then she wouldn't have had put me up for adoption in the 1st place. . ." So, I really wasn't bothered by it. . .and she'd gotten herself in a tizzy for nothing....

Although I do remember one time around 8 years old getting a bit upset after reading the poem "legacy of an adopted child," and asking her who my *real* mother was. . . her or my birthmother, which sort of got an interesting reaction... (as the mother's out there can probably imagine).

I think what I was *really* wanting to ask wasn't who my real mother was, but weather she loved me even though she hadn't carried me like parents were *supposed* too. I can't actually remember her responce to the question, but I do remember her telling me that they had *chosen* me.... and the question never came up again. She also offered to help me *find* my birthmother once I was old enough, something else I came to respect her for....

In any case, I hope all this rambling of mine has helped you in some way. I think my main point is, that kids just want to know that "someone" *wants* them, and "someone" *loves* them, and to fell like they *belong* "somewhere". If you can give your son that assure, there may be further trials in the future, but nothing you can't walk him through.

[IvoryAlibi]

I was adopted as a baby. My parents also adopted 3 boys over the years. My brothers never really held any interest in knowing anything about their biological family. I did. My advice is to wait until he is older, say 18. Ask him if he is interested in knowing anything. If he says yes, then be completely honest with him. Tell him in a very caring and delicate way, but don't lie. He deserves the right to know the truth only if he truly wants to know. Congratulations on your adoption of this little boy.

[Nikki1]

I was adopted at 5 weeks and I have always known I was adopted as my parents felt that if they didn't tell me someone else would have. I think it's important to be honest with your son as you clearly love him and want whats best for him. I was never given a negative story about my adoption but that my birthmother wanted me to have a good life but couldn't provide one for me at that time. I learnt more information as I got older but always felt that my a-mother wanted me to have this information but at the end of the day it was my decision if I chose to one day find her and she would support me as much as she could. If you son asks any questions, give as much info as you feel appropriate but as others have said, don't lie - just hold back some of the truth until he is older and if he wants to know.

Hope this helps - all the best with whatever you decide.

[breenoelle85]

I have to agree with Nikki... I don't think their is any problem with holding back some of the unnecessarily gruesome details until he's old enough to handle them. The important thing, however, is that you don't hide the fact that he was adopted from him - ever.

[saraj]

Tell him you love him daily, kiss him madly everyday, teach him compassion as he grows. My grandmother who raised me taught me these things, allowing me to understand my family situation slowly, as I grew up. She didn't lie, but she didn't linger over hurtful details. Don't dwell on the negative, it does no one any good, when you insult a child's parent, you insult a teeny bit of that child's soul, as well. Have a happy carefree life together, you sound like wonderful caring people.

[LantBuck3]

mallory4 --I agree with saraj 's advice totally. That's the way my parents raised me. I was adopted when I was 6 months old. My adoptive parents told me the truth from the time I was old enough to understand. Be sure to explain to your son how very special he is to you!! That out of all of the children in the world, you were allowed the priviledge of choosing him as your son. Love and cherish each other on a daily basis. Wishing you much love and happiness now and always.

[richland91]

Hi, I was adopted when I was 5. My parents told me adoption was very special because we had to choose each other -- not an accident. I was also told that my birth mother had to be very unselfish to put me up for adoption. She wanted the best for me, and she knew there were couples who could only have a familt through adoption.

The problem is your child won't fully understand until he is a parent. The hard work occurs long after birth. You have earned the title of mother and father.

Ann

[bprice215]

The sooner the better. Tell the truth, never lie to him, he'll understand that far better than what happened to him, and he'll appreciate you for it later when he can understand. bprice215