[msannab]

I found out one day when I was 13 years old, two months after my adoptive parents & I had just moved from a big city to a small town about 4 hours away. My Aparents were working & I had just came home from school. The phone rang, I answered, & the 1st thing the caller asked was "are you alone?". Me being naive, and not sure what to say, I said "yeah". They (my baunt, bgrandmother, bfather) proceeded to tell me my "life story". They then asked me I wanted to see them. I said sure, out of curiosity - it still didn't sink in. So they told me to get on a bus, that they would pay for it from their end (electronic transfer). I asked if I should tell my Aparents & they said no! (They were basically saying for me to "run away from home"). Before I left however, I managed to tell a girl I had just met in school who was from the same area as me (she just moved 2 months before also). I got on the bus, got to the bus station 4 hours away (in the same area from where we just moved from!!) but apparently, my new friend told my parents what I did and the police were there to met me. I didn't get a chance to meet these people that called me.

I ended up meeting them on my 3rd visit. My Bfamily kept calling & calling even after that (wouldn't leave me alone in a way....) & I kept running away from home (hitchhiking 4 hours to go see them or taking the bus). On & off, for about 3 years, that's all I did, run away from my Aparents to go see them.

There's so much more, but I think it's for another forum....

[sneezyone]

It's horrible that your parents didn't share your adoption story with you from the beginning. I'll never understand that. Just out of curiosity, tho - how do you feel now, as an adult, about having been encouraged to leave your parents' home by people you didn't know and does that impact your relationship with your bfamily/afamily? The thought of my child getting on a bus like that is HORRIFYING!!! Not b/c I don't want her to meet her bfamily, but my word, ALONE on a BUS at 13?!?!? I'd have called the cops too! How is that any different than attempted kidnapping?

[msannab]

So much has happened since that awful day.

During my runaway escapades, I got picked up by the wrong people, got involved in bad things, etc. etc.

My B-mother lived in Puerto Rico; I went to see her a few times & was sexually abused by her b/f at the time; she never believed me & sent me back to my A-parents.

My B-father remarried & had 4 other kids (3 girls, 1 boy). I went to see him & at the time, he just needed me to care for the other 4.

Over a span of 3 years, I ran away over & over - more out of confusion (like where do I belong). This made my relationship with my A-parents dwindle slowly. Things were never the same. My A-father lost trust in me, so much that one day he asked me what would I do if he ever died - I said take care of my mom, but he refused to sign the house over to me. My dad died in 2002 & because of my dad's error, we lost the house to the nursing home. My A-mom is in a nursing home, doesnt' even know me now.

As far as my B-mom goes, we talk once in a blue moon - maybe I'm wrong, but I now expect her to provide for me emotionally & financially. She has a good life now (as compared to mine, I'm struggling ). She owns a condo & is happily married to an executive for a major drugstore chain. Again, correct me if I'm wrong, but once in a while I'll ask her for some money, as a loan, & she downright refuses - because her husband has a big family & they have to think of the holidays & all. But she does want me to call her "Mom" & I can't. I don't have that "love" for her (even if she didn't give me a dime).

AS for my B-father goes, I'm still in contact with him also (btw, my B-aunt & B-grandmother both passed away in the past 10 years). I'm not close to his other kids at all - in fact, they see me as an outcast (I think - what did I do wrong???). In fact, I recently went to my 1/2 brother's wedding (the last time I saw them was in 2001 at a 1/2 sister's wedding) & 2 of my sisters totally ignored me. I actually felt used - I gave my brother 100 bucks for a gift - something I can't really afford. The least they could have done was include me in the family pictures. Maybe a wedding is not the time or place, but on & off we've been in contact & I thought it's about time people knew about me instead of "hiding the fact I'm my father's 1st daughter". Then I look at pics of the past & the other 4 siblings, and realize, I don't belong with them either - only cause I didn't grow up with them.

And I do blame my biological family for lots of things - When I was running away from home during those fragile teen years, I think now that I could have the world - meaning, I never lived the life that my A-parents wanted - finish high school, go to college, meet a nice guy, get married & have kids - their dream & mine too. I did everything backwards thanks to that phone call. I had 3 kids (which all 3 I put up for adoption eventually - yet another story). I think now that if never knew, would I have done the same???? I went to college at age 40 (am now 46), got a 2 year degree, & still struggling. Where I should have stability in my life, I don't. My sisters & brother had that stability - everything turned out normal for them. I felt jealous watching my B-father dance with one of his daughters at her wedding in 2001. I could have had all they have but I was running away, to go see him or my b-mother.

Ironically though, I wish I had that closeness now with my sisters & brother.

Oh, one more thing. My B-mother had 2 more girls, 2 different men & she put them up for adoption too. I found both, but our relationship is next to nothing. When I met one sister (who lives in the next town over from where I am ) for the first time - we hugged (no crying at all - was expecting one of those Oprah moments) & simply said she was in a rush to go meet her husband at the train station. That was it - haven't heard from her since! AS for the other sister, she's in Arizona - she is doing way worse than me - only talked to her 3 times in 10 years!!

I don't know, I guess I'm expecting my b-parents to make up for what I lost because of them. Am I wrong to think like this? I have never been able to recuperate my success in life - it's always been a constant struggle.

[celinenj02]

Why is it horrible that they didn't share the adoption story "from the beginning"? Perhaps they were waiting for what they felt would be the right time. For each family it is different and I believe for each child. I have chosen not to share the information with my child yet. I think he is too young and I want to allow more time for our bonds to get stronger. I just believe that. Before I go and tell him about the not so nice "history" in his birth family. I want him to be young and naive for a little while longer. With all due respect have you adopted a biracial child or a child of color and maybe you had no choice obviously but to disclose that the child was adopted from a young age? But for others who don't have to tell dont make it sound like it is horrible. To each his own.

What is horrible is that this birth family "intruded" into this family and lured a young child and put that child into a dangerous situation. Perhaps someday you can comprehend why it was not meant to be for this birth family to raise you. It seems your a-family has done a fine job of protecting you and keeping you safe. That is what a true parent does for their children. Not lure them into harm because of their own selfish motives. I'd be furious if my child's b-family did this and rest assured, they would not be making contact until my child was 18 if they tried this.

Poster, I am so sorry you still had to be abused by your birth family in the end. It seemed as though you were safe for a while with your a-family. I think about this for my adopted child. His birth family is a mess and I have to admit I would go through fire to protect him from them. Sad isn't it to feel that you have to protect a child from their own blood relatives?

I am sad that someday my son will discover some hard truths about his birth family. I only hope and pray with confidence that this will not affect the character I hope to instill in him as his mother. If I do my job right, it will not.

[Southernroots]

Why is it horrible that they didn't share the adoption story "from the beginning"? Perhaps they were waiting for what they felt would be the right time.

Because ignoring the fact of a child's adoption is unhealthy for all. For some the "right time" never comes - I have a friend who just turned 50. The right time never came for her mother. But she just met her birth mom and SHE knows the truth. Check out the thread on "When to Read Books to a Child About Being Adopted" for more thoughts on this subject. You don't have to tell a young child "the horrible truths" about their adoption until they are old enough to handle it. But, no, to each his own, does not apply as far as when to tell a child that they are adopted. Not telling your child can really backfire on you.

If you think "doing your job right" will protect your child from any pain, adoption issues, etc. you are really fooling yourself. Not making adoption a part of your child's life is not "doing your job right" either BTW. Acknowledging reality is part of your job as a parent - and the fact that your child came to you via adoption is reality.

[Raina0831]

Originally Posted by Southernroots

Because ignoring the fact of a child's adoption is unhealthy for all...Not telling your child can really backfire on you...Not making adoption a part of your child's life is not "doing your job right" either BTW. Acknowledging reality is part of your job as a parent - and the fact that your child came to you via adoption is reality.

You expressed some good points, Southern.

Some of my story: I was almost 9 1/2 when I became curious and asked my amom what it was like when I was born. She told me she didn't know. That's how I came to find out I'd been adopted. Suddenly, everything I'd ever known my entire life was one gigantic lie and I totally withdrew into myself. I felt as if everyone I knew were in on the "joke" and I, alone, had spent 9 1/2 years playing the fool. It was one gigantic lie that was conceived so that they could pretend that me and my brother were their biological children. They didn't want to face whatever their issues were, so it was easier to bury their head in the sand and have our adoptions be the pink elephant in the room, and it is still that way today. Our adoptions are NEVER mentioned. Everyone pretends it just didn't happen. Healthy? For anyone? Not in the least. Had I known at a much earlier age, yes, I would still have wondered about my birthfamily, but the trauma would have been much, much less deep.

The longer you keep a secret, the taller that secret grows and the more damage it causes to the one that you are supposedly trying to protect. IMO.

Raina

[celinenj02]

I certainly never said that to each his own on whether or not to tell, i said to each his own on his own timing of when to tell. I personally believe that you can tell a child TOO SOON. That is my strong belief on the subject. I think too many adoptive parents are being guilted into feeling that they have to disclose adoption to their child from day one. I believe that in my son's case, the bonds we are forming will help him to have a foundation for which he can draw strength when he does find out I am not his birth mom. I also believe in my heart that because of this foundation of time, love and nurturing, he will be able to accept it. I don't believe he will feel his life was a big joke that everyone was in on except for him. I never told my son a lie. I never told him he grew in my belly. I never told him anything that has to be undone. I told him he was a miracle and that we prayed for him for a long time and that we were thrilled when he came into our lives. That is part one of his lifestory to him right now. The story has more to it of course, but in time he will learn. I am not saying I am waiting until he is 50. I know in my heart when my son will be ready. I know with all my heart that my son would not have been ready to know at the age of 1 or 2. I just believe that is way too young for a small child to fathom.

Even his birth family is encouraging us to wait to tell him. For us, to wait is best. For you to be told from the age of comprehension may be best. I don't need to read any books. I know my child best. And I will do what is best for him. That is why I say to each his own. He is my own to raise and I will do what I know is right by him.

P.S. You say if you had known earlier the trauma wouldn't have been as deep. Well while that may be true there still would have been many other issues you would have had to deal with at an earlier age (PLEASE READ MY POST BELOW). Other issues that would have probably caused you even more trauma, you just don't realize that (again, my post below). The grass looks greener right now. You say if only I would have known.... Well if you would have known everything certainly would have been different but you can not guarantee it would have been better. We would all make excuses for our lives if we could and some of us do. But again, there is no guarantee that life would have been better.

Adoptive parents, don't be guilted into feeling like you are lying or keeping a secret from your beloved child. You are not, you are protecting their psyche's until they are mature enough to handle. Only YOU know when. Wait until you feel the time is right for your little one. Trust your God given instincts. For adoptive parents are chosen. This is not a role for everyone. Be strong for them.

[celinenj02]

Also, I have one question for you who believe you should tell right away. How do you explain adoption to a child who does not even understand the concept of conception? Do you say, oh Johnny, you didn't grow in my belly, you grew in my heart and think that the child is truly understanding what you are saying?

You are silly to think that a young one can fully comprehend all you want to put on them. What good are you doing by telling a child that young they are not your own? Children that young need to believe they are your own until they can understand the birds and the bees. Otherwise all they come away from the conversation with is this: Oh my gosh, I grew in some stranger's belly! YOU DON'T THINK THAT IS TRAUMATIC? How scary is that for a 2 or 3 or 5 year old? I know someone who found out when they were 3 years old and felt like an outsider from that day. Why? I believe because she didn't have enough time to really form strong enough emotional bonds. I don't want my son living with this reality that he grew in some stranger's belly until he is old enough to understand conception and until a Christian foundation is laid for him to draw his strength. I know there are many others who share this belief. Both sides need to be told. If you tell your child too young, there very well could be serious ramifications. You cannot tell me that bonding is not affected in some way.

[MNelson]

Adoptive parents, don't be guilted into feeling like you are lying or keeping a secret from your beloved child. You are not, you are protecting their psyche's until they are mature enough to handle. Only YOU know when. Wait until you feel the time is right for your little one. Trust your God given instincts. For adoptive parents are chosen. This is not a role for everyone. Be strong for them.

I have shared my son's adoption story with him since birth, and it is not due to guilt. He will comprehend it naturally as his "psyche can handle it". It will not be an event for him, it will be a seamless blooming of comprehension just as just about everything in this world is to him. It is certainly in a parent's power to wait, but I disagree that it is best. The bonds formed between parent and child are not contingent upon a child believing that he or she was born of one's flesh (as would naturally be the assumption if not told otherwise -- lying by omission). Unpleasant details can certainly wait, but the earlier a child knows the better. I strongly believe that.

celinenj02, what damage do you feel would come to your son's psyche if he knew he was adopted?

[MNelson]

celinenj02, do you really feel that your son is not your own? The other question I have for you is, why frame it as growing inside a stranger's belly? Your son's birthmother was certainly no stranger to your son, nor him to her. He certainly would not comprehend everything, but he will take what he can comprehend and start building his foundation of understanding. How old is your son now?

[dpen6]

The orginal poster was so let down by both sets of "parents"....selfishness on both sides.

Why is it it can't be seen like that and has to be...the apaents are bad.....or the bparents are bad..the adults in this childs life were the ones at fault. ALL OF THEM

Aparents for disrespecting the adoptees life by not telling...maybe they had what they thought were good resons..but they were not.

The birthparents in this situation were HORRIBLE to do what they did....they totally messed up this persons life....she was 13....a child....

[Southernroots]

I never told my son a lie.

You are lying to your child every day by omission and you most certainly are keeping a secret - that is sheer fact. I don't need to guilt you into anything - but, I do have grave concerns for your child. I was not implying that "to each his own" referred to when to tell a child - I meant not telling a child from birth is potentially very harmful.

Did you read the post from Raina? Did you read the post of the 5-year old who was told and never felt the same about their adoptive parents or their own life ever again?

"You don't need to read a book?" I beg to differ - if you think that it is okay to lie to your child and keep its adoption a deep dark secret, maybe you do need to read some books. You do not explain every minute detail to a 6 month or 2 year old - you explain what is age appropriate. You introduce your child to other families with adopted children. You point out pregnant women and talk about it that way. There are plenty of age appropriate ways to tell a child that it is adopted without going into details that they don't understand.

Beside you shouldn't even need to tell a child - they should always know - as though it is a natural normal part of their life - not some deep dark shameful secret.

Many adoptive parents have very strong bonds with their children who have always know that they are adopted. Needing more time for "bonding" is your a baseless theory - in my opinion an excuse.

As you are a Christian, I will pray for you - and hope that your child will not feel deceived and lied to when he or she finds out.

P.S. "A Stranger"s Belly" - why is that person a stranger? Nuturing a child in your belly for 9 months is a most intimate experience and mothers and babies are not strangers to each other. And why does the child know nothing about its birth family? Telling a child it was adopted does not mean that child is not "yours" - is that really how you see it?

[Raina0831]

Originally Posted by celinenj02

Also, I have one question for you who believe you should tell right away. How do you explain adoption to a child who does not even understand the concept of conception? ...You are silly to think that a young one can fully comprehend all you want to put on them...

At birth, my children didn't understand the words, "I love you", yet I told them anyway. I even told them when they were sleeping and most likely didn't hear me. When they began to crawl and would head toward the wood stove, I would tell them, "Hot! Don't touch!" I couldn't explain to them at that age the concept of "hot", but I told them anyway. Why? Because it was in their best interests to be told.

My best to you and your family.

Raina

[celinenj02]

I see your points I really do but I still don't believe it is best to tell him yet. I have not lied to him. Officially I pointed out children I know and he knows who are adopted. He asked me once if he was adopted and I told him yes. I started to talk about it and he hollered no, no no. He looked disturbed. I couldn't go on. I knew he wasn't ready to hear it just yet. I always talk about adoption and also about how he came to us but I just haven't really told him that he has another mother and father in the world. That would confuse him right now. He was only 4 at the time this all happened.

The events that surround his adoption are not pleasant. His birth mom was a mess and still is. His birth father violent and dangerous. It is not a pleasant story. I'm not saying I would tell him every detail now, nor am I saying this is why I am not telling him yet. Dr. Laura advises that at the age of 7/8 is best to tell a child. They are old enough to comprehend and understand and yet still young enough to not feel lied to or betrayed. This is the best age I believe. Telling someone they are adopted is not the same as saying I love you or don't touch--it's hot. Please be real. This a life altering fact.

Of course I don't feel that my son is not my own. I feel very much that he is my own. I also feel that to him his birth mother is a stranger. Just because he grew inside of her doesn't mean that he knows her. In fact, when and if he ever meets her someday he will most likely be frightened by her and the reality of her life. That breaks my heart for him. You don't know my son. He will not learn of his birth mother and not think of her as a stranger. For those of you who are adopted can you honestly say when you first conceptualized the thought of a birth mom that she wasn't a stranger in your mind's eye? I was not adopted. I grew in my birth mom's belly but I have to admit, I have no memory of it! It doens't make me feel closer to my mom to know I passed through her to come into this world. What makes me feel close to her is the neverending love and support she has given me over the years. Please understand those of you who are trying to make birth mom's sound like heroines of a sort, in this case birth mom passed child like a bowel movement with no memory of it or even being pregnant. It is a disgusting fact and one I NEVER want repeated to my precious baby boy.

I admit I do feel my son's pysche is going to be damaged in some way when he learns he is adopted. It doesn't matter if he learns at 1, 2, 3 or 10. All adoptees have to deal with the fact that their birth mother's either didn't want them, abandoned them or chose drugs or some other lifestyle over them. In the case of my son he will also have to deal with the fact that he is not our flesh and blood and I just know this would hurt him even if he would have been told at the earliest age. How can telling a child earlier make it any easier to accept. Eventually when the brain matures, the reality sinks in. I say when your children are pre-teens, they will think differently and perhaps not be so matter of fact about their adoption as you wish for them to be.

I don't need to read a book. There is no book to tell me anything about my son that I don't already know. I totally and vehemently disagree that children should be told that young. I do not believe that waiting until age 7/8 is too late. I believe that to be the perfect age for my son.

I feel bad for my son's birth mom. The hardest part will be that he will have to forgive her. Some birth parents believe that a child forgives and forgets but they don't. I hope to work him through it and help him to forgive.

You ask how it will all damage his psyche in the end? Well, let's put it this way: The details of his birth and life and even his birth family are bad enough that they have damaged MY psyche and I am a rock solid person. I know they will eventually damage his. I cannot change this fact, but I can hope and pray to delay it until he is prepared. Sorry but this is the BRUTAL truth.

Adoption is not warm and fuzzy for all involved. That is the reality. I know u want to all talk about sharing with your little ones like it is part of their life and they have accepted it like rain, but I can guarantee you that as they get older feelings of abandonment, rejection and resentment WILL inevitably surface. Please don't be so naive. I am choosing to wait it out a bit. Lying by omission? I don't think so. Nothing RELATIVE for the moment, is being ommitted. Have you told your children every detail of your pasts? Have you been 100% honest about EVERYTHING in your lives/their lives? Please, get real.

[Southernroots]

If you are relying on Dr. Laura for your advice on adoption, I am going to pray even harder for you. She has no ties to adoption that I know of - and knows little about it.

So, actually your child asked if he was adopted and you said "Yes" and then wouldn't say more? Wow! How puzzling that must have been for him!

You keep talking about how horrible the brutal truth will be for your child - I am not encouraging you to tell that until he is an adult. All I am saying that is needed now is to tell the child it is adopted. What are you going to say when your child says, "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" "Why did you lie to me?" "Where are my birth parents?"

Don't need to read a book? How can you know how an adopted child should be raised? Dr. Laura? I wish you and your child the best - I really and truly will pray for your child.