[hello&goodbye]

Is it not up to the parent (meaning the adoptive parent) to tell the child of their adoption. That is part of being a parent is it not? A parent make decisions that are in the best interest of the child, their child. They will know when the time is right. if you do not trust then to make the correct decision, then you do not trust them to parent a child. This is just one of the gazzillon dicisions a parent will have to make over a life time, we need to trust them a little ok?

[mamabee]

This is definitely a heated thread but I feel compelled to put my two cents in as well. First of all, to the original poster, I feel your bMom was terribly wrong for calling you when you were a minor and persuading you to travel at such a young age. They should have been arrested in my opinion...that was just not good sense...I don't care who this person was.

Secondly, I feel so strongly that an adopted child should have trust in his/her parents, whether adopted or not. I am a bMom and I am an aMom. I told my husband when we adopted my son that I always wanted him to know he was adopted because I wanted him to know he could trust us; that we would never lie to him about anything. I believe by keeping the truth from your adoptive children, you are lying. Only someone very insecure, IMO, would "not" want to tell their children the truth. The key is telling them in a gentle manner as if it was any other part of communication...don't make it out to be a bad thing. Was it a bad thing you were blessed with a child because some bmother wanted a better life for her child? This life is cruel enough without having to feel like your family has kept secrets from you. Please, know if anyone knows in your family that your child is adopted...someone is going to let it slip and tell them before you do. Honesty is always the best policy; no matter how painful it is to you or them. They will trust and respect you for telling them the truth.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by msannab

I found out one day when I was 13 years old, two months after my adoptive parents & I had just moved from a big city to a small town about 4 hours away. My Aparents were working & I had just came home from school. The phone rang, I answered, & the 1st thing the caller asked was "are you alone?". Me being naive, and not sure what to say, I said "yeah". They (my baunt, bgrandmother, bfather) proceeded to tell me my "life story". They then asked me I wanted to see them. I said sure, out of curiosity - it still didn't sink in. So they told me to get on a bus, that they would pay for it from their end (electronic transfer). I asked if I should tell my Aparents & they said no! (They were basically saying for me to "run away from home"). Before I left however, I managed to tell a girl I had just met in school who was from the same area as me (she just moved 2 months before also). I got on the bus, got to the bus station 4 hours away (in the same area from where we just moved from!!) but apparently, my new friend told my parents what I did and the police were there to met me. I didn't get a chance to meet these people that called me.

I ended up meeting them on my 3rd visit. My Bfamily kept calling & calling even after that (wouldn't leave me alone in a way....) & I kept running away from home (hitchhiking 4 hours to go see them or taking the bus). On & off, for about 3 years, that's all I did, run away from my Aparents to go see them.

There's so much more, but I think it's for another forum....

Wow, I can only say what your birth family did was wrong, and I am a birth mother..

So, when do we get to hear the rest of the story..

I hope it all turned out well in the end.. always hoping for a happy ending

[Scarlet Moon 13]

I should have read ahead,

sorry this happened to you.

Big HUGS

[leah79]

I don't even remember the day I was told I was adopted

I grew up knowing it and my aparents always said that whenever I was ready to search, they would help me if I wanted them to.

Children understand a lot more than a lot of us give them credit for. I believe that if you tell a small child about their adoption often as they get older, with more detail as they are able to reason more,the trust built by the child for the aparent is much stronger.
If I had found out as an adult that I was adopted I would be shattered and totally let down.

[susiesgirl]

my aparents have always told me that i was adopted and that they chose me...they werent *stuck* with me.it is important that you are 100% honest with your son. a think that it IS the same as telling your child something is hot.. he learns this from you..it is something he should know and not find out when he is older and is going to feel like he isnt wanted.... just a thought

[pwheatle]

It is unfathomable to me that in this day and age that a child would grow up not knowing they were adopted straight from the beginning. There does not have to be a huge discussion about the circumstances of the adoption just that the child was born to someone else. The child will ask the questions as they age and it is as they grow and mature that they learn more about their beginnings as you answer their questions in an age appropriate fashion. I cannot imagine sitting down an older child and having a 'big discussion' about them being adopted. Yikes!
In all honesty I have not read each of the posts so this may have been stated but your child's birthmother is not a stranger to you. You see her every day in your child's face and mannerisms and you may hear her in his voice.
She is no stranger.
Just to point out the majority of my adoptions are closed and the circumstances of my children's adoptions were not decisions made out of love however I need to treat their daily 'presence' in our lives with a welcoming, respectful attitude for my childrens' sake. You would do well to do the same...for your son's sake.
Tricia

[Godcreatedusall]

Um, okay I don't get it. What is so unfathomable, you make it sound so dramatic... about not telling a child until their PARENT feels they are ready? I am shocked this thread got so out of hand when a parent only stated that they wanted to wait until they felt their child was ready. What gives anyone the right to tell another parent what to do? Just because a child is adopted does not mean in any way that they should know it from birth! That's crazy. I'm NOT telling my kids until I, as their mom, believe in my heart along with my God's direction, that they are ready to learn and understand. Please respect other's opinions. Some of you force your opinions down others throats to the point where you suffocate the poster. I am the one raising my children and I am the one who knows them. I know them better than anyone on this earth. you have no clue as to other's situations! Stop lumping all adoptees together. Each is different and has different circumsances. There is no fact that knowing at birth makes one more sound that learning at a later age.

It is my decision to make, and there is nothing anyone can say here that will change my mind on how I raise my children. If anything, this thread totally turned me off on the subject and makes me rethink even telling my children as soon as I planned. I know plently of people who did not learn at birth and they are just fine. They totally understood the circumstances and the love and reasoning that went behind their parents decision.

Stop trying to scare people into doing things they know are not right for them or their children. That is so wrong here. And by the way, just because this birthmom has passed her genes on to this child above, does not make her familiar. She is a stranger. I'm sorry but that is a fact. Please stop railroading people. It's not nice.

[crick]

Don't know that we had any railroading...just a passionate discussion of all kinds of opinions. That's what a forum is about...to discuss things. No one scared anyone into doing anything by sharing their beliefs. Is it not each person's own responsibility to decide how much or little they wish to take from another's opinion? I know I don't give that much control to another opinion...I listen, weigh, and then decide on my own what is best for my or my kids. Sometimes I'm right, and sometimes I'm wrong, but I don't feel we railroad each other by sharing our own views.

Interesting you see this though...

[Scarlet Moon 13]

[size=4]

Originally Posted by Godcreatedusall

Um, okay I don't get it. What is so unfathomable, you make it sound so dramatic... about not telling a child until their PARENT feels they are ready? I am shocked this thread got so out of hand when a parent only stated that they wanted to wait until they felt their child was ready. What gives anyone the right to tell another parent what to do? Just because a child is adopted does not mean in any way that they should know it from birth! That's crazy. I'm NOT telling my kids until I, as their mom, believe in my heart along with my God's direction, that they are ready to learn and understand. Please respect other's opinions. Some of you force your opinions down others throats to the point where you suffocate the poster. I am the one raising my children and I am the one who knows them. I know them better than anyone on this earth. you have no clue as to other's situations! Stop lumping all adoptees together. Each is different and has different circumsances. There is no fact that knowing at birth makes one more sound that learning at a later age.

It is my decision to make, and there is nothing anyone can say here that will change my mind on how I raise my children. If anything, this thread totally turned me off on the subject and makes me rethink even telling my children as soon as I planned. I know plently of people who did not learn at birth and they are just fine. They totally understood the circumstances and the love and reasoning that went behind their parents decision.

Stop trying to scare people into doing things they know are not right for them or their children. That is so wrong here. And by the way, just because this birthmom has passed her genes on to this child above, does not make her familiar. She is a stranger. I'm sorry but that is a fact. Please stop railroading people. It's not nice.

The problem is that the child can/could suffer great emotional stress from finding out about their adoption.
If a child, "just always knows" there is no surprise, no hurt, no anger.

Adopted children find out about adoption in many ways, the first and best if from their mom and dad. With books around the house, stories at bedtime.

The worst way is being sat down at 8 or 10 or 12 and learning that that parents who you love have been in essence lying to you your whole life. That you are not biologically realated to your parents, or in most cases not even to your sisters or brothers.

Teen adoptees have commited suicide over this issue.

If adoption is good, and natural, it should never be a secret or a surprise. It should just be a part of everyday life.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

can someone tell me how to increase the size of the font? it is so small that I have to copy and past the whole page into email to read it..

[kune]

Scarlet
When you write a post, do it in Advanced Mode. When the window displays, at the top left is the Font and immediately right is the (Size) - OK
Type your message - Highlight your post when it is finished. (By holding down the left click on your mouse and running the curser all over the script you have written (should be all blue) and then click on the size you want and change the font if you want.

That should do it. (I will try it with this post)Ann

[Godcreatedusall]

The worst way is being sat down at 8 or 10 or 12 and learning that that parents who you love have been in essence lying to you your whole life.

This is what I mean. This is railroading because you are stating something that is NOT a fact. How do you know that this is "the worst way" if you do not know everyone's situations. I know adoptees who found out at 8 and who are fine. They are so close with their parents it wasn't difficult for them to understand the love that went behind the decision to wait. If you are a birth mother you are naturally going to push for us to tell sooner. You want the child to know you exist. But you aren't truly being objective now are you?

And stop saying that people who wait are going to "sit their child down" and "have this big discussion". No one ever said that is the way it will happen. You have no idea how one prepares a child. There are plenty of Christian ways to prepare a child to accept the reality of their adoption.

The other thing is, those of you who tell your infant children. Yes, that is really wonderful, but if you read the hundreds of testimonies from adoptees on this very site you will see that they don't truly UNDERSTAND the concept until they are about age 7 or 8. Up until then, adoption is just a word or an idea. The reality eventually hits just as hard once the child goes, "oh, I get it...."

And stop saying that it is lying to the child, like we adoptive parents are doing something wrong if we choose to wait to tell, or if we choose to prepare our children first. You have no right to say that. I feel as though you are demonizing the adoptive parents when we are the ones who opened our homes and our hearts and in my case, love my children as much as if I gave birth to them. Did you ever stop to think that some children might have emotional trauma already surrounding the circumstances of their birth. Again, you don't know everyone's situations.

I feel like many of you attack adoptive parents. I don't know the reason. But my children know one thing above all, they are loved, truly loved and accepted no matter what their circumstances. And I believe no matter what the circumstances, my children will always love me and trust me and my decisions whether they were right or wrong. They will know that they were done out of love for them. That is what they will take away from it. I don't need my children to see me as the perfect mother who made all the perfect decisions. What maters is that they understand what went into those decisions. This way, when they understand their birth mother and her imperfections, they will not be so critical and they will understand the love that went into her decision to give them up. You see, no one is perfect, no parent is perfect. You have to do what you believe in your heart is the right thing. I would never criticize a birth mom for giving up a child because I would focus on the love that went into that decision. So please understand that whether the perfect answer or not, there is love going into our decisions to prepare our children first. Don't criticize it!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Godcreatedusall

This is what I mean. This is railroading because you are stating something that is NOT a fact. How do you know that this is "the worst way" if you do not know everyone's situations. I know adoptees who found out at 8 and who are fine. They are so close with their parents it wasn't difficult for them to understand the love that went behind the decision to wait. If you are a birth mother you are naturally going to push for us to tell sooner. You want the child to know you exist. But you aren't truly being objective now are you?

And stop saying that people who wait are going to "sit their child down" and "have this big discussion". No one ever said that is the way it will happen. You have no idea how one prepares a child. There are plenty of Christian ways to prepare a child to accept the reality of their adoption.

The other thing is, those of you who tell your infant children. Yes, that is really wonderful, but if you read the hundreds of testimonies from adoptees on this very site you will see that they don't truly UNDERSTAND the concept until they are about age 7 or 8. Up until then, adoption is just a word or an idea. The reality eventually hits just as hard once the child goes, "oh, I get it...."

And stop saying that it is lying to the child, like we adoptive parents are doing something wrong if we choose to wait to tell, or if we choose to prepare our children first. You have no right to say that. I feel as though you are demonizing the adoptive parents when we are the ones who opened our homes and our hearts and in my case, love my children as much as if I gave birth to them. Did you ever stop to think that some children might have emotional trauma already surrounding the circumstances of their birth. Again, you don't know everyone's situations.

I feel like many of you attack adoptive parents. I don't know the reason. But my children know one thing above all, they are loved, truly loved and accepted no matter what their circumstances. And I believe no matter what the circumstances, my children will always love me and trust me and my decisions whether they were right or wrong. They will know that they were done out of love for them. That is what they will take away from it. I don't need my children to see me as the perfect mother who made all the perfect decisions. What maters is that they understand what went into those decisions. This way, when they understand their birth mother and her imperfections, they will not be so critical and they will understand the love that went into her decision to give them up. You see, no one is perfect, no parent is perfect. You have to do what you believe in your heart is the right thing. I would never criticize a birth mom for giving up a child because I would focus on the love that went into that decision. So please understand that whether the perfect answer or not, there is love going into our decisions to prepare our children first. Don't criticize it!

[size=7][font=Arial]

Frist, I am 58, I spent 3 years attending triad support groups. That is adoptive parents, adoptees, birthparents.. I have attended a nation wide conference, and helped with a reunion web site. I have also been on the AOL adoption boards for over 10 years. Talking to adoptive parents, foster parents, adoptees, and birthparents. I have read many books.

I have met real live adult adoptees who were told as adults or as teens or younger. Or even men and women who found out after the adoptive parent had died. The best adjusted of them were those who never had to be told, "they just always knew". It was as common as mothers who talk about giving birth, or how long their labor was.

Religion has nothing to do with how a child is prepared. All adoptive parents who who treat adoption as a happy thing, as a good way to have children have better adjusted children. There is always an exception in every family. Nothing in this world is "everyone" or "all". It could be some, or many, or even just one.

It is true that children do not understand completely until they are 7 or 8. But what is being said here, is that it should not be sprung on them as a surprise at that age. The words should be natural. They should already know the words and not be surprised at them.

What hurts children more is other's in the family who know, over heard it, and tell your child. Adoption isn't a secret. Other people know, and as a parent you don't want someone else, a friend or relative saying something like, "I am so happy we found you" or so happy mommy adopted you".

The very extreme case's where an adoptee found out late, are, suidcide, or never speaking to the adoptive parent again, extreme anger.

You are right, not every child will have issues. Some already know, they figure it out. They don't look like you, or they have a different personality, or they are tall and you are short.

Sometimes, it relives them of wondering why they are different then mom and dad.

Adoptive parents are not demons. No one has said such a thing. I certainly don't think that.

[crick]

I dunno...I still don't see it as railroading to have a differing opinion. I mean, are you raildroading anyone into your way of thinking by disagreeing? No, just sharing a different perspective, right?

I think while there may be some generalizations here and there (there always are), I do think that most people speak from their personal experiences and say "hey...this is my experience as well as many others' experiences that have been shared with me, so you might give this some thought". Just like you have stated your experience and reasons for your own decisions.

Honestly though, I think it's unrealistic to expect that in today's world, for a parent to hide pretty much anything from their kids. Take adoption out of it entirely and we, as parents always have decisions to make regarding what and when we teach our kids anything. I won't profess to having all the "right times" to share things with my kids, but I do believe that in most things, the earlier they learn things, the better off they will be in life. Do we not teach our kids from an early age about stranger danger? About drugs? Even if they can't really grasp the true complicated understanding about it all? Does a 3 year old really understand why we don't accept candy from an unknown person? No, of course not. But we start discussing these kinds of things early in life to lay the foundation for later, no? We teach manners, behavior, safety issues, hygiene issues etc. from an early age and while kids are not going to grasp the full understanding of things or the reasons why etc., we still teach them these things and discuss things with them. I see the story of their adoption much in the same way. If you don't see it that way, that's perfectly fine, but sharing our opinions with each other for discussion isn't demonizing or railroading. JMO...