[heartened]

In this instance I'm a little sad that I don't still speak with my adoptive mother. I'd like to ask her how she framed telling one of my brothers about being adopted and at what point she told him what she knew about his birthmother so I could share that with you, Celine.

As I've said before, we've known our entire lives we were adopted. At some point, my mother also disclosed to my brother that his birth mother was a drug addicted prostitute. I don't remember how she told him or exactly how old he was. I do know that it was at least by the time I was 11 - which means he was around 15 - because I remember saying to the school counselor, "At least he knows something about his birthmother, even if it is just that she was an addict, it is more than I know about mine."

I don't think we are required to give full-disclosure about someone else's issues to a child. The facts of the birth mother's life are HER history and can be shared at a later time. The facts of his own birth are HIS history and I do not believe this should be witheld.

As parents we are forced to come up with creative "age-appropriate" answers all the time. "Mommy, what were you and daddy doing last night? How come you were making those weird sounds?" This is not a question I answer with "full-disclosure." Doing so is not age-appropriate. But I don't lie. I don't say, "You must have been dreaming," or "We were exercising." Since my children know that everyone needs privacy (including them), I simply tell them, "Daddy and I were sharing some private time together." This suffices because I have laid the groundwork previously.

It is equally possible to answer any questions your child may have about his birth mother without full-disclosure AND without lying to him by framing the answer in a way that focuses on the positive.

"Mommy, why didn't she want to keep me?"
"Honey, she just didn't have the ability to take care of you."
"Why not?"
"Because she couldn't make sure you had a warm bed to sleep in at night and yummy food to eat in the morning. But we could and we're glad we are lucky enough to tuck you in at night and make waffles for you in the morning and give you big squishy hugs!" Followed by a tickle and giggles.

By doing this you achieve several goals -
1. You answer his questions with honesty.
2. You do not disclose age-inappropriate information.
3. You reaffirm and reassure that he is loved and wanted.
4. You do not paint the birthmother in a negative light (no matter how deserving of this she may be).
5. You give him something else to focus on (hugs, tickles and giggles) rather than him dwelling on being "given up" and the associated feelings.

That's how you maintain the balance between being honest with your child and protecting him from painful information he simply has no need to know as yet.

I hope this information is useful to you when you finally decide to tell him.

[Southernroots]

But be honest Southernroots, naturally from your perspective you are going to believe that telling a child from birth is best because you are a birth mom. From your perspective you would want that child to know that YOU exist. I can understand that. But it isn't about you, or birth moms for me. It is about my child. I will do what's best for him not what's best for birth mom.

I am being completely honest with you. Again, you are making assumptions that just because I am a birth mom, I cannot be objective about this situation, and that simply isn't the case. I acknowledge that I do have a birth mom's perspective, but, I also have a mother's perspective and always put what is best for the child above all else. Of course our places in the triad color how we react or feel about issues, but, it doesn't mean that we lose the ability to ever be objective and see an issue from all sides.

As parents, we owe a duty to our child to set good examples for our children; examples of honesty, facing up to tough issues instead of burying and/or running from them, showing compassion for others, etc. If we shield and overprotect our children too much, they may fail miserably when they leave the nest and have to fly in the real world. I may not understand protecting a child from birth family, but, I raised two children, so I do know about protecting children in general. And I know that it is often a delicate balance.

While I do not doubt that you love your child dearly and want the best for him, overprotecting him is doing a disservice to him. It is that simple. I do feel for your situation and understand that it has to be very challenging, but, that is your reality, and how you deal with it is how your son probably will.

[Southernroots]

Heartened,

Somehow I think you must be a pretty good mom. You did offer some really wonderfully concrete examples for Celine and others to deal with the situation in an honest, but sensitive manner.

I hope that she can hear you and be open enough to listen. Thanks!

One last comment - I only know how important telling the truth and not overprotecting children is from both my experiences and those of many others. I certainly made my own mistakes and understand how tough being a parent is. I believe being an adoptive parent has extra challenges too. I can see how thoughtful and eager to be great parents many of the parents on this forum are - if you didn't care, you probably wouldn't be here.

[Boulderbabe]

I just wanted to second the advice about telling your child the truth---even if it's a partial, age appropriate truth.

No child should ever find out that he or she has been lied to. That is so damaging to your relationship that it may never recover.

My son's parents are also a mess. But even now (he's 2), I use their names, tell him how much they loved him, and tell him how much they wanted to take care of him and how sorry they were that they couldn't. He'll learn more of the details later, but for now, he at least has the basic outlines of the truth.

[msannab]

I can only say, I wish I never knew, because to this day, I always wonder how things would have turned out if I didn't know. Or, tell me when I'm older, maybe I could have handled it differently.

My Baunt & Bgrandmother have passed away since, but I am still playing the blame game - I blame my Bparents for my life & why I'm not as successful as my Bfather's other 4.

I blame my Bparents for the suicide marks on my arm - I wouldn't have done it if I didn't feel unwanted/rejected, etc.

I blame my Bparents for the fact that I had to wait till I was 40 years old to attend college, because I could have gone when I was 18, but no, because of my runaway escapades, I wasn't able to go at that age.

And so much more.....

[Southernroots]

I wasn't adopted. But growing up I wished that my parents had been different than they were. I wanted them to be more sophisticated, more wordly, place more value on education. Wished that they had pushed me to get a college education.

I blamed them for years for so much that I did not like about myself and honestly I didn't like them alot. But I finally reached the realization one day, that they no longer controlled my life. And if I didn't like something about myself, I had the power to change it. If I wanted to be educated, I could get educated or do anything I wanted.

I forgave them for not meeting my expectations and took control of my own life. It was only after I became a parent and was older that I realized they loved me and did the best that they could. And it's made me a much happier person - forgiving them and taking control. We have choices - if we can see them and grasp the opportunities.

[MNelson]

msannab, you just never know what would have happened had things been different. If you'd never been told, you could have instead had a gnawing anxiety that something was amiss, but not knowing what it was. You just can't know that it would have been better. I'm sorry you were so badly hurt by the adults who should have been looking out for your best interest at the time.

[msannab]

Unfortunately, I am still letting my Bfather control me in a way - he'll call me once a week to ask me when am I coming to visit him and that I'm just like his other four kids (my 1/2 siblings) - they don't care about him - he wants me to feel guilty I guess. But then, he bought gold bracelets for his 3 daughters, but not me? Go figure.

[Raina0831]

msannab, Just my personal thought/opinion, but it sounds like he bought the gold bracelets to guilt the other four into "caring about him." My guess is, he says you are like the others to guilt you into NOT being "like them" (not caring).

That must have hurt when he bought them the bracelets. My bmom has nothing to do with me, so it probably shouldn't have stung like it did, but I found out that she was taking a quilting class and is making quilts for her other two daughters and their children.

I guess the thing to do would be to say, "Of course, I care about you!" "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I promise I'll get over to see you as soon as I possibly can." If that is the way you feel, of course.

Anyway, best of luck. We're here to listen and support.

Take care!

Raina

[GREEN EYES]

I Am So Sorry To Hear About What Had Happen To You Your Story Touched Me. I Also Am A Adoptee There Are 6 Of Us In My Family That Are Adopted All From Different Families. I Just Want You To Know You Are Not Alone. Your Story Touched Me So. I Had Tears Rolling Down My Face Im Still Searching For A Sister Out There Somewhere. My Prayers Are With You . Anytime You Want To Talk Or Something Please Get A Hold Of Me Ok. Also Don't Give Up You Live For You And For Nobody Else, Keep Your Chin Up Ok


Laura Pulido

[msannab]

Raina: I do say those things to him - but (and I know I'm rotten in saying this), I do not feel any emotion in my heart. I can honestly say that the only reason I am even in contact with him is for wrong reasons - a substitute for my Afather - he passed away in 2002 & was the best father!!), & maybe I am using him (sort of "getting back" at him for interfering in my life, especially my teen years)

[msannab]

Green Eyes: I'd love to talk to you, as I don't really have anyone who I know personally that has been adopted, and most of the time, when I talk to my friends, they don't really understand. I've tried talking to my Bmother, but she ends up telling me to "get over it". How can I leave you my email? on Here? Thanks!

Although it's hard for me everyday, I do try to keep "my chin up".

[crick]

msnnab - you can contact a member via private message (pm) by clicking on their member name of the post and then click on "send private message". From there you can communicate directly with that member and if you feel comfortable enough, exchange email addy's as well.

[breenoelle85]

Originally Posted by celinenj02

Also, I have one question for you who believe you should tell right away. How do you explain adoption to a child who does not even understand the concept of conception? Do you say, oh Johnny, you didn't grow in my belly, you grew in my heart and think that the child is truly understanding what you are saying?

Being an adoptee myself, I am going to have to STRONGLY STRONGLY disagree with you on your opinion of waiting. My parents let me know from day 1 - and I was adopted at 3 days old - that I was adopted. By the age of 2 or 3, I understood perfectly fine that I had grown in my birthmother's "tummy" and was adopted by my "Mom and Dad," who had always wanted a baby girl just like me.

My all time *favorite* movie as a very small child was the tape of when "Mrs. Betty" - the adoption lady who brought me to Mom and Dad - brought me to my parents. I loved watching my Mom pace the living room and glance out the window ever 5 sec. going "Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Is that her car? Russ, do you think she missed the house? Oh my goodness." *insert more pacing* Dad wouldn't leave the camera alone.... and Grandma just kept making everything even more chaotic...kept pretending "check on the cat" who just *happened to be *right next to the window*....

We had many happy times and "bonded" just fine...Even more so with her story of how I was special because i was "chosen." Now, I know me fairly well since I have had to live with me for the last 20+ years. And if *I* had found out about the adoption *later* - - then all those happy times as a child would have meant a LOT LESS to me. All that "bonding" would have been a total lie.

By the time I was 4 or 5 years old, if you told me i was adopted I would have starred at you like..."uh huh...that's nice....can I go play now?"

Now, I'm not saying that maybe I'm not an exception...or maybe my mom just did an exceptional job of putting the "adoption" thing straight in my head. But I"ve seen to many adoptees on this bored with these horrible emotional stories about how they "found out" later in life.... My advice based on personal experiance would be . . . the sooner the better.

I think my Mom's way of telling me was excellent. "You grew up in another woman's tummy just like Aunt Lisa's baby grew up in hers. She couldn't take care of you, but she loved you *so much* that she let Mommy and Daddy raise you. Mommy always wanted a baby girl just like you, but couldn't have one of her own." I'm not sure *exactly* when she went into this much detail...but based on what i said when I was 3-year-old, I had a very good idea."

Of course, the problem with this being that around age 4 or 5 I would come to her with the question, "If i grew up in my birthmother's tummy, which end did I come out?" She managed to weasel her way out of it, though I can't remember quite how she did it.....

Erm...anyrate....^^; That's my opinion on the subject. Take it or leave it.

[breenoelle85]

Originally Posted by celinenj02

The events that surround his adoption are not pleasant. His birth mom was a mess and still is. His birth father violent and dangerous. It is not a pleasant story. I'm not saying I would tell him every detail now, nor am I saying this is why I am not telling him yet. Dr. Laura advises that at the age of 7/8 is best to tell a child. They are old enough to comprehend and understand and yet still young enough to not feel lied to or betrayed. This is the best age I believe. Telling someone they are adopted is not the same as saying I love you or don't touch--it's hot. Please be real. This a life altering fact.

SEVEN OR EIGHT? You know, one of my good friends was also adopted....She found out at seven and NEVER - I repeat NEVER - trusted her adoptive mother again....still doesn't to this very day. She says "I love her....but I can not trust her. If she would lie to me about something so important, then why should I trust her about the smaller things in my life."

And "I love you" isn't a life-altering fact? Have you met people who *weren't* told that as small kids....I love you is a MUCH MORE LIFE ALTERING fact than "your adopted" is....My mom's story was she "couldn't have a baby" - - so she told me that..."Mommy couldn't have a baby, but she really wanted a little girl."

Adoption is not warm and fuzzy for all involved. That is the reality. I know u want to all talk about sharing with your little ones like it is part of their life and they have accepted it like rain, but I can guarantee you that as they get older feelings of abandonment, rejection and resentment WILL inevitably surface. Please don't be so naive. I am choosing to wait it out a bit. Lying by omission? I don't think so. Nothing RELATIVE for the moment, is being ommitted. Have you told your children every detail of your pasts? Have you been 100% honest about EVERYTHING in your lives/their lives? Please, get real.

Actually, I am sorry to say but I AM an adoptee...and YOU need to get real. They are only trying to help And "lying by omission" doesn't count? So if your little boy just "happens" to "omit" the fact that he failed a test . . . or got in a fight...or whatever the case may be.... or mentions that someone fought him but "omits" the fact that he started it....that's not lying? I wish you had told my Mom that when I just happened to "omit" important information that it wasn't lieing...that would be one tough life lesson I wouldn't have had to learn....

Need I go back to my friend....who found out later about being adopted. She has felt abandonment and rejecting and resentment ever since she found out at *AGE 7* - - not towards her birthmother, but towards her ADOPTIVE one... I'm sorry to get so uppity about it....but I have SEEN the TRAUMA a lie like this can produce in a child.

My mom never put it as "you have another mom out there...." she put it as "your birthmother" and "Mommy or Mom" - - Of course, today, I believe i could have (and want) a strong bond with my birthmother...and would have no problem calling her mom (buying that my "Mom" wouldn't be too hurt by it).