[hnnybnny]

I know it must have been a huge shock for her, and it really took me a while to even attempt to find her. But now that i have, i want answers i guess. I did get a Christmas card from her the day before Christmas, but it was pretty generic, not with anything personal written in it, but it was still nice to get i guess. Not sure if I should write her again or just wait for her to do something this time. who knows?

[Montraviatommyg]

Hi,
That's good news that you got a card from your bmom, one suggestion I would make would be to send her a 'New Year' card and put a short letter in with it. Just give her news about how your Christmas went, I'm sure she would like to know and also mention there are questions you would like to ask but don't want to appear pushy. If she feels reassured that you will be patient she will be more likely to correspond with you.
From my own personal experience I wish my bson had been more patient with me but he bombarded me with questions in the first few weeks and at times I came close to ending our reunion but am glad now that I didn't. By the sound of it you are doing all the right things so it is worth perservering and being patient.
Have a good New Year and I hope all goes well as you do have a right to ask those important questions!
Montraviatommygun

[hnnybnny]

I love that idea of sending her a New Year's card with some info about our holiday. And during this process I have learned to be patient..I know that I have thought about this reunion a lot over the years but who knows what her thoughts on the subject are...I had a lot of time to think about this during my search, and she's just had a couple of months. She probably gave up on the thought years ago. Can you imagine after 41 yrs getting a letter like that? I do regret waiting so long, but I had my reasons and now that I have found her, I do feel more at peace with the situation. I know my anscestry..that was huge for me (I no longer feel like some mutt.) Thank you again for your great ideas and I will take this slow...Happy New Year to you too. Hope to hear from you again.

[ChristiBender]

hnny
I am 40 and found both my bparents this year too. We are in good reunion. Over the last year I have watched a lot of reunions start out - some fast - some slow. One of the things I have learned is that it doesn't matter how a reunion starts - fast or slow - it can still turn into a very successful one!

For some people, especially bmoms, contact from their child brings up a LOT of old memories that were long ago suppressed. Digging them out and dealing with the emotions that come with them is very hard - especially if they never told many people about the relinquishment.

Patience is the kindest way to handle this type of situation. Haven't you ever been in a situation where you felt rushed? You just wanted to tell the other person "hold on a minute... I need a little time!" Well, that might be where she is. The fact that she is sending cards is a VERY good sign - don't discount it. For her sending those cards could be breaking the rules that were set out for her long ago when she was told to never search for her child and to leave her alone to have a normal life.

In getting to know other adoptees who have also had to play the "waiting" game - it seems that sending little "nudges" every 2-3-4 weeks (whatever is comfortable for you) works wonders. The nudges are usually little light cards with a bit of a note in them about life, or your kids, or a memory from growing up. Nothing too deep. Just a tidbit here and a tidbit there. That way she isn't overwhelmed, but contact stays open. Usually the bmom will start to reciprocate and over the period of a few months you will get a dialog going. It is a little slow - but it seems to work.

Remember - just a few months ago you had NO contact with her. Even if you only got a little card a month for the next year - wouldn't that be a lot compared to what you had before? Sure..... and over time everyone starts to feel a little calmer that no one is running away - or pushing too hard - or expecting too much.

Be gentle.... nudge a little here and there... share a little of yourself... ask a few easy to answer questions as the opportunitie presents itself through your little notes. She hasn't rejected you again - she hasn't closed the door. That means it is still open - she is just thinking about how to make her entrance.....

Good luck.

[Just Julie]

hnnybnny, just want to say how happy I am for you that the ball is rolling!

[hnnybnny]

Hi again everyone..I just want to say thanks to all of you who have taken the time to share your stories and experiences with me. It is so wonderful to have this forum where we can share and hopefully help someone else in a similar (if not) same boat. I like to come back here to do my little followups on what i'm going through...the journey. I am mailing a New Year's Eve card to my b-mom with some info about our holiday..I also asked about her Christmas and if she has family in CO? I did mention that I have a lot of questions about how I came to be but am willing to take this slow, if she isn't comfortable or able to talk about it. Hopefully that won't freak her out too much. (I think I put that in there too.) Anyways HAppy NEW Year to all you and thanks again.

[mlassi]

Hi,
If only they realized how we worry each time we write them it would be easier. I know I reread my emails to bmom to make sure I am not being pushy, not prying etc. Then its the waiting game again. Sigh
Mary

[imtimm2]

I'd just like some sort of acknowledgement of the letters, emails or packages that I send her. But yet I keep hoping and waiting.

[hnnybnny]

yeah that would be nice...i guess i took her initial letter as some sortof acknowledgement and even though her Christmas card was rather generic i guess it is still better than nothing