[SISNLAW]

i need to find out how u felt when u found out you were adopted later in life did it leave u confussed and angry or how did u feel the reason i ask is my daughter is adopted and she has no idea that she is she has no idea about me at all and she is adopted to a family member that will not let me no where around her because she is afraid that i would tell her that she isadopted which iwould never do i dont wish her to be confused or hurt she wants for nothing and she is a gorgeous little girl (yes maybe i am bias but what parents isnt) anyway i am just wondering how adoptees felt when they found out over the age of 18

[StarryNight™]

Anger sheer anger on my part when I was told when I was 35 I was adopted! I will be 38 in Oct. I had a couple of chances to be told earlier in life but my amom wanted to cover her own butt.

I may not of ever known had it not been for my leaving to go on vacation to England and my passport was denied because of my birthcert. (It was a admin use only issued from MI) So until I could prove who I was, I couldnt go. I needed an affidavit from my (what I thought then mom) but when she wrote it she stated I was present at her birth. Not I HAD her... then it was sit down we need to talk. I am still angry. I have been lied to all these many years and told I look and act like such and such person, etc.

My thought is tell get her told somehow... I would hate for her to end up like my I did. No trust, no appreciation, no congeniality, that is just the tip of the iceberg regarding my feelings towards my amom after I found out. I can also tell you I am very upset with the people close to me that I found out KNEW of my adoption and did not tell me. (God mom, and three directly next door neighbors.) Neither of which I have contact with. I pretty much closed myself off to those people.

My hubby and I moved off and moved to FL just three weeks ago to be around my birthfamily and his parents. I did not even give her the courtesy of a phone call. Feel free to contact me if you like I will be glad to talk with you more.

[Strmyhart01]

I am experiencing somewhat simular problem, although my son is with my sister ( she is only my sister because I was adopted into her family) She has lied, used my adoptived parents influence and has refused any contact with me up until recently. However the lies are still coming and using his private school that he goes too as a means to keep him from talking to me according to my adoptive father. ( He told me I should forget about my son even though I have his older brother) I granted her guardianship after my husband left me for a life of drugs and drinking with his friends and left without a roof over my head and two little ones... and they hid the kids from me and told me my x had custody (I had just removed the guardianship with probate approval and went to pick them up that day) they told me if I left to go to my home without them I would be jailed for abandonment, if I took the kids across state line, I would go to jail for kidnapping.... needless to say, in my innocense of the law, i didn't know I had to be served divorce papers first! Promises made and broken only from then on, and my oldest who was with another family member, was returned... however, with them, they had alot more money then I did and their high dollar attorney kept it in court for until I wasn't even a memory in my son's mind,,,, although he knows I am trying to make contact.. he has not because of them. Imagine the hatred that he will feel that his mom wasn't the one that wanted contact... it was them.... they even paid off my Xhusband to make sure I didn't know a court date and got him only on a default judgement!

As I stated before, I am adopted. My adoption story is also filled with lies.. much of those lies I had found out about after my reunion. Yes, I knew at a very early age, only because I was over 2... however... they forgot to mention my 3 full birthsisters, and how my family was seperated because of a housefire... not the lies I was told about my birthmother being 13 and a prostitute!
Nice huh????

The earlier your daughter finds the truth, the better she will be able to handle it. The longer it is left swept under the rug, the worst the lies are going to be......

One day, my son will ask me,,, and I will not lie too him.... he will know what these people have done.

Being lied to as an adoptee is the worst feeling imaginable. You try to be everything you can to feel like you belong... but when it comes down to it... if the relationship is based on lies and deceit, it crumbles and she will hate them forever. Honesty is the best policy. PERIOD!
If you need a friend,,, you have one here

[summer324]

I found out very young and had no real problems with it other than using it to my advantage.... I think the longer they wait the worse it is going to be on them.....They are taking a risk by not telling her. Do they EVER plan to tell her she is adopted and do they ever intend to tell her that you are the father???? They have a 50/50 chance that she will grow up to search for her biological parents....what then??? This truly does sound like Stormy's story.....OMG......your family member is playing with fire if you ask me. Can you speak to them civilly (sp?)

Good luck

Lisa

[Strmyhart01]

Summer-
I have spoken to my sister... we have had several 2 hour conversations. Of course, keeping clear from emotional issues. I thought she WAS being honest with me... until my adoptive father told me otherwise. Now after never returning/answering 15+ messages on their answersing machine.... and still not knowing if he even got my package... the registered letters will start coming....

Sisinlaw-
I would try to contact them via phone first civilly. If that doesn't work,, try registered mail with a letter about your concerns and how you wish contact.
They are doing your daughter a great dis-service, just like they are doing to my son. How old is your daughter right now?

[SISNLAW]

First off i would like to thank you all for your replies you have confirmed my deepest fears but to answer your questions my baby girl is 10 will be 11 august 4th i can not talk civil to my family they are the reason i lost my baby and now they are hiding it from her they have also changed her name so she has no idea i wouldnt have found this forum had it not been for my loving mother n law searching for her daughter i am learning more and more every day of how awful adoption can be for the adoptee and the birth parents i am willing to talk to any of u some times every body needs a shoulder to cry on may GOD bless and keep you all




P.S My mother n laws daughter was born in kansas city Missouri april 27 1971 i wish i could contact her to let her know how wonderful of a mother she really has and how much she is really missed.

[Strmyhart01]

((((((((((((((((((((((Big Hugzzzzzzzzz)))))))))))))

That is unfortunate that contact via families are broken. I can attest to the devastating results of broken ties. It does get better hon... promise. You have to remain focused in your own life right now, because one day,,, she could seek you out.. The biggest thing is you have to be careful if they think that you don't know where she is, or what her name is. Unfortunately.. my oldest's birth sister moved next door to an aunt and uncle of my birthmom's and they inquired about the little girl and how she resembled little Betty Ann who was the same age who their neice had lost after a house fire... the next night they packed up everything they could and moved immediatly... The little girl WAS my sister... and no one ever seen her again until we found her 3 years ago. It took me from the age of 18 until the age of 35 to find her!

If they take off with her,, and leave no forwarding address.. you will have a very hard time trying to find her later....I know it is unfair, cruel and unjust... however...remember... as long as you know where she is... if they have not told her yet... you will be able to do so... and if there is any fear of her being abused... you can stake your claim....

[christianbeauty]

I was not angry, upset or anything when I was told I was adopted. Of course as I look back on it my parents were indirect when I was younger about my adoption...but I never really knew until they told me.

I understood why i was given up and I could not been more happier than being given up to a family who loves me and have treated me great and have raised me well..

If you want my personal opinion....i think it is all about the level of maturity and the value when it comes to your daughter. I base my emotion on my level of content and value....i would not find it necessary to be angry at something that has not affected me negatively or anything for that matter but that is just me....i dont get angry or it is rare rather.


I think if you hint to your daughter now or slowly introduce it to her over the years then it will not be such a shock to her when you do finally and directly tell her. As long as she knows you love her then that is all that would matter.....she would not think of her entire life being a lie...hope this has helped

[ty2003]

Sisnlaw,
I really think that it depends on the adopted parents. I found out that I was adopted when I was six years old. Yes, I know that it is a little young to be telling a young child that, but I as I grew up with that piece of my life, I knew that I had to find my birthmother and ask her why. I do not feel any resentment to my birthparents or my adopted parents. I know that my birthmother did what she had to do at the time that I was given up. There are alot of people out there that do not get to have this information until that person is much older. For me, I wouldn't do that because I feel that growing up with that piece of you, that is what makes you who you are. Adoption is a very beautiful thing and should not be kept under wraps just because society tells up to. There is my two cents worth.
TY2003

[Coulterkim]

I was told I was adopted after I was twenty and had a daughter of my own. It was the white elephant on the table that no one talked about. I was told by my birth mother that I was adopted, she also happened to be my sister. I had always been fairly close to her, her birth parents, my birth grandparents had adopted me. So I had known my birth mother all my life as my sister. It was like the rug pulled from under my feet. I was hurt, but having a child of my own I gradually over time understood the lie. My adoptive parents thought it would be better for me to grow up with a "normal" family. Sometimes I think it would have been better not to have known ever. I also realized that the reason being told of my adoption was not for my sake, but for her own. One needs to search their own souls for the reason why the child needs to know. For your own sake or theirs. As I found, just being part of the childs life could be enough.

[Virginia Slone]

I have always known I was adopted. When I was old enough to understand, my parents told me a very wonderful young woman had a baby girl she loved very much, but was unable to care for. They said they had no children of their own and it was God's plan for them to raise this baby. I was always told I was special because they had chosen me. They waited three years to adopt a baby girl. I have never felt that being adopted was anything but a good thing for me. My parents were wonderful and I consider them my only parents. Now that I am older with children and grandchildren of my own, I would like to thank my birth mother for having me at a time it was difficult for an unmarried woman and to let her know that I have had a good life. Basically, the real interest I have in birth family is to know whether or not I might have siblings because I was raised an only child.

[LegallyKim]

Lies and deceit ruin everything! I am a birthmom, and I think adoption can be a wonderful thing, as long as EVERYONE is open and honest. My experience with adoption was not a good one because I was lied to by everyone involved. After 16 years, I now have a wonderful relationship with my son's amom, and have just begun a relationship with my son. Now that the lies and deceit are exposed, we can all begin to heal.

I am not an adoptee, but I would be devistated to find out now if I was. Lies and deceit NEVER help, they only hurt.

I hope your family will decide to see the light and tell the truth.

[Noreen T]

Sisnlaw - I found out I was adopted when I was 49 years old - 6 months ago actually.

Take StarryNight's post and a whole bunch more to what I am feeling right now. All I can see is all the secrets and all the lies. Everyone knew but me. My adad remarried, his new wife was told as were her sons - but not me! My sister knew and every relationship she has been involved in and there have been a lot, there were told but not me! My brother knew and he told his wife but not me! I mean everyone knew but me, I have phoned and spoken to every single person that I can remember growing up and they all knew, and the story is the same every time, we don't know anything. Your amom was very secretive about the whole thing, she never wanted you to know, she made us promise never to tell you, it was a subject that was not to be talked about. Lies and secrets - you cannot even begin to imagine the anger I feel. I cannot even fill out a form at the doctor's office now because I don't have a clue what my REAL medical family history is.

Your daughter at least was adopted into the biological family, I don't even have that.

I am just beginning to search and the processing times to obtain information in a Province that has sealed records is frustrating to say the least.

As they said in Steel Magnolias' my poor husband doesn't know whether to wind his butt or scratch his watch, thank God he loves me even when I get upset. He doesn't really understand but he listens and is supporting me totally in trying to find out where I came from.

The hardest thing was having to tell my son who is now 25, that I was adopted. My daughter in law recently had to take their daughter to a specialist and when asked was their anything like what was going on with my granddaughter on either side of the family she had to say as far as we know, no, but we don't know the medical history on her paternal grandmother's side. Just peachy.

I wish you the best of luck with getting things resolved with your daughter, you do not have an easy task ahead of you. My prays will be with you.

Noreen

[rominator]

I was only 4 years old when I was told. Actually, my sister told me, but I didn't really understand what she was saying. I asked my amom what it meant, and she told me.......but she really didn't (she didn't want to tell me). My Sister, Brother as well as myself were all adopted, from different families........

I love my afamily more than anything. And although I know that I am from a different family, from different blood. I will always love the family I have now, they are and have been everything to me.

[m10231974]

SISNLAW ~~~

I'm 29 now and I found out when I was 16 from one of my friends. I confronted my amom about it and she said that she had told me when I was 8 or 9. She said that we sat down and watched one of those after school programs that was about how special adopted children are. I'm sorry, but 8/9 is definately old enough to understand and remember. I think that she said that to cover herself. I was EXTREMELY UPSET with her and began rebelling against my aparents at that time. Things finally got better and we have a good relationship now. I still have some problems with these things, but not bad. I am currently searching, and my amom doesn't know, I don't think she would be receptive regarding it.

My advice is to sit down with your family and discuss your feelings and decide what is going to be best for your little girl. If you aren't on that good of terms with your famliy, you may want to check with either the agency or attorney that handled the adoption and find out exactly what terms were set forth.